A/N: Hey my wonderful readers. There are not enough words to express how sorry I am for not updating this sooner. I have been so completely swamped and I just have not had a chance to sit down and write. Thankfully I found some time in the past few days to get this chapter done. Hope you enjoy and I haven't lost anyone during the long wait. I can only promise serious angsty drama and heartfelt moments to come so you're going to want to stick around. Thanks again guys for the amazing response, and the wonderful reviews. Once again this story is still living because of you. I promise I am 100 percent dedicated to this story, so have no fear it will be completed but there is still tons to come. The plot is beginning to surface and I'm so excited to write the next chapter. It is boiling in my brain. I do want to warn you all that this is my last month of the semester which means final assignments and exams are nearing. As such, I will not be able to update this till Christmas vacation. But the moment I'm off I'll try to get the newest chapter up as soon as possible. Till then guys, take care and thanks again and don't forget to review. You know how I love those kind words!
Chapter 9: Holiday Blues
Christmas came and went, and like most things in my life it had gone by in a thread of quick helloes and much too quick goodbyes; the first being with Darcy. Five months had gone by without so much as an email. And then, to our surprise my mother and I were welcomed by a long overdue Skype call. Somehow, Darcy's mission trip had brought her to a hostel in Zimbabwe with limited internet access. The service only lasted about twenty minutes before cutting out, stripping my sister once again from our lives. It wasn't nearly enough time to take joy in her short visit, or to simply remember the curvatures of her face. Instead there was only an empty place left inside me where she should have been and I found myself dolefully mourning the loss of my sister most nights behind closed doors.
Not long after it was my dad's turn to make his sudden reappearance. It had taken twenty one phone calls and nineteen voicemails to be precise before I finally agreed to visit him for Christmas Eve. It had taken about half the time before I realised how little I belonged in his new life. My father had always wanted a son. So if Irene's three young boys weren't enough, he also had a shiny thirty four year old girlfriend to boot. As ridiculous as I might have acted, I couldn't help but feel replaced. So with a quick utterance of apology and before my dad could convince me otherwise I chose to leave. Not even allowing him to drive me home, but simply calling a cab from the curb outside his apartment.
The third instance was not so much a quick goodbye as much as it had been never really saying hello. Since open mike night, Jake and I had seemingly chosen to ignore each other nearly any moment we were together. This meant awkward silences tended to suffocate the Edwards-Martin household. Even worse, was the fact that neither of our parents seemed to notice the tension. Which made the facade Jake and I were playing, that much more uncomfortable come Christmas morning. We hugged and laughed and even smiled politely for the pictures. But even while standing in the same room with Jake, I felt like we were miles away from one another. Needless to say, I was not at all upset for the holidays to be nearing its end.
You can imagine my displeasure when my mother decided to drop the absolute worst bombshell I could have ever anticipated. It was once tradition for my family to spend New Year's Eve at our cabin in Georgian. And for reasons that I still can't comprehend, she had thought it was a good idea to relive the same tradition with the Martin clan. Only instead of spending a blissful week in our four bedroom cabin and roasting marshmallows by the water of Lake Huron with my sister; I was to ring in the New Year in Glen's dingy one bedroom cabin with my emotionally fickle boyfriend.
"Clare come down for dinner!" my mom's impatient yell rang out from below the steps, bringing me out of my temporary daze. I rolled my eyes, folding the article of clothing in my hand before placing in the open duffel bag on my bed. It was the night before the cabin trip, and I was not exactly in the jolliest of holiday moods. Quickly I zipped up my bag, taking a final weary glance around my room before heading downstairs.
...
The clinking of metal on porcelain had to be about the worst sound I had ever heard. Lately, I was finding it increasingly difficult to make conversation with my mother. Which meant the din of cutlery was the only indication that any of us were still breathing. To make matters worse, Jake wasn't even home to suffer through the stress with me. In fact, I hadn't even seen Jake all day. Suffice to say, while he was lolling about Toronto with Moe and Drew, I was left the avail of a particularly ice cold meal at the dinner table. My eyes glanced across the table to Jake's usual seat and I clenched my jaw. My grip tightened on my fork and I began to angrily stab at the steak on my plate.
"Clare." My mother's stiff voice spoke. I sat up with a sigh, prying the fork from the stake and placing it to my side.
