In the immediate seconds that followed, Sam's mind splintered down a hundred different paths. Later, he was almost ashamed to admit that the first thought that flew into his mind was how he was somehow off the hook, that Andy didn't know how he'd broken them, how she wouldn't have to know. His heart wanted to just carry on as if nothing had changed since that mornings amazing wake up.

That was followed all too quickly by the stark realization that of course she'd have to be reminded. Not only was not telling her basically dishonest, but was he really going to spend the rest of his days fearful that at any moment any one of their friends or the most distant of acquaintances would let her know the truth behind them, or that she herself would wake up one morning remembering the past and knowing that they were built on a foundation of lies?

If Sam knew only one thing it was that this was it for him, McNally was all he wanted and his determination to fix them was all that was keeping him going. He was prepared to fight for what he wanted but he wanted it to be right. As convenient as it might be, he wasn't about to let them start again like this. Andy needed to know all the facts surrounding them before they could rebuild anything.

No sooner had his brain caught up to all of that, his heart fell to the floor and a deep ache settled in its place as he realized that from Andy's perspective, he was going to have to break her heart all over again. It had nearly destroyed him to do it the first time round, but at least then he'd had the misguided conviction that he was doing it for the right reasons. That and the pain he was in over losing Jerry, the fog he found himself in, had at the time dulled his senses somewhat to the additional pain of missing McNally. It was only later as the clouds lifted that the horrible understanding of just what he'd pushed away had really started to hurt him more than anything he'd known before.

Quite how he was going to be able to explain what he'd done and why, when it no longer made even the slightest bit of sense to him, he had no idea. With his lips still almost feeling Andy's warmth on them from just a couple of hours ago, everything he stood to lose weighed down on his shoulders.

Traci quietly explained how she'd spoken with Andy's care team and they were gently explaining to her about there being gaps in her memory and things that her mind had lost. They were preparing her for hearing what her friends had to tell her. Traci had been told that the best way forward was to be honest and factual, to let Andy ask whatever questions she needed to and to give her as much information as she wanted, but to go at her pace and not to overload her too soon. Talking things through would help to tie up the missing parts of her memory and may well bring things back in their own time too. Everything needed to be done on Andy's terms.

Between them, they agreed that as soon as Tommy had visited, Traci would be the one to tell Andy about Jerry's death. Sam was prepared to tell Andy everything, wanting to spare Traci any pain of her own over something he knew she still found hard to talk about, but Traci was insistent it was her part of the story to tell. Once Andy knew that part of their recent shared history, it was time for him to face her with his own truths.

An hour or so later, Traci came out of Andy's room, her hands balled by her sides, one clenching a tissue. Her eyes were a little red ringed and the signs of tears were all too clear in the slight smudges of mascara around them. She walked over to Sam and pulled him into a rare hug, him rubbing his hands over her back in a soothing motion.

"How did she take it?" he asked

"I think on some level she did actually know" Traci replied, "I felt more like I was reminding her of something than breaking news to her. It looked like she was afraid of what I was going to say as she knew it was bad, that the happy place she woke up in this morning she knew wasn't real. I don't know. But you know Andy, she's feels so much. It was nice actually, when Jerry first died I didn't want to talk about him with anyone, not even my best friend. Then she went undercover and since she's been back we've not talked about him. I think she felt bad leaving me like that so didn't want to bring it up. That's what I sensed from her. But today that was all stripped away and we talked it through together. I didn't know how much I need to grieve with her till just now."

A lump formed in Sam's throat at that. How he wished he'd grieved with Andy too, but he'd pushed her away.

"So I'm up next huh?" he tried to make light of the situation, terrified of losing her again before he'd really even got her back.

"I told her you'd be right in. Just be honest with her Sammy, tell her how you felt, what happened, how you feel now, it's all you can do." She patted him on the arm and headed down the hall.

Sam looked at McNallys door, took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and steeled himself for what he needed to do.

Andy was curled up on her side, head on the pillow, strapped arm up at her side. Her eyes too were swimming in tears and for some reason Sam's mind flew back to the last time he'd seen her like that. The day she was holding the grenade, that was the last time he'd seen her cry. The day he'd told her he loved her. The day she'd gone before they had a chance to truly talk and straighten this tangled mess out. So much they were both running away from then.

The minute he walked over to the bed she flung her arms around his neck and started sobbing into his shirt. He let her cry as long as she needed to, wishing he could spare her all this a second time. Minutes passed and her sobs slowed to big gulps of air and he reached down and held her chin, turning her face up so he could look in her eyes.

