Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are all owned by Disney the great and powerful. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.
I originally had this chapter titled 'Guess Who's Coming to Dinner', but despite the movie's controversy in 1967 it has aged badly, in my opinion. Raymond Scott doesn't get old. In 1943 Warner Brothers bought rights to use his music, and Carl Stalling put it into over a 100 cartoons, with later animators continuing to draw on Scott's music. (You have heard Scott's music. Go to YouTube and listen to Powerhouse.) His compositional technique differed greatly from other jazz musicians, but that gets too far afield for this note.
Dinner Music for a Pack of Hungry Cannibals
Kim wondered if Shego applied the same set of rules to Monique that she applied to Kim. Not that she imagined Shego was trying to seduce Monique. But Shego had said something about topics that were off-limits between her and Monique. Maybe she should have listened better when Shego tried to explain off-limit topics. Or, Kim wondered, could there be different off-limit topics for Monique and her? Could Monique know why Shego didn't want to talk about her college days with Kim? Probably not. But one person could certainly tell her something about where Shego attended college.
"Hello?"
"Mister Barkin? This is Kim Possible."
"Miss Possible. I hope you're fully recovered."
"Yes, thank you. I, ah, called to ask if you could do a little favor, please?"
"A favor?"
"Yes. I... That is, could you please tell what college Ms Go attended?"
The assistant principal's voice took on a hard edge. "I don't know a Ms Go."
"Sure you do. You hired her as a substitute teacher at Middleton for a couple weeks this–"
"There has never been a teacher at Middleton High named Ms Go."
"She taught–"
"I repeat, there was never a teacher at Middleton High named Ms Go, and you must now excuse me. I have chocolate chip ice cream in the oven and need to check on it. Good-bye Miss Possible.
"Chocolate chip ice cream in the oven?" Kim wondered. She suspected he meant cookies, but after the incident of the cherry gelatin and the emu she had given up on trying to understand Mr. Barkin.
Shego took deep, cleansing breaths to calm her nerves as she stared at her watch prior to ringing the Possible doorbell on Thursday. She was exactly on time. There were people for whom six o'clock meant a quarter 'til six. There were people for whom six meant six-thirty. There were people who regarded it as rude if you arrived even three minutes early, or three minutes late. Shego's best guess was that Anne Possible liked things done exactly on time.
The tension each of the three women felt as they ate dinner was obvious. It was obvious to each other. Men, being men, were, of course, oblivious.
At the end of the meal Anne instructed her sons, "Jim, Tim, eat your pie in the living room. Adult conversation in here."
A vague instinct for self-preservation caused James Possible to want to pick up his plate of lemon meringue pie and seek refuge in the television room with his sons. But years of married life had taught him that the path which seemed to lead to safety in the short term was sometimes the most fraught with danger in the long term, and he remained at the table.
"Coffee with dessert?" Anne asked.
"Yes, please," her husband answered.
Shego thought quickly, a cup of hot coffee might make a good offensive weapon if she needed to escape suddenly, "Sure."
"Now then," Anne began when everyone had been served and they were again all seated, she looked at Shego, "I want to ask about you and my daughter. Let's begin with the big one – I've heard you and Kim are having sex."
"What?" sputtered James.
"No way!" Kim protested.
"You shouldn't listen to idiot rumors," yawned Shego.
"The accusation doesn't seem to surprise you," Anne commented. "Did you start the story?"
"Mom–" Kim tried to protest.
"Oh, Monique called and told me about the rumor a couple days ago," explained Shego. "Her opinion is that Bonnie Whats-her-name started it."
"And you didn't tell me?" objected Kim.
"Would it have done any good, Pumpkin? I mean, seriously, are you going to punch out the idiot for lying? And it's your own fault."
"How is it Kim's fault?" Dr. Possible wanted to know.
Shego shrugged, "That was the theory Monique and I worked out. Kim looked like she was dressed to impress at the movies, and she was with me – so either Bonnie jumped to a wild conclusion or she's simply a lying manipulative bitch. Although it could be both."
Kim repeated, "You should have told me."
"So, mind at ease?" Shego asked Anne. "Although, if Kim and I were having sex, would it be any of your business?"
"Mom! Shego and I are not–"
"You have tried to kill Kim in the past, you are now treating her like... like a friend. I think I have every reason to be concerned."
"Mom! Shego has saved my life!"
"Which doesn't change the fact she has tried to kill you." Anne looked at Shego. "Do you deny that?"
