What did I do? I pushed away the only person I want to see right now. I don't even know why I did it……okay that's a lie, I do. I was so hurt and angry that I wasn't even thinking. I assume she's tried calling but my cell is off and we don't have a home phone. I'm just so glad we are on spring break. I haven't talked to Spencer in 3 days.
"Kyla?" I say knocking on her door.
"Come in"
"Hey…..how are you?"
"I've been……better." She says hesitantly.
"I know……but it will get better eventually…..I promise"
"Promise? Remember the last time you made me a promise Ashley?!" I was taken back by this. Kyla is usually calm and bubbly…..but now she's……..different.
"Kyla……I"
"You what Ashley? You what? You fucking promised Mom would be okay and look how that turned out!"
"Look Kyla I'm sorry okay!"
"No you're not! You never liked Mom! I bet you're glad she's dead." She spat out
"Glad? Whatever Kyla! Mom treated me like shit!"
"I know you two didn't exactly get along……"
"Hell yeah we didn't get along. Kyla she never…..she was never around, never was there for me to cry to, she never even told me she loved me…….and she wasn't there when Dad died…….she wasn't…………a mother."
"If she treated you so badly then why do you care?"
"Because even though she did…….I still loved her."
"You did? Then why don't you show it?"
"What are you talking about?"
"You haven't cried Ashley! You've known your mom a lot longer than I have and I cried! So why won't you?"
"I-I can't."
"And why the hell not?!"
"Because if I cry I'm weak!"
"Ash….." She came over to me and wrapped me in a hug. "Crying does not make you weak. You need to let go. You need to finally get rid of all the anger and hurt."
"But what-"
"No buts" she says cutting me off.
"So what do I do?" I say walking over to the door.
"Cry." And then she brushes past me and walks out of the house to drive somewhere.
So I did. I cried. At first it was silent tears, but then it became nearly uncontrollable sobs. I cried for probably 3 hours……and I finally let go.
DING DONG.
I walked downstairs to answer the door expecting to have to yell at some girl scout about how I don't want her 'All Abouts' or whatever the hell those weird cookies are called. So you can imagine my surprise when I open the door to find Spencer standing there.
"Spencer…..h-hi."
"Hey." There was an awkward silence.
"Oh um sorry, do you want to come in?"
"Yeah sure." She came in and we went up to my room.
"So…..what's up?"
"Ash…..you know what's up." I sighed. I definitely knew what was up.
"I know….and I'm so sorry Spence."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
Why did you push me away? Why Ash? I wanted to help you."
"I know you did and I shouldn't have pushed you away but…..it hurt too much to let you in."
"Does it hurt know?" I looked her in the eyes.
"Not so much." I reached out and traced her jaw line with my finger. I leaned in and kissed her passionately. She tangled her hands in my hair and pulled me closer. I smiled into the kiss. She pulled away and took my hand and pulled me down on top of her. We continued kissing softly and then sweetly.
I pulled my shirt over my head and she did the same. She reached down and unbuttoned my jeans. I unclipped my bra so that I was only in my panties. She took o her bra while I took of her jeans. Then she slid her fingers into the waistband of my panties. I did the same.
We both knew what was happening, but no one withdrew. No one said no. No one was rough. She was different than the other girls. With the other girls it was rough and not loving. But with her……………..she made it gentle, soft, and loving. It was that moment between knowing what you want and feeling safe enough to go there.
