I'm back! Back in the country, anyway. I have been back for a while now, but it's just been hard getting back into it. Today was both my third day back at work since my last holiday and my last day of work for this year... Tough life! I'm just updating in between some last minute packing before I head off again tomorrow.
Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter. Sorry if I'm only just getting back to you today. I've been using 'I just got back from holiday' as an excuse for as longggg as I can... :P
Ooh, in other news, I have started a couple of new stories recently to quench my thirst for creative writing since I've finished writing the Far From Perfection trilogy. Don't worry, this story still has over 20 chapters that are ready and waiting to be posted. BUT, if you have ever dabbled in or if you ever have any interest in dabbling in the 'Gilmore Girls' or 'Now You See Me' fandoms, I have started a stories called 'Piece By Piece' and 'The Jack, The Queen and Their Ace of Hearts', by the way...
Keep well guys!
Chapter Nine: A Lifetime Piling Up
Bella is set up on her dining table, working productively to make the most of her time without her daughter whom requires the majority of her attention when under her care.
Working away on her laptop, Bella's internet session is riddled with tabs, webpage's and searches:
Spring weddings.
Wedding trends 2017.
How many guests are too many?
Honeymoon destinations.
Best florists Gold Coast.
Do you take your kid on your honeymoon?
Weddings and problem relatives.
And lastly, the tab she is avoiding.
What to know about melanoma?
As she glances at the 'M' word once again, Bella's chest constricts and her stomach plummets from within her, all over again. There's a good reason why she's avoiding that information.
Quickly she presses the little 'X' beside the internet page she wants to face the least, wishing it is as easy to delete the issue from her and her fiancé's lives as it is to close an internet tab.
Instead of facing the hard reality, Bella goes back to her daydreams of planning her dream wedding, a day that represents happiness, hope and the future – everything she is holding onto, believing the second she accepts the cancerous diagnosis, she loses any chance of holding onto that.
... So, she doesn't.
Once again, she puts the reality of her life to the side and prepares to flee from any need to confront the overwhelming, but currently suppressed, prospect of what Will's cancer really means.
While some people think that planning a wedding is hard or challenging, it really is nothing compared to accepting the fact that your world has been turned upside down with knowing your partner's fighting cancer.
Later in the day, just as Bella has sorted and finalised a few aspects of the wedding planning, there is a knock at the door.
Although she is expecting her fiancé and daughter to come over soon, she knows that it is unlikely to be the father-daughter combination waiting at the door. Will and Allie aren't supposed to arrive for another hour or so and when they do, Bella knows that Will has a key to her place, eradicating the need to knock on the door.
Looking through the peep-hole of the door, Bella instantly opens it as soon as she sees the blonde curls –not even a face- on the other side of the door.
"Hey Rikki, how are you?" Bella greets as soon as she opens her front door.
Seeing the smile on her face, Rikki is almost a little set back by her friend. She expected tears. She expected depression. She expected anything other than her friend to appear as though life is peachy.
"Bella. Hi. How are you?"
"I'm good. Come on in. And how are you?"
Moving away from the door, Bella moves through to the kitchen and turns the kettle on (although there is not much need), while Rikki trails a few steps behind before the two take a seat together on Bella's lounge suite.
"Um, yeah, I'm okay too."
Bella smiles expectantly at her friend, almost as though she is waiting for a reason as to why she is acting so oddly, or as though she waits for her friend to provide a reason behind her unanticipated and unplanned visit.
However, a brief silence ensues between the two, with neither girl acting as the other is expecting them to.
"So, um, I came to see how you are going. Will told me about the cancer... I'm really sorry, Bella" Rikki finally says, explaining the reason behind her visit.
Bella just nods. She hasn't quite worked out what to say in response to sympathy just yet. You can't really say 'oh that's okay' when it's really not and she has found it too odd, too accepting to just say a simple 'thank you'.