"Nope, true enough. But that was years ago, as Kim has mentioned."
"It still makes me reluctant to trust you. You and Kim still fight regularly, so I am very curious why you are going out with her?"
"Do you mean how I coerced her, or my motives?"
"You coerced her?"
"You think she would go out with me because she likes me? She's out of action, so I've done a couple missions in her place with the condition she accepts my invitations."
Anne looked at Kim, "Is this true?"
Kim squirmed slightly, "Well... Yes."
"And you didn't mention this?" She looked at Shego, "I don't think promises made under duress–"
"Hey, I didn't twist her arm. I gave her a proposition, she accepted, I did the work. There is a karma balance sheet and I'm calling in the debt."
"I will talk to Kim about her agreeing to your proposition later. What are your motives?"
"You're asking a lot of questions, but you haven't answered mine. Would it be your business if Kim and I were sleeping together?"
"Mom! I'm not sleeping with her!"
Anne ignored her daughter. She finally answered, "I'm not sure. Kim is an adult. I have serious issues with you, however. Given your history of fighting with my daughter I find your behavior very suspicious."
"Fair enough. And now you are asking about my motives. Working for Drakken was getting boring until Kim came along. I tried swatting her like a mosquito at first, and she just kept coming back. Sometimes I'd win. Sometimes she'd win. I like the challenge. So I stopped trying to hurt her seriously, and have stepped in a couple times when someone else was threatening her... Can't let someone else take away my fun. And then she got that damn mono. I miss the competition. She may miss it too, Kim suggested we learn how to play chess so we could–"
"Kim suggested the two of you learn how to play chess?" James Possible asked in disbelief. "Seriously?"
"I assume she was serious. The point is, I wanted a challenge and she's one of the few people who can give me one. She can't fight until she's back to a hundred percent. I don't cheat at solitaire. Since there's no point fighting her physically right now I'm trying a mental challenge, her suggestion was chess. I decided to try testing her temper. We go out and I insult and tease her, trying to get her mad enough to try and punch me."
"You're teasing and insulting my daughter?"
"Sure and she gives it right–"
"Shego is lying, Mom," protested Kim. "Okay, we do a little teasing, but I think she's lonely and–"
"I'm not lonely!"
"Okay, how about you want to be with someone who knows the real you, so you can relax and be yourself. I'm pretty sure you told me that."
"I... I told you that," Shego admitted. "But that doesn't mean I'm lonely! I just don't want to put on a stupid, fake plastic smile and pretend to be someone I'm not. It just means I want to hang around with someone who knows me so I don't have to be fake – it doesn't mean anything else."
"And your long term plans? Are you still working for Drakken?" Anne demanded
"Yeah, if he needs me I go back – and Kim should wait until she's really ready for a fight before she tries anything. I figure I'm working by just being here in Middleton and monitoring how fast Kim is getting back in shape. Actually, the good doctor and I are having something of an argument at the moment. He wants me back stealing for him now and thinks my Middleton vacation has lasted too long already."
"So, when are you planning to go back?"
"Heck of a question. I can't believe I'm still here. Monique begged me to come when her aunt needed surgery and–"
"She begged you to come? And since you mentioned Monique, exactly what is your relationship with her?"
"Doctor Possible, I'm trying to be as honest with you about Kim as I can manage. I haven't had a lot of practice. However, I'm pretty sure that my relationship with Monique is none of your damn business."
Anne Possible was a woman accustomed to getting her way, and having her questions answered. Her husband and daughter held their breaths, expecting an explosion. There was a moment of silence as the fuse burned, and then... It didn't happen. "You are correct. It is none of my business. I apologize for asking."
"No problem, you're concerned for Kim. It just made you a little rude." Shego glanced at Kim, "Think she'll try hitting me, or is her self control and patience as good as yours?"
"My self control is excellent," Anne assured her. "I've wanted to call the police since the day you arrived in Middleton. But Kim insists you are helping Monique out during a family crisis – which I will accept although I don't understand your actions. And–"
"I'm actually a sweetheart," Shego assured her, "always there for others."
"There is no reason for sarcasm. Kim also suspects that the Middleton police would be unable to arrest you, or hold you if they were able to arrest you – which is the other reason I've refrained from alerting the authorities. But I will repeat my question, how long are you planning to stay in Middleton?"
