Chapter 9: Under, Over
A/N: Hi sweethearts! Thank you all for your amazing reviews! Onward we shall go!
Thanks always to Trogdor19 for beta'ing my goofy booty into shape. Love girl, love.
Episode point of reference: We are still hanging in non-canon land between the memorial and the Stefan/Elena jealousy talk. We are going to continue right where we left off last chapter, so feel free to remind yourself what that crazy girl pulled on us by skipping back if need be. Enjoy!
ELENA POV
Under, Over
Awareness finds me and I'm cold, chilled under air hitting wet spots on my skin.
My hip hurts. I'm on my side, my weight grinding it into something hard.
My upper body is leaning against something soft, warm, forgiving.
Square fingernails are tickling me as they brush against my face, pulling through my wet hair.
Whispers skim my scalp.
Verses were floating to me in the darkness, guiding me towards peace and I'm relieved to find they're still here, welcoming me home.
I listen, my eyes closed as the words fall to the rhythm of a heartbeat.
"Silence invades the breathing wood
Where drowsy limbs a treasure keep,
Now greenly falls the learned shade
Across the sleeping brows
And stirs their secret to a smile."*
I breathe deep and shiver, the body under me shifting slightly as the hands leave and cotton drapes me. The heartbeat that was steady begins to race and a finger touches the spot under my chin and lifts.
I open my eyes and I know I'm safe as I absorb black hair framing blue eyes. Eyes that are worried and gentle, sweeping through me as they search under and over every part of my soul. They must find what they were searching for. They close under the release of a deep breath and I sink further into his softening chest. His heartbeat slows.
"Damon?"
His arm that's over me pulls me closer, the hand tilting my face up to him now cupping my cheek and holding me under his chin and over his heart.
"It's okay…you're okay, Elena."
I sniffle and snuggle closer. He's so upset and it's my fault. More guilt.
"Are you uncomfortable?" he asks quietly a minute later.
I'm not sure if he's asking because we're laying in my bathtub which isn't nearly big enough for both of us, or because I'm naked. We're naked, I realize, and suddenly I can feel everything. It's a comforting and warm feeling as my blood circulates through me, spreading a blush over me from head to toe.
I shake my head and whisper, "No."
"Elena, what happened?" he asks gently. He's not judging, he's just trying to understand what broke so it doesn't happen again.
I can't tell him. I can't put that blame on him. It's not his fault, but he'll feel like it is. I don't say anything.
"Please, tell me…"
I squeeze my eyes shut. I won't do this to him.
"Is there something I need to take care of?"
He's still not judging, but he wants to know how many people I killed while I couldn't feel. I don't blame him for asking. I actually asked him to kill Jeremy, I remember.
My stomach rolls.
I shake my head no at him again.
"Because there's nothing left, or because it didn't happen?" he clarifies.
"Didn't happen," I barely say. My throat is dry and itchy from screaming and crying for so long.
"You know you can tell me if it did. It doesn't change anything."
"I know," I whisper.
He must believe me, he doesn't ask again. He doesn't say anything for a while, he just holds me to him while we shakily breathe together. When he does speak again, he sounds nervous and that scares me more than anything. Damon doesn't get nervous unless it's really bad.
"Elena, you know nothing I said was real. I would never let that happen and I wouldn't do that to you. You do know that, don't you?"
"I do."
He lets out another deep breath and I sink further. I wonder how many are inside him, waiting to be let out. Probably more than I want to know, but I need to find them. I can't stand the idea of his worry poisoning him from the inside out.
"I'm sorry," he whispers like it's difficult to say. "It's just… God, Elena, you scared the shit out of me and I didn't know what it was going to take to get you back."
His hand moves from where he's holding my face down to the bottom of my neck, his thumb sweeping over the hollow part under my throat.
"I didn't hurt you, did I?" his voice quivers.
I bring one of my hands up to cover his, wishing I could give him the peace he always brings me.
"No, Damon, you never hurt me."
I feel a tear slide down my cheek. I don't deserve his worry, his apologies, not after everything I've put him through.
"Damon, I'm so sorry," I sob, shaking under my remorse. "I didn't mean it. I do care. I never wanted to hurt you, I just-"
"It's okay, Elena," he sooths. "You didn't hurt me and you don't have to apologize. This was going to happen at some point. I'm just glad I was here."
I want to tell him that I'm glad too. I need to tell him that no one could have broken me in the only way that would work, that he was the only one with the key to unlocking my humanity again. I don't get a chance.
"I know you don't want to hear this, but it'll happen again. But you have to understand, it doesn't last," he says seriously so I know he's being completely honest. Not to scare me, but to warn me of what I'm up against.
