The next morning, you woke with a headache you wished could be blamed on the alcohol. But you knew it was a gentle reminder from your body that you had fallen asleep with wet streams of tears rolling off your cheeks accompanied by the helpless shaking of your curled body. You remained in your fetal position until the daylight demanded attention through the window. And then with a heavy sigh, you slowly removed yourself from the safety of your bed.

As you numbly began undressing from your nightgown, your breath caught as your hands landed on your hips to pull the dress over your head. Just at the simple sensation, a memory took over. Larger hands tugged at your waist desperately. The soft hair running through your fingers counterbalanced the rough lips pressing against yours.

You gasped and bit your lip hard, clenching your eyes shut to gain control. The events of the previous night wouldn't be lingered on. It was a drunken kiss. A mistake that you consciously made. Something you would have to live with. But not something you would let own you.

Letting out a slow stream of air, you gently shook yourself into successfully removing your nightgown. As you slipped into your dress for the day and began tying up the simple lace in the back, you glanced up at the clock.

Shit.

You sped up your tying process frantically as you realized you were supposed to meet Philip and Theodosia in five minutes for lunch. Your feet hurried you over to your desk as you pulled the dress lace tight and quickly grabbed a ribbon to pull your hair back. Once your hair was secured, you bent down and opened your bottom desk drawer. Pulling out the lined box inside, you pressed gently on the fake drawer bottom and retrieved the folder from inside the secret compartment.

Not wanting to waste time lacing up boots, you ran out the door in your slippers, figuring your dress was long enough to hide them anyways. Grateful your mother would still be absent from the household for another two days, you took the direct path to the spare dining hall over your usual, safe winding path to save time.

Unfortunately your timing betrayed you.

As you rounded the corner to the dining hall, a figure from the opposite end of the hallway caught your eye. You froze as your skin began to become icy.

Alexander also froze, studying you with such an intensity you were sure he could see right through you. But after a short moment, you snapped back into the task at hand.

Your eyes averted from his, and with your head down, you determinedly stalked to the door, thankfully slightly more on your side of the hallway. But as soon as you took your first step, Alexander called out.

"Wait, Y/N, we should- we should talk," he pleaded, as you blatantly ignored his calls. He began to walk towards you and you ducked into the dining hall door with gritted teeth.

Philip and Theodosia looked up at you surprised as you flew into the room and stopped with your eyes closed to compose yourself. When you looked back at them, Theodosia furrowed her eyebrows and frowned at you.

"Where's Alexander?" she asked pointedly, probably making the correct assumption that you hadn't even remembered to invite him. Though, to be fair, Theodosia's reasoning probably entailed your general dislike for Alexander. While the actual reasoning was quite the opposite, given the circumstances.

You opened your mouth to respond and reason with Theodosia as the door behind you burst open. You turned around startled and strained to hold in a groan.

"Y/N, please, we need to talk about-"

Alexander cut off as he saw he was also in the company of Philip and Theodosia. His words trailed off and his eyes wandered questioning to you as you bit your lip uncomfortably.

"Good! You're here!" you heard Theodosia announce smugly from behind you. "To be completely honest, I thought Y/N wimped out of inviting you."

Alexander's eyes questioned yours, and you shook your head slightly as to not say anything. After a moment, he seemed to consent by pressing his lips into a firm line and giving a short nod.

"Just go along with it, and we'll talk later," you murmured, promising him a conversation you would rather avoid. This, however, convinced him more thoroughly to accept what was happening. With a small sigh, you turned around with a light smile at Theodosia. "I told you I would invite him, didn't I?" you asked innocently. Theodosia merely rolled your eyes, somehow sensing you had gotten lucky. You began walking towards the table with a slight smirk, noting Alexander's presence close behind you.

Alexander sat down pensively as Philip and Theodosia watched him expectantly. After a short moment, he cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Um, am I allowed to ask why I'm here?" he inquired nervously. Now their eyes shifted to you.

You shrugged your shoulders avoiding eye contact. "You told me to invite him, not to brief him. I did my job," you reasoned with a pointed look. Philip smirked while Theodosia rolled her eyes with a soft tone on her face. "Besides," you continued, "I don't think we should brief him until he agrees."

