Chapter 09

It was eerie walking into a room alone. For weeks, Rinn had known nothing of solitude. She always had to be watched, whether by a person or an AI – corporeal or not. In fact, it may have been the very first time she wasn't being observed in the entire time that she had been in this... Place. This world. The notion was almost scary. Not that she hadn't been observed, she had been evaluated that day after all.

So I could become some sort of muscle? So I can make myself an even bigger threat to everyone?

The dark-haired woman stepped deeper into the apartment, coming to a halt in the living room. She closed her eyes, letting the quiet settle over her and breathed in deeply. She smelt the soap from the shower she had taken after her physical testing with Jachett and beyond that she breathed in... a sense of calm. There weren't any sharp chemicals and yet the place didn't smell musty either. She took another deep breath and felt welcome. It wasn't something she would ever be able to describe to Helena in a manner her friend would understand.

But then, Rinn didn't exactly know whether she would've even attempted now that things were so... different.

It was good being near Helena again, but they both were so awkward, so unsure. Right before she left, the ginger had made a point of it to stay near Rinn. To make contact with her even when it was unnecessary. Almost as if to imprint that sense of calm and quiet and assurance onto the hybrid. Rinn could've been reading it wrong, but that was how it had felt at the time. Helena didn't like physical contact and yet the dark-haired woman could not remember a time when her friend had actually done so as frequently as on the ship. She had chastised Rinn whenever the latter wanted to draw back, whenever the shame felt too overwhelming and she felt... tainted. This from Helena who was almost always at the point of shuddering whenever someone so much as looked like they were going to come near her.

And now? Rinn frowned. It felt as if none of that had happened. As if she was back in the AI core, swallowing fearfully as Helena dared to step closer.

No, don't be so overdramatic. It's just... nerves. Or something. We're just... unsure. There are no monsters chasing us and now we have to process and figure out... everything.

She sighed. There simply were too many things to make sense of and she knew with a certainty that most of it was going to be beyond her. The fatalist in her was naturally urging acceptance; urging that she follow wherever the currents of this unseen stream were pulling her. It was very tempting to do just that. But what she really wanted to do was sit and plan it out. Or try to. She wanted to reconstruct what she remembered of her story, draw up the character sheets again. She had spent over seven months planning, writing things down by hand, printing Mass Effect information, making notes from the Paul Grayson series written by one of the Mass Effect writers, Drew Karpyshyn. Oddly she remembered Grayson's story, but so much of her notes, her planning was just... gone. Maybe if she put them down on paper again...

Where did the idea come from? Why did I decide to write about a Shepard who failed? Did it have something to do with Mass Effect 3? Was victory too sweet?

She thought to ask Helena about it, but knew that she wouldn't dare.

Where am I going to get paper? Rinn thought instead. She would need to physically write it down somehow. It was simply how it worked with her. She needed something tactile, something real, to bring to reality that which was not. Maybe they have white boards... Maybe I can use a stylus or something. But then again, she would need the actual equipment. All she had was her omnitool at this point.

Rinn kicked off her shoes, choosing to pad to her room in her socks with her boots in hand. The interview-slash-aptitude-test was not what she had expected. The turian didn't seem impressed with her, but he didn't turn her down either. After having watched Rinn run, jump, lift weights, block punches and kicks, he merely nodded at Liara and mumbled about them needing to sort out the paperwork. And then it was done. Simple as that.

"I don't need you to talk," Jachett had said and clearly he didn't.

I can't believe I'm going to go through with this.

Just follow the current, Rinn. Just follow the current.

She walked into her bedroom, dropping her boots in her closet and turned to regard the furnishings. It was pretty standard: a bed central against the wall, a bedside table, a desk. Rinn glanced at the bed, then regarded the door. It didn't feel right, she decided. The bed was too close to the door. When she had finally gone to bed the night before, she felt vulnerable. No, she thought as she began moving her furniture around. No, it simply won't do.

She moved her bed to the far wall – which consisted mostly of large windows. And the desk she moved closer to the door so she wouldn't have her back to it were anyone to enter. It also meant that one would have to cross the entire room to get to her while she was sleeping and that suited her perfectly. Besides, with the bed so close to the windows, the arrangement also allowed her a comfortable view of the world beyond.

