Epilogue: Part 2
SIX YEARS LATER
Tris
It hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be. I don't know why I ever thought it would be easy. Sometimes love isn't enough, but sometimes it is. The war has stopped, but the fighting never stopped, at least not for me. It just took a different form. I suppose that it was always there, the stubbornness and the tension that kept pulling us apart. We were both different in many ways, but we were alike in all the worst ways. The stubbornness, the refusal to back down, our thick skin, they would be useful in any other situation, but not in this one.
I think it started when I wanted to go back to work. At first I wanted to recover from my injuries and take a well-needed rest. At first Tobias was supportive of it. But then I started to get bored, as I should have known I would do. Being Tobias' assistant was only fulfilling for so long, especially when our opinions started to differ. The people on the fringe were rebelling in more and more violent ways. Last week, a bomb had gone off in the farmland and killed some farmers who had been planting crops outside the Bureau. I know that the fighting is a long way from us, but it still keeps me awake at night, wondering if I'll be sucked back into a war I want no part of. I barely made it out alive last time, how will I manage this time? I can't hold a gun. I can't fight for my life anymore. I think I'm just too tired.
Tobias has gone into extreme overprotective mode, although I honestly blame Christina for that. Don't get me wrong, Christina is still my best friend, but she started dating a patrolman that worked in the fringe. He was killed when a mob rushed the perimeter between the fringe and the Bureau. It was after that that she decided to live in a house close to us, on the border between Amity and Candor. At first I thought it would be great having her around, but she's lost a lot of her youth and her fighting spirit. Sometimes I'll wake at night and come out into the kitchen to find her and Tobias sitting around cups of coffee, discussing what can be done about the rebels in the fringe. I want the violence to stop but it will go on, I know, with or without me.
Tobias still insists he's Joanna's assistant, but she's getting older and Tobias is taking more and more of the leader role he says he never wanted. I understand why, but he's proving to himself each and every day that he's nothing like his father and I think that's helping him get more comfortable. That, and he's worried about me. I know he is. Ever since I almost died after releasing the memory serum, he's been more vigilant about me, more concerned about where I go. That's why after I told him I wanted to have a job, to do something useful, he insisted that I was too injured to go anywhere without him.
We get into fights like that. Sometimes often, sometimes not. There are sometimes I just leave and sleep at Christina's. There are nights when he will be out all night and not come home. I worry about him. He worries about me. I suppose it's not the healthy thing to do and I know we each want to stop, we just don't know how. But when the morning comes, the apologetic kiss is always there. We mean too much to each other to be apart for long. We are family, and if there is one thing that is encoded into each other is that family does not abandon each other. No matter how strong our opinions are, no matter how mad we get, love is always there to close the gap we form between us.
I mull over these thoughts in front of the bench Tobias set up in front of the window, so I can sit in the morning and look over the river. It makes me think of the chasm in Dauntless headquarters, although I think of the Dauntless less and less. It is starting to become more and more obvious that there are no more factions, and I have stopped defining people by faction and more and more by the city that they are from. I suppose there is no difference, really.
There is a faint knock on the door, and I sit up slowly, wincing at the pain in my neck. I still have difficulty moving sometimes from where the bullet went in. My back aches sometimes and my neck tends to become stiff if I sit in one position for too long. I feel as if I'm too old for my time, but at least I have time left.
I pull open the door and Christina is standing there in blue jeans and a red shirt. It's hard to erase the Candor out of her, but the new clothes everyone wears, the mix of color, is definitely helping. It's so hard to picture her as Dauntless, the way I knew her during the initiation.
"How are you today?" Christina asks, pulling me into a hug. She asks that question every time she sees me, as if I'm about to break into a thousand tiny glass pieces.
"Fine," I say, ignoring the kink in my neck. "How are things?"
"Oh, you know," Christina shrugs. "The usual." Although I can tell by the look in her eye that she is not telling me something. Things really have changed.
"Did Tobias tell you not to tell me?" I ask suspiciously. We have had this fight too many times, too.
"He's just concerned," Christina sighs. "He just wants to keep you out of it. The fighting is really heating up and he just wants to keep you out of it."