"Better?" I asked, with a phony grin.
She gave me a disapproving stare for a few seconds before shaking her head and returning to her conversation with Glen.
There wasn't much I could say to her to explain my bitter mood so instead I turned back to my food allowing the silence to once again fall between us. I wasn't sure why I was allowing Jake's absence to get the best of me. I had never been one of those girls; the kind that constantly dwelled on their boyfriend. Yet here I was torturing an innocent piece of meat. No longer hungry, I could feel my stomach twisting uneasily.
Just then, a low scuffle resonated from the front entrance. Jake walked in through the foyer, a thick smile painting his features. He said nothing beginning to shrug his jacket off and allowing it to fall to the floor before flopping clumsily into his seat. Immediately he reached for the sweat potatoes, beginning to fill his plate.
"Nice of you to greet everyone with your presence Jake," I said, not attempting to hide my annoyance at his rather uncouth entrance.
Jake glanced up at me, but said nothing instead turning to my mother. "Yeah, sorry about being late Helen. Things just go a little caught up, public transit on the TTC is a mess."
My mother smiled sweetly in response. "That's alright Jake, so long as you got home safely."
Jake grinned and I crossed my arms angrily. No doubt if I had been late, the conversation would have gone a lot differently. I huffed in response and Jake glanced at me once more, clearly noticing my aggravation. He leaned back in his seat taking a sip of water and swallowing wryly. I narrowed my eyes at him and the bones in his jaw began to clench.
We were having an all out stare down, at the dinner table no less.
"So I know you two were a bit apprehensive about spending the entire week up at the cabin with your folks." Glen began, temporarily distracting Jake and me from one another. We looked toward him, weary of the smile painting his features. "So I thought, if cabin fever starts rolling in you might want to invite a friend or two up to the cabin with us?"
My mother's features twisted slightly, "Sweetheart I thought this was supposed to be a family trip?"
"And it still is, but the kids might not act so miserable the entire time if their friends were there to enjoy the trip with them." He glanced between us, "You probably thought I didn't notice the way you two have been acting. I have no idea why you are both so down in the dumps lately but this is where I draw the line. This vacation is meant to pull us closer together as a family but if bringing a friend a long will help boost your spirits I'm not opposed to the idea."
Suddenly I felt my heart beat with excitement. Immediately my mind raced to Ally, thinking this trip no longer seemed so terrible. Almost instantly that notion was squashed as I remembered I was no longer speaking to my best friend. Not since our last night at the cabin nearly five months back. I could feel the bitterness once more, tingly in my legs and slowly rising into the weakened areas of my body.
It wasn't fair that Jake had his friends and I was left without Ally. The one person I truly wanted on my side more than anything. Warm liquid clouded my eyes and I breathed struggling for the tears not to fall.
"I don't want to invite anyone." I said, my voice coming out shaky.
The table was quiet for a few seconds, and I could feel Glen's eyes watching me incomprehensively. He cleared his throat, unsure how to respond to an unpredictable and emotional imbalanced stepdaughter.
"Jake what about you?" He asked, reverting his attention to his son.
I looked up at Jake and his gaze met mine. There was a trace of something I couldn't understand behind his brown eyes, guilt...remorse; I wasn't sure. But it was there, and for a brief moment I caught a glimpse of something I missed in Jake.
"There's no one really I want to bring either." He breathed his voice low.
Glen sighed, "Oh come on you two, there's absolutely no one you guys can invite?"
"Dad really," Jake retorted. "I'm sure Clare and I are just fine with it being the four of us. Besides its so last minute I honestly can't think of anyone who doesn't already have plans."
Glen gave a perplexed look, and then his eyes suddenly widened, "What about that girl?" He chimed; a smile began to creep on the corner of his lips, "the one who was with you at the mall today? From what I observed you two looked pretty darn close."
Jake choked, heaving on his steak. My body suddenly tensed. The warmth I had felt just moments ago quickly disappeared. Instead it felt like somebody was plucking every nerve in my body like they would the strings on a guitar. Jake had texted me this morning saying he would be out with Moe and Drew but he had never once mentioned a girl. There was only one person my mind could think of; her platinum blond hair and plastic grin taunting my thoughts. It was Jenna...what other explanation was there?
"Jake-I started but was quickly interrupted.
