AN: Well, it's been a while. I spent a few weeks thinking of deleting this fic because of the hate the last chapter got. Those of you who can't deal with angst I apologize because if you go look at any of my other fics you will find that they also have angst. I have a tendency to lean towards it. That's just me. SO, if you cannot deal with angst I suggest you go find another fluffy fic. This one will get there but not yet. During the time I spent away from this fic I also dwelled on the comment from the guest who called me a useless writer you are completely entitled to you're opinion. But according to my other SUCCESSFUL fics that I'm not. But anywho! Those of you who are still here. I appreciate it so much. You all mean the world to me. Now without any further interruption. I hope you guys enjoy.
Hold Me or Leave Me
Chapter Nine
(Beca P.O.V.)
The hard wood cabinets are no longer cold against my back. The feeling of tightness on my cheeks due to the unwiped tear streaks doesn't bother me anymore. The empty bourbon bottle beside me doesn't worry me, the bottle was nearly empty anyway the effects of the alcohol are long gone. The tiny pieces of paper strewn across the floor at my feet were almost forgotten until my eyes fell to the small white squares. Lolling my head to the side I rest my head against the cabinet door. The tears stopped hours ago but I can't bring myself to move from this corner in the kitchen. After my fight with Chloe I hid in my basement studio for a few hours trying to work on a mix or something to take my mind off of Chloe. Chloe leaving me. Chloe crying. Crying because of me. I screw my eyes shut and rub the heels of my hands against my eyes in hopes to erase that image from my brain. From the angle I'm sitting in I can see the sun starting to peek over the horizon just outside the kitchen door letting me know it's close to 6:00am. My eyes sweep over the kitchen taking in the entire room. A wine glass sits on the far end of the kitchen island next to a half empty bottle of Yellow Tail Moscato. One corner of my mouth twitches in an attempt to smile at the memories of being back at Bardon with a drunk dancing Chloe clutching a wine bottle in her grasp float through my mind. Happiness floods my brain, but I quickly tamp it down. You sent her away. This is all your fault Mitchell. Get off your ass and live your life.
I know I should get up. But what's the point. No one can see me moping around. Suffer in silence, right? My brain finally decides to quiet down. I revel in the quiet before my phone vibrating against the tile pulls me back to reality. I jump slightly at the sudden sound. Chancing a glance down at the phone screen my heart clenches just a bit. I tear my eyes away from the screen quickly to avoid looking at the contact picture I have set for Chloe. It was from yesterday when we went on our LA sight seeing trip. Chloe had been enamored by the view from where she sat on the roll bars of my Jeep. She was wonderstruck. She truly looked like she belonged in LA. I couldn't resist not taking a picture. Chloe was sat on the back roll bar and her elbows were rested on the roll bar in the front. One elbow was bent up, so her fist could support her chin. Her hair was flowing lightly in the slight breeze and the light pink and purple hues from the setting sun in thesky created the perfect background. A small content smile rested on her lips and her sunglasses were pushed back on her head. I would swear on anything that in that moment the clearest, bluest waters had nothing on the sparkle in her eyes in that picture. When the buzzing beside me subsides, I look back down at my phone. Chlo: Missed Call (4) Chlo: iMessage (5). Part of me takes relief in the fact she hasn't left a voicemail yet. She must've just landed back home. I can only assume that each call is letting me know she is landing somewhere or taking off to go somewhere. After locking my phone screen, I push myself up off the ground to finally stand after staying huddled in that corner for a few hours. I relish in the pop and crack of my joints releasing the achiness. I can feel an internal switch flip as the thought of a project waiting for me at work enters my mind. Now that Chloe is gone I can get back to work and finish the album with Halsey. I make my way from the kitchen and up the steps towards my room. I run through the things that still need to be accomplished to get the album out by next week. Originally, it isn't supped to be done for three weeks but I need a decent distraction. My body and mind switch to auto piolet. Unlocking my phone, I scroll through my contacts to find the one person I need their help with on this project. Putting my phone on speaker I make my way back to my room. On the second ring a heavy breathing voice filters through the line.
"Hey Bec? You're up early." I have grown accustom to the heavy panting on the other line at this time in the morning.
"Hey, look can you meet me at the studio as soon as possible. I know we're both off this week, but I think we should get a jump on this Halsey album?" I make my way to the bathroom and put my phone on the sink to pull off my clothes to get in the shower.
"Yeah, sure. *grunt* Is Chloe coming or is she hanging at the house by herself today?" My movements slightly falter at her name, but I quickly fall back into my movement and process of getting ready.