"It'll hold for a while, but it fights you and eventually it'll break. The older you get, the weaker it becomes and then one day it'll just be gone. It's only temporary, so whatever it is you're running from, it'll catch up to you in the end. And like everything else, the longer you wait, the worse it gets."
"I understand," I tell him.
"Good. So next time, you talk to me first and whatever it is, we'll figure it out together, okay? You do not have to do this on your own. We're all here: Jeremy, Bonnie, Caroline, even Matt."
I nod my head at his request. I can't believe he's saying these things. He's always honest but we're never usually this open. I must have really scared him. It's probably easier that we're not looking at each other. I don't know if I could take looking at his eyes right now on top of his words.
I know I can't do this without him and I don't have to. But I need to be able to, for him.
"Say 'I promise.'"
"I promise," I agree and I feel him place a light kiss to my head.
More silence.
I'm too overwhelmed to go through everything at once and thank God he seems to understand that. He's not pushing, he's not rushing, he's just letting me try to find my normal again and giving me all the time I need.
"You ready to tell me what happened?" he asks quietly some time later.
I shake my head no.
He huffs out a little breath, like he doesn't want to say what he's going to. I know what he's going to say and I don't want him to say it either.
"Does it have something to do with your phone beeping constantly the last twenty minutes?"
I nod my head yes.
"Where are you supposed to be?"
"Your house," I whisper.
His chest shakes a little under silent laughter, his arms holding me tighter.
"You're not kidding," he says in the husky voice that he knows makes my nipples hard, which is incredibly embarrassing considering we're naked.
He draped a towel over me, but it's not covering much and I know he knows what he's doing to my body. I'm sure he can see how red every visible part of me is and hear how fast my heart just started racing.
"Hmm," he rumbles happily to himself, obviously satisfied with my reaction and I feel him grow and harden against me.
It feels wonderful, but I also know it's wrong. I start to pull away, but he barely lets me move.
"Don't even think about it," he teases and holds me tighter.
I smile. He's not giving me a choice and it's so selfish but I don't even care I'm so glad. He's giving me what he knows I want, but in a way that allows me to justify it so I don't feel as guilty. He always takes such good care of me.
I relish in my guiltless comfort and nuzzle my cheek against him so I'm snuggling even closer. I feel a rumble in his chest that reminds me of a purr, but I don't hear it anywhere else. I nuzzle him once more to see if I can make him do it again and I can. Another favorite sound. There's been so many today.
There's still some blood on his chest from where he was shot and that never got fully clean. I gently touch the place where one of the bullets that tried to kill him pierced his skin.
"Does it hurt?"
"No, not anymore," he says and places another light kiss on my hair.
I realize his shirt must be riddled with holes and covered in blood and he's going to have to put it back on before he goes. I hate the idea of him having to cover his gorgeous body with anything less than the exquisite perfection he usually dresses in.
"Your shirt…"
"Don't remind me," he mumbles.
"You could borrow one of Jeremy's, or I could get you one of my Dad's, if you want."
I want to say that Ric still has some clothes here too, but I don't want to bring him up and upset him anymore than I already have. He doesn't need to be reminded that his best friend just died. He's been through enough.
I snuggle closer.
"You should probably just leave some clothes here for emergencies," I say before I think better of it.
I shouldn't have said that. It's not fair to him that I ask him to play the boyfriend I won't allow him to be.
Damon isn't saying anything, but his heart rate just sped up and that says it all.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, ashamed. "I know I don't-"
"It's not that, Elena," he says gently, lightly squeezing me so I know he's not mad.
"Then-"
"I do have clothes here," he tells me quietly.
I'm flooded with warmth and a large smile spreads across my face.
"I have some shirts and pants in Ric's closet, just in case, seeing as how I can't seem to go a day without ruining at least three," he says in the nonchalant voice he uses when he's trying to hide how much emotion is behind what he's really saying.
"Is that okay?" he adds in an uncertain whisper that tells me the truth.
His grip on me loosens in insecurity, enough that I can pull away and sit up to look at him. I want him to see my eyes so he'll believe me. His eyes are hesitant as he watches me, waiting for me to turn him away and shut him down, waiting for me to run.
He still waits for my answer while I run my fingers though his damp hair, brushing a few strays back off his forehead. He doesn't move as I lean forward slowly, his heart pounding as I smile.
"Yes," I whisper before I kiss him.
I press my slightly parted mouth to his, wrapping his bottom lip between mine. Damon is always clean shaven, but it's late in the day and his upper lip tickles me with the barest trace of returning hair that I can't see. It's also rasping against my chin and I move my hands to his cheeks so I can absorb the contradiction of him, soft only beneath a coarse shield that has a magnificent texture all its own.
