Disclaimer: The following is a fan-written parody. Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi, Studio Deen, Shogakukan, Viz Media, and Madman Entertainment. Support the official release, okay?
Senpai
A Ranma ½ Story
|Coming atcha like a Dark Horse|
When Nabiki and Akane came home, they found Soun was more emotional than usual, clutching in his hands a postcard from China stamped posted in the last couple of days. Kasumi, on the other hand, was looking uncharacteristically distressed by something–presumably the contents of the postcard.
Nabiki could smell bullshit in the air like a shark could smell blood in the water, and she was already mentally preparing herself for some real bullshit. "Okay, what happened?"
Kasumi looked to her younger sisters. "Well, um…"
"Girls… a truly happy day has come!" Soun declared. "This day, the day where I will get to introduce one of you to your fiancé!"
Nabiki wasn't prepared for that. "Say what?"
Neither was Akane. "A fiancé?"
"So I wasn't caught in a momentary delusion where Daddy was acting like this was the 19th Century," Nabiki said before she let out a sigh. "Disappointed."
Soun, wiping his tears on the sleeve of his gi, set down his postcard. "Yes. The son of a good friend of mine, the son's name is Ranma Saotome. Years ago, before any of you were born, we made a promise to one day join our schools together."
"Was it a man-to-man honor agreement?" Nabiki asked.
"Correct!" Soun said proudly.
"Oh fuck me," Nabiki muttered.
"This is so stupid," Akane whispered.
Soun didn't hear that. "If one of you three were to marry him and carry on this dojo, then the legacy of the Tendo Family will be secure."
"What, the dojo that you don't even actively teach students in?" Nabiki asked, and Soun looked physically harmed by the verbal jab.
Kasumi gave Nabiki a look. "Don't be mean."
It was true, though.
"Don't we have a say in who we marry?" Akane asked, somewhat more subdued in her objections.
Kasumi was in full agreement. "That's right father, it's our lives here."
Nabiki voiced her own protests. "Yeah, if they're friends of yours, they're probably too poor to afford dirt."
Akane didn't let that pass without comment. "Nabiki! Is that really the only thing you care about?"
"Well excuuuuuse me for not wanting to worry about bills or food or anything like that." Nabiki snapped back.
The practicality of the answer even stunned Soun for a second.
"Nabiki..." Akane said, somewhat respecting her older sister.
"And, you know, being able to spoil myself a little too." Nabiki couldn't resist adding.
"And there goes the respect." Akane thought bitterly, a sour look on her face.
"Well, we do all have our concerns. Today's economy isn't exactly inviting to the Art or single income households." Kasumi decided to diffuse the situation between her sisters before it could escalate. It would not do for them to be arguing, still, when the Saotomes arrived.
"Nonsense! There will always be an interest in the martial arts. You needn't be too concerned," Soun reassured his daughters, eager to calm down Akane and Nabiki's tensions as well. "And also, you'll have a chance to meet Ranma before any of you decide which of you will marry him."
Though he knew in his mind it would most likely be Akane in the end, because she was the only martial artist of his daughters, and Nabiki and Kasumi would almost certainly throw their youngest sibling under the bus to avoid getting hitched to it.
In which, case Akane would have to learn how to lift buses. Fast.
"So, what's this Ranma guy like?" Akane asked.
"Is he cute? Is he ripped?" Nabiki could put a bag over the head if not the former, but if he wasn't rocking at least a four-pack then it was a deal-breaker.
"He's not a little boy, is he? I like older men," Kasumi insisted.
"Way older," Nabiki murmured with an edge of disgust.
Akane shot Nabiki a glare that would make a solid brick wall back off. Nabiki didn't budge an inch, and instead coolly examined her fingernails.
"I don't know. Never met the boy."
All three sisters fell dead silent for a moment and looked at their father as if he had spontaneously been replaced with a talking, dancing radish. Then, while he sheepishly laughed off his ignorance, Kasumi stepped forward, gently wrapped her delicate fingers around his lapels and lifted him into the air while smiling oh, so sweetly at him.
"Father, could you please elaborate on that?" Kasumi asked, projecting an angelic aura that was as tall as the house they were standing in–standing on its side. "I do not think I understood what you were saying correctly."
"Oh, it's really nothing complicated," Soun obliviously said. "I've simply arranged for one of you to marry a boy when the only things I know about him are his name, and that he's the son of my best and dearest friend, who I have not seen in the better part of ten or so years."
"I see. So that is how it is," Kasumi calmly, oh so calmly said. The serene smile on her face widened just a touch. "Thank you for clarifying, father dearest."
Akane and Nabiki both scooted away from the eldest sister, wary of the frightening presence they felt from her, before the sound of people talking among themselves caught their attention. The moment they looked towards the door, a traffic officer stepped up to the open patio door of the sitting room, and out of the pelting rain.
"A cop?" Nabiki asked, turning her bemusement from on Kasumi to this development.
"Is something the matter, officer?" Soun asked. Kasumi gently put him down.
The officer scanned the confused family. "Ah, is this the Tendo residence?"
"Yes, what is it? Has something happened?" Soun now demanded.
The officer nodded. "Oh, good. We've found something that belongs to you, apparently."
He looked towards the front of the house, just outside their field of view. "Well, it claims it belongs to you."
Soun, now quite baffled, stepped onto the patio to afford a better view. Seeing a giant panda surrounded by a dozen police officers while waving a sign gently in its paw did not help his confusion. It didn't help Akane, Nabiki, and Kasumi's either, when they peered out to look.
"Is… is that a fucking panda?" Akane murmured.
"I swear to Christ if this is Ranma…" Nabiki whispered. Then repeated it louder when her mind fully digested that possibility.
"I… Don't have a pet… hrm?"
The panda itself was waving around a sign. "Hello Tendo! It's been a long time. Hot water?"
"Father?" Kasumi said, resting her hand on Soun's shoulder. "I don't think you elaborated enough after all."
A/N: Oh boy.