"So are you okay? How have you been going since you found out? You know that I'm here for you if there is absolutely anything that I can do for you or Will, or Allie too."
"Thank you. And I'm fine" Bella quickly replies with a gritted smile.
Seeing the force behind her friend's smile, suspecting there is more to it beyond her insistence that she is 'fine', Rikki decides to change the approach of her comfort, with the aim of helping her to get through the trial that has come upon two of her best friends.
"You know that you can do this, Bella. I'm sure that Will is going to be okay. You're one of the strongest people I know. You're strong enough for the both of you."
Despite her previous total calm, her previous facade and superimposed smile, Rikki's words set her friend off as her reaction reveals how Bella is really coping when she isn't preoccupied with compressing reality.
"No! No I'm not!" Bella hysterically replies, looking at her friend as though she is possessed. "I'm gutless Rikki! I'm completely gutless! I always have been! I took months to get away from Dan and now I refuse to accept that Will's got cancer!"
As soon as she has yelled her frustrations out and as soon as her reaction is off her chest, Bella is instantly filled with regret over her reaction which undoes all her effort at trying to persuade her friend that she really is okay.
"I'm sorry Rikki. I shouldn't have shouted. I've had a bit of a stressful day with a few issues to do with planning the wedding and all that. Do you think that we could meet up a bit later or tomorrow instead? I'm not really in the right head-space for company."
Rikki is more than a little set back. While she knows that her friend can get fired up and become adamant when she's insistent, she always knows how to control herself; a trait which Rikki admires. However, Bella's little crumble defies her usual controlled reaction in situations. Not to mention, she has never known Bella to not want company and even more so, not wanting to talk.
However, Rikki doesn't question it, fearing her visit and her attempt at comforting her has already done more harm than good.
"Alright, of course... Let me know when you're up for talking. Hang in there, Bella" Rikki says as she gives her friend's shoulder a comforting squeeze, before standing from the lounge and taking her leave, but not without making a mental note of how odd the visit had been...
"Hi mummy!" Allie giggles and beams, rushing inside the second that Will's key to Bella's apartment opens the door, allowing the five year old to race over to her mother.
Enveloping her child in a warm hug, Bella gives Allie an extra squeeze for her own personal comfort, for reasons that are well beyond her daughter's knowledge.
"Did you have a good time with dad?" Bella checks, pressing a kiss to Allie's hair before looking over to Will, knowing that he'd use the answer to silently convey his own response to the question too.
"I did! But hold on mummy. I've just got to check my room and make sure that my Barbies weren't mean to Mr Ted again" Allie announces seriously as though it is a very real threat and a very real issue. She releases herself from her mother's embrace and races off to her bedroom.
Watching her daughter run off happily, Bella simply releases a sigh as her heart breaks. Today, she and Will (mostly Will) had decided that they are going to try and explain the cancer in child terms to Allie.
Allie's at an age that she might not be able to fully conceive concepts and grasp the full understanding of difficult issues, but she is at an age where she is aware of change and she is aware of feelings – especially those of her parents. She might not be able to understand the cancer, but she will be able to notice it's impact on her family.
Neither parent wants to do it, but both parent knows that their daughter needs to be given a reason as to why her world will be changing over the next few months.
She needs to know why she might spend a bit more time with her mother than her father.
She needs to know why everyone might get a little bit sad and upset now and then.
She needs to know why her father is sick and that just because he might not be able to spend as much time with her as normal, it doesn't mean he loves her any less.
Will and Bella had borrowed a picture book from the library that is supposed to explain cancer best to children. They'd decided to make it a bit of a family afternoon, having Allie's favourite snacks beforehand and watching her favourite movie afterwards to soften the impact.
However, despite all of their plans and all of their intentions to tell their daughter, Bella finds herself frozen to the spot from the moment that Allie races off to check on her toys.
