Woohoo! I've now got Tomb Raider: Underworld on PS2! I know it's got loads of awful reviews, but I personally think it's brilliant. … if slightly short and easy.

Well anyway, as you know, here is the next chapter of my fanfic, 'Games'. And this one's going to be really violent. WOO!! YEAH!! … (cough, cough) uh, before we continue, I'd first like to welcome Oslaede6 to Fanfiction, and give a quick shout-out to Spyro fans. Here's the shout out…

READ SPARTAN-029'S FANFIC, 'Age of Heroes: Karma and Convexity'!!

And that's all I really have to say. Enjoy.

Spyromaster64

Chapter 9 - N64 Massacre

Adam's tongue stuck out slightly, getting dryer every second as he concentrated hard on his picture. Theo peered over.

"Nice dragoness," he commented.

"Thanks, it's supposed to be Cynder," Adam told him. He turned to Joe. "You know those 'binoculars' are actually for testing your eyes, right?" Joe spun around to face the other two, holding a small machine to his eyes.

"Haha, cool!" Joe laughed. "It says 'you need contact lenses!'" Adam slapped his forehead.

The three boys were stuck in the middle of Snowpoint. On camels. That were chewing gum. And were listening to MP3 players.

Joe's camel, which was wearing a gangster hood, didn't listen to a bloody thing he said to it. Theo's was seriously gay and so mentally retarded it didn't know the difference between a stick and an African elephant. Adam's was constantly collapsing and doing sheep and penguin impressions. Sometimes, it would do both at the same time, which sounded like… uh… well, it was very disturbing, to say the least.

"We need shelter. There's a village over there," Theo pointed out. Adam squinted as he peered through the snowy landscape and saw nothing but hills with windows and fat orange bowling balls.

As they neared, Adam cleared his throat. He announced to a fat orange bowling ball that was looking in the opposite direction,

"We are looking for shelter. Can you he--" The fat orange bowling ball spun around. It had white, bulging eyes with tiny little dots for pupils. It's mouth was rather wide, and had dropped so much it looked like it's jaw had been dislocated. The pure red lips around it looked chaffed.

"Oh no," Theo whimpered. "It's the… the…"

"Shoop-da-whoop face," Adam finished for him, nodding worriedly. "And we all know what that means."

"I don't," said Joe. "So I'll just assume it's bad."

"Oh, it's bad," Theo told him. "What's more, it means we have almost no chance of survival."

"Why?" Joe asked. Adam and Theo pointed at the fat orange bowling ball at the same time, their faces looking exactly the same, the two of them holding the exact same face. Joe turned and his eyes widened.

"I'M A FIRING MAH LAZAH!!" the fat orange bowling ball screamed before there was an incredibly loud 'BLLWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH' sound. As this sound came on, Adam, Joe and Theo found themselves blasted by an impossibly humungous blue laser that came directly from the fat orange bowling ball's mouth.

The three adventures were in the middle of a dark room. Adam was the first to come to his senses. He realised that he and his two companions had been bound tightly to a wooden pole. He looked around desperately.

"Comfortable?" a familiar voice came.

"Agh, fuck off!" Adam muttered. "Can't you see I'm busy?" There was a pause.

"… fine," the voice replied sulkily. "I'll just fuck off. Here I go, FUCKING off. FUCKING off. Uh, uh, uh, oh god… uh, uh, UH, UH!! How does one exactly 'fuck off'?"

"Very quickly," Adam answered impatiently. There was the sound of slow footsteps fading away, before the grew faster and louder again, implying that the speaker had returned abruptly. "I thought you just fucked off!!"

"Yeah, I just fucked back on again!" the voice trilled excitedly. "Now, where were we…?"

"You were just about to go to Mars to masturbate and never return."

"Do you want me do glitch you up?" the voice threatened sweetly. Adam shrugged.

"I dunno," he murmured.

"Alright, then." A shadowy figure emerged from the darkness. "IT IS I, GLITCHQUIL!!" he laughed evilly. Nothing else happened. One of Glitchquil's closed eye's twitched agitatedly. "Uh… Volteer? Lights? Please?"

"Oh, right," mumbled a voice in the background as a sudden power surge caused the lights to spur into life, the beam of a spotlight raining down gloriously onto Glitchquil.

"Flip, not you again," Adam sighed. Glitchquil grinned evilly.

"Oh, yes. I'm back, and I'm hornier than ever, baby!!" He then performed a strange pose. Adam coughed nervously. "Oh, uh, I mean, I'm better than ever, uh, baby!!" He did the pose again, but it seemed pretty much pointless now.