"Agrees to what?" Alexander's voice asked. You glanced uneasily between the other two, and finally landed your eyes on Alexander's. And those damned beautiful eyes were pleading an explanation from you.

You pressed your lips together and then sighed. "We can't tell you," you finally admitted regretfully. His eyes narrowed as yours held his steadily. You resisted the urge to reach out and gently hold his arm. "You'll just have to agree. Blind faith."

He studied your eyes carefully, and you felt the warm pit in your stomach ignite, trying to press the way those eyes looked at you under stars from your mind. You couldn't let your mind wander. Not here. Your teeth chewed on the inside of your cheek. Alexander's eyes looked scared and unsure, and you had no way of soothing it. A frown crossed your mouth.

"You can walk out right now," you offered in a softer, more sincere tone. His expression softened slightly and you allowed yourself to relax a little. "We won't take any offense. It's a big decision, and I'm sorry we can't explain anything until you make it."

He pulled his expression into a somber one and briefly broke eye contact with you to glance at Philip and Theodosia. When his eyes met yours again, he seemed conflicted.

"Be honest with me," he instructed, and you nodded slightly. "Do I want to agree?"

You weighed his question and blocked out Theodosia's sharp inhale of breath. You already knew what she was thinking: you would say no. You didn't want Alexander with them, so you would turn him away while you had his trust.

But it only took a few moments of consideration to come to an honest answer.

"Yes," you admitted regretfully. "You really want to agree."

All of his apprehension vanished at your words, and he nodded in agreement. "Then okay. I agree," he stated, his eyes never leaving yours. You offered a small strained smile.

"I'm sorry for putting you into danger," you confessed, not willing to meet his bewildered look. "I needed to tell you that before you excitedly dive into our mess," you mumbled.

Alexander watched you carefully, and then moved his eyes to Theodosia, who was beaming at him.

"Welcome to Civilian Protection, Alexander," Theodosia announced.

"I prefer to call it Mommy Issues, but do as you will," Philip inserted with a playful shrug.

You snorted at the comment, against your will. "You do not," you reprimanded with an eye roll. "And please never refer to my mother as 'mommy' again," you added after a second thought. Philip burst out in laughter as Theodosia gave the two of you unimpressed glares.

Determined to continue with the speech you were sure Theodosia already had planned, she held Alexander's eyes and continued. "We'll get more into detail as the meeting gets more in depth, but right now the basics you'll need to know are we're a network of dedicated volunteers throughout the sector planning and executing various actions to keep the civilians of this sector safe from the tyrannical rule of Lady Aremine. Philip, John, Y/N, and I started up CP five years ago when the war broke out. We meet once a month in this room after the monthly sector meeting to plan any upcoming retaliations we'll have to execute against the Lady's commands."

You could see all the questions swarming in his mind, and the three of you waited patiently for one to surface.

"If you're an Anti-Aremine group, why do you meet under her roof? Couldn't she be spying on us?" he finally asked perplexed.

"Mother would become suspicious if I left the house once a month; however, the four of us already were meeting after every sector meeting for lunch, so we just converted those lunches into our meetings," you explained carefully. "As for being spied on, this room used to be a command room for the generals in their wars. The general who designed the house-Lady Erinne-made sure to secure every nook and cranny of this room to ensure spying was entirely impossible. The room was redesigned a few generations ago when a new command room was installed in the basement."

Alexander stared at you in awe; a slight blush greeted your skin as you looked down nervously.

"Y/N can explain a lot of the gritty details of CP to you later," Philip pushed into the conversation gently, more serious this time. "She's the actual founder of the group as she came to the rest of us with the idea, and she's the one who makes most of what we do possible. She'll make sure you're caught up to speed. But right now, Y/N, we need to discuss the negotiations," Philip informed you seriously. You sighed.

You paused for a moment, gathering yourself before asking the inevitable question that would ruin your day. "What are the other sectors saying?" you finally spoke, dreading the answer. You tried your best to ignore the incredulous eyes boring into the side of your face beside you.

