"…and so I left Palutena's service in order to travel the world as a sort of wandering hero, searching for – well, I suppose you could say for myself."
"That's awfully romantic," said Peach, her chin in her hands.
Pit reddened. "Perhaps I can read you one of the poems I wrote on my wanderings? It's called, 'To a Black…' I'm sorry, that should say, 'To a Blonde-Haired Beauty.'"
"I'm sure Peach has heard enough," intervened Sonic quickly, as a newly cleaned Meta Knight exited the shower. "We should start thinking about how to get out of here."
So far, the group had been taking it in turns to use the shower in Peach's room, fight off the Koopa hordes using the narrowness of the staircase and tell Peach their life stories/gawp at her. As the only one who felt no sexual attraction towards the Princess, Yoshi had been on Koopa duty for the last half hour, and his head was getting tired.
"Why don't we just barge through them?" suggested the Captain. "Worked last time."
"Last time we had the element of surprise," answered Sonic. "Plus, we weren't trying to work our way down a very narrow staircase."
Peach gave a thoughtful "hm", got up off the slippery floor (with not a little difficulty) and started pressing the walls.
"What are you doing, your highness?" asked Meta Knight.
"Oh, for goodness' sake call me Peach," she said into the wall. "You rescued me. You're my friends now. Well, except for Wario, of course."
"What did I do?"
"Help to spread the LOVE's reign of evil and corruption for a year, plus you're ugly and you smell. Aha – here we are."
She gave an apparently nondescript brick in the wall a small push, then a longer push and then another small one. The entire wall behind Bowser's wardrobe opened up, and the piece of furniture was swallowed by the darkness beyond.
"The castle has lots of secret passages," said Peach, as the others looked into the gloom. "This slide will take us out and into the castle gardens. Problem solved."
"Is it safe?" asked Meta Knight.
"Safer than a ravening Koopa horde, yes. Just watch out for friction burns."
"Permit me to go first," said Sonic gallantly, "just to make sure."
"Why do you get to go first?" asked Captain Falcon.
Yoshi ran past them and, with a quick cry of "hup!", slid away down the slide. Behind him, the door burst open.
"Okay, we'll all go first!"
o o o
"You know," said King Dedede, "nine months of flying this thing and I still can't work some of these buttons. After all the system hacking to get the damn thing off the ground, you'd have thought that I'd be able to access all the functions, but no. Half the panel's stuck."
Bowser continued to pace around the room uneasily. The floor space was almost clear now, with only a few Waddle Dees remaining to clean up the last of the waste. However, King Dedede was doing his best to remedy this; he was making his way through a fruit bowl, littering the area around his chair with cores, stones and skins.
"Why so serious, King Bebebe?" he asked.
"I feel a disturbance in the force," was the cryptic reply.
"A what in the what now?"
"Something's wrong."
"Gwahahaha!" guffawed Bowser's mobile, right on cue. The caller was not identified on screen.
"Who is it?" said Bowser gruffly. "And if it's bad news, don't tell me. I've had enough of that."
"Er, okay, your Gnarlyness," said Kammy's croaky tones. "How is your trip going?"
"Fine, then," said Bowser in a resigned tone. "Tell me the bad news."
"The little group you sent the Koopa squads to destroy? They've overrun the castle."
"What? How did they get into the town? And through the castle gates?"
"Apparently, there was a Code Pink outside the town gate, allowing them to get inside. And then they blew up the ladies' lavatory in the basement…"
Bowser hung up and wheeled on Dedede. "Turn this heap of junk around."
"No can do, buddy. It's three o'clock in the morning now. If I turn around here, we'll never get to the meeting in time. Can't you get your kids on the case?"
"Bowser Junior is recovering in the hospital wing, and my other children have gone off in a sulk because…"
"Because you shouted at them, huh?"
Bowser looked at the floor. "Maybe. We've got to get back!"
"We can't!" shouted Dedede; and then, seeing the look on Bowser's face, "Look, if your Project Z thingy is half as good as you and G-dorf make it out to be, it'll wipe those assholes out in three seconds flat."
Bowser sagged into a chair. "You're such a nice guy, Dee. How'd you become a villain?"
