Chapter Eight

The Consequences

I dreamed of my parents. Of home. Of waking up in the morning in a nice warm bed with the sun streaming through my window and stumbling down the stairs to the kitchen where my mother was making breakfast, humming a song to herself and ready to greet me with a smile and sweet alto voice.

It was a perfectly peaceful dream, normal in every aspect. But when I awoke from it, feeling physically rested but still mentally exhausted, my sense of smell barraged by the scent of blood and my body aching with healing wounds, I began to seriously reconsider my decision to stay in the city of the dead.

Then I felt the Hunter stir against me in his sleep, his powerful arms still clutching me to his much larger body somewhat stiflingly, and I remembered with renewed determination why I was still there.

He needed me.

Although seriously, he really didn't need to hold me as tight as he was. Annoyed, I squirmed in his grip, pulling the arm not pinned underneath him around to squeeze in between us, trying to work my way free or at least win a little extra breathing space. The last time we had slept this close was during my initial breakdown, and the cold floor and extra clothing and collapsing mental state had made it so I hadn't noticed that his body radiated heat like a furnace. I certainly noticed it now. His body heat was keeping me warmer than any blanket or sleeping bag could, and it also wasn't helping that my face was burning in embarrassment at noticing that one of his hands had strayed a little too low down my side for my liking. That, and this was only the second time I could remember sleeping this close to another person.

After a few fruitless minutes, I realized I wasn't going to be making much headway as it was. There wasn't much a below-average height and weight college freshman could do against a creature who could rip apart a grown man in less than a minute. Resignedly, I stopped my efforts, my cheek pressed up against his bloody chest, eyes narrowly staring straight ahead into the darkness.

How in the hell I had gotten myself into such a situation? In about a week, I'd gone from being a reckless, determined, zombie-killing scout and group leader to being locked in a Hunter's sleeping embrace in a safe room six blocks away from liberation I wasn't planning on taking. Why did the world not want to make sense anymore?

The Hunter shifted in his sleeping, twitching against some unknown dream before heaving a deep breath and settling again. My free hand worked its way out from between us and slid back around his side, lazily drawing circles into his back while my tired mind attempted to find something to focus on until he woke up and released me. It would probably be saner for me to wake him up straight out, but a part of me was hesitant.

Of course you're hesitant. Don't you wonder what he thinks of you now, Eden? Especially after he saw you choose staying with him over saving your own ass? Especially after you've showered him, fed him, cared for his injuries, let him sleep next to you…

The sudden thoughts brought a lump to my throat that choked me. I drew my free arm away from him, suddenly unsure of where to put it. No. No, I sure as hell did not want to know what he thought of me after all this, not now that I was thinking about it. Good lord, what did he think of me after all that had happened the past week? What sort of god-awful impression had I given him? Did I really even have to wonder? I was terrified to think that I already knew the disturbing answer and horrified that a part of me actually kind of liked the thought of it.

Oh this is not good. You should have gone to that evac site and left him in the dust like any sane person would have.

Was it really that bad to stay with him, though? I draped my sore arm over his side, reaching down to rub the smooth outside of the sleeping bags we were lying on to give my fingers something to do. Sure, he had claws and couldn't talk, but he was lacking the terrible boils and bumps the others of his kind sported. He could almost pass as a normal person despite the skin tone and claws and eyes and staggering inhuman abilities…

Are you seriously considering what I think you're considering, Eden? Seriously?

Well, why not? His mind was human. Mostly. So very, very human despite all the human actions and movements he had forgotten and neglected and was now relearning through me. But the part that mattered was human. It was that part that had unselfishly sacrificed his own desires to let me go to the evac site, even though he knew the consequences for letting me do so, even though it had been so obviously distressing. It was the part that had consented to let me care for him even when it was humiliating. It was the same part that made him even able to feel an emotion like humiliation in the first place.

That's what really mattered. Wasn't it?

Eden. Think about this. What do you know really know about him? Oh, that's right, nothing. For all you know, he could have been some crazy chainsaw murderer in his old life. Think about it! You don't even know his name.