Philip grimaced, looking down at the sheet in his hands. "Nothing good. They think it's a ludicrous plan and we'll never be able to pull through it. The sector that pulls the most weight with the other sectors is Dmere. If we get them, we'll get the rest of them... probably. But the only way Dmere will even consider agreeing is if there's a transfer of power."

You sucked in a sharp breath. You had been afraid of that. You felt three pairs of eyes watch you carefully. "Did you explain that we can't promise that?" you asked softly.

"I did, but they said we could promise it if we really wanted to," Philip informed you regretfully.

You clenched your eyes shut and tapped your fingers on the table, trying to think. There had to be another solution, right? But any solutions eluded you. Eventually you opened your eyes and took a cautious side glance at Alexander. No real reason existed for you to trust his opinion as much as you did, but you found yourself needing it anyways. You raised your eyebrows at him, and he shook his head lost.

"I don't know what we're talking about," he confessed, and you gave him a soft smile.

"It's a negotiation with all the other sectors to cease fire on the war without my mother's knowledge," you explained slowly. Alexander's eyes widened.

"You can do that?" he asked in awe, and you grimaced.

"Apparently not with my mother still in power," you muttered. You tried to take a few calming breaths, but Theodosia interrupted you.

"Y/N, I know you don't want to consider it, but-"

You slammed your fist down on the table, startling everyone. "I will not kill my mother," you growled. Everyone sat stoic, watching you with alarm. "I established that clear at the beginning of CP. We will not assassinate her to win. We will always find another way."

Philip and Theodosia shared a wary glance, and then they both finally nodded somberly, knowing it was useless to argue with you. You closed your eyes and steadied your breathing.

"Tell them I'll need two years," you finally instructed, opening your eyes and meeting Philip's. "If they give me two years of a silent cease fire, I can promise them a new leader of this sector." You gritted your teeth and avoided all three sets of wide eyes staring at you. Finally, Philip cleared his throat.

"Okay," he said softly, shooting you a questioning look, but you were still pointedly staring at the table.

With a sigh, you opened the folder in front of you. "Where are we on last month's mage relocations?" you asked in a forced neutral tone. This time it was Theodosia who responded.

"All of them safely relocated and settled in neighboring sectors. Which reminds me, our Yarrick sector correspondent has suggested that they're close to capacity limit on refugees at the moment. Tiln and Wehj have offered safe passage of refugees, so we just need to work out an altered plan to start shuttling them to those sectors instead."

You nodded briefly, unconcerned. Revamping the relocation procedure slightly shouldn't be any problem. "Tell Yarrick that we appreciate their open doors and cooperation," you noted, and Theodosia nodded, writing the message down.

Alexander stared incredulously at you, and you furrowed your eyebrows. "You guys relocate mages before she can get to them?" he asked in awe.

You shook your head slightly. "We try to do that, but a lot of times there in such good hiding from her, we can't find them. So instead we let them come to us," you explained with a shrug.

"You let them come to us?" Alexander repeated, confused.

"Alexander, how many mages do you think Aremine has sentenced to death in the past five years?" Philip asked intrigued.

Alexander contemplated the question. "I don't know. Two hundred?"

"Three hundred and twelve," Philip answered, with a shake of the head. "Now how many of those mages do you think died?"

"Three hundred and six," Alexander responded. You smiled slightly that he didn't count his six from the sector meeting two months ago.

Philip looked Alexander directly in the eye and deadpanned, "Three."

Alexander gawked at the number and began scrambling for words. "But-but… How?"

Philip smirked in satisfaction at Alexander's reaction and leaned back in his chair. Shrugging his shoulders, he shot Alexander a mischievous smile. "What can I say?" Philip bragged rightfully. "I'm good at what I do."

"What he means is," you cut in, slightly more serious, "Philip heads our mage rescues. He leads a small team of now highly trained operatives to fake convicted mages' deaths and safely relocate them to the neighboring sectors." Alexander's mouth hung slightly open as he studied you silently under your slight blush. "I don't really know more about that operation than that. Philip likes to keep what he does quiet." You trailed off at the end of your statement, not wanting to disclose the reason for Philip's secrecy to Alexander.

