Chapter 9: I Know

Nicky didn't stay to watch the meth head's Beyoncé act, but judging by the laughter echoing from the auditorium and down the hallway, she knew that the spectacle was everything she knew it would be and probably more.

Of course she wanted to see the two idiots embarrass themselves, but she couldn't find the courage to face the hordes of women she just bared her soul in front of and the two women in particular that her soul was bared at. Of course, Caputo said that he had heard her, and that everyone had heard what she was trying to say, but did they like what they heard?

Nicky let out at groan, letting her head crashing against the wall behind her with a thud.

"You have such a beautiful head. Don't go thumping it against the wall."

It wasn't the words that had her eyes shooting wide, but rather the strong Russian accent that was attached to them. Nicky couldn't bring herself to turn towards the voice, where she knew the closest thing to a mother she had ever had stood.

Nicky stared defiantly at the wall in front of her, willing the tears back from her eyes at just the thought of having this conversation.

She wasn't surprised that only a few seconds later Nicky was staring into Red's bright blue eyes. Red was never known for her patience, or for being ignored, especially when it came to her family.

"Moy rebenok," whispered Red, reaching up and cupping Nicky's face. Her thumb began to gently stroke her cheeks wiping away tears that instantly fell from Nicky's face when Red called her my child.

Nicky couldn't help but lean in the touch, just as much as she couldn't stop the choked sob that escaped her lips.

Before she knew it she was engulfed in the woman's arms, and Nicky immediately was surrounded with the smell of vanilla and spices. The smell, the feeling of Red's arms wrapped around her, and the emotion laced Russian words that were whispered into her ear, all of it combined was all it took for Nicky's walls to come crumbling down.

Reaching forward, Nicky grasped the back of Red's shirt, pulling the woman in closer as the damn that was steadily leaking from her eyes finally broke, as tears streamed downed her face and choked sobs escaped her mouth.

"I am so sorry," choked out Nicky, fisting her hands even tighter into Red's shirt as she buried her head into the woman's neck and cried like she had never cried before.

A soothing hand ran up Nicky's back before a small kiss could be felt at the side of her head.

"I know," whispered Red.

Nicky cried even harder now, refusing to loosen her grip.

"I didn't want to push you away Ma. I just was slipping and I didn't want you bring you down with me."

"I know," repeated Red, this time bobbing her head with the acceptance of Nicky's words.

"I am in love with Lorna and she is married now. I don't think I can handle the thought of not having her in my life."

"I know."

Nicky loosened her grip on Red's shirt, and just allowed herself the comfort of being held for a few moments before pulling back.

Wiping at her eyes, Nicky blurrily stared up at Red, her heart breaking at the sight of tracks of tears that were on the woman's face.

"I'm using again. I wasn't strong enough to stay away from them at Max and I have been doing everything I could get my hands on since I got back."

Pain flashed in Red's bright blue eyes, as her lips thinned into that unmistakable Red scowl before the woman reached forward and dragged her thumb right under Nicky's eyes, most likely cleaning up the dripping eye liner.

"I know."

Red's voice was full of anger but the woman's eyes shined with the exact opposite, as love and acceptance filtered out of the woman and wrapped Nicky in their warm embrace once more.

Nicky reached forward now, grabbing Red's shoulder's in what she hoped conveyed how genuine her next words were about to be.

"I am going to get better. I am going to get clean again and I will stay away for real this time, Red. I want to be better. I want to make something out of my life. I am going to make you proud of me."

Red reached up and grasped Nicky's hands, uncurling them from her shoulder's to then lace them with her own, all while staring Nicky straight in the eye.

"I know."

Nicky closed her eyes at Red's words. The woman had only repeated the same two words since the beginning of this conversation. How can two words mean so much? How could Red know what she was doing when she was pushing her away? How could Red know about Lorna when she herself only truly started to understand how much she loved that woman? How did Red know about her using again or even believe her when she said she would stop, when she has let the woman down so many times in the past?

All these questions raged within Nicky's head and the frustration with everything came spiraling out of her mouth.

"But how?!" cried out Nicky at Red, wanting the woman to say anything other than those two words. "How do you know Ma?"

The level of Nicky's voice didn't seem to faze Red at all, as the woman brought her gaze down to stare at their intertwined hands. Giving Nicky's hands a squeeze, Red brought her hands up to grip Nicky's forearms before pulling her into an embrace. It was a real hug, not one out of desperation like earlier, but instead one filled with warmth and love, and it was everything. Red's hands ran through Nicky's hair, stroking the girls scalp before she placed a kiss to the side of her head.

"A mother always knows."