"Hey" he said softly and then "I love you." Those words came so easily to him now, he genuinely couldn't remember how or why they were so hard before. Something in him had shifted in the past couple of days. The fear of losing Andy had torn down the walls he hid behind and everything was so crystal clear to him at last that for the first time ever he felt no need to hold back.

Andy's eyes grew wide as she stared at him, the surprise at hearing the words showing all over her face.

"I uh, I said that once before. But I know you don't remember." he said. He stood up from the bed now, feeling unable to sit and hold her with what he had to say.

"I need to tell you something. After Jerry died, I was lost Andy. I was so angry at myself for not being able to save him. I felt out of control. I fix things. It's what I do. I take situations and I make them right. And this was a situation I couldn't fix. Not for Jerry, not for Traci. Not even for you. I couldn't make it right. And I couldn't handle it. Did Traci tell you how Jerry died?"

Andy nodded, just staring at him.

"I i couldn't handle you getting hurt Andy. Something in me snapped. Then Jerry died and everything in my mind unraveled. I thought that if I let you go, I could go back to just being me. Not needing anyone. Not caring about anyone. I thought I'd be able to go back to just being Sam Swarek the copper, Sam Swarek the fix everything guy."

He looked back over at Andy, his heart flinching as he saw silent tears running down her cheeks.

"I, I pushed you away" he just needed to finish this now, to get to his point.

"If I could take that night back I would Andy. Believe me I would. I was wrong. So wrong. I let you go, and that didn't fix anything. I missed you so much."

"No" Andy whispered

"I wanted to make it up to you. I love you" he said it again "I told you that and I asked for another chance. I begged you."

"What happened?" she said, barely audible, tears still flowing

"You left. He looked at the floor. "I suggested a drink, that we talk, but you didn't show up. Then I heard you'd gone undercover."

"We've been apart for months?" Andy sounded seriously confused and disbelieving now.

Sam ran a hand through his hair and at last moved his eyes from the floor to look right at her.

"Uh, 8 months."

"But I've been back from being undercover for weeks haven't I?" she sounded unsure.

"Yes, but I"

"And we've not talked about what happened to us or tried to fix this?" Andy's voice was rising now.

Sam started to panic, sensing that the last thing he was doing at this moment was fixing anything

"Andy, look, you'd left, you'd gone, I couldn't face how I felt, I was trying to move on, I" he felt the words starting to run out.

"You'd moved on? What does that mean?!" she was definitely shouting now.

Sam just looked at her, not feeling able to hurt her anymore, not knowing what to say next.

"But this morning. I kissed you. You let me kiss you. You kissed me back." she continued

"I didn't know you didn't remember Andy. I thought you'd woken up and we'd a chance at a fresh start. Hearing you'd been shot, hearing you were hurt, thinking I might lose you, it made me realize I can't control everything all the time Andy. Life is meant to be out of control. I can't control my love for you and I was stupid to even try. I want you back and I thought that's what you wanted too when you kissed me."

He walked back over to the bed, wanting to feel her against him again, but as he reached for her hand she pulled it away from him.

"Just go Sam"

"Andy, Please, let me.."

She cut him off "No Sam. Go. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what's real and what isn't. I'm scared. When I opened my eyes earlier I didn't know where I was and then I saw you and I knew that wherever I was, it was home as you were there. I felt safe because you were there. Now you're telling me that it was a lie. I don't know what's real anymore. I'm scared and the only person I want to make it better is you. But you can't. Not now."

"I can." he said "This is real. Me being here now, telling you I can't be without you. That's real. Me being honest about what a mess I've made of things. That's real. You can trust me Andy. Please."

"No." she said. "Not till I know what I feel. If I don't remember us not being together, then how do I remember what I feel? I don't know what I want Sam. Nothing makes sense now. Just go, please. I need time to try to work my brain out."

Sam didn't know what to do. Leaving her like that was the last thing in the world he wanted to do, but he knew how stubborn McNally was. And he knew from past experience that sometimes the best thing to do was to let her work things out in her own time. He suddenly thought back to when they'd started, he remembered the months of longing for her and knowing he couldn't have her. He remembered his utter disbelief when she'd come back to the Alpine Inn. She'd come to him. Always the planner, always the thinker, it had taken months but she'd thought things through and chosen to be with him.

That was all he had left to cling to right now, he'd told her how he felt, the only thing he could do right now was give Andy the space she was asking for, to let her brain do it's thing.

"I'm sorry." was all he could say. And he left the room hoping she could tell he was leaving his heart right there with her.