Philip's gaze met yours, understanding your hesitancy, or at least part of it. "It's just a precaution in case the worst happens. I've found the less the people I'm saving know, the easier it is for me to believably pull off the operation," he explained to Alexander softly. You felt Alexander's eyes wildly search your expression as you steadily gazed at the files in your folder pointedly. You knew Alexander had just realized two important things.

The first was Philip wouldn't disclose information on his mage rescues with you because he was afraid he would have to perform one for you if Lady Aremine ever decided to get rid of you.

The second was Alexander was the only one who knew your mother had already tried to get rid of you.

Ignoring the heat in your cheeks, you desperately scrambled to change the subject before Alexander gave your secret away.

"Theodosia heads our letters force," you stated steadily, not making eye contact with the man next to you. "Her and a widespread dedicated team visit each of our soldiers before heading off to war in private. In the meetings, the new recruits are given time to write a letter to their family, which is subsequently turned into Theodosia's team. Our main inside man at the war front keeps careful track of the soldiers we lose. Every week, we get an updated list of the men who gave their lives. It is then that we give the letter to the family, to always have something for them to remember by."

"The trick is," Theodosia cut in with a solemn tone, "Lady Aremine has all outgoing letters from the war burned upon departure from their camps. She can't risk the people finding out about how much we're losing, which means family's can't learn how many of their sons have died. The letter system is in place to offer closure to the families."

Alexander looked as if he mouth was dry, trying to form any words. You realized that this all might be overwhelming at one time. Maybe you should have introduced him to CP in smaller steps, so-

"But what if Lady Aremine discovers families are getting letters? Wouldn't she know then that something was up?" Alexander asked with a burning curiosity. Theodosia was right; it would take no time at all for Alexander to become consumed by this organization.

Theodosia shot him a smug smile and a pointed look towards you. "Oh, she would be livid if she found out. Luckily, however, she won't. It's pretty complicated process, and by the look you're giving me right now, you don't believe me, but trust me. Y/N came up with this at the start of CP, and it's never failed. Essentially, Lady Aremine is incredibly vain and is hyperly aware of her lack of support throughout the sector; however, instead of caring about what people think of her, she punishes them. Both Aremine supporters and challengers fight in her war. The difference is supporters volunteer and challengers are drafted. All men drafted to the war are unchosen sons of Aremine challengers' households, which essentially is the majority of the sector.

"These families hate Aremine as much as you or I. So we've implemented a system-a code of means. When we receive a name, we visit the house and leave a symbol on a pebble outside their door. The next day, another pebble will be there with one of two symbols: a symbol that tells us we're free to approach the family or a symbol that tells us Aremine supporters are in the area and we need to wait to visit them. When we receive the first symbol, we approach the family with their letter and instructions not to tell anyone. The plan works so smoothly, it's astounding. One of the many reminders that we're all in this against Aremine. And that Y/N is a genius."

You shifted uncomfortably. "You're giving me too much credit, Theodosia. It was a gamble to trust our whole operation on those people not talking. A long shot. But I just trust people," you admitted, your lips pressed in a straight line.

"Well, your long shot idea has kept families' connected to their loved ones for five years, so I think I'm giving plenty of credit where it's due," Theodosia commented with finality. You kept your lips tight and once again avoided eye contact with everyone. Philip and Theodosia were making you out to be a lot better than you were. All you had done is grown up to think like your mother, and learned how to counterattack from there. Anyone in your position would have been able to do the same.

"As much as I would love to stay and just discuss different protections we could implement with you, Alexander, I'm afraid Theodosia and I must be off," Philip cut in, regrettably. "The wedding's in a year and Lady Schuyler's tailor is meeting us today. I am, however, incredibly excited to see what you bring to CP. Just from what I've seen from you in Lady Aremine's meetings, I think you'll become an asset." Alexander bit back a smile at the compliment as Philip stood with the corners of his lips tugged slightly upwards.

Theodosia stood after him; you could visibly see her change from Theodosia the Protector to Theodosia the Friend as she distanced herself from the meeting table.

"Wish me luck," Theodosia playfully requested with a sparkle in her eye. "Lady Schuyler always tries to put me in colors suiting her pale complexion that look atrocious on me. I would give anything for a blue gown from her." An amused smile continued to play at her lips as you smirked in return. Theodosia's arm latched gently into Philip's; with a soft wave, they dismissed themselves and left you alone with the man beside you.