"Right. Can we just get this over with?" muttered Adam. "I wanna get home and read some fanfics on my snazzy new laptop from the Fanfiction house."

"I understand your eagerness," Glitchquil sighed. "But anyway… I'm sure you remember the Fire Scrubs from earlier." Adam shivered violently as he remembered the incident where he was chased by Deku Scrubs, that were, very strangely, on fire.

"Yeah."

"Well, let's just say it looks that Clock Town might not be destroyed by the moon after all."

"Really? That's great!" Adam sighed with relief.

"Yup! It'll be obliterated by the Fire Scrub's rampage, instead." Every conscious soul in the room fell silent.

"But… we did so much to save it…" Glitchquil raised a stubby, fingerless, clawless paw that was well rounded in a cute way, like with any other Cyndaquil.

"You did so much to save yourselves," he corrected. "Hey, this is a video game, you'll get used to it. Everyone in it is just another stupid, idiotic mindless bunch of ones and zeroes created by advanced computers, like all video game characters."

"But what about the Termina Fanfiction House?" Adam protested.

"It's safe," Glitchquil assured him. "Anyway, I'm the main antagonist, so right now I have to try to kill you."

"And fail miserably?" Adam asked hopefully. Glitchquil shrugged.

"I don't know. I'm not the author."

"Okay, but seeing as he's bound to a pole, you'll have to fight my OCs." It was a new yet familiar speaker this time. As another figure stepped into the light from the shadows, Adam recognised it was Spyromaster64. Glitchquil sighed, slightly irritated.

"Okay. Which one?" Spyromaster64 grinned.

"Oh, just my personal favorite." Adam's eyebrows raised. "Aurora the dragoness." There was a flash of icy blue light as a young, teenaged, aqua blue dragoness who seemed as calm as the still waters of the Antarctic itself appeared before them. "Have fun!" Spyromaster64 trilled before disappearing in a flash of light.

"Weird," Glitchquil muttered. He turned to Aurora.

7 minutes later

Everything in the room except for Glitchquil, Aurora, Adam, Joe and Theo was totally obliterated. Glitchquil and Aurora were at each other's throats, biting and slashing at their opponents viciously.

"For a gentle in personality dragoness, she sure is violent in combat," Adam noted to himself.

Aurora and Glitchquil were just about to reach the peak of their power, when suddenly, Lara Croft burst through the wall being chased by two thralls (see Tomb Raider: Underworld).

"Damn it!!" she yelled as she was devoured horribly by a thrall that was wearing a horrifyingly large condom.

As Aurora and Glitchquil were momentarily confused, Adam took the opportunity to somehow make the ropes disappear and float into the air, purple aura surrounding him.

"CONVEXITY BLAST!!" he screamed. There was a flash of magnificent purple light, and then nothing more.

Song! 'The Legend of Spyro: The Eternal Night main theme' is the next one you're looking for.

Oh yeah, I've heard there's a really good song in the game called 'This Broken Soul'. I've completed the game twice (I play A New Beginning and Dawn of the Dragon more) yet I still haven't managed to pick it up. When do you hear it in the game? If anyone could answer by PM or review, that would be great.

Adam opened one of his eyes groggily and looked around. He was starting to get really pissed at being repeatedly knocked out and waking up in random places.

*He was in a cave. It was strange, because the Chronicler was standing before him.

"What do you want?" Adam sighed.

"Well, I found you floating around space, so I decided to take you here," the Chronicler answered.

"… that's slightly… random…" Adam commented. "Where's Theo and Joe?" Suddenly the Chronicler started to turn fat.

"HEEHEEHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" he laughed madly before exploding.

"SHIIIIIIIIT!!" Adam screamed before he blacked out for a third time.

"Adam? Adam? Wake up!"

"Wha…?" Adam murmured drunkenly, sitting up. He was in the middle of a house. Joe was sitting next to him. His eyes widened as he jumped to his feet.

"NO!!" he yelled. "I KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!! YOU'LL SCREAM THAT YOU ONLY LIKE CHOCOLATE COOKIES, THEN A GAME CONFERENCE WILL START, CAUSING THE WORLD TO EXPLODE, THEN EVERYONE WILL BE FLOATING AROUND IN SWIMMING POOLS FULL OF DRUGS AND THEN EVERYONE WILL BECOME SO MENTALLY RETARDED THAT THEY'LL BE ENCOURAGED TO WATCH THE TELETUBBIES FUCKING EACH OTHER!!" he screamed. Joe's eyes widened and he slowly backed away.

"Calm down," he urged. But Adam had no intention of calming down. He got up slowly, but when he was standing, he ran out of the house at four times the speed of Sonic the Hedgehog.

