At all the dinners he served at in the following weeks Thomas did his best to follow the conversations. Lady Edith's contributions typically were about the subject of whatever article she was working on at the moment and nothing to do with her relationship with her editor. Finally one evening Lord Grantham brought up a visit he was going to make up to London.
"Lord Gillingham, myself and a few others are going to meet with Sir Gregory Forsythe at Rules next Saturday."
A shadow passed over Mrs. Crawley's face. For all their claims of superior manners and honor Thomas noted that aristocrats had a special way of being obliviously insensitive. Mrs. Crawley only came to dinner at Downton once a week and, of course, this was the night Lord Grantham decided to talk about Lady Mary's suitor.
"Oh, what about?" asked the Countess.
"Nothing much, I musn't bore you ladies. Branson and I can discuss it later. I just wanted to tell you I'll be staying at the club."
"Really Papa why bring it up if you're not going to talk about it? Tom isn't some country gentleman-if you can discuss it with him you can discuss it with us," said Lady Mary.
"Isn't he an industrialist? I think he does something with chemicals," said Mrs. Crawley.
"Is that dangerous?"
"No, Cora dear. It's not like that and Forsythe's very influential-his brother-in-law is in parliament."
"Hmpf is that how he got knighted?" sniffed the Dowager.
"Mary, why don't you ask Anthony back to stay for a weekend and you can hear about it yourself?"
"We'll see, Mama."
Thomas was reading the paper looking for the-elusive, it seemed-industrialist when Jimmy came into the servants' hall one afternoon with his own magazine. They sat there silently for a few minutes before Thomas decided he should try to be friendly even if he did have an ulterior motive.
"Have you ever heard of Sir Gregory Forsythe?"
"No. Why?"
"Mr. Green says Lord Gillingham's trying to get the Earl to invest in his company and they mentioned meeting him at dinner the other night. I'm just curious about it."
"Oh. No, sorry," the footman said and Thomas could see that he'd tensed up a bit.
"Never mind that, what're you reading?"
Jimmy showed him the cover of a Photoplay.
"So I see you did take Mr. Green's advice."
"I never said I didn't like the pictures. I just don't like the bad ones."
"Anything interesting in there?"
"The picture Sir Charles is producing is in it," he said turning the magazine to show Thomas. "They're almost done."
"The actress is pretty."
"I suppose so," Jimmy said absentmindedly, contemplating the picture. "Do you still like me?"
"Pardon?" Thomas choked on his tea.
"I mean after everything I've done, are we still friends?"
"Of course we are. I'm sitting here talking to you aren't I? There aren't many people who'd agree to be my friend knowing what you know and you did. I can't take that for granted...just try not to be so-well you don't have to be nice about it, but don't be so rude. Why? You aren't in any sort of trouble are you?"
"No. Nothing like that."
"Oh...um...well good then. All right then, what kinds of pictures do you like?" Thomas asked changing the subject from whatever weird thing it had been before.
"Y'know-exciting things like The Mark of Zorro that's a good one. Action, adventure, war stories."
"Eh-I don't know about you, but I got enough of that in the war?"
"I spent most of it in a camp in York...Not that I'm complaining. It's not like I wanted to go get myself killed or anything-I'm not stupid," he added seeing the look on Thomas's face. "It's just I don't want to spend my whole life being a footman in Yorkshire. It's boring."
"Ambitious, are we?" Thomas thought of Ethel sitting at the same table reading her magazines and was quite glad Jimmy wasn't a woman for his own sake.
"And why shouldn't I be? I'm young; things can change."
"Sure they can. Ambition isn't a sin. I'd like to get out of here too," Thomas gave Jimmy an encouraging smile trying to give off the correct appearance of a normal friendship. But this could never be completely normal-Thomas knew that and he knew that Jimmy knew that... "I better go over the menus for tonight," he said getting up.
"Thank you, Mr. Barrow...for the chat."
"Jimmy?" Thomas turned back for a moment since the footman seemed to be in a good mood. "Has Alfred ever said anything about Mr. Gregson? Something that would make him unsuitable?"
Jimmy looked suspicious, "I don't know what you're getting at, but I don't think so. Why don't you ask Alfred?"
"Alfred doesn't know much about discretion."
He did hope that Lady Mary would invite Lord Gillingham back. What Thomas liked most of all about his time with Andrew was being able to completely be himself around someone. It was the most freeing feeling in the world. He was glad Jimmy was being nice to him again, but at the end of the day it just wasn't the same.