As the door shut behind your friends, you purposefully began busying yourself with the papers in the folder and pointedly avoided Alexander's obvious gaze. Your insides began inverting, and you wished with all your heart to be back huddled in your bed. The two of you obviously needed to talk, but you had nothing to say. Or too much to say. You couldn't be sure.

"I'm sorry," Alexander finally stated, shattering the silence. You froze and shot your eyes up to his, confused.

As your eyebrows furrowed, you asked, "For what?" A small part of you knew what you feared he was apologizing for. And as horrible as the entire situation was, you didn't think you could bear it if he regretted the kiss. As stupid and reckless as it sounded, you couldn't bring yourself to regret the previous night for the reasons you should.

"I accused you of not doing anything, of being a sell out," he admitted ashamed, avoiding your wide eyes. "I shouldn't have… I should have known that you were already doing more than I could fathom. It was completely unfair of me. And I'm sorry, Y/N."

You stared at him sadly for a moment, watching as he gazed intently at his fidgeting thumbs. Your lips pressed together, ignoring the buzzing in your stomach.

Finally, a soft sigh escaped your lips. "There's no way you could have known, Alexander. I'm not harboring any hard feelings on the matter. And you- you weren't completely wrong. I can be a sell out." You bit your lip as it was your turn to avoid eye contact.

"You're not a sell out," Alexander's voice rang out forcibly. Your eyes squeezed shut as you let out a shuddering breath; opening them cautiously, your hopeful eyes searched Alexander's determined ones.

A small smile turned at the corner of your lips as you took in your new ally. "Thank you, Alexander," you whispered.

There were a few beats of unfilled silence before Alexander asked you something you knew had been eating away at him.

"Y/N, why didn't you tell Philip and Theodosia your mother was behind our abduction?" he inquired, concerned. You sucked in a breath and began fidgeting.

Shooting Alexander an unconvincing smile, you shrugged. "I just don't want them to be worried about me," you explained, trying to keep your voice light. But Alexander just stared at you like he was trying to figure you out.

"They should be worried about you," he deadpanned. You grimaced, knowing he was right.

Shifting in your seat and downcasting your eyes, you struggled to find the words you needed to explain. "Philip and Theodosia… They try to understand what it's like to have Aremine as a mother, but they just can't… All those people out there being threatened and dying because of my mother? It's my responsibility to save them. If Philip and Theodosia discovered how close my mother got to disposing of me… Everything I've worked for to correct my mother's horrors would be over. They would expose CP and use all of their resources to help me."

"Saving the world doesn't solely rest on your shoulder's," Alexander reasoned with you, a hint of frustration slipping into his voice. "Maybe Philip and Theodosia should save you, since you seem so adamant against saving yourself."

You sighed. "Alexander, my mother puts people in danger every day. Even if they saved me, I would still be in danger. She would hunt me down. At least here I can help the others," you argued softly, the passion in your voice demanding Alexander respect your position. "Either they save me, or I save hundreds, even thousands. I'm not special or important enough to be considered in the grand scheme of things."

"I think that depends on who you ask," he murmured softly, his intense gaze warming your cheeks.

You both sat like that for a bit, waiting to see if either of you would speak again. You were relieved Alexander had decided to let the issue go, but you were still a bit shaken by the note he had left the issue on. Turning back and grabbing your folder, you made a motion to stand. Alexander merely gazed at you from his sitting position. "Come on," you chided him softly.

Your voice snapped him back into the present as he stood readily. Almost as if out of instinct, his hand ghosted yours, like he intended to interlock fingers. Noticing his mistake, however, his hand quickly drifted from yours, and your mind released a sigh of relief. The two of you walked in silence towards the door.

As you reached out to open the door, Alexander inhaled sharply.

"We should talk about it," he garbled, trying to speak too fast.

You froze with your hand on the doorknob and your back to him. A small part of you had hoped he would let it go. But you knew he was right. You needed to talk about it.

You needed to set boundaries.

With a regretful sigh, you turned around and met Alexander's wild eyes.