When he finally came to a halt, he noticed the house had been a cottage in Termina Field. In the distance, he spotted Clock Town. In the field, the strippers were falling off the trees and exploding like Bombchus, the ChuChus were so drunk they couldn't see and were now bouncing off cliffs, and the Piplup were still raping each other. Adam noticed there were more Piplup than before. As he looked to his right, he saw many of the little blue penguin Pokémon dashing out of a forest and leaping on any Piplup not already occupied as if the fate of the world and the universe depended on it.

Clock Town, predictably, was already mostly destroyed. The invading Fire Scrubs were bouncing around as if they had consumed the whole world's supply of sugar (although they probably had), transforming everything they made contact with into a mixture of flames and ashes.

Theo, who with Joe had now caught up with Adam, narrowly avoided a Fire Scrub cannonball.

"FIRE!! FIRE!! BURN!!" they laughed hysterically, chanting in an odd rhyme.

The next song to use is 'The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon - Into the Flames'. It's that music in Warfang when you have to put out the flames on a building. Yes, I like Spyro music. Bite me again.

"Argh!" Joe yelped in a Homer Simpson voice. "They're blowing up everything!" Adam turned to Theo.

"Should we run for our lives?" he asked politely.

"Oh yes, let's," Theo said, smiling sincerely like a British gentlemen. There was a pause before the three of them ran like the hell, screaming.

"FIRE!! BURN!! BURN!! BUUUURRN!!" the Fire Scrubs laughed, chasing them while throwing fireballs.

*As they neared a corner, to turn quickly, Adam jumped onto the side of the wall and propelled himself off in the direction of the new path. Joe held onto a pole to turn and Theo did nothing but run straight into an obvious wall before clutching his head and hastily following the other two. As the Fire Scrubs came, they ran straight, before, suddenly, no ping, no bang, no light, no explosion, they were just simply facing the new direction, a bit like how the weird dog disappeared earlier (see Chapter 5).

"Aiiiiii!!" Joe yelped as one of the Fire Scrubs suddenly transformed into a mini Ifrit (for those of you who don't know what that is, it's some weird and supposedly powerful fire god thing). The others stayed in their original forms, however, but that still didn't mean that the three friends could stop running from them.

Eventually, Adam and Joe came to rest on top of the tower. Unfortunately, Joe had been incinerated by a Fire Scrub, his solemn ashes lying delicately in the middle of the cursed town.

"I… hate Fire… Scrubs…" Adam panted.

"Hey… look…" Theo wheezed, pointing at a rag doll with Majora's Mask. The sound of a child laughing creepily emanated from absolutely nowhere.

A few minutes later

The rag doll was writhing around on the ground, still laughing in a horrifyingly eerie way.

"MAKE IT SHUT UP!!" Adam screamed, stuffing two hands-free phones into his ears. He quickly made it play some music, which unfortunately did not work. Adam's face quickly changed it's expression to one of horror as he was forced to watch and listen to the rag doll laughing.

Theo had swiftly committed suicide. Joe was still in ashes. And Adam was quickly dying.

I apologise, as it has been over 2 weeks since I wrote the last sentence of this fanfics. You see, ironically, my computer broke on the first day of end-of-term. I now have one day left, with a fixed computer (partly updated with a new antivirus, service pack and whatnot) and a new monitor. When putting the big tower part of the computer back where it belonged, I accidentally smashed my monitor and somehow got away with it (thank god!!). I'm now using my dad's monitor. It's a flat screen, unlike my old one, meaning it's a heck of a lot easier to break, and a pain to fit on my desk. But, I suppose, if I'm careful then I won't have to worry about delaying progress on my fanfics, will I?

Spyromaster64

P.S. Ugh. I'm having so much trouble on Animal Crossing… I'm boring you all now, so back to the story…

Adam was just on the verge of dying when a bright light brought him away from the fatal noise. When his vision de-blurred itself, he was in front of the Chronicler, with a live Joe and a live Theo beside him.

"… what happened?" Joe asked. He was slightly singed. The Chronicler sighed.

"Your time in Termina is up, unfortunately," he muttered.

"So, where next?" Theo asked eagerly.

"Hyrule."

"Not again!!" Adam yelled.

"In the Minish Cap."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Theo practically choked.

"Tough," said the Chronicler. "You're going."

"Bed-time, first!!" Joe shouted excitedly, jumping into a bed. "Make it rain pie!!" The Chronicler scowled, this time baring his teeth menacingly. He made it rain ten thousand pies, all onto Joe.

"Yay, pie!!" came a muffled voice from under all the pie.

So, uh… yeah. That's Chapter 9 for you.

Anyway… later. :)

Spyromaster64