Carson came in one evening before ringing the dressing gong and announced that Lord Gillingham and Sir Charles Blake would be returning to Downton for a weekend visit the next month. Thomas couldn't stop himself from smiling.
"So James you'll be looking after Sir Charles again."
Thomas was pleased to notice that Jimmy didn't look too put out about it.
"Mr. Green's coming back? That'll be nice," said Daisy, maybe Thomas had been wrong about her lack of feelings for the valet. "Mr. Green's ever so kind."
"Speak for yourself," Jimmy muttered. Thomas glanced at him-he certainly looked put out now.
"Why does Sir Charles keep getting invited back? He's not still trying to court Lady Mary?" asked Mrs. Hughes.
"I think it's Mr. Branson," said Thomas tearing his eyes away from Jimmy. "Mr. Green told me Sir Charles' mother was Irish so maybe that's why."
"Wonder how you found that out," Jimmy said under his breath and making a face, but not quietly enough that Alfred didn't hear it. The second footman looked confused and intrigued by Jimmy's comment. Thomas knew that Alfred knew about his inclinations and he couldn't let Jimmy's actions go unpunished. But Thomas also knew Alfred was an idiot who could be easily placated.
"Alfred, I'm letting you out of polishing the silver tomorrow. James can do it himself."
"What?" Jimmy whined.
"You know what you did," Thomas replied as Alfred joined in a conversation with Bates and Anna.
"I thought you liked me."
"I do like you, just not the way you're acting," he whispered before lowering his voice even further. "Just because Mr. Green's coming back. What are you playing at?"
Jimmy looked like he was trying to find something to say. His jaw muscles were working, but no words came out.
"We can discuss it later if you want-"
"I don't want to talk about that-about him," Jimmy said getting up from the table.
Thomas was smoking in the courtyard when he heard the door open. He was surprised to see that Jimmy was seeking him out. It was late, Thomas had thought most people had gone to bed already, and he'd wanted to enjoy the solitude of being outside. It was still bitterly cold out at night, but he could tell spring was fast approaching. He liked that-when you could begin to feel the changing of the seasons. He hadn't wanted to be interrupted by anyone-especially not a petulant footman.
Jimmy stood in front of Thomas fidgeting slightly.
"Thomas..."
"Yes?"
"I-er-have something to say to you."
"An apology I hope."
"Not exactly um...A confession more like," Jimmy flushed and looked down, rubbing his foot in the ground. "It's very hard to know where to begin. I don't know what to do-how to say this..."
Thomas's stomach dropped. He had a sudden inkling of what Jimmy might have come to say. Please God no don't do this to me, he thought. Please be something- anything-else.
"Why don't you tell me in the morning James? I should be going," Thomas said dropping his cigarette.
"No," Jimmy pleaded. "Look, I am sorry though about the things I've said, but it wasn't exactly my fault you see."
"No, I don't see," Thomas said looking around hopelessly for some way of escape.
"I was jealous. I've been watching you and Mr. Green; and then earlier, it's all everyone kept saying 'Mr. Green, Mr. Green, Mr. Green' and I couldn't stand it-" he took a deep breath "-I've been thinking about this for a while now and I think-I think I may be like you," Jimmy said, the last few words rushing out.
"Like me?"
"You know what I mean. I want to find out..."
"Don't say that please... What are you doing?"
"I'm serious. I wouldn't say anything if I wasn't. Don't treat me like some silly kid."
Thomas stared at him for a moment, trying to determine if what was going on was indeed real. He thought of an alternative explanation for what was going on. It would be easier this way.
"Are you making fun of me? Trying to get me into trouble?"
"No," Jimmy said looking hurt and Thomas had to admit to himself that this really was happening.
"You have fantastic timing. What do you expect me do now, huh? You couldn't have said this a year ago?"
"I'm sorry, I'm afraid and I don't know what to do and then you said you wanted to leave the other day. And so I had to do something. Sometimes you feel things and you just don't want to accept it...Don't you understand that? What I'm going through?"
Clearly Jimmy didn't want to answer his question, but Thomas looked into his earnest shining eyes and felt something. Curiosity, perhaps, wonder about the one who got away. He could have lost so much for Jimmy to just brush him off seemed impossible, wrong even.
"Say something," said Jimmy.
"I have to think. I don't know what to do," he looked around wildly. "I can't just..." he trailed off wanting nothing more than to escape to the confines of his room upstairs. A cold sweat had broken out all over him made even worse by the chilly air. He felt close to being ill. The enormity of the space around him was overpowering.