"I wasn't at the mall today." He spoke tersely, answering the question before I had a chance to ask.
Glen tilted his head, bemused by the sudden shift in his son's demeanor, "But I saw you, while I was picking up supplies for the trip-"
"Dad I wasn't at the mall!" Jake shouted defensively, "I don't know who you saw but it wasn't me."
"Listen kid I know my own son when I see him."
Jake sighed rubbing his forehead. I shook my head in response, "You're unbelievable," I said to him before turning to Glen. "So this girl Jake was with did she happen to be blond?"
"Clare stop-, "Jake started, attempting to get my attention. I ignored him, waiting for Glen to respond.
He nodded, furrowing his eyebrows in concern. "What is going on here?" He looked to my mother who mirrored the same worried expression.
I ignored Glen's request for answers turning to Jake. "So you were with Jenna today?"
"No, I mean yes but-Jesus Clare! Why do you always have to go looking for something that's not there?"
"Why did you lie then? How come you couldn't just say you were spending the day with Jenna...your friend?" I almost wanted to laugh at my inappropriate use of air quotes at such a serious time.
"Because you do this! You jump to conclusion, you get all accusatory."
I rolled my eyes unconvinced and Jakes breathing grew deeper. "Nothing happened! Why is it so hard for you to handle that Jenna and I are just friends? You didn't hear me complain when you and Eli went to that book signing last week.
I felt a familiar burning beneath my skin. Eli had nothing to do with this and Jake had no right to bring him up. "That is hardly a means of comparison!" I yelled back, "Adam and Imogen were at that signing to."
"Clare Edwards!" I jumped, suddenly surprised by my mother's raised and livid voice. It was enough to bring Jake and me to a halt. I turned toward her, unable to understand let alone recognize the furiousness burning behind her eyes. "Did I just hear Jake correctly?" She breathed, "Are you still spending time with Eli?"
I was actually shocked. Out of everything, everything, she had just heard...this is what my mother had picked up on? The sheer ridiculousness of the situation was enough to suddenly pull me over the edge.
"You have got to be kidding me!" I groaned.
"Clare do not speak to me in that tone. Yes or no, are you still spending time with Eli?"
I looked to Jake and his gaze shifted away from my own. Coward I thought, breathing deeply. "Yes." I said quietly.
"I told you I didn't want you seeing that boy. He-he's unstable...dangerous!"
"You know nothing about him mom!"
"I know I was the one who held your crying frame all night after you come back from that hospital. I know what a terrible toll that breakup had on you. Any relationship with Eli is an unhealthy one."
"Mom he was sick, he's better now."
"How did this happen? I thought you cut him out of your life last year."
"We were assigned to be English partners again this semester. Mom listen, there's nothing to worry about, Eli has grown a lot since you met him last and-"
"I'm calling that school and getting you a different partner."
"It's nearly the end of the semester!" I yelled back. This couldn't be happening; with everyone I had already lost I couldn't risk losing Eli too.
"No arguments Clare-
"You can't do that!" I refused. I looked to Jake for help and he still wouldn't look my way. Fresh tears glossed my eyes and before I had time to think twice about what I was about to do, the words were already escaping my lips.
"How can you be so unaware of what's really going on here?" I asked her.
"Clare!" Jakes gaze shot toward mine. His eyes pleaded, stressing for me to end this, "Don't." he urged under his breath. I shook my head wiping the tears from my eyes. So now he cared to make himself known. Well it was too late; I wasn't hiding...not anymore."
"What are you talking about?" My mother asked, once again looking wearily toward Glen and back to me.
"You really have no idea? Even after tonight you still don't know?"
"Know what? Clare what is going on?" Glen interjected, his tone laced with irritation.
I glanced once more at Jake and our parents with a cynical and dry laugh. "Jake and I are still dating."
...
If I could take it back I would. Take back the last thirty seconds and stop myself from admitting the unspeakable to our parents. Most of all I would stop myself from witnessing the utterly numb expression on my mother's face just seconds after I had told her. I was no longer laughing, and this wasn't a movie where I could simply press rewind and make everything be good again. I had wanted to hurt my mother and just like that I succeeded in doing so. What kind of person was I? I never wanted to tell her this way. So many days I had imagined the right way tell our parents. Usually with Jake supportive figure holding my hand the entire time but this...there was no justifying what I had done. Not only had I completely destroyed Glen and my mother but I left Jake out on a limb as well.