It makes me feel so delicate, so feminine, that he's such a man and I love it. He makes me feel like a woman, not a young girl or a teenager and it kills me that I can't seem to explain any of this to him. I want him to know that I can see the changes in me and I like that they're a reflection of him.
He pulls back.
"Elena," he says and let's go of another deep sigh he had contained. I can't help but smile. One more down. Soon I'll get them all and I'll feel so much better knowing they've gone where they can't hurt him anymore.
I look at him, perfectly comfortable and relaxed now.
He's not. He's warring with himself, trying to figure out how to do the right thing by all three of us. But he's also unable to deny what it is he wants, or hide how much he wants it.
"You know I should go before-"
"No," I stop him. "You didn't get your shower and I'm not putting you in another clean shirt just so you can get blood all over that one too. So you're going to stay here while I draw you a bath and you're not allowed to leave until I say so. Do I make myself clear?" I ask in the scolding voice he uses on me, eliciting a smile from him.
"Good," I say and kiss him again. "Now, stay here and I'll be right back," I promise before lithely jumping out of the tub and blurring from the bathroom before he can catch me.
"Hey!" he yells after me and I answer with a giggle.
I go into my room and grab my phone, texting Stefan that I'm going to be late and I'll be there in another hour or so. I don't even look at any of the messages he sent. I won't let his words sway me anymore or distract me from all I feel when he's gone.
I can't let myself think about the things I'm going to have to say to him. How I can't betray him, or Damon, or me, anymore. It's not fair to any of us and I won't sentence us to spend eternity in purgatory. It's within my power to fix all of this, I just have to find the strength to do it. But I won't let myself be afraid just now, because for once I know what needs to be done.
I have a hurting and bloody angel in my bathtub and I'm the only one he'll let take care of him, so that's what I'm going to do. Everything else can wait.
I receive a response immediately, saying he'll see me soon and to take my time. I turn my phone off and lock my bedroom window before I head down to the hallway to Ric's room, completely nude and without a trace of self-consciousness to be found about it.
"Elena…" Damon calls impatiently from the bathroom.
I beam. I was half worried he would give in to his conscience and bolt once I was out of sight, but he didn't.
"I don't hear any water running," I chastise playfully and open my deceased guardian's door.
The faucet turns immediately and I hear water greeting porcelain.
I enter Ric's closet, turning on the light. It's impossibly easy to tell which clothes are Damon's in a sea of Fruit of the Loom and flannel. I grab a hanger and look inside for the label to see who designed it, because I can't help myself.
There isn't one. It was custom made. He chose the color, the cut, the fabric. It was crafted to mold him perfectly and it's exactly what he wanted. I bring it up and breathe. It still smells like him, even though it's been living in my house for who knows how long.
I smile. Damon knows. I wonder when he brought them and why he didn't tell me. I love that they've been here all this time, but I wish I would've known, that way I could've been doing this whole time what I'm going to do now and most likely going to do again in the very near future now that I know they're here.
I unbutton it and slip it on, completely mesmerized by the way it glides across and over my skin. It's so soft I almost can't even feel it.
I step in front of Ric's full length mirror as I button it. I only close enough so that it's clasped between the bottom of my breasts and my navel, teasing the reveal of skin. I pull my wet hair out of the collar and scrunch it, giving it the sexy, playful look that only happens when it's wet because of the curls I normally iron out.
I look myself over. I look striking and sexy with his long, loose sleeves and an open collar highlighting the softness of my jaw. I turn and check over my shoulder; the length is perfect, barely covering my bottom in a way that is almost cruel to do to him.
I'm giddy with anticipation. I can't wait to see his face when I go back in there. I probably get just as much pleasure from seeing his eyes pop as he does trying to get my heart to race.
"You do realize that you're the only woman in America without bubble bath, right?" he whines as I walk down the hall.
"Are you complaining?" I ask huskily as I stroll into my bathroom, letting my hips sway slightly more than I usually do.
Damon is crouched down, searching through the cabinets under my sink with a towel around his hips. He's completely frozen and staring at me and I swear I saw the shadow of black veins around his eyes twice already.
He smiles and its pure excitement and sexual deviance and I'm instantly aroused.
I parade around behind him, not missing the way his eyes are glued to my every move as I reach up into the cabinet where we keep the extra towels and pull down the hidden bubble bath I keep stored away.
"You hide your bubble bath?" he asks, his voice deeper and rougher than normal.
"Little brother," I say and wink at him.
Damon shakes a little under silent laughter.