My mind was starting to reel again. I labored for breath with every new thought. All right, so I didn't know his name. I was too scared to ask. But something would make it all work out. Besides, what's in a name anyway? It was just a word.

Oh for the…he's a Hunter for hell's sake. You remember what that is, don't you? Don't you remember what he tried to do to you when you first met? He was trying to kill you. He was ripping you apart until you let your insanity get the best of you and you stunned him enough to make him spare your miserable life. How many survivors haven't been as lucky? How many have met death at his claws?

So what? It had been self-defense. I had killed hundreds of his kind in self-defense. He was merely taking out any threats to his life like any other creature would do in such a situation. There wasn't anything really wrong with that…

You don't get it, do you, you stupid girl? The virus makes them want to attack survivors! Have you not considered the fact that your very presence might be driving him even more insane, trying to keep himself from attacking you? Haven't you considered the fact that because of it, he might turn on you if pressed too hard?

I…

Why are you trying to reason this out? Why do you want this so badly that you're letting yourself compromise your own thoughts, your beliefs, your very character?

You've been away from the other survivors for too long.

I was going to explode. Or at the very least be sick. The stench of dried blood and the pounding of my reeling thoughts were nauseating. Panicking, I restarted twisting out of the Hunter's grasp, pushing against his chest with all my feeble strength. It wasn't working. He was too deeply asleep, too powerfully built to wake up from my pathetic efforts. A hot, furious anger flushed through my body. My hand flung back in a wide arc before speeding through the darkness in the direction I thought his face was, carrying all the frenzied fury at myself and my infuriating thoughts in its blow.

It hit its mark with a loud slap that sent pins and needles through my hand. Immediately, the Hunter jolted awake, releasing his grip on me and stumbling to a crouch against the wall. I imagined his lips drawn back to reveal bloodied teeth, his pale eyes narrowed. He growled in hurt and confusion.

But I didn't care. I sat up gasping for breath, trying to keep down the bile rising in my throat. It wasn't working. Blindly, I fumbled for the flashlight, flicking it on almost at the same time I found it and hurrying to one of the industrial stainless steel sinks a few feet away. I barely had time to turn on the faucet before my body started heaving and my stomach emptied itself violently.

The sickness lasted for several long, agonizing minutes. Then suddenly I was in control again, only now shaking like crazy. Or perhaps I had always been shaking like an earthquake and just now noticed. I let the flashlight roll onto the small surface next to the sink and then shoved my hands under the freezing water, scrubbing furiously at the blood dried all over it. When that was done, I cupped my hands together and went at my face, scraping and scouring my skin until I was certain I had cleaned off every trace of the sticky red.

Then I stood there, leaning over the sink, my soaked hands shakily clutching at the edge. I stared downward in the near darkness, watching the water pour and sparkle in the bright beam of the flashlight. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to feel. Those feelings of mine were going to get me in more trouble than they already had me in. If that was even possible, considering. The thoughts that had plagued me while lying down now seemed so silly and immature. Embarrassing. How could I have even considered…

Something moved to my left. My eyes shifted their focus in that direction, narrowed and cold.

"Turn on the light."

There was a hesitation, and then the Hunter moved away into the darkness. After some tense moments of struggling and an angry growl, there was a click and the light flooded the room.

Blinking, I wiped a wet hand across my eyes, looking around as the Hunter returned to my side, his face wary and resentful. And still covered in blood.

"Get over here," I ordered, standing back from the sink and holding out my hand to him.

He looked like he had half a mind to disobey, still obviously smarting from being so rudely awoken, but he stepped forward into my grasp after a few moments of pause, perhaps sensing that I was not in the mood to play games. Trying not to look in his face, I grabbed his large hands and thrust them under the running water, rubbing as much of the dried blood off as I could before I grabbed the front of his shirt and forced him to bend over as close to the faucet as possible so I could try to rub off the blood caked on his face. Indignantly, he struggled and fidgeted in the uncomfortable position, snapping his teeth at my hands as I passed them over his lips.