She walked over to the bed now, grabbing her pillow and propping it up so she could sit against her wall and let her gaze drift through those windows. She couldn't hear the cars beyond it and it felt as if she were watching a television on mute. There was so much get used to. So much to learn. She activated her omnitool and casually began reading up on the items she had added to her mental list. She checked how well known Jachett's company was, figured out exactly where their apartment was, then made note of the stores in their immediate vicinity. She found simple how-to guides on using appliances –and managed to figure out how to use the blinds in the process.

And she looked up Blasto, just for good measure. Things that tickled Helena's fancy was worth studying, if only to see whether it would end up being something they both could enjoy.

When Rinn finally had her fill of information for the day, the sun had already disappeared beyond the buildings. She rose, stretched and padded over to the living room, closing the blinds with a sense of achievement. It was such a simple and silly thing. Foolish even, but it was one more thing she could do. One more thing she wouldn't struggle with later. With her newly-acquired knowledge, she turned to the television and decided to see what's on.


She returned later than she anticipated, but when it came to work, Helena had never really had a concept of time. She had never been office bound, her previous job requiring her to travel vast distances to do consultations in remote areas. She made her own office hours and wasn't really ruled by deadlines. She worked until the job was done, regardless of what time she returned home.

She had a feeling that working for Liara was going to be very different and, if she didn't pace herself, Helena was easily going to be stuck in the office forever, because there was always something to do. She didn't necessarily like the stuff that she was busy with now – but it was easy at least. Liara had left her shortly after their discussion for a social with Chakwas and Tali and didn't return until late. She had been surprised that Helena was still at office, only to realise that she had never given her the authority to lock up.

It was the small things that they still needed to figure out.

Standing outside of the building, looking at the lights in the darkness around her, Helena felt tired and alone. She understood where both these feelings came from. It had been one hell of a day: complicated, stimulating and frustrating. She had been up early to go to the Normandy, she had been to training and she put in a decent day's work at Liara's. And, she was still recovering. Helena knew that she had to be easy on herself.

But can I? Is there time? She knew better than anyone that the pieces of the game could fall into place at any stage and they had to be ready. She didn't want to get stuck in another proverbial mine. She wanted to know how to deal with what was coming.

But that's not quite within my power, is it? This is not my world.

She didn't feel like reminding herself about it, because there was something different.

Helena had had an idea. A thought. It was a fledgling spark, one she didn't dare discuss with Rinn yet as she didn't know what her friend would make of it. But, Helena had a feeling that she might be able to change a few things. It had come to her on the Normandy, the idea had been born almost two weeks ago, but then things changed. She came to Illium and became so self-absorbed in her healing that she didn't think.

She hadn't remembered the name that had come to her now.

Kasumi Goto.

I have to ask Liara, she thought as she finally entered the apartment. I have to ask Liara how one would find a person. If she exists, if she is here in this world, I can reach out to her. It would be a small change, but it might help…

Because Rinn had not played any of the dlc's, none of the extras ever featured in her frame of reference. She had read the books of course, she was able to get her hands on those, but the actual game play was a mystery. Kasumi was a mystery.

Helena wasn't sure how the thief could help now, but she knew that she could not let the idea go. And she didn't dare forget it again.

How does it feel to forget a whole life? Helena wondered suddenly as she made her way to their apartment. How does it feel to forget… almost everything? She didn't know what to make of Rinn's memory loss. It was a blessing if one considered her as a shadow agent for the reapers. In the gameplay of Mass Effect 3 lay all the major victories, all the major losses of the game. If they had their hands on that, they could change the whole course of the war.

Anybody who possesses that can do it.

I can change things…

It was a dangerous idea. A dangerous feeling. Helena stilled her heart and finally reached their door. It was the first night of many that she would stand here and she tried to savour it, to cement it to normality in her mind.

I'm going to have to be honest with Rinn. I'm going to have to tell her about the nightmares.

The thought brought her no pleasure, but she steeled herself and stepped through. She could tell that Rinn was home immediately with the television on. As she walked through the foyer, her friend sat up on the couch she had been lying on and gave her a guilty look. Helena didn't understand it and smiled instead.

"Hey," she said. "Comfy?"