"Mom..."I began softly, I took a step toward her and she stepped away in response.
"I-I need to-"she paused, tears filling here eyes. Her hands began to tremble and she covered her mouth. "I need to go for a walk."
And just like that she walked past without another word. I felt something inside me break as the door shut and stood trembling in place.
"Is this true?" Glen gruff voice spoke behind me.
Jake and I remained quiet; what could we have said?
"Is it true?" Glen shouted angrily, making us both flinch.
"Dad-" Jake began but was interrupted as Glen angrily began to pace the room.
"How-How could you two do this?" He paused, rubbing his face and placing a hand on his hip, completely beside himself. "I think it's best if your mother and I to just get away for a little while. I'm not sure how she'll be able to handle this-"he paused again, looking at Jake and me with pained expression. "Consider the two of you off the hook for the cabin trip."
And like my mother he strode past and out the door, leaving Jake and I alone to simmer in the pitiful situation I had created. Jake watched him go before walking toward me, a dismal expression clouding his features.
"What were you thinking?"
I wasn't thinking. "It just came out!" I defended. "I don't even know how, I was just so mad at her and you and..." I paused, my eyes narrowing. "Wait, how is this at all my fault?" I knew it wasn't the time to suddenly allow my temper to take control again but I hated the way Jake was spinning the entire issue on me. "I wasn't the one who lied."
"Oh please Clare, don't start-"
"Don't start what?"
"This isn't about us, this about what you said and how our parents practically hate us now because of it! Do you know how long it's going to be before they forgive us?"
I looked away, and he scoffed. "We have a week to make things right, so we better start thinking about what we're going to say to them when they get back."
"I shook my head, allowing the tears I had suppressed earlier to finally fall, "Can you just leave me alone please."
"Clare-"
"Please just leave me alone." I said again. He looked down on me, running a frustrated hand through his hair before storming off leaving me just as I had asked...completely and utterly alone.
...
If you had told me a few months ago that I would be spending my New Years Eve on the couch watching old reruns of "Happy Days" I probably wouldn't have believed you. And yet here I was with my popcorn in hand, an absentee boyfriend and still no word from Glen and my mother other than to tell us they arrived at the cabin safely.
Jake was out once again, but I hadn't bothered asking who he was with; not since the fight two nights ago. After an of about an hour more of unbearable sitcoms I reached for the remote, sighing in relief as the white noise of applause dimmed to a quiet. I looked around, feeling somehow out of place in the unfamiliar emptiness that was my home. It was disturbing, the hollow echoes that made every small sound ten times more noticeable. Embarrassed to say the least, I had the urge to curl up under my covers and wait for the safety of Glen and my mother's return.
Don't be ridiculous Clare! I heard my thoughts scream at me.I hadn't left the house at all since the fight; not so much because I was unable but unwilling to allow myself to forget the tremendous guilt I was still feeling. The seclusion was quickly getting to me however, and I found myself yearning with desperation for any form of escape. Quickly I slipped on my boots, and grabbed my jacket from the closet stepping out into the cold and allowing myself to feel the bitter December air against my skin.
I wasn't sure where I was headed, only that I needed to keep walking. It was the only way I could clear my head and temporarily forget my predicament; even if only for a little while. The snow crunched beneath my feet and I smiled, the slightest glimpse of a past memory sneaking its way into my thoughts.
I was eight and Darcy was twelve. We were playing in the snow on our front lawn, building a snowman, or at least attempting to. It came out looking more like a snow blob than anything. Our parents were watching us from the steps and I remember smiling at how happy they were...at how happy we all were. It seemed like the perfect day, well at least until Darcy shoved snow down my pants and I ran into the house crying. I chuckled to myself thinking about how I was given an extra cub of hot chocolate that day and Darcy was given a swift and stern talking to by my father.
"Clare?" There was a shuffle of snow behind me and I gasped, turning to face who had startled me. Almost immediately, my nerved began to calm and I felt instead my heart beating swiftly in response to the darkened figure. Eli smiled at me, pulling the hood to his black sweatshirt down and the buds from his iPod out of his ears. His breathing was ragged, and his cheeks flushed. My eyes wandered downward and I noticed his sweatpants and running shoes deducing he must have been running.