I walk into the kitchen and plop down on a stool at the kitchen table. Christina walks over to the coffee machine and starts pouring herself a cup. I think she's addicted to the stuff, but I see no harm in it, so I always leave a pot brewing when I know she's coming over. "He needs to stop doing this," I say. "Does he really think I'm going to go run off and join the fighting?"
"You did once," Christina points out. Right. The time I ran over to Erudite Headquarters to die. How can I forget.
"Years ago," I say. "I don't want to fight. He knows that. I don't even think I could lift a gun if I tried."
"He can't either," Christina says. I give her a look. "He tried a few weeks ago," she says. "We went to the shooting range together. He fired a shot but completely missed the target by a few feet. Then he put it back down. He said after what happened to you he just couldn't pick up another gun again, it just felt wrong."
I frown, picturing Christina and Tobias going to the shooting range together. He never told me about that. Why wasn't I invited? Why didn't he even tell me he was going?
"I'm not trying to steal your man," Christina says, sticking her tongue out at me. "He loves you, you know that."
"I do," I say, but it lacks the conviction that it once held.
"It's the stress from all the fighting," Christina sighs, looking out towards the window. "I saw you two together after everything at the Bureau. She guys were good for years while things were peaceful. Now things are heating up again-" She casts a weary look in my direction. "You two just don't work well under stress."
"That's an understatement," I murmur, pressing my hands against my sides out of habit. "I just worry about him. While he's out there. He's stopped talking to me about what he does with Joanna. I just wonder what kind of decisions he's making. Will they hurt people? Will they hurt me? Is that why he won't tell me?"
Christina shifts, as if she's uncomfortable. "They want to use the memory serum on the fringe. That's where most of the backlash is. They think if they can quell the fighting there, that there will be peace for a few more years at least. I think it's a temporary solution to a bigger problem, but I don't think they want to hear my opinion."
"They?" I ask blankly. Does Tobias…?
"No," Christina says quickly, as if reading my thoughts. "I was Joanna's idea. She talked Mark into it, and Evelyn is on board with it as well." I shiver involuntarily. After everything that happened, Tobias made it clear that we were both going to have to get used to each other. We are civil to each other, but we haven't quite warmed up to each other yet.
"What about Tobias?"
"Tobias," Christina hesitates. "He's trying to not have an opinion on it. Look, I told him to talk to you about it, but he doesn't want to get you involved. He's worrying you'll go running into something that's over your head if they won't listen to you."
I cross my arms across my chest, almost offended that I have to learn this information second-hand. He really thinks that I would go running off and leave him again? How could he possibly think that?
"Anyway," Christina continues. "They want a full consensus in order to do that. Tobias still won't say one way or the other. He's told them that he wants to talk to you about it first, that it's something you need to decide on together before he makes a decision."
I pause, contemplating what she's said. "Then why hasn't he asked me about it yet?"
"Maybe he's waiting for the right time," she says. "Haven't you been getting sick lately?"
"Just a bit," I shrug. "I think it's something I've been eating."
"Oh yeah?" Christina sets her cup down and leans against the countertop. "What's going on with you?"
"Nothing," I say. "Just a bit of nausea in the morning sometimes, that's all."
"Oh?" Christina raises her eyebrows at me.
"No," I reply hotly.
"No?"
"No."
"You sure?"
"Yes."
"You really sure?"
I sigh. "No."
"Here." She walks towards me and hands me something that looks almost like a pen with a clear cap. It looks almost like a thermometer. "You might want to take this."
I turn it over in my hands and realize what this is. "Christina-"
"Just so you know for sure," Christina says, throwing up her hands. "I think you should take it as soon as possible."
"Do you think I should wait for Tobias to get home?" I ask hesitantly.
Christina shrugs but says nothing. I pause for a moment, turning it over my hands before I get to my feet. "I'll be right back."
It's fifteen minutes before I stumble out of the bathroom, clutching the test in my hand. Christina stands up, searching my face for any sign.
"I'm pregnant." I keep my voice as even as possible, waiting to see her reaction.