"We don't get drunk around each other ever again," you stated with finality. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as you raised yours. "That's rule number one."

He shook his head and held his hand up to stop you. "Rule number one?"

"If you're going to be in CP, we're going to have to be around each other a lot," you explained, trying to keep your voice even. But one glance at the look painted on his face, and you broke. "Plus, I want us to be friends, Alexander. All of this would just be easier if we were friends, right?" Your eyes pleaded with his that this nonsense you were telling yourself somehow made sense.

Alexander considered you for a moment, licking his dry lips. Then averting his eyes and uncomfortably shifting his hand to the back of his neck, he nodded. "Yeah, that would be- that would probably be the easiest."

You pursed your tightened lips and nodded stiffly. "Okay," you confirmed, slightly relieved. "So rules. No getting drunk around each other. No going to the roof together. No touching each other."

Alexander snorted at this, and you frowned. "Let me guess, no whispering anything inappropriate to you as you pass down the hallway? No playing footsie with you during family dinner? No sleeping in your bed?"

Your eyes narrowed at his joke as you tried to maintain the blush that was now invading your cheeks. "Well," you started with a snarky inflection in your voice. "I wasn't going to make the last one a rule, but if you insist." You let the sentence fade away as you rolled your eyes and shrugged your shoulders.

Alexander let out a small laugh at this, his eyes glowing, you couldn't help but notice. "Okay, but really Y/N, give me some real rules here. Some real boundaries," he inquired, suddenly becoming sincere.

You were caught off guard. "I- I did," you responded, with a slightly defensive tone.

"No," he countered gently. "You gave me obvious things we shouldn't do. I mean, what could I do that would make you uncomfortable? We both laid our feelings out there last night, Y/N. Bethany's your sister and it was unreasonable for me to put that much on you. What can I do to make it up to you? What can I do to make this easier?"

"You can stop being so damn caring," you quipped without thinking. Your face burned redder than before as Alexander let out a short bark of laughter. "I'm serious," you demanded, beginning to giggle a bit yourself. "It's a lot easier on me when you're an ass."

An amused smile broke out on Alexander's face before he playfully wiped it off and became incredibly serious. "Right, okay. I think I'm going to set up a stand in between our rooms, and every time you pass, I'll hand out personal insults."

You giggled more at the serious offer Alexander made and shook your head. "I think just glaring at me at the dinner table will suffice," you countered.

His face once again relaxed into his all too familiar smirk. Your lips turned upwards at the corners in response. But there was a worry behind your eyes that neither of you could miss.

"We can do this, right?" you asked anxiously. "We can be friends without messing this up more than we already have?"

Alexander studied you sadly before taking a deep breath and blinding you with that smile.

"Hey, what could go wrong? We've got rules to follow."


It took exactly three and a half weeks to break (almost) all of your rules.

As it turns out, neither you nor Alexander are very good at self-discipline.

The first week passed with no incidents, as you both were incredibly careful around each other. But as the two of you became closer and naturally slipped into a strongly bonded friendship, the care and control slowly slipped away.

It started off accidental. Alexander didn't realize you were already on the rooftop, and so he unknowingly joined you one day halfway through the second week. He immediately turned to leave you, but at the time, it seemed silly that the two of you couldn't share a rooftop. You were, after all, friends. So you beckoned him back.

Three days later, neither of you decided to approach the fact that your hands had naturally gravitated towards each other's and clasped while you were walking through the orchard. Actually, at that moment, it seemed more pressing for the two of you to continue discussing CP's negotiations with the surrounding sectors than how comfortably your hands fit together.

A few nights later, your foot accidentally brushed against Alexander's at the dinner table as Bethany spoke adamantly about Peggy's upcoming birthday ball. Before your eyes could apologize, Alexander smirked and gently kicked your foot. Your apology turned into a glare as you bit your cheek and periodically brushed your feet against Alexander's in response to his touches throughout the dinner.

The following week, you passed Alexander on the way to your room. Just the sight of him caused a light smirk to automatically appear anymore. Seeing yours, Alexander's face lit up into his own mischievous smirk. As you passed him, he whispered, "You wouldn't be smirking if you knew what I was thinking about."

