Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play

Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play

Chapter Nine: Vegeta the celebrity parent and grandparent

When we last left off Trunks and Goten made a shocking discovery on the process of human procreation while Vegeta discovered that his fat wife Ben was not actually fat, but pregnant! In the meantime the evil Lance Bass has united some of the most powerful forces of evil in the universe to gain his revenge.

(Trunks is sitting in the bathroom at his home with a pregnancy test)

Trunks: I don't get how you're supposed to work this thing; does blue mean that you are or aren't pregnant?

Vegeta: WHISKERKINS! Get out of the bathroom right now, Ben wants you to see our first born child and I have to get my daily hour of masturbation in before I go to the gym!

Trunks: I hate you.

Vegeta: (Blasts through door with a waterbottle in hand and starts spraying Trunks) Bad cat! Very bad cat! Get out of the master's bathroom right now!

Trunks: Dad, I'm PREGNANT!

Vegeta: YOU DIRTY WHORE!

Bulma: What's going on you two, Trunks you need to come out here and see your new sister.

Vegeta: I told you we should have had him neutered Ben.

Bulma: What are you trying to tell me Vegeta?

Vegeta: Slutty McSluttypants went and got himself pregnant.

Bulma: Oh God, I told him not to share that sandwich with Goten!

Trunks: I don't know what to do! Goten is such a dumbass like his father, how will he help me support our child!?

Bulma: Well I don't really know much about this whole thing.

Trunks: What do you mean, you had me and my sister didn't you mom?

Bulma: Well… I had your sister.

Vegeta: This is the worst plot twist since that time I played Charity on Passions and I had to leave that hot pocket Miguel.

Bulma:…. It's very complicated Trunks. But at least Vegeta is your real father!

Trunks: oh God

Vegeta: What's wrong with me being your biological father!?

Trunks: That's like asking why someone would hate having a bipolar, transsexual, homophobic, racist, father who has admitted that he once slept with a man.

Vegeta: I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT WHAT FREEZA AND I HAD TOGETHER WAS NOT A ROMANCE IT WAS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE WITH JUST A DASH OF BISEXUAL CURIOSITY MIXED IN!

Bulma and Trunks:…..

Trunks: Then who is my real mother?

Vegeta: I honestly can't remember, I've tapped a lot of people in my day.

Trunks: I want a genetic test to tell me who it is!

Vegeta: One step at a time, first we need to get rid of that bun in your oven. (Vegeta puts on a rubber glove and reaches towards Trunks) This may hurt a bit.

Trunks:Stop! Isn't there some other way to handle this? I mean, I've always kind of wanted to be a mother…

Bulma: This fanfiction is so F disturbing.

Vegeta: But the publicity is going to be terrible if the press finds out that my son is having a child at such a young age!

Bulma: But what about your friend Piccolo, those Namekians in the hood or whatever they call it are always getting into situations like this. Why don't you ask for his help.

Vegeta: I have to go associate with those GREEN PEOPLE!? Not to mention the fact that it's filthy in the ghetto or whatever they call it.

(LATER IN THE NAMEKIAN GHETTO)

Vegeta: (Sees a Namekian child smoking a pipe on a street corner) Dear God, how will I ever survive in this disgusting place?

Piccolo: Yo homie how it be hanging wit ya'll?

Vegeta: No I am not a homosexual you sun screen challenged…ho or whatever you are.

Piccolo: da p man ain't got no hoes my saiyan swinga.

Vegeta: We are not talking about swing sets here; I'm here to ask about some help with the family cat who managed to get himself pregnant.

Piccolo: yo be talking bout' the T man?

Vegeta: I really don't know if he's been drinking Tea recently.

Piccolo:… Whateva, so what could I do bout this yo.

Vegeta: Could you speak the King Vegeta's English please?

Piccolo: They only be one king in this ghetto and that be my old man Kamiiiiii saaaaaaaan! HOLLA!

Vegeta: It's not even Kwanza yet so just shut up and help my cat!

Piccolo: (Clears throat) OK, but I'll need to spend one year with Trunks out in the woods all by ourselves before I can…. Help him.