"No, she left. Alright we'll I'm getting in the shower. Meet you about…" I tap my phone screen to illuminate it so I can check the time. "eight thirty, nineish?" The other end of the line has gone quiet. I wait a few seconds for any noise. "Mason? Did you pass out? I get you're in the military, but you don't have super human strength. Whatever finish up at the gym and meet me at work." I hear the clank of bar bells hitting their rack and a heavy sigh.
"What do you mean Chloe left? Is everything okay?" Rolling my eyes, I deflect the question.
"I'm getting in the shower. Oh, get Ava to see if Halsey can come in around noon. I want her to take a check on that track from the other day. See you at work." I hang up before I'm interrogated any further. With a heavy sigh I lock my phone once again and brace myself on the counter. My eyes fall closed just for a second and they spring back open. I scrub my face with my hands. I let the messy bun from my hair and finish getting undressed. Hopping in the shower I let my mind wander the thousands of beats and rhythms I can use to set this album as the greatest. I wash quickly and hop out. After wrapping up in a towel I make my way to my closet. I ponder my options. Observing my options my eyes keep falling to the deep maroon leather jacket hanging in the corner. I pull it out and toss it on my bed. I also grab a pair of black skinny jeans. Walking over to my chest of drawers I pull out a plain white t-shirt. I lay it all out of the bed and look at it for a second. Once I deem it good enough I dry my body and put on the outfit. I quickly make my way to the bathroom to dry my hair before it leaves wet marks on the back of my shirt. After blow drying my hair I open one of the drawers and pull out a pack of bobby pins. Had this been a few years back I probably would've never known how to use these. Thanks to the Bella's my style and fashion has changed and I'm completely okay with that. For example, freshman me would've thrown on anything black and tossed my hair in a bun and called it a day. I cringe at the afternoons spent in my attic room with Stacie as she tried to teach me about fashion.
I shake the memory from my head and pull the hair on the left side of my head around the back and to the right. With a after twisting my hair I push a few bobby pins in to get it to stay. I spray hair spray on the left side of my hair to slick down any stray hairs. Grabbing the can of hair mousse to my right I put some in my hand and create curls on the side of my head with the hair. After deciding its as good as it going to get. I apply light make up and walk back into my room. I slip on the leather jacket and slightly hesitate before grabbing the black suede heels from the bottom of my closet. After giving myself a once over I grab my phone and head down stairs. I walk into the kitchen and go to the cabinet that holds the coffee mugs. Opening the door my hand automatically goes for the one Chloe sent me, but I stop myself. Pushing that one to the side I grab the stainless-steel coffee mug and shut the cabinet. I put it under the spout of the Keurig and push start. Soon the aroma of strong coffee takes over my senses. Dropping my heels down to the floor I finally step into them. I grab my coffee cup and make my way out of the front door. Getting into the black Range Rover I plug my phone up to charge. The drive to work is done on auto piolet just like the rest of my actions from the morning. I pull into my designated parking spot in the parking garage next to the studio. Grabbing my phone from the cup holder I check the time. 8:37am. With a shrug of the shoulder I take my phone off charge, grab my coffee cup and pull my keys from the ignition. After locking the vehicle, I make my way across the street to the studio. Of course, I get a few weird looks from some of the other staff because the majority know I had the week off. At least they have the decency to not ask why I'm back to work so soon. Thankfully I make it to my office with out having to talk to anyone. I put my coffee cup on my desk and plop down in the rolling chair. Knowing that Mason is partial to showing up at the last minute I let out a shaky breath I had no idea I had been holding. Taking hold of the steel mug, I take a long sip of coffee. My eyes flutter closed with appreciation as the caffeine and warmth fill my body. Once again, I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket. With a hunch about who it is I pull it from my packet and look at the screen. Chlo: iMessage. My thumb hovers over the home button as I debate on opening the message or just leaving it. Just as I give in my office door swings open. I drop my phone on my desk like I just got caught doing something I shouldn't. My eyes snap up to the door and my shoulders relax.
Mason walks into my office. A small smile falls on my face as he gives me a cheesy grin. "Morning handsome." I shake my head at his choice of words, but my smile only grows bigger.
"Morning beautiful." A light chuckle comes from him with my remark. I watch as he places his coffee cup on my desk and takes off his light brown tweed jacket and hangs it on one of the chairs. Mason straightens out his navy blue button up with white polka-dots on it then pulls his phone from his dark wash jeans before rounding my desk and sitting on the corner beside me.
"Okay so, Halsey will be in about noon thirty." I curl my lips inward to keep the small laugh forming from coming out. Mason flicks his wrist and looks down at his wood grain watch. "So that leaves us a few hours for you to tell me why Chloe left." My smile quickly falls along with my eyes to land on something other than Mason. "Beca…" The pleading sound in his voice goes straight to my heart but I push it away. My eyes fall to my Mac laptop on my desk and I flip it open.