Thomas was pacing back and forth across his little room. He was screaming on the inside. What did Jimmy expect him to do? It was an impossible situation to put someone in. Jimmy should've just waited until Lady Mary broke off her silly courtship with Lord Gillingham. Maybe he could just tell Jimmy to wait until that was over. But what if they stayed together; got married? Thomas thought of all the possible ways things could turn out. Lady Mary could marry Lord Gillingham and Andrew would come to live at Downton. Lady Mary could end it and he'd never see Andrew again. Jimmy could leave Downton in a few years. Thomas could become butler and make sure Jimmy always had a place at Downton. He, Thomas, could successfully get the money through blackmail and live where he wanted-try his hand at a new life-or he could fail and get fired or face some other terrible punishment. But he hadn't found any leads on the blackmail front yet. How much of a future did he have with Andrew? With Jimmy? With anyone? Life was a strange thing-all the ways it could go.
Thomas thought he'd loved Jimmy for a long time and for nothing and now to learn he could get something in return... But he already had someone to love him. The cruel joke of it was that if Andrew Green had never come to Downton, Jimmy might've never realized he really did have feelings for Thomas. He reached into the bedside table and pulled out one of Green's letters. The smell of the cologne was fading fast, but Thomas could still detect a faint trace of it. The smell that filled his head every night that Green had visited him-that came back to him in his dreams. Green had said that he cared for Thomas-he might love him even. Thomas tried to focus on that, but the thought of Jimmy kept creeping back. He wanted Jimmy so badly, but couldn't bear to think of what it would do to Andrew. Time seemed to be passing in an excruciatingly slow manner. He went to the basin and splashed water on his face before looking in the mirror. He thought he looked insane.
He had never been able to think about Jimmy purely as a friend and what Jimmy said meant he certainly would never be able to now. He didn't know what to do. He could hardly go to Bates or anyone else for advice on this. He was all on his own. Laying on his bed smoking a cigarette, Thomas half-heartedly thought it might be easier if the bed simply caught fire. He would sleep on it that's what he would do, but the morning brought no answer. He went through his day speaking to no one unless they spoke first. Strangely, only Daisy seemed to notice that he was in a daze, but it was easy to put her off by saying he was just tired. Jimmy, mercifully, realized that he should keep his distance, but the mere sight of him made Thomas break out into a nervous sweat.
When night came again Thomas stared at the ceiling trying to figure something at, but there was nothing. The whole situation was inherently awful; there was no way out without someone getting hurt and Thomas would have to be the person to decide who. He'd never broken anyone's heart before. He thought of all the trouble he'd gotten into because of Jimmy-the stupid midnight kiss, the year of awkwardly working alongside him, taking the beating meant for Jimmy, the sometimes tenuous friendship they'd had since. He'd thought it all been for nothing-some noble display of unrequited love and now to be told that Jimmy really could feel that way about him and might love him in return someday... He'd been drawn to Jimmy from the moment he saw him; he couldn't say the same about Andrew. The feelings that still remained from the earlier passion flickered back into life. Logic could not help him here. He had to follow his heart and his heart wanted Jimmy some part of it had never fully stopped wanting Jimmy. He had to know, he must know. He might regret it his whole life if he didn't and what risks would Jimmy take trying to find out who he was. It wouldn't be his, Thomas's, fault if Jimmy got caught trying to learn that. It would be painful, he knew, but they'd all survive in the end. Andrew was a nice lad, not bad looking and he lived in London. He'd find someone new. Lady Mary would move on soon enough too and it wouldn't matter anymore, Thomas said to himself as he drifted off to an uneasy sleep.
Thomas thought it would be best to tell Jimmy he wanted to talk to Green in person before anything happened. He dreaded the days passing on the calender getting closer to the visit. It didn't help that a few days before his arrival he received a note from Green that read He's already married. Thomas had made his choice and he knew that this information alone may not be enough to blackmail Mr. Gregson and certainly not Lord Grantham, but it pained him to see that Andrew was still working on an escape for them. He had no clue that it could never happen now.
When Thomas saw Green's smiling face get out of the car the knot in his stomach tightened. Green was blissfully unaware of what was about to happen; he was still looking forward to the weekend. Thomas, on the other hand, was fighting to keep himself from shaking. The otherwise lovely April morning was going to be the start of one of the more difficult days of his life which was saying something.