Rinn glanced at the television and then quickly turned it off. "Hey," she said. "Yes… I…" She trailed off as Helena waved her to silence.

"You can carry on watching," the ginger pointed out. "Coffee?"

Wine wine wine…

Rinn smiled immediately and nodded, coming closer to the kitchen instead after turning off the television. Helena noticed that she was in socks and, after a few moments' consideration, slipped off her shoes and left them by the door.

"That would be great thanks," Rinn said. "How was your day?"

Helena smiled, but felt a twist in her gut from nerves. Studying Rinn, she tried to pick up any indication of her mood, but all she could pick up was care not to invade her space. Rinn kept the small kitchen counter between them as Helena went to turn on the kettle.

"Long," Helena confessed. "But, I think that can wait for last. I'd first like to know how yours was. What happened?"

Rinn's face fell a bit and her shoulders hunched for just a second. Helena could tell that she didn't want to talk about it, but knew she had no choice. Don't worry, my friend. We all have conversations like that looming.

"Well," Rinn said finally as she pulled a chair closer, studying Helena as she made them some coffee. "The interview was a lot less talking and more about me running, jumping and picking stuff up." She shook her head. "My future boss is a bit of a grumpy bear, but he's a soldier so I think that's more or less the stereotype."

Future boss.

Helena didn't reply immediately, but carefully pushed Rinn's cup towards her. "So it's been decided then?" She queried. "You want to do it?" She picked up on the moment of conflict immediately, saw it in the way Rinn looked at her and then down at the cup. She doesn't know.

"Well," Rinn said finally, wrapping her half hand around her coffee mug. "Liara says that he will take me. It's just a matter of sorting out the paperwork. I can't say there was a lot of interaction between me and him. He had this asari doing the testing while he and Liara just observed." Rinn gaze strayed to the bowl of fruit that Helena had set out the night before and, after some consideration, she picked out an unknown fruit. "It was very uncomplicated really."

Not commenting, Helena watched how she ate – unable to shake the chill from her that came with the image of the two aliens simply watching her friend perform. Surely it had to have been more personal than that?

Rinn finished the fruit in record time and began to reach for another when she saw Helena's look. Embarrassed, she drew her hand away which only made the ginger smile. "Any preference for supper?" she said, relieved when Rinn shook her head.

"Anything you can make," the hybrid pointed out. "I have faith this body can digest anything."

The ginger gave her a quick look. "Don't get cute," she said and decided that pasta was going to be the easiest. "What's the plan of action then? Are you going to start training?"

Rinn nodded slowly, studying her reactions. "Next week I guess," She said. "As I understand it we're sort of on Illium's Thursday right?" When Helena nodded she continued. "I have to get a training kit. Liara said we'll get it over the weekend. And… more clothes I guess. The stuff the Normandy got me is…" She looked embarrassed. "A bit snug."

Helena hadn't had the same problem and found herself studying Rinn, seeing how her friend's body had filled out. As she understood it, the hybrid had started exercising on the Normandy already, training in the 'gym' simply to pass the time. Although she didn't make a habit of checking out her friends, Helena couldn't help but notice that Rinn looked good. Better than she had when she arrived in this world in fact.

Is it feeding her? This world? Shaping her?

What can the pattern be? The need?

Kasumi Goto came to mind again and she wondered whether she should discuss it with Rinn. Not yet, get your facts straight first…

"So," Rinn said, breaking the silence and her thoughts. "How did your trip to the Normandy go?"

Well, she answered my questions…

Helena tried to smile and shrug. "Okayish," she intoned. "It wasn't a joyride, but everything…" She made a half-hearted motion to her shoulder. "Seems to be okay. It was… surprisingly good to see Kelly and Chakwas." She thought of her discussion with the doctor in the elevator and wondered what the woman had made of it. Did she share it with Liara? Did they discuss them over lunch?

Helena liked to think not, that there were more important things in their lives than two refugees.

But we're not refugees.

Rinn frowned, picking upon the darkness of her thoughts. Helena shook her own head and shrugged. "And is it just me or are the elevators fuck slow?"

Raising a brow at her choice of words, Rinn grinned. "Wasn't there a meme about that?" she queried. "About the ability to travel the galaxy instantaneously through mass relays, but elevator rides being a pain."