"We can't tell her, Will. She's just a little girl. I can't damage her carefree and happy childhood and shatter her world of innocence. I don't care how hard I have to try to keep things the same in front of her, but I'm willing to do it."
Will too had initially thought that it was for the best to at least try and warn Allie of the upcoming changes that will no doubt affect her life also. However, remembering the change in his best friend after explaining the same news to him and even more traumatically, Bella's reaction upon telling her, Will is opting for the option of not turning another loved one's world upside down. Most of all, not his little girl's, when he is supposed to be her hero.
Consequently, as soon as Bella calls quits on the idea, Will too finds himself not too far behind in backing the option to pike out.
"I think it's important to keep her spirits and innocence up for our sake, just as much as hers."
Will nods in both acknowledgement and agreement of Bella once again, before changing the course of the conversation to assess Bella herself.
"Okay, we won't say anything to Allie unless we really have to... What about you?"
Bella scrunches her face up in confusion at Will's abstract question.
"What do you mean? What about me?"
"The last time we spoke about the cancer, I didn't think that you'd really come to terms with it yet. So how about now? How are you feeling about it?"
Before Bella has the opportunity to reply, Will takes his fiancées hands in his own to hold onto her supportively as the two move a little closer together, hoping the closeness will help encourage her to answer more honestly.
"I'm fine about it, Will" Bella replies insistently, mustering up an attempt at a smile to try and convince her partner of her words.
However, as Bella should expect, Will sees straight through her facade, not only in her words, but also by reading what her face tells him. Looking closely at his fiancé, once again he doesn't see any emotion, any fear. Bella's eyes are just blank and devoid from emotion about the issue.
"Bella... I know everyone copes in different ways, but are you sure that you've really faced this yet?"
"Yes! Like you said, everyone copes differently. You can't doubt that I'm not coping just because I'm trying to keep everything together for Allie!"
Will sighs and begins to protest, before their daughter comes racing out of her bedroom with delight on her face, interrupting her father in the process.
"Guess what?! The Barbies were nice to Mr. Ted this time! I think that they're going to be friends again."
Bella had sensed that a 'but' and a protest were coming from Will before Allie's interruption. With this in mind, she quickly changes the subject to direct the conversation elsewhere before Will finds an opportunity to return to what he had been meaning to say.
"So guys, do you want me to make you some lunch now?" Bella asks, effectively changing the subject as her daughter erupts into excitement at the mention of food; before changing her mind about what she feels like eating about seven times before Bella has even reached the kitchen.
However, while Bella's change of subject works for the most part, after his initial answer to her lunch question, Will utters one more single word regarding their previous conversation.
"Later..." Will says, sternly delivering a one-word warning, a reminder that he won't forget where the conversation abruptly ended and the fact that it needs to be revisited...
Despite everything that has been said with Will and despite everything that has been said with Rikki, Bella is still no closer to accepting, let alone facing, Will's cancerous diagnosis.
How is she supposed accept it? Accepting the fact that her fiancé, the love of her life, is fighting cancer seems like it will only make it real. It only means surrendering her unrealistic hopes to the harsh and heartbreaking reality of the situation.
How is she supposed to accept his diagnosis, knowing it means accepting the fact that she might lose him; that she might lose her perfect family?
Keeping it tucked away, hiding and denying the thought is easier than having to face it and the uphill battle that Bella knows the fight will bring with it...
For now, it is just easier to keep burying her head in the sand, focusing on the hope of a wedding and the prospect of a long life and happily ever after together instead.
Fun fact. I wrote this chapter SO long ago, that Bella's Google search 'wedding trends 2017' in the very beginning of the chapter was originally 'wedding trends 2015'. That's how long ago first wrote this chapter... :O
NEXT CHAPTER: Things go from bad to worse for Rikki and Zane as they continue to struggle. Then, Tam reveals her secret... It's a whopper! Any guesses what Tam's hiding?
I'll update when we hit around 130 reviews, but this may well be the last update for 2016. Maybe.