Your face immediately flushed, and you whipped around angrily. But Alexander was already nonchalantly strolling down the hallway with his back to you. With a huff and a shake of your head, you continued on towards your room.

And somehow, later that week, you found yourself sitting at a bar in town with the most infuriating and infatuating man.

Bethany had begged the two of you to join her downtown to meet up with her friends for the Autumn Festival. Angela had pulled Bethany away to an "exclusive" party for their friends. Alexander and you had protested about being separated, but Bethany merely shot you both an apologetic look and shouted a suggestion that the two of you wait for her in the bar.

It didn't take long for you to become buzzed or for the bartender to notice the tense silence between you and your company. The more alcohol the two of you consumed, the less your eyes met. You clenched your eyes shut and damned everything.

Damn Bethany for leaving you with Alexander. Damn the weather for raining and forcing you into the only shelter available. Damn the said shelter for requiring you to buy alcohol to remain in the facility. But most importantly, damn Alexander.

"What were you thinking about?" you slurred, awkwardly breaking the silence. You opened your eyes and met Alexander's confused ones. "When you passed me in the hall the other day. What were you thinking about?"

Alexander shook his head and finished off his mug. "Is it one of your questions?" he asked, almost mockingly. You begrudgingly shook your head, willing to trust Alexander this time. "Then I'm not telling you," he replied, looking pointedly at you dead in the eye and pushing his mug forward to signal a refill.

You sighed and stared at your half full glass. "Why don't you just do it?" you asked, a neutral tone to the slurred words. You noticed Alexander's head perk up at your words, but you refused to meet his eyes. "I don't think it's a wellkept secret the two of us wish to kiss again, so why don't you just…" You sentence trailed off suggestively, as you waved your arm in a circle in hopes to distract from the tears building in the corners of your eyes.

Alexander studied you for a long time before responding. "I think it would be a clear violation of the rules," he tried to point out lightly, but one glance at the heavy look in his eyes as he gazed at you revealed his true feelings.

You scoffed with a short laugh, and took a sip of the bitter beer. "I think we've sufficiently shot the rules to hell," you countered, pointedly raising your eyebrows.

He smirked, and then morphed his expression into a serious gaze, shaking his head. "I haven't slept in your bed," he reminded you playfully.

"Do you want to?" you asked. In your intoxicated state, the retort came out a bit more serious than the lighthearted one you were shooting for. Both of your cheeks immediately flushed with a dark red as you avoided each other's eyes. "I should stop drinking," you mumbled, embarrassed.

A large hand gently tugged at your arm, and you turned to see a sympathetic Alexander pulling you from the bar. "I'll make sure Bethany has a ride home, and then we can go," he explained softly, and you nodded numbly in agreement.

By the time you had waited in the carriage for Alexander to make arrangements for Bethany and journeyed home, you were regrettably sober. And by the look in Alexander's eyes, so was he.

Neither of you said anything as you walked to your hallway. But instead of turning off into his room, Alexander followed you into your room and shut the door behind him. Sighing, you untied your cloak and kept your back to him.

"Alexander, do we have to do this now?" you asked impatiently. But you knew the impatient tone was a mere side effect of how hopeless you felt in that moment.

"Yes," he responded with a finality. You turned around slowly to meet his gaze. "We have to do this now. We should have done this weeks ago. Y/N: What are we doing?"

You considered Alexander for a long time before taking a deep breath. "I'm selfish," you stated. Alexander's eyebrows furrowed, but you held up a hand and shook your head so you could continue. "Not in a cute 'I take care of myself' way. In a 'I won't let anyone borrow my books' way. In a 'I count how much of my favorite foods I have even though I would have plenty if someone took some but I'll still make an uncalled for ordeal about it if you do take some' way. In a 'I would talk all day about myself if anyone allowed me to' way. And beyond that, I'm manipulative. If anyone-even loved ones-make me feel threatened, I know exactly how to make them feel like they're the ones with problems, when most of the time it is me. I'll start petty fights for no reason. I'm a compulsive liar because I feel like it keeps Bethany safe. I always-"

"Y/N!" Alexander all but shouted to stop you from talking. The look in his eyes was almost one of fear. "What are you doing?"