"Cut it out," I snapped, glaring. He stared up at me sideways, his face twisted into a scowl. "Don't you dare give me that look. Do you want to get slapped again?"

The Hunter continued to glower at me for several moments more, teeth bared ever so slightly, before grudgingly lowering his gaze and turning his face away to let me continue. A few minutes later and I had done all I could. I released my hold on him and he stood stiffly, slinking away several feet to watch me while I rinsed off. When I turned to face him at last, his pale eyes were narrowed in resentfulness and a vague, hurt sense of confusion.

Seeing that emotion made guilt tighten my chest.

I inhaled deeply through my nose and brought a shaking, soaking hand to my forehead to massage my temples. I tried to sort through the jumble of thoughts and emotions that could not be washed away as easily as the blood. What the hell was I doing? Why was I taking out all my frustration at myself on him? It wasn't his fault that my mind was so messed up I couldn't even see straight. I had been the one to make this choice. The damning thoughts that fueled my doubt and anger were mine and mine alone.

"Sorry," I mumbled. My hand dropped and I turned to grasp the sink again, staring at the water as it swirled lazily down the drain. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be acting like this. I shouldn't be treating you like that. Not after…everything."

Out of the corner of my eye, the Hunter hesitantly moved closer, testing to see if I was still in a disagreeable mood or if I would do something else not very pleasant to him. Grudgingly, but feeling like I owed it to him, I turned around to face him, leaning up against the edge of the sink, still clutching it for support and the sake of something to do with my hands. He paused for a moment at my movement, but when I just stood there, he came closer until he stopped directly in front of me, his pale eyes looking down into mine, searching my face for something he wanted to find but wasn't sure was there. The resentment at my inconsiderate treatment and at the slap was fading now, warping into something different and unfamiliar. I frowned, trying to figure out this new emotion.

Hesitantly, the Hunter gently brushed against the side of my face. His feet shuffled closer and leaned down. I about lost the last of my stomach then and there. He pressed his cheek against mine, angling his head towards my hair. My entire body froze. He breathed deeply, as if trying to memorize my scent. My breath, meanwhile, was caught somewhere between my lungs and my throat. I couldn't tell because my mind had started spinning again. There was a buzzing in my head and ears that made it difficult to register any solid thought or decision as to how the hell I was supposed to react to something I should have seen coming, but was still utterly stunned by.

I stared straight ahead over his shoulder. His breath moved onto my neck. My eyes weren't really seeing, my brain and heart torn between two completely opposing sides that had risen up out of nowhere, fighting for attention and control.

What was he doing?

Well, that's obvious.

What was I doing?

His clawed hands slid hesitantly around my waist. My heart sped up in response.

I suddenly, very clearly knew just exactly what he thought of me.

Isn't that what you wanted?

My hands shot down to grab his forearms before he ventured too far, firmly pushing them down to his side. I turned my head in the opposite direction from his, breaking off the uncomfortable touch, and leaned my torso away as I took a step to the side on stiff, lead-filled legs. When I chanced to look back at him, my gaze steady and stern, my heart pounded uncontrollably and the inner voice in my head sneered.

"No."

He looked at me, innocent confusion edging his gaze.

"That's not why I…" My words caught. Frustrated, I merely shook my head, gaze locked on his to make sure I got the point across. I released my grip on his arms and brushed past him to go inspect the pile of supplies left behind underneath the note. Just like the last safe house. Only this time would be the last.

Shakily, I pulled out a few cans of various food items and looked around for a can opener and some utensils. I found them tucked away in a box on the same table. I could feel the Hunter's gaze on me as I popped a few of the cans open, then retrieved two fold-up chairs stacked in the corner and set them at the table.

"Sit down," I said, setting myself on the edge of one of the chairs and gesturing to the other. I kept my gaze focused on the food. "I'm hungry, so I bet you are too."

The Hunter didn't move.