Nodding, Helena smiled, but her thoughts turned darker. "I didn't feel the pain up until now," she said, feeling her heart clench. "I've always been claustrophobic, but I…" She looked at Rinn, not sure whether to continue. The look in Rinn's eyes told her that it was safe, that her friend would almost appreciated it if she did. Show her that she's not the only one afraid. "I find that it's worse."

Rinn's hand moved, as if she wanted to reach out and touch Helena. "It's going to take time," she said, her movement stopping when the distance was too great to cover. She still considered her words, not done with the subject. "Sometimes," Rinn continued. "It helps to carry something small with you… like… like a coin. Or stone. Something with texture that you can keep in your pocket and ground you…" She trailed off, her hand unconsciously reaching to the silver St. Christopher that hung around her neck. "I… I can give this back to you?" It was a question, rather than a statement. One Helena refused immediately.

"Don't be silly," she said. "It's yours. But… Thank you," she tried to smile. "It's a good idea. I'll try it. I used to… to count." She shrugged. "I'll figure something out." She began setting out the things that she needed for supper, feeling Rinn studying her every move. Her friend had reached for another fruit.

"Can I help you with anything, Helena?" She asked finally. "I know you think I'm terrible in the kitchen, but…"

Helena smiled, but her chest tightened. I do need help and I might as well tell you now…

She braced herself, knockingher knuckles against the counter in order to try and give herself more courage. Rinn watched the movement critically and waited.

"I am going to need help, Rinn," she said finally. "With a few things." She found that she couldn't look at her friend. "The brace needs to come off every evening. I can't do it on my own. I thought I could, but…" She remembered the previous night's failure and sighed. "I can't. So you might have to help me with that."

She risked a glance at Rinn to find that she seemed to be holding her breath. And she looked positively terrified, probably of saying the wrong thing.

"I can," she said. "I will. I mean…" She paused and struggled, her hand once again reaching across the counter. This time, Helena briefly crossed the distance with her own and patted it. "I can help you Helena," Rinn said – finding the right words. "It won't be of any trouble. I'd love to help."

Helena nodded, but knew that she wasn't done. The next was even harder to say.

"There's also something else," she said. "You… you remember that I sleepwalk right?"

Rinn's gaze came to hers immediately. She did. It was one of the first things Helena had told her when they met up for the first time. It made the next easier, but Helena still felt it difficult to say.

Admitting weakness? No. It's deeper than that. This is admitting to something I can't control.

"I get nightmares, Rinn," she said. "Bad ones. Beyond logic, beyond… how calm I feel when I go to bed." She looked at the fish that she had not yet moved to her room, might not because she was too scared that she would knock the tank over. "I get nightmares."

At least her friend didn't look at her with sympathy. She couldn't quite place Rinn's look as her friend shifted. "There's… nothing logical about nightmares Helena," she said softy. "It's no… failure on your part. It's okay."

It isn't, Helena thought and sighed.

"The last one made me nearly break Liara's knee, because I was… fighting," she said. "I just woke up… fighting." Rage, rage against the dying of the light. "I don't want to hurt you."

Rinn almost smiled. Almost. How many times had she said those same words to Helena?

"Is there something we can do?" She queried. "Or… get or something?"

Logically, yes, Helena thought and grimaced, feeling defeated. It always came down to drugs in the end. She had kicked against it her whole life and now because she couldn't trust herself not to traumatise her friend any further, she might just have to bend to it.

"There's medication that I can take," she said defeated. "Will take if…"She couldn't finish, feeling angry. "I don't like the way it makes me feel, but there is." She looked away from Rinn. "I'm not on it at the moment. I'm kind of hoping the situation will sort itself out."

There was a long pause or – it felt endless to Helena.

"Lena," her friend said finally, her voice soft and surprisingly gentle. "It's completely understandable." Mercifully, she sounded as if she understood where Helena came from. Rinn knew how Helena had struggled with her depression throughout the past couple of months and had known how opposed she was to using medication. She might have thought that it was foolish stubbornness, but she never pushed Helena.

"If you don't like the meds then… maybe there are alternatives or something. We'll figure it out." Helena looked at her again to find that she was smiling at her, bravely – even though the ginger could tell that she was terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. It made Helena smile and the loneliness that she had brought into the apartment with her vanished.

