"We should go back downstairs," Rachel said, pulling herself away. Quinn's neck was cold and wet where Rachel's head had been resting, and she wished Rachel would put her head back, if only to keep the spot warm. "I haven't made such a dramatic exit since my graduation party when Dad played the Revival recording of Company instead of the Original Broadway Cast recording."
"Rachel, they'll understand," Quinn soothed. "They're your family and they love you. You don't need to martyr yourself for the sake of the party."
"I'm just so embarrassed. I've been telling everyone what a great relationship this is…was…and how happy I was and how things were going so well. I really thought she was the love of my life, Quinn. I really thought this was going to be forever. I don't want to start looking all over again. I just want to be as happy as you are. You have everything I want."
"Please Rachel, don't wish for that," Quinn whispered.
"But you have it so put together, so perfect-"
"You know, sometimes things just don't work out the way we expect them to. I never imagined that at 26 I'd have a 10 year old daughter living halfway across the country who has no idea who I am. I never thought that I would be married to my high school sweetheart and dread going to bed with him every night. Our dreams don't always manifest in the way we hope and I guess that disappointment is part of what shapes the way we find our future happiness."
"Aren't you happy now?" Rachel's voice quivered, as if she was afraid that her picture of the perfect future was about to crack.
"I don't know," she said for the first time out loud. "I really don't know. I just know that this friendship is, right now, the most fulfilling relationship in my life and that fact alone is terrifying."
They sat in the heavy silence that followed Quinn's admission for what felt like hours.
"Let's watch a movie," Rachel proposed, rising to her feet and smoothing out the wrinkles on the back of her dress. "When I'm sad I usually watch Funny Girl, but we can watch something else if you'd prefer. I'm afraid my selection is rather limited to movie musicals and teen comedies. My dads' haven't really had the heart to clean out my room since I moved away."
"Funny Girl's fine with me. I've never seen it."
"Are you serious?" Rachel exclaimed. The light was coming back in her eyes. "It's my favorite Streisand film, obviously. It's the story of an aspiring performer who can't find work in 1920s New York because she isn't conventionally attractive but her amazing voice and knack for comedic timing—along with a fiery spirit eventually lands her fame, fortune, and the man of her dreams. He lures her away from her work and they live in the lap of luxury until…well, I don't want to spoil all of it for you! I think you might recognize some of the numbers…"
"I'm sure you sang every one of them in high school. I would be shocked if I didn't know the lyrics by heart."
It might have been her imagination, but Quinn was almost certain she saw Rachel blush.
Rachel opened her laptop and slid in the disc and the film flickered to life as Quinn flicked the light switch. They sat together at the head of Rachel's bed against the mountain of pillows behind them. It struck Quinn that this is what life would have been like if they had been friends in high school—sitting in Rachel's room on a Saturday night watching movies and talking. It wouldn't have been half bad.
"She's a lot like you, you know," Quinn mentioned as Barbra's final note gave way to the Intermission screen. "Just so fiercely going after what she wants no matter what stands in her way. I always envied that about you. It made my life hell in high school but I was always so jealous of your tenacity—even when you were using it to steal my boyfriend."
She didn't expect that laugh that fell from Rachel's lips. "Really? Not that it's my first time being compared to Fanny Brice, but that comparison coming from you is unexpected to say the least."
Quinn shrugged as the movie roared back to life. But then Barbra started to sing about wanting to marry Nick Arnstein and how happy she is to be married and what a joy it is to finally be "Sadie Sadie married lady". She knew it was coming…when the tightness in her throat started to burn and her eyes began to sting she knew.
Quinn hated to cry. She was an ugly crier with skin that got blotchy and eyes that were quick to redden. She didn't weep gracefully or silently but raggedly with the force of the emotions she pent up day to day. She didn't want to cry in front of Rachel who had legitimate reason to hurt. As far as Rachel could see Quinn's life was ideal and Quinn didn't want to rob her of that illusion.
But when she felt the pressure of tears against her shut eyelids she could no longer hold it back.