"Or… we can actually do work for once." I lace sarcasm in my tone in hopes to throw him off, but I can still feel him staring at me. I open my iTunes and start going through files trying to get to my mixes for the album not budging any with him. I hear a slight groan to my left then I feel a pat on the shoulder.
"Okay." I give Mason a sideways glance before looking back at the laptop screen.
"Thank you." I know this isn't the end of this conversation but I'm happy he let me put a pin in it for now. Turning my laptop slightly I make sure Mason can see the screen clicking on Track One we fall into a good rhythm of going through the tracks and making last minute tweaks to make it perfect. We fall into a working system listening to the tracks and both of us giving input. Time quickly slips by as we dig deeper into the tracks. I nearly jump out of my skin when a knock raps against my door. My eyes flick from the computer screen to the door then to Mason who is leaning back in the chair he pulled around about an hour ago. "Come in." After standing from my chair I slap Mason's arm and he stands up too. The door opens and Halsey walks in smiling with my assistant Ava. Before Ava can speak Halsey cuts her off.
"Please tell me you worked your Mitchell magic?" Halsey sends me a toothy grin and I simply return it.
"Don't I always? We were just going over it once more." I notice Halsey starting in the direction of me, so I quickly round my desk. She wraps me in a hug and I give her one in return.
"It's good to see you Beca." We separate and as she goes to give Mason a hug too I close my laptop on the desk.
"You too. Now do you want to go try a track?" Halsey nearly starts jumping up and down at the offer.
"Dude! Like now!" A small chuckle comes from me and Mason rounds the desk and starts down the hallway. We follow him, but we break into our own conversation about the ideas we both have for the album. Once we get to an empty studio I find a spot at the mixing deck and Halsey makes quick work of getting in the booth. After taking a few minutes to que up the music for the tracks I turn on the mic.
"Alright. Where do you want to start?" I watch as she goes through a folder that I assume is what is holding her sheet music. Once she finally picks a piece she puts the folder on the stool behind her and puts the selected piece on the stand where she cans see it.
"Can we try Bad at Love?" After clicking a few buttons, I give her a thumbs up. As Halsey puts her head phones on I turn on the speakers, so we can hear her. She gives me a thumbs up and I start the track. I mute my mic, so she can't hear me. When a twitch of a smile flashes on Halsey's lips as she sings Mason comes to stand beside me and nudges his shoulder with mine.
"Mitchell Magic?" A rumble of a laugh comes from Mason and I shoot him a glare. "You should trade mark that." I give him a hum as an answer and step up to the mixing deck. Placing my hands over the switches and knobs I close my eyes and let the music take over. I can feel the beat starting in my shoulders as the feeling of the bass pounding in my chest makes me smile. The lyrics work their way into my mind and I find myself humming the melody as I start sliding buttons up and down to get the desired tone. My fingers freeze and my eyes snap open as the chorus hits.
Look, I don't mean to frustrate, but I
Always make the same mistakes, yeah I
Always make the same mistakes 'cause
I'm bad at love (ooh-ooh)
But you can't blame me for tryin'
You know I'd be lyin' sayin'
You were the one (ooh-ooh)
That could finally fix me
Lookin' at my history
I'm bad at love
My eyes snap up to Halsey in the booth. She has her eyes closed as she gives it her all. Then I turn my head slightly and see Mason looking down at his phone. I push the feeling of my heart constricting in my chest away and focus on the sound board again. The more heart Halsey put into this song the more my emotions range. Her lyrics remind me of Chloe. How everyone always found a reason to walk away but Chloe found reasons to stay. She fought an uphill battle with me trying to get in. I couldn't tell you when I realized that Chloe had wiggled her way around all of my walls and barricades, but she managed to. Just one day she was there and for some reason I was okay with it. It could've been her personality or the way she didn't push me to talk to her. Maybe it was the way she confidently barged into my shower my freshman year of collage and demanded me to sing with her. Well, I guess after a thing like that it's hard not to bond. Chloe saw something in me that no one else did. Maybe it was that I was worth more than what I believed. She made me believe that I was so much more than just an alt girl glued to her laptop with a pair of headphones on her head. Truthfully, I know I wouldn't have made it this far with out Chloe. She has become such this huge presence in my life and I went and messed it up by pushing her away.
Memories of last night flow through my head. Memories that feature Chloe's heart broken face. God, why am I such a fuck up. I ruined everything. I need to talk to Chloe. I need… A drop of water hitting my hand pulls me back to reality. On instinct I look up at the ceiling expecting a leak but there is nothing there.
"Becs?" It's only now that I realize that the track has finished, and I have two sets of eyes on me. When I feel Mason's hand rest against my shoulder I nearly jump out of my skin. I turn to face him and his face is slightly blurry.