"Thank you," she said softly and fidgeted with the table top. "Just… Let me know if it gets too bad for you. Be aware that I do it and stop me if I run out of the apartment naked. We don't want that happening again. Once in one's life is enough." She smiled, pleased when Rinn did the same, her ears colouring with embarrassment. She had not been privy to experiencing that specific day, but Helena had told her why she didn't necessarily sleep in her birthday suit anymore…

"I'll um... protect your honour," Rinn said with an embarrassed chuckle. "Maybe invest in a sling shot for long distance waking." She winked. "I wonder if the turian will teach me to shoot with my eyes closed…"

Helena chuckled as she continued with supper, feeling slightly better. "Gah," she said as a joke. "You'd be so lucky. I'm a sight for sore eyes naked."

Rinn paused made as if to hide her face, then gave Helena a hopeless expression, the kind she normally wore when she couldn't help herself and blamed Helena for it.

"Or one that can create sore eyes…"


"I have to admit, I'm quite concerned with this development, Miranda," the Illusive Man was saying. "You seemed quite capable of dealing with Shepard before going through the relay."

It was there, that hint of disappointment. Of disapproval. Miranda was especially gifted to pick it out, to sense it. It was after all almost all that she received from her father growing up. But, with the Illusive Man it was more clinical and she knew that she had to be cautious, not to promise him that she would do better. She had known that he would not like it that Shepard had chosen to submit to the Alliance testing, but Miranda also understood that, for the moment, there was very little that she could do about it. So, she raised her brow and tried not to let what he said get to her.

"I don't see what this has to do with my ability to handle her," she said dryly, her tone showing him exactly how little regard she had for his opinion on this particular matter. "Nothing's changed."

The Illusive Man dismissed her sentence immediately with a simple wave of his hand. "You're allowing her to become distracted," he accused her. "And allowing the Alliance to take control of her. You know she's a career soldier. Once she's under their influence again, she will go wherever they and their politics need her." He fixed her with a look and took a drag of his cigarette. "She plays too big a role to be derailed. Your mission is too important."

And what is our mission now exactly? Miranda wondered. To hang around and wait for you to give us another itinerary? We're supposed to be building up an army to fight the reapers. This is bigger than Cerberus. She wished she had it within her to be sassy to him, but the truth was that it had been a long day and she was tired.

"I'm very much aware of what is at stake," she said coldly. "But this was Katelyn's decision. Nothing short of a control chip can change her mind."

It got the reaction from him that she wanted, that implication that things would've worked out if she had simply been allowed to have her own way.

"You know why I could not allow that," the Illusive Man said, his voice tight – as it always was around this matter. It was a very old argument between them.

Would you still put in the chip if you had the chance?

"One of the reasons you're there is to make sure a chip isn't necessary," the Illusive Man continued. "If I had known you weren't up to the task, I'd have set other plans in motion." His eyes narrowed. "Of course, it's not too late."

Miranda's heart went cold inexplicably. Other plans? What other plans? She moved to the defensive, she couldn't stop herself.

"If I stand against Katelyn in this, I will push her closer to the Alliance," she said. "Trust me, I have tried to show her the futility of this. Fighting her isn't the answer."

The Illusive Man studied her and it was anybody's guess as to what he was thinking. He took a slow drag of his fag again, blowing out the smoke in such a way Miranda could almost have sworn she could smell it over the connection.

"Then what do you propose, Ms Lawson?" Her boss finally said and she could tell in his tone that he was mocking her. "You know as well as I do that this isn't merely about the Alliance's need to prove that it's Shepard." His tone made her angry because again in him she saw her father, that being who had thought that he was more superior than she was. To whom she was never good enough.

I have sacrificed everything for Project Lazarus. Two years of my life. My relationship with Jacob. Everything.

"I will support her," she said simply. "Try and guide the process in such a manner that she cannot fail if she wishes to pursue this all the while subtly trying to steer her away from it. To show her how futile it is to hand the judgement of her 'authenticity' over to fools." She sniffed and fixed him with a look. "If she persists, then I expect you to give her a reason to come back to us. That is not within my power."