"Right…" he nods. He gets it.
He stands and takes the soap from me, setting it on the counter. He hooks one finger into the shirt between my breasts and pulls, his other arm wrapping around my waist as he brings me in to him and his erection presses against me.
"Who said you could put this on?" he almost growls, folding back the collar to reveal my shoulder and kissing my neck. Fire blazes under, over, and through me.
"Is it a problem?" I breathe as his tongue touches me.
"Yes," he replies and I feel a button open.
"You're supposed to be in the bath," I mumble as he continues to do the most delicious things with his mouth against my skin.
"What bath?"
"The one that's about to overflow," I say and he stops, glancing to see if I'm right.
"Shit," he says and steps away to turn off the water, making me giggle in pride that I can distract him this much.
I step in behind him and place my hands on his hips before I lay a light kiss on his back.
"In the water please," I command and tear off his towel. I'm rewarded with the sound of him sucking in a breath in surprise.
He doesn't move, so I lean back just the slightest bit and slap his toned bottom.
"Go," I scold and he obeys with a chuckle.
"You're bossy," he teases, sinking down and stretching out in the water.
"More complaints?" I say, raising an eyebrow at him as I perch on the edge of the tub, facing him.
"Nope," he grins back, trailing his fingertips up and down my exposed thigh. "Just observations."
"Hmm, well I think you would've noticed that by now."
"Oh, I have," he smiles.
I retrieve my body wash from the corner of the bath and set it next to me before I roll his sleeves up to my elbows, dipping my hands in the water. I could use a loofah or a washcloth, but I don't want to clean him with anything other than my bare hands against his skin. Damon just watches as I pool a small amount of soap in my palms and rub them together, making a lather.
I begin to run my hands over his chest, his head falling back with a sigh and his eyes closing as I caress and touch him.
"Feel good?" I ask quietly.
"Mm-hmm," he nods.
"Good," I whisper, leaning forward and placing a kiss against his jaw.
He smiles and I do too as I travel my way across his skin to his neck. I let one of my hands fall below the water line and trail down his stomach to where he's waiting for me.
He stops me, his hands circling my wrist.
"It's okay," I press to his ear. "Just let me take care of you."
"Not first," he breathes back.
"Damon, sometimes it's okay to just receive," I tell him, though I'm sure that's a completely foreign concept to him. Damon always gives back three times as much as he gets.
"Not with you…"
"It's what I want," I whisper, because that's the key to breaking through to him. "Please, Damon. It's okay, I promise."
He takes a deep breath and his grip loosens enough that I can pull away from his hold.
"Thank you," I breathe and wrap my fingers around him lovingly.
Slowly and gently, I feel every inch of his length which is just out of sight. I sweep my thumb over his rounded tip, circling and learning him, before I tease my nails down the vein that's most sensitive. He trembles under my touch, his heart racing and struggling to keep his breathing steady as I stroke him. His hand on my thigh is gripping and squeezing in rhythm with mine and I let it guide me to what feels best to him.
Soon his breaths are shallow and quick, his movements instinctive as his whole body lightly thrusts against the edge of the tub and up into my hand. His eyes are closed and his jaw is tight, though his lips are parted under the groans he can't contain.
"Elena…" he moans, his eyes pinching tighter shut.
"Just let go," I tell him and he does.
His hand clenches my leg under the force of his orgasm and he shouts and grunts as he pumps wave after wave of his release into the water. I let him settle, attempting to catch his breath as I bury my face in his neck. Both my hands are against his chest while his are wrapped around me, holding me over and to him.
"Feel better?" I ask once he's almost calm.
His whole chest shakes in that always silent laughter.
"Yes, Elena. Much better. Thank you," he humors me with more than a little sarcasm.
I pull back and give him a dirty look and when I see a smile I realize that was exactly what he wanted to happen. He immediately buries his hands in my hair and pulls me back to his eager mouth.
I feel his hand sneak past my knee and in between my legs and I catch it, the same way he stopped me. I smirk at him.
"Nope."
He pouts at me and it's so adorable that I almost give in, but I don't.
"Sorry," I smile and kiss his protruding bottom lip.
I pull away again and he groans, his thumb massaging the little bit of skin it can reach inside my thigh.
"That's so unfair," he grumbles.
"To you or to me?" I ask, cocking my head at him.
"Both," he grins, his eyes flaring in suggestion.
I know he has to know how turned on I am and the fact that I'm not wearing anything other than his shirt is not helping to hide my overflowing want. But as much as I want him to touch me, what I really want most is for him to let me take care of him without his having to give anything in return. For once I want to treat him the way he does me and he always loves me so selflessly.
