Edward stared at his computer screen. The words were not coming. Today his notes were not translating into scintillating prose, he had complete and utter writer's block. He reread the 500 words he had already written and then erased them. It was no use. He decided he needed to get some coffee. Edward knew the fact he was procrastinating meant he would probably do anything today rather than sit and finish his article, deadline or no deadline. At that point there was a soft knock on his office door, which opened slightly and Alex's head appeared. Edward had not even heard his foster son come in after his therapy session. Edward's calendar was a multi-coloured array of time blocks detailing everyone's schedules. Alex and he were home alone this evening. Normally Alex phoned for pizza at these times, leaving Edward to eat and work undisturbed in his office. Alex coughed to get the journalist's attention.
"Umm.. Edward.. sorry to disturb you but can we talk?" Alex had the familiar tense and poised body language that Edward interpreted that Alex needed to talk but actually did not want to. The young man had been less than forthcoming with his new therapist.
"Sure Alex. I'm not being very productive at the moment and was about to take a break." At this Edward stood up and limped to the kitchen. His prolonged inactivity had made his left leg stiffen up annoyingly.
In the kitchen it took seconds to put the battered aluminium espresso pot that Edward had owned since his early twenties on the stove to percolate. Very strong coffee was a particular weakness, one he shared with his foster son on the few occasions they bonded. Edward had kept detailed notes in his own personal shorthand about Alex's misadventures, not that he thought any cryptologist would take more than a couple of hours to break his scribbles.
Edward let Alex relax and find his words. It wasn't until the two small cups of thick black italian coffee steamed in front of them did the blond boy actually speak.
"When do you know if you're in love?.. I mean whats the difference between attraction, obsession and something more, you know deeper?"
"I guess when you go beyond just physical or you have trust, attraction and desire. Deeper than friendship. I could not imagine life without Liz now. She is my best friend, the best lover I've ever had and we have a wonderful family together."
Alex pondered on all this. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way and its not a bad reflection on Sabina, but... I've been questioning my sexuality. It might be a phase or just experimentation. I don't know. I'm frightened of stepping beyond just being friends with a guy I met. I like girls. I guess I'm bi, or just having a curious moment. Is it worth getting burned? I'm so jaded, being closed off emotionally is a safer option. I do not want to give anyone and this is me at my paranoid worst, any ammunition to hurt me. This guy, Steve, is cool. I know he swings a bit both ways. I'm unsure whether I want him or just the idea of not being so alone. Oh and I refuse to tell my shrink anything. I just can't talk to anyone that will blab to them... those bastards who are trying to control my life."
"Wow, Alex. I think I might have to break that all down into bullet points." Edward looked at Alex. This had been the reason for Alex's wild mood since before Christmas. His foster son was suffering from teen angst compounded by his compete lack of faith in the world in general. Edward could curse each and everyone of the adults who had lied, used, neglected and abused Alex. At fifteen Edward himself had a self obsessed nerd. Alex was as detached as an assassin, afraid and mistrusting of himself or anyone else.
"Right Alex, to fall in love you have to trust and have the trust returned. If you think you are bi or gay. Experiment. I've always been 100% into women, but you can only find out what works for you by trying. You will get burnt along the way. Get your heart broken. Its a learning curve. You will just click with the right person. A good relationship is worth pursuing. Having sex? Well Alex you are 15 nearly 16. I know I was sexually active at that age. Fooling around not actual sex. I fucked for the first time at 17. It was not great. Too short, I was drunk. The girl was fast and loose. It was just sex. Some people save themselves for their first love. Its up to you. Does this Steve like you back?"
"I think so. I hope so. I want to try for something more. I think its worth the chance. I may get my heart broken but at the moment its just my pride. I'd rather have fun. Love would be great but I want enjoyment and comfort. I don't want the crushing loneliness anymore. I like the game of sexual attraction. Does that make me a slut in the making?"
"Hardly, Alex. This Steve has been hanging around for over a month. He's interested. Call him arrange a date. I'll smooth things over with Liz. She's a sucker for young love." Edward looked intently as he watched the cogs move in Alex's brain. "Alex, if its a choice between love and those people outside. Live your life for yourself. Don't make decisions based on keeping everyone safe. The only person you should be worried about is number one. Fall in love then worry about number two. Liz, Sabina and I, we are OK. Don't lose yourself on our account."
"I would sacrifice everything for you guys. You have a little bit of perfection. I still feel like a spectator on the outside. All too late for me. I guess I grew up and did not notice. I only pretend to be a kid at school. The guys annoy me. The girls are all to into themselves and stuff that is totally stupid. Sabina is a million times more mature than anyone in my year. I have more in common with you and Liz than anyone at school, teachers included." Alex lay his head on the table. The cool surface pleasant on his cheek. "Steve is different. I like the fact he's mysterious and fascinating. I want to know him." Alex let out a deep breath. "I think push will come to shove with Clare. Thanks for talking Edward."
"Glad I could be of help." Edward had played out his role of surrogate dad. He got the feeling it won't be long before the young man before him headed for pastures new. The thought frightened the journalist, but children leaving the nest was inevitable. Alex was not a child by any measure.
Alex played nice for the next week until the calm normal atmosphere at home and school really got to him. Alex had been surprised Clare had not called him to account for his conversation with Edward, maybe she had bigger fish to fry. All in all Alex was not the be all and end all of the espionage world. He had all but outgrown his usefulness as a teen spy and a rebellious and difficult underage agent was not needed. He came to an internal decision as he sat after baseball practice. A swift touch of buttons and he called Stephan.
"Hi...its Alex. I was wondering if we could met up or something."
"Hello, I'm sorry I haven't been in touch but I'm still in New York at the moment and due in Toronto tomorrow morning. I can sent a plane would you like to meet for brunch?"
"A plane?"
"Yes I'll get a flight arranged from Palo Alta Airport. My assistant will text you the details. I'll see you tomorrow morning."
With that the phone went dead.