Christina claps her hand to her mouth. "I knew it! I just knew it! Congratulations!" She rushes over to me and hugs me, a bit too tight for what I'm comfortable with but I let it slide. I know Zeke and Shauna already had a baby girl, but we haven't seen them in months. Children with Tobias is something I wanted to think about when I was older. When the world was a peaceful place again, if it ever was. Can I really bring a child into this world when there is so much fighting and hatred?
Christina seems to be reading my thoughts and takes a step back. "When are you going to tell Tobias."
"Tonight," I say immediately. Then add, a bit testily, "At least I am honest with him about things."
"Don't-" Christina sighs. "Don't blame him, please. He really is worried about you. He wants to protect you. I know it comes out the wrong way sometimes, but he really does have good intentions at heart."
"Are you defending him?" I ask teasingly. Ever since she moved closer, her and Tobias have been spending more time together. I suppose it's a good thing. With Zeke being a father, Tobias hasn't lost his best friend, but he doesn't see him as often as I would like him too. And with Christina still retaining her Candor qualities, she tells Tobias the blunt truth, whether he wants to hear it or not. I think he needs someone with that kind of blunt honesty to tell him things, someone who isn't me.
"Me? Defend Four?" Christina asks. "No, I think he can defend himself just fine."
We sit and talk for a while, trying to keep the subject matter clear of the fringe or the Bureau. Sometimes we'll talk about the past, the Dauntless initiation and so on, but that topic of conversation never lasts long. There are too many faces that are no longer among us. There is too much pain locked into those memories to stay focused on them for too long.
As the sun starts to set, Christina heads for home, knowing that Tobias is going to be back soon. I take a shower and dress in a light tee shirt and a pair of Tobias' boxers, lying down of the bed. It's the middle of summer, and it's hotter than I would like it to be. My hair has grown out much longer than I'd like it to be, and Christina has promised me that she'll cut it next Thursday.
I'm gazing out the window, absorbed in my own thoughts, when I hear Tobias come home. I instantly shut my eyes and force myself to regulate my breathing, pretending to be asleep. I hear Tobias immediately enter the bathroom and listen to the run of the faucet. I can picture him over the sink, his shoulders hunched as he splashes water onto his face, as he so often does when he's stressed.
I roll over and sit up just as the water stops and he comes into the bedroom. He has cut his hair again, and he looks more like the Four I knew during my Dauntless initiation, strong and muscular. He lies down on the bed beside me and puts his hand on my cheek, pulling my face towards his. I brush his lower lip with mine, and he puts his arm around my waist as he pulls me closer and kisses me.
I deepen the kiss for a moment, and he moves his hand from his cheek to my hair. "This is getting long," he says, breaking the kiss.
"Christina's supposed to cut it next Thursday."
"Mmhmm." He just runs his hands through my hair, letting my blonde strands catch the remaining light of the setting sun. He just repeats this motion for a while, running his hands through my hair. I wait for him to speak, but he says nothing.
"So how are things?" I prompt.
"Fine."
"Just fine?"
"Yeah," he says, but he can't hide the crease that's formed on his brow. I can't tell if it's because there's some burden weighing on his mind or it's because he knows that tonight I am feeling persistent.
I sigh and roll over, taking in the warmth of him beside me on the bed. Do I pursue the line of questioning? It might make him get up and leave. I don't want to be in a position where I have to force him to tell me everything, but I don't want to let him keep me in the dark.
"Christina told you, didn't she?"
I hear his long, drawn out sigh. "Candor blabber-mouth."
I sit up in bed, turning to face him. I don't want to fight. We're both so stubborn, constantly trying to protect the other. Why can't we just realize that we work better as a team? "It's okay," I say quietly. "You can tell me when you're ready."
He looks at me, as if seeing me for the first time. Is this really the first time I've taken the high road instead of persisting that he answer me and then berating him for not telling me sooner? If that's really the cause of all of our fights, maybe we just need to find a better way to communicate. Hopefully this is it.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," he says. "I just didn't want to get you involved. I mean, I just don't want you running out to the fringe trying to save everyone. You're my family now, Tris, and I need to protect you. I almost lost you once, and I will do anything, anything to make sure that doesn't happen again."
"Including robbing a few hundred people of their memories?" I ask.