"I'm not happy," she announced to the darkness. "I am not happy at all."
The dam broke. Quinn's tears fell like rain—a monsoon after a summer of drought.
"I hate being married. I hate it. I hate that I hate being married. I hate that I can't make myself love being a wife and I hate that I can't make myself love Finn and I hate how there's no way out. There's nothing I can do. I wanted to get out of Ohio and try something new and meet new people and be something more than this!" Quinn's body shakes with her sobs and this time it's Rachel who gathers Quinn into her arms. "I feel like an asshole because I know that this is the life you want—being married and everything—but I'm here, married, and it's terrible."
"It's not being married that makes you so unhappy, Quinn," Rachel murmurs. "It's to whom you're married. Do you love Finn?"
She cried harder when she realized the answer. "But it isn't his fault!" She cries. "He didn't do anything but love me and why can't I just return the favor?"
"You know it doesn't work like that, Quinn. Love isn't a favor you grant someone for playing the game the right way. Either you love someone or you don't and you can't help it."
It wasn't the first time the issue had weighed on Quinn's mind, but it was the first time she had allowed herself to voice them out loud. She couldn't bring her sadness into Brittany and Santana's home while they blissfully prepared for the birth of their child. She couldn't tell Kurt, who had loyalties to Quinn, but to Finn as a brother. She couldn't talk to her mother, who would never accept that Quinn's high school sweetheart could be anything but perfect.
"I don't want to be married, Rachel. Not to Finn. He's a great guy but it's just…I'm not in love with him and I've tried and tried and tried and I'm just…not."
"I know. I suspected something might be not quite right when you started sending me emails about how horrible he was in bed and doing whatever you could to avoid sleeping with him. When you talk about him you never sound…you never sound like you're radiating with happiness."
"I settled. I know I settled."
"Why did you settle?"
"Because it was easier than going into the world and finding something different. I've been with Finn for almost 10 years and I thought I would be happy with good enough."
"Quinn," Rachel said gently, laying her hand over Quinn's, "you deserve so much more than good enough." Her eyes met Quinn's and her small, soft hand cupped her cheek. "So, so much more."
Goosebumps covered Quinn's back as she leaned into Rachel's touch, eyes closed, drinking in the sensation of Rachel's fingers on her skin. She felt herself lean forward, drawn to the gentle affection. She lifted her chin, almost grazing Rachel's lips before the brunette politely pulled away.
"You're very vulnerable right now, Quinn. I don't want to take advantage of that fact by kissing you now, but believe me…I want to."
"I…" Quinn stammered, "I should probably go."
"No," Rachel argued. "You should probably stay. You're crying and hurting and confused. I think we should forget about what just happened, watch another movie, give each other pedicures or something, and have a girly slumber party."
"I don't know, Rachel. I think I should leave…I don't want to impose upon you any more than I have already. You're hurting and then I made your pain all about me…"
"Quinn, that's how people bond. They share their pain. And you know what? It would be more hurtful if you left because then I would just be in here dwelling on things with Laura by myself. You're a perfect distraction. So now you have to stay." A grin spread across her face and Quinn couldn't refuse.
"Okay, I'll stay. But we need to watch a different movie."
"Deal."
They decided on Mean Girls instead.
"I'm sorry I was such a Regina George to you in high school, Rach," Quinn admitted, but Rachel was already sound asleep on her shoulder.
[A/N] I just wanted to thank you guys for your patience. I really hit a wall with this story and I am so insanely busy with other projects, as well as life, that I haven't been very attentive to this story. To be honest, I've been losing steam for Falling is Like This because it feels ooc to me and I'm not huge on writing fluff but I want to see this version of Faberry through to where I planned. I truly, truly appreciate your patience and am so appreciative that you read my work at all. I hope you enjoy where this story is going and that you have the chance to check out the other story I'm working on "In My Secret Life".
Again, thank you guys so much for your patience and your continued interest in this piece-your enthusiasm is really what motivates me to move this story along. :)
