Mrs. Crowley's eyes crossed from one side of her face to the other. She stood on the landing. She leaned over the banister to her husband, making her cleavage as obvious as she possibly could.

Crowley took off his glasses. He flicked his tongue. She flicked hers back.

"I have mizzed thou, babe," she said.

Crowley smiled. "I – have – missed – YOU – babe," he corrected and replied at the same time.

"You always were clever," she simpered. She disappeared into the background of the first floor. Then doors began opening and closing.

By the time Crowley had ascended the staircase, Jardis was spread out on his bed.

But Crowley resisted, on remembering that he had not missed her at all, and she was about the only succubus to rape someone she was married to. He shivered. He would never rape anyone since she had done that, which was most of the time they had lived together.

"Just tell me what you want, Jardis, then maybe we can go our own separate ways."

Jardis crossed her legs and sat on the bed like a little girl. Except that if you looked, you could see she was not wearing any underwear.

"Bloody hell, Jardis, at least put your knickers on," said Crowley.

She did. "You muzzt love the angel," she pouted.

"I suppose."

"…You look pretty zilly togezzer. What with him being fat and cardigan – wearing and you…" Jardis licked her lips, running glowing eyes down her husband's body.

"Come on, Jardis, what do you want?"

"…I want you to put Haztur off deziring me."

"…Hastur fancies you?"

"Yah."

"It's yeah, with an 'e'. My G- Devil, Hastur fancies my wife! Well, what's wrong, if you play your cards right, you could be a duchess."

Jardis frowned. "He'z not az sexy az thou. Hey, did you juzzt nearly say my God?"

"No. Definitely not. Bugger my fucking giddy aunt, I thought Hastur only had eyes for Ligur! Well well, what a turn up for the books…. So what do you want me to do?"

"Casually tell him what a terrible wife I am."

Crowley gave a bogus smile of sweet reminisces. "Mmm. And what if that doesn't work?"

"Fight him to the death," she answered without hesitation.

Crowley simpered.

The Bentley screeched to a halt outside 'Used Books Ltd.' Crowley leapt out, and dashed through the door, which unlocked obediently.

"Aziraphale!" he cried, feeling much more emotional than was cool. However.

The angel leapt up from his seat in the back room. "Crowley?"

Crowley rushed into the doorway. The angel was a complete mess. He was slouched and pale and some of his hair stood on end. The table was littered with empty bottles and cocoa powder boxes. He stood up with his arms outstretched. Crowley flung himself into them.

"Oh, fuck it, I'm so sorry, Aziraphale. You're completely right about Jardis, she's a bitch. But there's good news."

Aziraphale, who had been surprised at the rush of emotion from his demon, stared expectantly.

"Hastur's in love with her! All you have to do is make her fall for him."

Aziraphale was so overcome by the good news, he spent some time tenderly licking Crowley's forked tongue before the other statement sank in. "I have to do what?" he said dryly.

A/N: I'm sorry, but I can't find me inbox at the moment, so thanks to all who reviewed!