"Greed, big man. Greed." And he threw the empty bowl neatly onto a Waddle Dee's head.
o o o
Captain Falcon reached the end of the slide, and converted his downwards motion into a jumping flip that brought him neatly to a stop at the end of the room. With a cry of "yes!" he turned around and caught Peach neatly in his arms as she slid down after him. He thought about kissing the Princess there and then, but Meta Knight was watching; instead, he set her gently down and gave her his most winning smile. Peach smiled back.
Wario's landing was the least graceful of the bunch. He had slid down on his rear, and instead of bringing himself to a gentle stop he careened into the nearest wall with a cry of "Wah!"
"I think I've busted my conk," he moaned.
"Save it for someone who cares," said Peach over her shoulder.
A couple of brave Koopas had followed them down the slide, but the ones that had not been impaled by Pit's arrows on the way down met with a Falcon Punch at the bottom that sent them sliding at least halfway back up.
"Now, if I'm not mistaken, this door should take us out of the castle," said Peach, indicating a door with a brass star affixed.
Captain Falcon, Pit and Wario all rushed to open the door, but Sonic beat them to it and held it open for the Princess with a sheepish smile and an awkward giggle. Yoshi rolled his eyes and stalked through after Peach.
"Okay, I was mistaken."
The room beyond was a concrete hangar, filled with all sorts of weird and wonderful vehicles. Peach and Yoshi recognised Bowser's Koopa Clown Car, along with a few Koopa military vehicles. There were many different models of go-karts, along with a few motorbikes and some aerial transports.
"Don't touch that!" snarled Peach, as Wario tried to clamber into a go-kart. "That's Mario's. You'd break it."
"We may still be in the castle," said Sonic, "but can't we take one of these vehicles out? If we get something that's strong enough, or can fly, that could get us out of the town."
"Yawah?" asked Yoshi, indicating with his head.
The vehicle he was pointing to was a yellow and blue machine that looked vaguely like a wingless fighter jet, with a curved head and two green "eyes". It was easily big enough to transport the seven of them, while remaining effortlessly sleek and streamlined.
"Hey, that's my Falcon Flyer!" said Captain Falcon, running over to it. "They must have picked this up when they raided my fortress off Port Town. Hiya baby, how are you? Have they been nice to you?" he cooed, stroking its flank.
"You don't seem as upset about this one," said Sonic.
"Of course I'm not upset. I've found it. This is my transporter – I usually use the Blue Falcon for races. I love them both in very different ways. You know, sometimes I imagine they're both women, and obviously they're really hot, and we have the most amazing trios together. The Blue Falcon's the more eager one, she's up for anything, and the Falcon Flyer's a bit uncertain at first, but once she gets into it…"
He looked at the shocked and disgusted expressions on the other's faces and coughed.
"…But perhaps now is not the time. Peach, have you ever watched an F-Zero race?"
"Once. Hated it."
"Oh." An awkward pause. "Shall we go inside her?"
"That just took on a whole new meaning," muttered Meta Knight.
o o o
The Falcon Flyer flew gracefully out over the heads of the Koopa army, which had surrounded the castle in an attempt to halt the progress of the escapees. Princess Peach blew them a kiss out the window as the ship soared over the wall around Toad Town and off towards Hyrule.
"Okay, I admit that this ship is pretty swish," said Sonic.
"Pretty swish?" said Captain Falcon from the pilot's seat. "What you are talking about, my spiny buddy, is state-of-the-art space-age technology, modified by yours truly to make the ultimate transport machine."
"The seats are kind of not comfortable, though," said Pit.
"Usually I have the Blue Falcon back there. Those are fold-out seats."
"If you want, you can switch seats with me," said Peach, who had the comfy seat next to Captain Falcon by the Captain's insistence.
"Yeah," sneered Wario, "let the sewer lovers sit together. Ow!" He clutched his backside and looked behind him into Meta Knight's yellow eyes.
"No no, I insist you stay here," said the Captain. "I'm sure Pit wouldn't deprive a lady of her throne."
Pit nodded, seething inwardly.