She could tell that he didn't like her tone either and for the longest of times they simply stared at each other across the space that separated them.

"Alright," the Illusive Man said finally. "I'll expect you to keep me updated – more so then you have in other matters." He took a slow drag of his cigarette again and sat back, studying her in a way that made her feel naked and dirty. "Be careful, Miranda. I don't want to see the commander cloud your judgement. That could have… unfortunately consequences."

Are you threatening me?

Her icy anger was back and this time she allowed every inch of it to show. "My judgement is sound," she said. "You wanted me to support her, to become her shadow. To earn her trust. I have always done and succeeded in what you asked of me. Always." Even when they told you that it is impossible to bring someone back from the dead.

The Illusive Man's expression didn't change though his tone softened. Yet, even that felt like a mockery.

"Indeed you have," he pointed out. "My concern here is that she in turn might have gained yours. Just because she isn't Cerberus doesn't mean she doesn't know how to play the game. There is a reason people gravitate towards her. We brought her back to harness it, not to be harnessed by it." He shook the ash off of his cigarette. "Don't forget who's holding the reins and don't let the Alliance slip their leash over. This is your assignment, Miranda, and if you are not up to it, if you are too traumatised by recent events, then I can always assign someone who is."

Miranda was so angry she was almost shaking. Fuck you, she thought, realising that she had raised her hand to point a finger at him. Fuck you. I gave you my life!

"Don't mistake my admiration for Shepard's talents for blind, ignorant loyalty," she hissed. "Don't think me a foolish sheep. I am not like them. I can do what I have to to see this mission fail. Don't ever doubt me."

The Illusive Man didn't answer her, but sat in his chair, smiling at the finger she had pointed at him. Miranda realised that she had to rein her own temper back in and slowly dropped her hand, composing herself.

"Is there anything else you want to discuss?" She queried. "I have to get back to work."

He shook his head and looked away, beyond her and the link as if there was something more important waiting in the shadows for his attention. "No," he said simply. "Unless there is something you feel the need to enlighten me of, that will be all."

Miranda could tell that he wanted to close the link, but, in a petty show of defiance, she shut it off before he could and felt childishly pleased that she managed when it winked out of existence at her command.

Fuck you, she thought. I am not blind. I am not blinded by Shepard.

Then why haven't you discussed Helena and Rinn with him yet? Why haven't you told him about them?

Miranda felt sick suddenly and leaned against the console, steadying herself as she tried to regain her composure. He's got no cause to doubt me, none.

But, she knew it wasn't entirely true…

Trembling, wishing suddenly for nothing but her bed, Miranda turned around and left the briefing room, planning on heading straight to her quarters.

"Has mum and dad been fighting?"

Miranda turned around shocked, the voice slicing through her like a knife. Kate, I didn't see her, why the hell didn't I see her?! She looked at Katelyn, leaning casually against the wall, her features light as she smiled. Something had amused her, but the look soon vanished when she met Miranda's gaze.

"Miranda?" she asked when the XO didn't answer her and the concern in her voice was worse than the disappointment of the Illusive Man's.

Miranda stepped back without thinking, then quickly composed herself. "Is there anything I can do for you, Commander?" That is what I used to say, I never expected you to come to me simply because you wanted to talk.

Kate looked very concerned now and stepped closer to her, almost within touching distance. She didn't answer her question, but studied her eyes before her gaze travelled down to Miranda's hands that had crossed her chest on their own accord.

"Miranda, are you alright?" she asked and Miranda almost told her. The words were there, the need for advice, to express her fears. To tell her how much she hated the Illusive Man in that moment, but then she stopped herself. It was like pulling short a charging krogan, but she reined in her emotions and faked a smile.

"Of course," she said simply, but she could tell immediately that Katelyn didn't believe her. Yet, the woman didn't push, her gaze sad as she reached out and touched Miranda's elbow, squeezing it slightly.

Don't touch me, Kate, Miranda's mind pleaded and suddenly she thought of Helena, always keeping people at more than an arm's length. Is this why? Don't you trust yourself?

Miranda realised suddenly that she had to get a grip on herself and took another steadying breath, this time willing herself to feel the cold calm that she had woven into a shield around her.