Vegeta: Well now we know why Gohan is so gay.

Piccolo: Gohan was tough to break.

Vegeta: I could be tough with you too. (BOW CHICKA BOW BOW)

Piccolo: I ain't inta guys ur age veggie man.

Piccolo: well round head da namek guys be getting' knocked up left n' right so we think dat it be good when a boy get a lotta pups in the litter, ya know what I be sayin'?

Vegeta: Something about hitting puppies with baseball bats?

Piccolo: No, but that is considered a very treasured pastime here in the ghetto.

Vegeta: YOU ARE NO HELP! What is it with you green people and your demented ways!?

Piccolo: But seriously, think about sending Trunks to the woods with me…It may not even take an entire year, I'll even bring prot-

(Vegeta storms out and slams door)

Piccolo: Those saiyans, always gotta find a way to keep the green man down.

Vegeta: (Out on the street) Well that was no help. But at least now I know why Piccolo is required by law to introduce himself to his neighbors.

Lance Bass: At last, we meet again my love.

Vegeta: WTF? OMG! Its dat homo HDHORNFDFN!!

Lance Bass: You denied me Vegeta, but now you shall see just how badly you have scorned my soul.

Vegeta: You made me talk in IM speak, prepare to die!

Lindsay Lohan: NOT SO FAST!

Vegeta: Ugh, it's that strange leprechaun that I defeated in becoming the Super Chugger, what does she want now?

Lindsay Lohan: You may have defeated me last time Vegeta, but in the past few months I have been training and I have now achieved the level of…

(The ground starts shaking as all of the bars and alcohol selling places gather around LL, LB, and Vegeta)

Vegeta: NO IT CAN'T BE--

Lindsay Lohan: That's right, I have finally reached the level of….

SUPER CHUGGER LEVEL 2!

Britney Spears: And I have managed to-

(Vegeta blows her up)

Vegeta: WE ARE NOT LETTING THAT FAT HARLOT INTO THIS FANFIC! Besides, she took away all of the famous magazine covers that used to be reserved for my beautiful face.

Lance Bass:…

Vegeta: Oh… Right, and I must defeat you as well Lindsay Lohan! No one shall ever defeat me at anything! I was even forced to kill that 75 year old man at the park when he defeated me at chess.

Lindsay Lohan: But I have other tricks up my sleeve Vegeta… (Lindsay Lohan starts grunting and groaning as Vegeta stares on in disbelief.)

Vegeta: Her-Her alcohol level- IT'S OVER 9,000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000,0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000!!

Lindsay Lohan: This is the end VEGETA! (We hear a very nasty sound coming up Lindsay's throat) SUPREME HANGOVER ACID PUKE ATTACK!

(Spews acid barf on our hero…villain….well, whatever the hell Vegeta is….)

(Meanwhile several blocks away, Gohan was taking Goku out for his daily leash walk when they spotted Vegeta in need….)

(Also meanwhile, Our estranged mother Trunks stands at the doorstep of Goten's home, unaware of how to tell his Sandwich sharing partner of what has happened.)

(Door Opens)

Goten: Hi Trunks, what's wrong?

Trunks: Goten, I wasn't kidding when I told you that I was pregnant…

Goten: But-Trunks, the point is that I can't be the baby daddy, I ain't shared no food wit you for over 6 months!

Trunks: Stop talking like those people on NTV (Namekian Television) and listen to me! I would never share food with anyone else Goten! You have to believe me!

Goten: I can't listen to this, I can't be with no ho! (Slams door)

Trunks: But…Then who is the father of my child!? And who is my real mother?!

Questions that will hopefully be answered in the next chapter:

Will Vegeta survive his latest fight to the death?

Will Trunks discover who the father of his child is?

Will Trunks discover who his real mother is?

Will Vegeta ever be able to understand what Piccolo is saying?

Will the author ever getting around to writing chapter 10!?

Will these questions never stop!?

Will Vegeta and Ben finally pick out a name for their new child?

Will the rest of the P.E.N.I.S. Organization ever show their true powers?

Find out in CHAPTER TEN