"Eli...hey," I breathed, smiling softly. "How did you know it was me?"
He chuckled, "Well at first I didn't, but then I thought who else besides me is crazy enough to be standing in an abandoned church at night? And then just like that I thought of you."
"What?" I asked, looking around and realising what Eli was referring to. I had unintentionally walked myself to the one place I never thought I would visit again. I had walked to our place, the abandoned church.
I laughed and Eli furrowed his eyebrows. "You alright there Edwards, no offence but you have this look on your face like something just dropped on your head."
I smacked him in the chest and he smiled, "I'm kidding."
"I'm fine," I told him. "It's just, I don't know I thought I made myself forget this place but here I am standing with you again just like last year."
Eli smile softened, "So what does that mean?"
I looked at him, swallowing nervously, "I don't know." I said quietly. "That I feel safe here I guess."
He nodded. "Is there a reason for you not to feel safe?"
I shook my head, crossing my arms toward him. "I did something really terrible."
Eli stepped closer with concern, "Are you alright?" He asked a tinge of urgency in his voice.
"Yeah I'm fine, but-I looked down kicking the snow at my feet.
"Clare you know you can tell me anything." Eli urged softly. He took another step toward me making me look up at him. Are bodies were nearly touching and I inhaled attempting to calm the nerves in my stomach.
"I know" I whispered, taking a breath and exhaling the words in a rush. "I told Glen and my mother Jake and I are still dating."
Eli inhaled, quickly grasping the situation. "And I take it that didn't bode well with them?"
"We started arguing one night and I just blurted it out! Just like that. You should have seen her face-" I paused, looking away. Tears filled my eyes and I pierced my lips to fight back a sob. "My mom hates me." I choked.
"Hey, hey..." Eli cooed, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into a tight hug. I clutched tightly onto him, burying my face in his chest and allowing his warmth to engulf me.
"She could never hate you Clare, never."
He held me for a few minutes, allowing me to silently sob into his jacket. I had never felt such comfort from another human being before. He held me protectively, as though shielding me from all the bad and instead transferring all the good back into my body. If it had been up to me, I would have stayed there forever in that moment.
After a little while longer I reluctantly pulled away; embarrassed. "Sorry," I whispered.
"Don't be. Have you talked to your mom since?"
I shook my head. "No. We were supposed to go on a trip to Glen's cabin for New Years but obviously that didn't work out. She and Glen went without us, and they haven't called at all."
Eli nodded, "She'll come around, trust me. These things have a way of working out."
I must have looked unconvinced because Eli tilted his head toward me smirking. "In the meanwhile, what are your plans for tonight?"
I grimaced, thinking back to the stale bowl of popcorn awaiting me back home. "Does a date with the Fonz count as a plan?"
Eli gave me a confused look and I shook my head with a laugh, "Never mind."
"Your an odd one Edwards. But as I was saying, Fiona is having a little get together at the condo for New Years. And when I say little I really mean no less than fifty people." He laughed, shaking his head. "But Adam is going to be there and so is Imogen...
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.
"You should come?"
"Eli I don't know-I wasn't exactly invited."
"It's not a huge deal Clare. Fiona would love if you came."
I began to shake my head, "I don't think so Eli-
"Sunday, Monday!"
I jumped in confusion, my eyes widening as Eli began to sing at the top of his lungs. His raspy voice echoed off the trees that surrounded us.
"What are you doing?" I asked, horrified as I recognized the lyrics to the Happy Days Theme song. Quickly I covered my ears.
"Happy Days! Tuesday, Wednesday Happy Days!"
"Eli!"
"Thursday, Friday Happy Da-"
"Okay!" I shouted, making him stop abruptly in smug satisfaction. "I'll come."
Eli chuckled, "Knew you would, you're so predictable Edwards."
I glared at him and he chuckled oncemore, taking another breath.
"Don't!" I warned.
"Saturday, what a day, Groovin' all week with yo-"Suddenly Eli doubled over, choking as my fists collided with his stomach; not hard enough to hurt only to shock.
"Clare!" Eli groaned.
I laughed, meeting his gaze with a challenging grin. "Bet you didn't predict that smarty pants."
A/N: There you go my lovelies, hopefully you enjoyed. I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can:) Till then, thanks again guys and have a good one!