He gets off the bed and paces the room, running a hand through his hair. I sit back quietly, waiting for him to tell me. If he won't, will I pursue it? That question rages in my mind for some time until he decides to speak.
"Yes, no, I don't know. I want to protect you. I want to protect us. But I don't know if this is really the answer. People will forget why they're angry, but then they'll look at the conditions they're living in and get angry all over again. I just don't think we can stop it, the war I mean. I think it was just a part of our lives all along and we never realized it. I don't want to live in a world like that, Tris, where there is constant war. Constant fighting. Always a reason to be afraid of one thing or another. I just don't know how to do it." He shakes his head. "Sometimes I wish we could go back to the factions. Everything was more peaceful then, at least it seemed that way. I mean, we didn't know the half of what was going on, but I guess sometimes it's better not knowing than knowing."
"I don't think so," I say. "At least if we know we can do something about it."
"I don't think it's really our fight anymore," Tobias says, sitting down. "I don't think I want to be a politician anymore. It's just, not something I feel like I'm cut out to be. I can't make these kinds of decisions. In the back of my mind, I'm always thinking about you."
"About me?" I ask.
"I try to think of how it will affect you," he says. "Will this decision protect you? Keep you safe? Keep us safe? And I also think about what you would say. What you would do. You're so much smarter than me, Tris. You always know who to trust. You know how to stand up for your opinion, even if no one else thinks it's the right thing to do. I wish I could be more like you, Tris."
I blush in the fading light, unsure of what to say. "I just wish you would tell me things."
"I know," Tobias says as he closes his eyes. "I know, I know I should. I just…it always seems to cause fights between us. I don't want to fight with you, Tris. Every time you run out that door it makes me-" He swallows hard. "It makes me scared you're not ever going to come back."
My hand finds his and holds it tightly. "I'm sorry," I say quietly, and I mean it. "I'm not going to apologize for having my own opinion or disagreeing with you, but I'm sorry for raising my voice and yelling at you and storming out when I should be here talking things out with you like I am now."
"I guess it's just something we need to work on," Tobias says, flashing me a small grin. I grin back, kissing him softly. "I saw Christina on the way back from work," he says suddenly. "She said you wanted to tell me something?"
"Oh," I hesitate, staring down at our intertwined fingers. "Tobias, I-I-I'm pregnant."
Tobias springs away from me, jumping to his feet. "Pregnant? How long have you known?"
"Just today," I say quickly, getting defensive. "I'm not keeping anything from you, Tobias."
Tobias hesitates, nodding quickly before sitting back down on the bed. I reach for his hand and take it hesitantly. "I don't know what to do," he says quietly.
"Well, there's nothing we need to do for a few months," I joke.
"Not-" He hesitated. "I want to keep you safe. I need to keep you safe. And now that you're pregnant, now that we're going to be starting a family, everything is riskier. Now it's just that much more important to keep you out of harm's way."
"You don't have to worry about keeping me safe, Tobias," I say. "I'm strong. I can take care of myself."
"I know you can," Tobias says. "It's just that the one time I left you alone, you almost didn't make it."
"I know," I say quietly. I know Tobias has never quite gotten over the fact that he almost lost me. I don't know how it would have been if our positions had been reversed, but I don't think it would have changed much. "You'll keep us safe," I say, brushing his cheek with my fingertips. "I know you will."
"I love you," he says, pulling me in for a kiss.
"I love you too," I say back, deepening the kiss.
This is us. No matter what has happened between us, no matter what fights or disagreements we have, we will always put loving each other before anything else. Always.
A/N: I hope you all really enjoyed this story and that it gave you some closure after reading the author's version of the ending. The book's ending wasn't sad because Tris died, it was sad because everyone seemed to be acting out of character and it just didn't fit with the book, or even the theme of the book. Tris was supposed to learn to live with the guilt and learn how to move on, that that was the true sign of bravery, and that her Divergence did not affect who she really was. Her death completely negates that theme from the book. I understand that it's a war, and people we love die in wars, but Tris' death seemed to just undermine what the series was supposed to stand for. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this story and got some much-needed closure! Cheers!