"Hard to say. Another month, maybe. I'm surprised I'm here now. I figured I'd be in town a week, maybe two – tops. Just a short break for me. Then Monique's mom decided that since there was someone here helping Monique she'd stay on and help her sister through rehab. Monique was desperate, said she'd do anything if I helped with her brothers. And, I mean, how could I turn down someone in need? Like I said, I'm a sweetheart."
"Sure," was Anne Possible's dry retort. "How much did you threaten Monique?"
"To know me is to love me," Shego grinned. "And let's be clear on one point, there has never been any kind of threat to Monique while I've been in Middleton, no threat of any kind. She has been completely safe from me. Period."
Anne noticed that the promise there had been no threat to Monique was limited to while Shego was in Middleton. It allowed for the chance there had been a threat at another time or place, but if Anne asked about that Shego would probably claim it fell under the category of Monique-Shego relationship that Anne had no business asking about.
"Monique's mother will be coming back in a few weeks?"
"Looks that way. And at that point I split. While she appreciates how I'm helping out at their place, I suspect she doesn't really want a super villain camping out there. Any chance I could move into the guest room here?"
"I hope that was meant to be a rhetorical question. Now, about the relationship between you and my daughter–"
"Mom!" protested Kim, "Shego and I are not in a relationship."
"Oh, but we are," Shego chimed in. "Any two people in the world have a relationship, even if it is the relationship of being total strangers to each other. Your mom and I are in a relationship. Relationships are not always symmetrical. See, I'm on my very best behavior, but your mother's relationship to me..." Shego turned to Anne Possible, "What's the best adjective here? Hostile? Adversarial? Antagonistic?"
"That this is your best behavior says a great deal about you. I will call it mutually adversarial. And don't change the subject. Your relationship with my daughter?"
"When? I mean, we've already gone over the fact it has changed over the years. You really want to go back to the beginning?"
"Let's start with your arrival in Middleton."
"Okay, I arrived in Middleton and my relationship with your daughter was respected enemy. I wasn't planning to hurt her, but I knew just being here would annoy her – only damage I would attempt while she had mono. Asked her out for dinner after graduation to celebrate. She told me to go gargle with hydrochloric acid and–"
"I did not tell you that!"
"I'm cleaning it up for your mom and dad. They don't want to hear what you really said."
"Mom!"
"Continue," Anne told the green woman. "My daughter told you no."
"Can you believe it? I've saved her life, and she won't even go out to dinner with me? I didn't even think I'd be in town that long, but out of the goodness of my heart–"
"Can we please skip the goodness of your heart?"
"I happen to think it is important to the story. Anyway... Oh, yeah. I mean I'd saved her life and she said 'no'. What do you have to do to get Kim to go out get treated to a nice dinner, save the world? And it turns out, yeah, that's what it takes. The world is in peril, evil threatens to overcome the forces of good and Kim Possible is sick in bed. Wade pleads for me to take up the dangerous challenge, risking my life for truth, justice, and the American way. And Kim grudgingly says I can drop money on her if I save the world first. There's no gratitude."
"There's a great deal of something in your story," Anne muttered, "and it isn't gratitude. So Kim agreed to go out to dinner with you... This was some time before graduation?"
"Yes, but it was more open-ended than just the one dinner. It was kind of she had to accept invitations from me as long as I was in Middleton. If it makes you feel any better, I don't think either one of us imagined I'd be around here this long."
"But you have been around longer than you had imagined, and admit that Drakken would like you back now. Yet you remain in Middleton and–"
"Monique needs me, remember?"
Anne paused. "Alright, you have stayed, as you say, out of the goodness of your heart – to help your friend Monique. Nevertheless, it has resulted in your spending time with Kim. Your current relationship with Kim?"
Shego shrugged, "I enjoy spending time with her. And, while it is very dangerous for me I'm starting to see her as a friend. Not sure how–"
"Dangerous?" James Possible asked.
"I don't like hitting friends, and I assume Kim and I will be slugging it out again one of these days when she's back to one hundred percent. Still, we're both dedicated to our causes and I'm sure we'll handle the relationship professionally. Maybe after we clock out after work we can get together for a drink and talk about the fight." Shego looked over at Kim, "What do you say, Cupcake? Loser buys dinner for the winner once we're back to the grind? Or is your opinion of me still that I should tie a stone around my neck and throw myself in the river?"
Kim kept her eyes on the plate in front of her, pushing a few crumbs of pie crust around with her fork.
"Kim," Anne said, "Shego asked you a question, and I'm terribly curious about the answer myself."
Kim blushed, "I... I'm not sure. We... I've had fun when we... But I don't know if I can trust her. I mean, she says she's starting to feel like a friend, but maybe she's lying."