"Kate," she said quietly. "Is there anything I can do for you? Or did you have to use the briefing room?"

The commander's gaze was still sad as she regarded her, but she shook her head to the latter, motioning to Miranda.

"I thought I would turn the tables and give you a report on the day," she said with a half-hearted smile. "I didn't realise you had business to attend to in the briefing room and… thought we could get some food while we're at it. We can go out to Nos Astra. Girls' night out. EDI told me that you were here."

Damn AI. The curse was habit, not with vehemence.

"Commander, I have a lot to do," Miranda said carefully. "But, it would've been… nice. Has there been any new developments?"

Katelyn's gaze was unreadable as she studied her and then, with a sigh, shook her head. "Nothing that can't wait," she said and Miranda wondered suddenly if Katelyn had simply wanted to go out and have a meal with her. Does she want to talk to me? Does she need advice? Does she need help?

The Illusive Man's words returned to her. 'There is a reason people gravitate towards her. We brought her back to harness it, not to be harnessed by it.'

His words aren't even cold and I'm already trying to accommodate her.

When Katelyn looked as if she wanted to turn away, Miranda closed her eyes and sighed. "You obviously wanted to talk to me, Commander," she said, using Katelyn's title for her own sake, but keeping she kept her tone lighter than usual, almost kind. "Has there been any new development with Rinn? She went for her interview, didn't she?"

Katelyn's eyes had a question in them, but it was perhaps the use of her title that stayed her tongue. She grimaced at the mention of the hybrid, but kept her pose well enough.

"It seems that Rinn will be taking on the position Liara had arranged," Katelyn said quietly. "The interview went well. The turian seems… interested. She'll go through a probationary period obviously." She didn't look happy at all. "At least that means things can proceed sooner on our side."

Miranda wasn't sure whether she should've been happy or concerned so she nodded and asked carefully. "When do you plan on leaving Illium?"

Again, Katelyn looked torn. "Soon," she said. "I would like to stay tomorrow, talk to Rinn. But we can leave after that."

For a moment, Miranda didn't know how she felt about it. A part of her was relieved because the less she knew about Helena and Rinn, the less she had to withhold from the Illusive Man. But she had thought that they would have more time; that Katelyn would hang around for at least a week. The Alliance had obviously changed her mind however and she now felt obligated to go to the Citadel.

Shepard is a career soldier.

I thought I would have time to talk to Helena.

About what? You shouldn't care.

Miranda tried to push away her feelings. "We've invested enough time into them," she said neutrally. "It's time they make their own way."

Katelyn was still studying her with that appearance as if she was trying to see into her soul. "Perhaps," she said and opened her mouth to say something. She changed her mind however and gave Miranda a quietly curious look. "Still, they're… unique. Worth spending time on as people. I think you can at least agree with that?" She ended the last softly, studying Miranda's features closely.

Struggling, the Cerberus officer made sure to keep her expression in check, but found her gaze turning to the briefing room door. We should've taken it in there. "They made it clear that they are unwilling to aid us in this mission," she said coldly. "Regardless of their unique talents. We have done what we can for them." They are not Cerberus business.

She picked up on Katelyn's surprise at her reply, even though she wasn't looking at her. Finally, she felt the commander nod. "We have," she said simply and paused. "Miranda, is there anything you still need to do? Or something we need to do here?"

She's probing again. She knows something's wrong. Damn you, Shepard.

"My business matters are in order," Miranda said simply. "I am ready to leave on your command." This time she risked looking up at Katelyn to see that the woman looked strangely disappointed and sad. It made Miranda's chest ache and it took all she had not to lift her hand to touch it.

"Okay," the commander said quietly and seemed to take a breath. "Well, I'll let you go. Let me know if you need anything from me."

I need you to leave before I lose my self-control and have a pity party on your shoulder, Miranda thought as she nodded tightly. "Thank you, Commander," she said. "I'm going to… be in my room." She paused. "Sleep well, when you do."

Katelyn nodded and once again looked as if she wanted to touch her, but this time she didn't dare.

"And you, Miranda," she said quietly. "Try and find some peace."

Not likely, Miranda thought as she turned away from Katelyn and tried to go to the elevator with a controlled, calm pace. Not on this ship, not here. She was exhausted and hurting.

Not here.