"I think I'll survive," I smile.
"Ouch…"
"You know that's not what I mean," I glare at him.
"Not sure I do, and you kind of hurt my feelings," he says far too innocently. Then his eyes widen and he's all devilish and wicked again. "But you can make it up to me."
That's my boy. Crazy, dangerously handsome, knows it and knows how to use it. And loves with devotion like no one I've ever met before in my entire life.
"Damon?"
"Hmm?"
"Thank you," I say sincerely.
"Elena…"
"I'm serious, Damon," I say and he sits up, winding his arms around my waist and laying his head over my heart. I hug him back, my fingers threading through his hair as he hides his face from me.
"For coming here, for fixing me, for protecting Jeremy. I owe you everything, so many times over, and one day I'm going to find a way to make this up to you."
"You don't owe me anything, Elena," he mumbles against my skin.
"I do," I say quietly, "I owe you me."
Damon grips me tighter.
"You do deserve me, Damon. I'm the one that doesn't deserve you."
"Please, Elena, not today. I can't-"
"Okay. It's okay," I sooth and kiss his head.
We don't say anything else for a few minutes. We just sit and hold what we shouldn't want.
Damon takes a deep breath before he speaks again.
"I should go," he says quietly.
I want to tell him to stay, but I can't and we both know why. He shouldn't have been here in the first place and he's already stayed too long. This is all so incredibly dangerous and reckless and it's nothing short of a miracle that his brother hasn't shown up here. I should have been at his house long ago and it's only a matter of time before he comes looking for me.
I lay a final kiss on his hair before cupping his cheeks and making him look at me. His eyes always tell me everything. He's tired, but he still wants me. He's angry that he has to leave and he's heartbroken over the reason why.
I place my mouth on his, wishing I could kiss away his pain and I can't, but I still try to anyways.
When I release him to turn and let the water out of the tub, my eyes don't miss the depth of the hurt he lets show for only a moment. He's trying so hard to be strong and I wish he didn't have to be strong at all.
I take his hands and help him stand until he's towering over me, leading him from the bath. He's quiet and still while he lets me pat him dry with the towel he was wearing earlier and when I'm finished I feel his hands on my face followed by the gentlest of kisses on my forehead.
"Thank you," he says and I nod, my voice caught in my throat.
He lets me go and picks up his pants off the floor, sliding them up his legs lazily and without thought. His back is to me as I hear him close the zipper and clasp the buckle and I don't stop myself from hugging him from behind with all my strength.
He lets me hold him for a minute before he turns in my arms, cupping my face and searching my eyes, but not kissing me. Just watching me fall a little more in love with him.
When I pull my hands away from him he does the same, but he doesn't step back. I unbutton his shirt and peel it back, rolling it off one shoulder at a time before letting it slide down my back and arms. I catch it at the collar before it falls to the floor, swinging it around his waist so it's open, behind him. His hands find the openings for the sleeves and I bring it up slowly, letting the fabric settle over his shoulders and the front hang open.
My fingers try to clasp the first button, but before I'm successful his mouth is on mine, kissing me with such intensity that I barely notice as he lifts me up and sets me on the counter. My legs have secured themselves around his waist, my back arched under the force of his lips moving to my neck and down my bare chest.
My head falls back and I can feel the growl in his throat as his tongue tastes my nipple. The vibration already has me close to climax.
What the hell, what's another half hour?
Damon's head snaps up and he releases me in a blur that almost makes me fall. I hear the bathwater start before he's back.
"Get in the shower," he presses into my mouth almost silently and then he disappears, all evidence of him suddenly gone.
The front door shuts.
"Elena?" Stefan calls from downstairs.
"I'm in the shower, I'll be down in a minute," I say in what I hope is a convincingly calm voice, because I'm absolutely panicking.
I get down from the counter without a sound and step into the shower again, praying to God that he stays downstairs.
"Okay, take your time," he replies and I step under the spray.
I curse every drop of water that washes away the proof of Damon's love.
Warm are the Still and Lucky Miles by W. H. Auden
"Warm are the still and lucky miles,
White shores of longing stretch away,
A light of recognition fills
The whole great day, and bright
The tiny world of lovers' arms.
Silence invades the breathing wood
Where drowsy limbs a treasure keep,
Now greenly falls the learned shade
Across the sleeping brows
And stirs their secret to a smile.
Restored! Returned! The lost are borne
On seas of shipwreck home at last:
See! In a fire of praising burns
The dry dumb past, and we
Our life-day long shall part no more."
A/N: Thanks to all over and over again. Still going forward, not done yet. Promise! Thanks for reading
-Goldnox