"I'm glad you feel that way." Anne looked at Shego, "My daughter says she doesn't trust you. I hope you will take that as a reason to stop asking–"
"Ah, but I enjoy going out with her, whether she trusts me or not. And while it may be selfish I want to enjoy myself while I'm here in Middleton, and Kim did agree to accept dates for–"
"Do you have to call them dates?" protested Anne.
"Going out with a friend?"
"No, not that either. I suspect there is no way to phrase it that would make me happy."
"I did agree, Mom," Kim reminded her mother. "It's just a few more weeks."
That ended the interrogation portion of the evening. Somehow it was difficult to transition to lighter conversation and Shego announced that, while she had enjoyed the lovely dinner, she needed to leave.
"Kim, would you clear the table?"
"In a minute, Mom. I want to say something to Shego before she goes."
Once outside Shego looked at Kim and raised and eyebrow, "Going to apologize?"
"No. I'm mad."
"Your mother was just doing what–"
"I'm mad at you."
"Why?"
"For lying to my mother!"
Shego sighed, "That was the most sustained piece of truthing I've done in years. I don't think I told your mom any lies, and it put so much strain on my system I'll stop for a drink before I go back to Monique's."
"You said you hadn't threatened Monique in Middleton."
"So?"
"The bomb around her ankle."
"There was never a bomb on her ankle."
"But she said... Monique lied to me?"
"You may not remember the conversation, but Monique didn't lie to you. She told you she was a hostage, I took the phone, and said she had a bomb on her leg. She didn't want to lie to you – even for your own good."
"I was worried sick about her, and it was for my own good?"
"You have a pattern of being reckless. Monique made me promise not to hurt you while I'm here. Well, I won't start a fight. I said I'd defend myself if attacked. I was afraid you'd try to rescue her from hostage status before you were well enough to fight. The idea was to scare you enough you wouldn't do anything stupid until you were fully recovered."
"That's ridiculous!"
"Hey, it worked. Oh, and tomorrow afternoon, double date for bowling."
"Double date?"
"Couple guys and us."
"Two of Drakken's goons?"
"Hey, they're not all goons. A few have evolved into Neanderthals. But these are a couple guys from Middleton... You already know them."
"I know them?"
"Yep."
"Jocks from one of the teams?"
"I'll let you be surprised."
"'Cause some of the jocks are... Where did you–"
"Tomorrow afternoon. We'll pick you up at one-thirty. Always lanes open in the afternoon."
Kim was intensely curious, but knew she'd have to wait. One of the guys was probably Ron... No, not Ron. Both of Middleton's bowling alleys had banned Ron. Could Ron have given Shego suggestions on two guys to invite? She hoped he realized she had lost interest in Josh. More likely Shego had asked Monique for names. Monique wouldn't give Shego the names of anyone with whom Kim would be embarrassed to be seen.
"Well," demanded Shego, "could your mom object to these fine gentlemen?"
"Yea, Kim!" voted Nelson.
"You'll be with us, and Miss Green? Honest?" Steve asked.
"They've never been bowling," Shego explained as they drove to Middleton Lanes. "Their dad handed me some cash and said give them a few treats on him–"
"And we went to the movies, an' we–" interrupted Nelson from the back.
"No need to give her the full list. Today is bowling. And I'm warning the Princess here that she and I will probably need to spend some time giving you two lessons before you can really bowl. I'm hoping we can get adjacent lanes and you and your brother will take one and Kim and I will take the other."
Nelson wanted to know, "What's a lane?"
"Want to take that one, Cupcake?"
"It'll be a lot easier to show you once we get there," Kim explained. "And scoring may seem a little confusing to you your first time out, so I'll keep score for you."
Shego got a sense that Kim was unhappy about something as they rode to the bowling alley. She hoped she was wrong. The feeling persisted as they gave Monique's brothers a lesson in bowling. When they moved over to the next lane for their own game she was able to whisper, "What's wrong Princess? You seem pissed off. Steve and Nelson that much of a disappointment? Expecting a couple hunks?"
"No... I'm mad that you lied to me."
"Oh, which time? I really feel like I'm being pretty good with the truth."
"Telling me Monique had a bomb on her leg! Do you know how worried I was?"
"Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?"
"It's not ridiculous. I was scared it would go off. That night you took me out to dinner? When you headed to Upperton I was afraid she... And she was never in any danger!"