You sighed and hung your shoulders defeated, your eyes suddenly becoming dismal. "I- I'm giving you all the reasons you shouldn't look at me that way," you stated simply.

His breath caught as his eyes narrowed. After a few beats, he finally spoke.

"You know there's almost nothing you could tell me that could stop me," he argued gently. You shook your head and shook back the tears.

Pressing your hands to your forehead, you tried to hold yourself together. "I can't let you do this to yourself, Alexander. I already brought you into my mother's line of fire with CP and to add this on top of it-"

"You shouldn't be scared of your mother," Alexander blurted, looking like he immediately regretted the words.

Your eyes narrowed in a deadly manner. "What are you talking about?" you demanded. You were not going to have this fight with him again.

Alexander shifted uncomfortably and avoided eye contact. "I- I, um… I may have threatened your mother," he admitted regretfully. The blood drained out of your body.

"You what?" you questioned breathlessly, suddenly feeling lightheaded. Your mind quickly swept through all the things your mother wouldn't hesitate to do to someone who threatened her. Each one turned your stomach more than the next. How could Alexander be so… so… reckless?

"Y/N, it's really not as bad as it sounds," he attempted to reason with you, but he put up his hands defensively when you glared at him. "It- it was almost six months ago."

You froze. Six months ago would have been right after you'd escaped. Your mouth tried to form a question, but Alexander quipped an answer to the unvoiced inquiries.

"I simply told her I knew about your powers, I was Bethany's only Choice so she can't get rid of me, and if she ever hurts you or tries to get rid of you again, I would tell the entire world exactly what she'd done," Alexander explained quickly. When he was done, he watched you carefully, breathless. Waiting for some type of reaction.

But you merely stood staring at him dumbfounded. He went up against your mother for you. He threatened your mother for you. Even when the two of you seemingly hated each other, he still did it for you.

Find someone who defends you and know I am happy for you.

John's words seared through your mind, as you blinked and snapped back to reality. The look in Alexander's eyes overwhelmed you as small streams began eroding your cheeks. Burying your face in your hands, you took a few deep shuddering breaths in an attempt to calm yourself.

"Y/N?" Alexander asked softly, a slight fear in his voice that what he had done had upset you.

But instead of responding, you shook your head and looked up at him with a bitter smile. He watched as your light steps made their way towards him, and without pausing for a moment, you gently tugged his head towards yours.

This kiss was different than your first one. It wasn't as wild or frenzied, but rather his soft lips comforted yours. His hands wrapped around your waist and held you securely, as your body began shaking because of your sobs.

You gently broke the kiss shortly after it began, and lowered your eyes quickly. "I'm sorry," you mumbled, tears still streaming as the sobs erupted and Alexander pulled you into his chest.

You had waited years for anyone John thought was out there for you. And you finally found the only person crazy or stupid or brave enough to face down your mother for you, and he was the one person it was an impossibility to be with. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair.

"I know," Alexander whispered, and you realized you had been whispering to yourself.

Meekly, you pulled back from Alexander's embrace. Your eyes met his and you set your jaw determinedly.

"Considering everything, it's incredibly reckless and honestly impossible for us to do this, but," you trailed off, lowering your eyes.

Gently, Alexander's hand pulled your chin back up so your eyes would stay with his. They pleaded with you, and you bit your cheek to hide the second round of tears building up.

"Y/N, please. Just- What are we doing?" he begged an answer from you.

With a sigh, you relented. "But I can't not do this. I can't not be with you," you admitted softly. His lips pressed softly against yours at your response, and you smiled sadly at him as he pulled away.

"And the rest of this?" he asked, gesturing broadly to the two of yours gigantic piles of problems.

You formed a tight line with your lips and sighed. "We just figure it out as we go," you finally conceded. "And if one of us wants out, we're out. We both have to be willing to risk it at all times."

Alexander nodded solemnly in agreement, and you suddenly had the sensation of an outer body experience. How did you get here? Why were you doing this?

And then Alexander gave you that soft smile, and a small peck on the cheek, and you knew you were doomed from the beginning. You had always been doomed.

As Alexander turned and walked from your room, you sighed.

At least he didn't sleep in your bed.