"What?" He gives me a lopsided sad smile. He moves his hand from my shoulder to my cheek. He brushes his thumb across my cheek and I blink letting a tear slip down my cheek. It's only now that I realize that I had been crying. Stepping away from Mason I turn around and wipe my cheeks. I curse myself for crying again.
"Is she okay?" My head jerks in the direction of the voice and my eyes land on Halsey who is making her way out of the booth with a concerned look on her face.
"No, yeah I'm fine. It's just…" I turn around completely to face Halsey and Mason. "You're song. It's really amazing." Mason quirks an eyebrow and Halsey hums, neither of them believing that was really the reason. Halsey comes to stand in front of the mixing deck leaning against it. I let out a low groan when I realize neither of them are going to let me get away with this. Taking a deep breath, I narrow my eyes at Halsey as Mason keeps an expression of concern on his face from where he's sitting in the rolling chair. "It's just… that song reminded me of someone I love… Who I pushed away. Ruined everything. Eight years of friendship down the drain." I let out a humorless laugh. Halsey nods her head in understanding as she pushes herself off of the mixing deck and readjusts the nobs.
"So, you're swimming in your head a bit?" I move to stand next to her.
"Yeah I guess. I think I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact I'm in love with this person. That after all these years it just hit me. That she just means so much to me…" I absentmindedly start toying with the small ring on my thumb. "But she left last night and I think I pushed her away too hard this time." I can feel the familiar sting of tears in the back of my eyes. Lifting my eyes from my thumb ring I meet Halsey's eyes and she has a sad smile on her face.
"You know what helps me?" I shrug my shoulders in answer and Halsey hands me the rose gold Wireless Studio Beats Headphones that are hanging around her neck. "Go let it out. Pretty sure Mason will help me out here." I look between Mason and Halsey. Mason is standing from his chair with a look that says go and Halsey has an understanding expression on her face. My eyes fall back down on to the headphones then to the booth. "Go." My eyes snap back to Halsey and I take the headphones. When I look back at Mason he's nodding his head encouraging me. With a deep breath I make my way into the booth and situate myself in front of the mic. I glance at the sheet music to my left and put on the headphones.
"All good." Mason gives me a thumbs up and the sound of the track fills my ears. I go through the whole song putting all of my emotion into it. Trying to let everything out. Every single emotion. Every single memory that features Chloe. The happy. The sad. Everything. Because the further my mind travels the aspect of loving Chloe the more I realize it didn't just happen. It was an epiphany. It's been building for a long time. All it took was a whisper and everything finally fell into place. That Chloe is it. She's the one.
When the song comes to a close I open my eyes that fell closed as I was getting into the song. The first thing I see is Halsey standing on the other side of the sound booth glass with a big smile on her face. Then my eyes flick to Mason who has a small sad smile of knowing on his face. After taking the headphones off I hand them on the mic. As I walk out of the booth I do feel like a weight has lifted off of my shoulders. Just as I open my mouth to thank Halsey for the idea she cuts me off.
"You're recording that song with me." My mouth goes from being slightly agape to a complete jaw drop.
"What?" Halsey looks in between Mason and I and her smile grows bigger.
"Yes, you are going to be featured on my song Bad at Love, track eleven on my album." My eyes frantically flick between Halsey and Mason.
"No. It's you're track. You're song. I… No." Halsey cocks an eyebrow and crosses her arms.
"Exactly. It's my song. So, I'm saying you're singing it with me." Just as I open my mouth to protest she raises a hand effectively cutting me off. "Mitchell, when you we're singing that song you made me want to go home and call my ex to work things out. And he's a dick. You have the heart for this song. Please. If not for me. Do it for you. Let your feelings be heard. You have this amazing voice. It carries all this emotion. People will relate to it. Or do it for me. Because I'm your boss, technically." I will my brain to form words but nothing happens. My eyes fall to Mason who has a shit eating grin on his face.
"She'll do it." Halsey looks over to Mason and my eyebrows shoot up and nearly disappear into my hair line.
"What?" Coming from me and "Great!" coming from Halsey come out at the same time. Mason meets my eyes and he walks to stand in front of me then places his hands on my shoulders.
"Beca. You suck with words. You always use your music as a form of communication. When Brody cheated on you, you made me playlists to tell me how you were feeling because the words wouldn't line up right. Maybe this is how you tell Chloe how you really feel." My eyes go wide now and Mason must read my mind because he beats me to the question. "I know it's Chloe because the you are about as subtle as a bull in a china shop when it comes to her. Just try Mitchell. You'll thank me one day." I take a moment and weigh Mason's words. He does have a point. I inhale a shaky breath and face Halsey.
"Okay." Her arms drop and she lets out a small squeal.
"Really?" I nod to confirm "Oh my god yes!" She wraps me in a hug and I start to regret the decision already.