"One thing makes me curious," said Sonic, his legs growing restless again. "Peach, how did you get hold of some C4 and a detonator? Do they normally keep it in the castle?"
"Oh, that? Some guy called Solid Snake gave them to…"
Sonic was out of his seat and at the Princess' side before she could finish her sentence.
"A guy called Solid Snake?"
"Yes. Do you know him?"
"How long you got?" said the Captain, smoothly turning the Flyer to avoid a flock of bats.
"What did he say? Did he say where he was going? Did he leave you a message? Did he mention me?"
Peach looked at him quizzically. "What's the relationship between you two?"
"No relationship!" said Sonic, blushing furiously. "I just need to find him, that's all!"
"Sorry," said Peach, unable to completely prevent a smile. "Let me see. He told me that he'd come from another planet to find out what was going on with Nintendo – just like you, actually. He stayed for a few nights in my room…"
"That bastard better not have tried to hit on my woman," muttered Wario.
"I'm not your woman. Anyway, he told me that he was going to stow away on a ship to Hyrule Castle…"
"My ship," growled Meta Knight.
"…where they were holding a major meeting, and he was going to find out what was happening there, and about something called Project Z, and rescue the princess at the same time."
"Princess Zelda!" said Captain Falcon. "I've met her once. She is smoking."
Peach glared at him. "Anyway, he said that after that, he'd sneak out and take out the barrier around the planet."
"That way we could get more help in from outside!" said Sonic. "Brilliant! Does he know how?"
"He seemed to."
Sonic turned to the group (apart from the Captain and the Princess, who were sitting in the seats behind him). "Gentlemen (and lady), we have reached a turning point in our quest to free the planet of Nintendo from the foul rule of the LOVE. Very soon, we shall not only meet up with a man known to us as a one-man army, but also know exactly what this Project Z is and how to take down the barrier that surrounds this planet. From there, it will only be a matter of time…"
Captain Falcon banked sharply to the right. Sonic fell over and rolled hard into the wall of the vehicle.
"And that is why we don't stand up in the ship."
o o o
Time passes.
The journey was not long; the Falcon Flyer, although not as fast as the Captain's other ship, had a top speed that still outpaced the Wario Bike. The scenery quickly changed, from green grass to quicksand desert to barren desert and back to Hyrule Field.
Most of this went sadly unnoticed. The LOL had slept badly for the past few nights of trekking, and not at all so far that day. The chairs may have been uncomfortable, but compared to the wet grass they were plush velvet, and there was no threat of having to wake up to fight Koopa squadrons. The Captain set the Falcon Flyer on autopilot and an alarm to wake him up when they were within ten miles of the castle, took off his helmet and joined the others in slumber with his head on Peach's shoulder.
Another thing the ship's crew missed due to sleep was the increased amount of Bullet Bills they encountered on their way out of the Mushroom Kingdom and large black birds upon reaching Hyrule. The Falcon Flyer's autopilot was advanced enough to dodge around these hazards with little problem, but the evidence that the attempts to catch them were stepping up was undeniable.
And time passes.
o o o
The magical force field around Hyrule Castle crackled and vanished as the Halberd flew into the grounds, touching down gently on a terrace near the top of the building. The gangplank slowly descended, and Bowser and Dedede, still yawning from their naps, walked down it to meet the man who had come out to welcome them.
He was dressed in black armour and a whirling blue cape with a purple lining. His head, like his body, was big and broad, and boasted fiery red hair, beard and eyebrows above deep-set orange eyes. A large yellow gem was set into his forehead, and small spectacles perched on his large nose. His skin was entirely green.
"Dedede! Bowser! So glad you could make it!" he said in a genial manner.
"Hey, big G," said Dedede, giving Ganondorf an all-enveloping embrace that made the green man look positively small.
"You know," said Ganondorf, returning the hug, "if anyone else tried to hug me they'd be covered in dark flames by now."
Dedede let go of him quickly.
"Good job you're not anyone else, eh?" laughed Ganondorf. "Now, why don't you make your way to the main hall? The others are already there. Help yourself to some food! Make yourself at home."
Dedede nodded silently, and opened the door into the castle. Bowser made as if to follow.