After a few tense, silent moments, my gaze snapped up at him. He was still looking at me in uncertainty, his brow furrowed, lips turned down into a contemplative frown, like he was trying to figure something out. Seeing him confused as opposed to my being confused was strangely relieving. But also somewhat infuriating.

"Look," I said. "I'm sticking around because…because I just…" I paused again, struggling to find words that would be able to provide a decent explanation but wouldn't insult him or lead him into more of a misunderstanding. Eventually, I did what any other girl would have done in the same situation—I gave up and turned it on him. "You don't want me to leave, do you?"

The Hunter stared at me, his expression hardly changing, but after a few minutes he shook his head. Yet still he made no move to sit down.

Sighing, I kneaded my face with both hands.

"All right," I said at last, blinking up at him in a way that I knew made me look cross. "I'm staying with you because…well, you're my…my friend, okay? After everything that's happened the past week…I couldn't just leave you here alone in this city, and we both know that you wouldn't be able to come with me if I went to the evac site. We just have to take some time to figure stuff out, okay? Something that will benefit the both of us. And right now, the thing that's benefiting the both of us is sticking together. Besides…" My voice cracked. A ball of tears built pressure in the back of my throat for what seemed like no reason. I swallowed and pressed on. "Who's to say that whatever situation there is to evacuate is any better than the situation I'm in right now? For all I know, the entire world has gone to hell. Including…including my home."

Tears stung my eyes, and I brushed a hand across them in frustration. "Ugh, you must think I'm such a crybaby. I swear I've never cried this much in my entire life before we met. It's ridiculous."

He move towards me in my peripheral, and I turned to look at him, startled. He towered over me, and I was forced to crane my neck back to look up into his face, only to see that the confused expression was no longer there. Instead he looked…sad. He lifted a cautious hand and rested it gently on the top of my head. The familiar action almost startled me into heaving sobs. It took me a moment to figure out why.

That's what Akamu used to do to comfort Alicia. You miss your friends more than you realize.

I took a shaking, steadying breath and propped my elbow on the table, resting my cheek on my knuckles. A part of me wanted to start crying all over again, but I was tired of that. Spent. Exhaustion flooded through me, then, despite my earlier rest. This emotional turmoil crap was really wearing me down, and I hated it.

Sighing, I reached up and lifted his wrist off my forehead. I smiled. "It's all right. I'll be fine."

He growled, his eyebrows furrowed in disbelief, and I laughed. "Really. I'm not just saying that so you won't worry. Like I said yesterday, I just have to figure out what's going on in my head, and I guess crying like a baby is just my way of doing it. No more breakdowns from me though, okay? And no more slapping."

Still looking like he doubted my words on all counts, he sat down in the empty chair. I picked up a fork and an open can of ready to eat fruit, spearing a few chunks floating in the sugary syrup and holding it up to his mouth. He kept his lips shut, however, and merely reached over to touch my wrist, whimpering and then looking pointedly at the message on the wall.

I sighed and lowered the food. "Yeah, I miss my friends. And I miss my parents." My gaze dropped, but I couldn't bring myself to start crying again. A welcomed change, but tears had left an aching void where the emotions once were. "I miss them more than I've ever missed anything…but how can I face them like this? After everything I've done…everything I didn't do…and what if they aren't alive? What if the infection made it home and they were…were…"

He whined and I glanced up at him to see the same sad look on his face that was probably plastered all over mine. He understood. He knew. "I guess I'm just scared of what I'll find outside the city. Maybe everything is alright…but maybe it isn't. And I don't think I could handle it if it isn't. Maybe one day, but until then…I guess I may as well stick around, huh? Because, you know…friends don't leave friends behind. If they can avoid it."

A sudden pang of pain wracked his features. He turned away, as if trying to hide it, but once the look had gone, he seemed confused. I cast my gaze aside, feeling like a fool for saying such a sappy but obviously distressing line.

Had his friends also been survivors? Had he tried to get close to them after his Infection as he had tried with me? I wasn't sure I wanted to know. "Your friends…they left you behind. Didn't they?"