"Let me try and get this straight," Shego demanded. "You're angry because Monique was never in danger, so you feel you wasted worry on her? You'd feel better if I had really strapped a bomb on her leg, so you being frightened wouldn't be wasted?"
"That's not what I mean!"
"Good, 'cause wanting me to strap a bomb on–"
"You know what I mean!"
"Probably, and I can see you feel it was a mean trick to play on you. Try to picture it this way, I didn't put her in any harm, and I really felt like the threat was what you needed to keep you from trying some stupid rescue before you were healthy."
"I'm going to try and concentrate on Monique not being in danger, but you still got me worried over nothing."
"Would it make you feel better if I strapped a bomb on her leg now?"
Kim closed her eyes and counted to ten. "I've got a better idea, how about we bowl?"
"Good idea. And what a coincidence! We're in a bowling alley!"
"I was going to suggest roller skating, but think the management would object. Ron's been banned."
"For roller skating?"
"There are things worse than roller skating in a bowling alley. You don't want to know."
"I believe you. Let's bowl."
Nelson considered it a success if he kept the ball out of the gutter. Steve had more problems with learning delivery, stepping over the foul line several times, but was proud he managed a few strikes and spares.
With the air somewhat cleared between them, Kim and Shego focused on bowling. Neither was a good bowler. They two were evenly matched on a level that serious bowlers would have considered lower mediocre. Not that it mattered. Neither had any dreams of bowling a three hundred game. Their shared goal was simply to beat the other, and their competitive spirits kicked in.
Nelson and Steve managed three games before giving up to work on a pitcher of root beer. Kim and Shego finished four games in the time the younger boys needed for three, and each had won two.
"Good place to stop," Shego commented. "We're even."
"One more game, please?" Kim begged. "I want to beat you."
"Ask Steve and Nelson, if they're willing to watch I'm willing to beat you."
"Ha! In your dreams... This is way better than chess."
"And you were too sick when I got to town to bowl."
"Well I'm fine now."
At the end of three frames Shego was ahead by four pins. "Place a little wager on the outcome?"
"The game's early. I can win!"
"I know. I just thought a little side bet might make it interesting."
"What kind of a bet?"
Shego dropped her voice slightly so the brothers wouldn't hear. "I was thinking, if I win, you have to kiss me."
"And if I win?"
"I have to kiss you."
"You never give up, do you?"
"My dad always told me persistence is a virtue."
"I believe that only applies if your goal is something good."
"Don't put yourself down like that."
"Put myself down?"
"Yeah, my goal is great. It happens to be you. But if you're chicken, how about loser buys coffee and biscotti tonight?"
"You're on."
It appeared Shego would cruise to an easy victory, until a seven-ten split in the eighth gave Kim a chance to gain ground, and Kim's strike in the ninth was followed by another strike with her first ball in the tenth. Even though the second ball only knocked down four pins it still gave Kim two hundred and one; a victory over Shego and the first time she had broken two hundred.
"So, when do I pick you up for coffee?" Shego asked as they left Middleton Lanes.
"I'll pick you at eight-thirty. I'm paying!"
"You won."
"I'm celebrating breaking two hundred!"
Shego raised an eyebrow at the sight of Ron in the back seat of Kim's car when she went outside.
"I asked Ron too," Kim explained, stating the obvious. "It's safer."
"Safer?"
"We might run into Bonnie or someone who's heard the rumor, which sounds like most of Middleton."
"Hey, Stoppable, did you hear that Kim is having sex with me?"
"I heard."
"And you thought?"
"Dumb lie."
The green woman shrugged, "You're a whole lot smarter than you look."
"Thanks, I... Hey!"
"Focus on the smart part," suggested Shego.
It was much safer to have Ron along, in Kim's opinion. The reason she admitted to herself was that being seen with just Shego would keep the rumor alive. There were reasons she was less willing to admit. She was starting to enjoy her time with the older woman, but worried that Shego was just pretending to like her, to make defeating Kim easier the next time they fought. "I don't like Shego," Kim reminded herself every time she thought about how much fun she had when she was out with the thief. She could also remind herself, "Shego is only around Middleton for a few more weeks." It was a reminder supposed to put her mind at rest, but it caused more of a feeling of regret.
And while the purpose of inviting Ron along was to stop the rumor about Kim and Shego having sex, it meant that Kim had to sit close to Shego when the three shared a couch at the coffee shop. Kim found the feel of Shego, pressed against her as they sat side-by-side, uncomfortably pleasant.