"Bowser, my old friend!" said Ganondorf. "No hug for you then?"
"I'm not really a huggy person," mumbled Bowser.
"The spikes, eh? Well, never mind. Now, before we go down and join the others, I thought we should have a little chat, us special ones. How's business back at home?" he asked, taking Bowser towards another door into the castle.
"Pretty good, pretty good," said Bowser, awkwardly.
"Pretty good? But I thought the invasion of Yoshi's Island was a complete failure."
"Well, yes, it was," said Bowser, cursing Ganondorf inwardly, "But then again, it wasn't. I've got my son back, you see. Now…"
"That won't do, Bowser," tutted Ganondorf. "That won't do at all. If people hear that Yoshi's Island has successfully risen up against us, they might try to do the same, mightn't they?"
"I'll organise another invasion as soon as I've sorted out my castle."
"Your castle? Why, what's wrong with it?"
In his head, Bowser said several rude things about Ganondorf's mother.
"Oh, nothing, nothing. I mean, no more than usual."
"What about that group running around? The one you said had Meta Knight and Wario in it?"
"They'll get theirs in time," said Bowser, opening his briefcase. "Now, I've got the speech for the meeting…"
"Ah. Bowser, don't take this the wrong way, but I was thinking I might do the speech this time…"
"But you did it the last two times!" said Bowser, spilling papers everywhere. "Besides, this is an absolute beauty. A classic of the genre."
"I'm sure it is, Bowser, but…"
"Would you like to read some?" said Bowser, pushing a wodge of papers into the green man's face. Ganondorf pushed them gently away.
"Not right now. Look, there's something special I wanted to show you before we meet the others. Something I think you'll like."
"Oh, yippee!" groaned Bowser.
o o o
A blast of electric guitar and a barrage of drums rocked the Falcon Flyer. Its crew were jolted rudely into wakefulness, with the exceptions of Yoshi and Wario, who snored on unperturbed.
"What was that?" cried Peach.
"That was us coming within ten miles of Hyrule Castle," said Captain Falcon, yawning and switching the volume down. "It's actually a death metal remix of the music that plays on the Big Blue race course, and it's the only thing powerful enough to get me fully awake instantly."
"And how come you had your head on Peach's shoulder?" hissed Pit angrily.
"It was comfy," said the Captain. Peach's face gave nothing away.
The ship soared smoothly through the air, taking out a flock of black birds in one fell swoop by driving straight through them.
"Oh my gosh, I just remembered," said Peach. "Snake said there'd be a massive force field thing around the castle."
Indeed, Hyrule Castle Town was just becoming visible, and the building after which the town was named seemed to be surrounded by a large glowing bubble.
"Fantastic," said Captain Falcon. "What do we do now?"
"He said the only point where the force field isn't active is the castle sewer. So if we…"
"Bleurgh," said Pit. "No thanks. I've had enough sewers to last me a lifetime. Maybe Snake's wrong. After all, how's he going to know what the inside of Hyrule Castle's like?"
"He's more likely to know than us," said Sonic.
The barrier crackled briefly and then disappeared.
"It's gone," observed the Captain.
"It's probably letting the Halberd through," said Peach. "It'll be back in a second."
"Unlikely," said Meta Knight, sounding slightly offended. "The Halberd has an engine far more powerful than anything that could fit on this ship. It should have reached Hyrule Castle a while ago."
The barrier seemed to support this story by remaining resolutely gone.
"It's a trap!" cried Sonic. "When we try to fly through, they'll close the force field again and we'll crash into it!"
"How will they know we're here?' asked the Captain. "This baby doesn't show up on radar. I designed the anti-radar system myself."
The barrier was conspicuous by its absence.
"Wah… What's happening?" asked Wario, finally waking up.
"I'm going in," said Captain Falcon, a manic grin on his face. "Everybody hold onto your seatbelts. We're hitting the castle!"
"What if the barrier comes back?" asked Sonic.
"Then we'll all die!"
"Well, that's reassuring."
o o o
"Do you like it, Bowser?" asked Ganondorf.
There was something almost feline about Bowser's toothy grin.