His gaze bored into my head. When I glanced up, he blinked and shook his head, not to disagree but as if to shake off the memories. It was all the answer I needed.

I raised the food to his mouth again. "It doesn't matter," I said. "I…I won't leave you."

The Hunter stared. I met his gaze, staring straight into his pale irises, willing him to see the truth of my dangerous promise. Behind his pale eyes, the same flurry of emotions and thoughts spinning through my own brain softened his gaze. But his seemed more distressed. More agonizing. Part of me wanted to know more. That vain, curious bit of my brain wanted to know everything that was hidden behind his gaze and inability to properly communicate. But I was too afraid to ask.

He opened his mouth, accepting the food waving in his face. I fed him the rest of the can, and then another two cans after before he was satisfied. Then I ate hurriedly, hungrily, unnerved that instead of sniffing around the room or reading the graffiti like he always had before, he sat and watched me. It made my appetite slightly less demanding and I felt full in only a few minutes.

As soon as I set the can down and sat back with a sigh, he whimpered until he got my attention, then pointed to the sleeping bags.

I smiled. "Still tired?"

He nodded, pointing to his cheek, the same one I had slapped.

"Oh right. I woke you up."

Another nod. Then he pointed to me and to the sleeping bags. I frowned, which made him growl hastily and hold his palms up as if trying to show he had no ill intentions. The move was so surprisingly human and one that I hadn't shown him that I grinned.

"Well, I guess I am still a little tired."

A faint ghost of a smile edged his features. He looked relieved that I hadn't interpreted his suggestion wrongly, considering what had happened earlier.

Ah. Yeah. Almost forgot about that. I wanted to forget it again. He clearly knew where the line was drawn between the two of us now. I hoped.

There's one thing you haven't thought of though.

The inner voice came out of nowhere, brought on by the Hunter's human actions and expressions. I didn't want to consider whatever it was I hadn't thought of yet. But I couldn't turn away from my own thoughts.

If it weren't for him, you wouldn't be in this situation. If he hadn't attacked you, you would have stayed with your friends.

If it weren't for him, you would never have been in this mess to begin with.

My gaze fell away from his face. I knew that. I'd known that for a long time.

But I couldn't change the past.

He whined curiously, worriedly, wondering if he had offended me somehow.

Then what about your future? You're so close…

Dizziness swirling in my head, I leaned over, planting my elbows on my knees and burying my forehead in my hands. I couldn't change the past. I knew he hadn't intended for this to happen, that it wasn't really his fault. And he had tried as hard as he could to make up for it. But then why did I feel so miserable? Why was I stuck on this sickening rollercoaster of shifting emotions and critical inner thoughts?

We needed to leave this place. And soon. Or something in me would break and I would start running, trying to escape to the place that represented all my survivor hopes and goals, the gateway to a life without an Infected freak of nature as my twenty-four seven companion.

If we didn't leave this place soon, I start running. And I would never stop.

"We need to get out of here," I breathed. "Far away. Anywhere. I don't care where. Just take me…somewhere. I can't sit still anymore."

I looked up at him to find him staring back at me with his unwavering pale eyes. When he saw that he had my attention, he nodded and stood up, offering his hand like I had done so many times to him. I took it.

We tried to get a few more hours of sleep to appease our tired bodies, although the majority of the time I laid there, wide awake, listening to his steady breathing. He had wanted to hold me while he slept, but I had told him not to—I didn't want him to get any more ideas. The incident from before still burned my cheeks red whenever I thought about it. I let him sleep closer to me, though, at least touching. He seemed satisfied enough with that.

As soon as it was morning, we gathered our things, turned off the light, and shut the door, leaving the safe house and the evac site six blocks down in our wake. I was leaving possibly the last chance I had of seeing my friends…and my family. The thought of my mother sent an aching in my chest so intense it hurt. I wanted to see her again, to hug her, to talk to her, tell her everything that had happened since I moved to the city with my childish dreams…all I had to do was turn around, go to the evac site…

I never looked back.