"I like it very much," he said.
o o o
"I still can't believe that you said, 'We're going in!' and then flew away from the castle," grumbled Sonic.
"I was hungry," said Captain Falcon.
They sat in the ruined temple, eating pies that Wario had bought for them from a nearby stall. News travels slowly in Hyrule, and the vendors thought he was still a member of the LOVE, allowing him to purchase supplies without any unwanted attention (extreme fear was wanted attention). Yoshi had gone with him, to make sure the pies made it to the temple without being eaten. What with all the movement of people within the LOVE territories due to a lack of border controls, Yoshis were not uncommon in Hyrule, allowing him to pass unnoticed.
Captain Falcon had, with some skill, piloted the Flyer between the huge gaps in the temple walls and landed it easily. The Moblin guards had assumed that it was a giant metal bird and kept away, while the few people in Hyrule who recognised it as a plane of some sort did not recognise it as Captain Falcon's. Thus they were safe for the time being.
"Well, now that your hunger has been satiated, how in the Gods' names are we going to get from here to the castle without one of us being recognised and brutally murdered by giant pigs?" said Sonic, spitting pie everywhere.
"We could always do what we did last time," said the Captain.
"What, blunder into them and run like hell?"
"Why not?"
"If I may interject."
Nobody could quite remember when the figure in the hood had appeared in their midst, but now that it had drawn attention to itself it was somehow obvious that it had been there for a while now.
"You again?" said Sonic. "How did you get here so fast?"
"I have my ways," said Mewtwo. "Now, you seven want to get into Hyrule Castle in order to disrupt the LOVE. Am I correct?"
"Who's this guy?" whispered Peach in Captain Falcon's ear. "And why does it feel like he's messing with my head?"
"I would not describe it as 'messing'," said Mewtwo, making Peach jump. "It is simply more convenient for me to beam my thoughts directly into your mind than to try and use my limited and untrained vocal chords."
"How does he do that?"
"I can read your mind. And it's not 'he'. I have no sexual organs."
Peach shuddered. "Thank you for telling me that."
"Can we stop discussing the impossibility of an army of baby Mewtwos?" interjected Meta Knight. "Do you have a way to get us into the castle?"
"I do."
"Will you tell it to us?" said Meta Knight tetchily.
"A simple bit of mental manipulation. I use my psychic powers to make you invisible to everyone and take you to the castle. You walk through where the barrier used to be and I leave you there."
"What's the catch?" asked Peach, used to the intricacies of foreign diplomacy.
"It will cost ten thousand coins."
"Is that all?" Peach laughed, producing a pink purse with a floral pattern and counting out thousand-coin notes into Mewtwo's outstretched palm while the others watched in shocked silence. "Goodness, you have really weird pad things on the end of your fingers."
"Really? I hadn't noticed."
"Where did you get all that money from?" asked Wario, stunned. "I thought Bowser…"
"Yeah, Bowser now owns the royal coffers," said Peach with a swish of her hair, "But he always let me carry some around. He was in love with me, you see."
"Oh great," said Wario. "Another competitor for your love."
"If you mean that he has the same chance as you of getting into bed with me, then I concur."
"You're too slow!" said Sonic, tapping his foot. "Come on, step it up!"
"That line's getting really annoying," said the Captain.
o o o
"They've done WHAT!"
"Something wrong, Bowser?" asked Ganondorf, peering at the Hyrule Tribune.
"What do you mean, 'she's gone'?" yelled the Koopa into his mobile.
"Oh dear," said Ganondorf, half to himself. "That group has rescued your princess."
"Well get her back then! I don't give a fuck how, just do it!" He hung up and grumbled to himself.
"Out of interest, what have they taken?" asked Ganondorf, filling in a crossword clue.
"What d'you think? Plus, they've stolen a nice ship I had in the garage and blown up Petey P."
"Oh dear," said Ganondorf again, pursing his lips. "Still, never mind. Now that Project Z is complete, we can steamroll anyone who tries to move your Princess to another castle. Now, come on. We have a meeting to get to."
"And I have a speech to read, right?"
Ganondorf sighed. "We'll see, Bowser."
