Disclaimer: I own nothing that is from Twilight
AN: This chapter is a bit emotional, it's the whole story about Jake and James and was really difficult for me to write. It's not too graphic but it does touch on the realities of abuse. I just wanted to give everyone a bit of a warning.
Please REVIEW
Chapter 9: Telling all
The week passed quickly. Monday's biology lab was actually easier than I thought it would be. I was actually able to understand what we were doing thanks to Edward helping me. I made some progress on my paper for classical lit, and would most likely be able to have it written and turned in early. Professor Reeds always gave us an opportunity to turn in papers early, if we did and she read them and found anything needed work she would return them to us as long as we still handed them back on time.
My other classes were easy. In creative writing we finally started our latest short story. We were still watching JFK in political film and other than that I was just trying to keep paying attention during lectures.
Edward came over a few times this week to help me with biology. I really enjoyed our study sessions, which almost always ended up with us just hanging out after about an hour of studying. We talked more about music, movies, and books. I told him more about the sorority and how the girls were trying to convince me to run for a leadership position next year. Edward thought that it was a great idea but I still hadn't made up my mind.
I asked him what made him want to pledge. I had found it surprising that he had chosen to join the greek system because he had a lot on his plate with the track team and classes. He told me that Jasper lived across the hall from him and was one of the first guys he met when he moved into the dorm. Apparently they got along really well, and he was soon introduced to Emmett and Garrett, who is the fraternity president. Once he started spending time with the guys he realized there was more to fraternity than just parties and he saw true brotherhood with the pi kapps.
Jessica and Angela had gotten to know Edward because they would sometimes join us after we finished studying. They all got on really well joking and laughing like we were all long lost friends. My sisters loved him as well, it was not uncommon for his brothers and my sisters to meet up for lunch or breakfast most days and Edward fit into our group like he had always been there. Lauren was… entertaining, I think that would be the right word to use.
Monday evening Edward had come over and we were sitting on my bed talking about how my bio lab went when she came home from class. I saw the look in her eyes as she appraised Edward. He was wearing jeans and a forest green button up shirt, making his eyes look darker. I had to bite my lip to hold in my laughter as I saw her expression change from annoyed, thinking I was the only one in the room, to flirty as she looked over Edward. I introduced them and watched her saunter over to shake his hand and it became even harder not to laugh as Edward seemed to squirm under her gaze.
Danielle and Lynn called me on Thursday night to let me know that they had time this weekend to visit and would get here Saturday afternoon. I was thrilled to get to hang out with my girls. Alice was excited because their arrival meant a shopping trip to get a dress for the formal.
It is now Friday afternoon, and I just finished with my class. I decided to go over to the library for a few hours. Some of the sisters were going to a party at the Theta house. I had been asked many times if I was going but I still hadn't decided. I could use a good party and beer and some jello shots beforehand wouldn't be such a bad thing either. Oh well there are a lot of hours for me to decide my plans for tonight. I pulled out my books and got to work.
After a few hours at the library, which this time counted for study hours, I headed back to the dorm. I walked into my room and threw my bag down next to my desk. I changed out of my jeans opting for a pair of yoga pants and sweatshirt with my sorority letters on it. I laid down on my bed glancing at my picture of Jacob before flipping on the television. I'm not one to watch a lot of TV but I wasn't in the mood to read right now.
"Knock knock" I looked up to see Alice standing in my doorway.
"Hey Ali, come in and sit down." I sat up on the bed crossing my legs under me.
Alice walked in and flopped down into my beanbag chair. "You look comfy." She grinned motioning to my outfit. I laughed; Alice hated the fact that no matter what the day's events were I had a tendency to use any down time to be completely comfortable, which meant not wearing cute clothes.
"You seem to be doing really well lately Bella." She continued. "It's good to see you happier, I'll have to thank Edward for that next time I see him."
My eyes widened at that statement. "Thank Edward?"
"Yes thank Edward. You're happy when he is around, and as much as he has been around you haven't had time to go all depressed on us. He's good for you Bella."
"Ali, Edward is just a friend." She rolled her eyes. "Seriously Al. He's great and yes he makes me happy but we're just friends nothing more. When I'm around him things are easy. We can joke and laugh or even just sit and say nothing, it's natural." I trailed off. I wasn't sure how to explain what I felt around Edward. We had never really discussed relationships so I still wasn't sure if he had a girlfriend. Sometimes I thought he did. He would get text messages or phone calls all the time and never mentioned who it was. He told me last week he had to make another trip to Chandler soon, but didn't say much about his friend there and I wondered if it was a girl.
More than anything I wasn't sure how I felt about Edward. I mean I know there is a part of me that likes him as more than a friend, but I wasn't sure I wanted to let him get that close. If he was available and liked me that way I wasn't sure if I could let him get that close. Then there was another question in my mind. "I just don't know what to say about Edward. We have a lot of fun together and the way it feels so natural reminds me of how Jacob and I were."
"Bella that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Jacob was your best friend and finding that connection with someone else isn't a bad thing." Alice said firmly.
I shook my head at her. "I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm saying that yes I kind of like him but what if it's just that he feels safe and not that I really want to pursue something with him?" I sighed "I know you will hate me for saying this but it's almost like he is a mixture of both of them Ali, the friendship I had with Jake but also he is so sweet and polite and caring like how James was when I first met him." She looked at me like I had lost my mind so I quickly added. "Not the bad things, no not at all! I'm talking about the gentlemanly side."
"You'll figure it out Bella, maybe you just need to get to know him better." She said standing up. "I also think you need to let him know you better." He gave me a hug before leaving the room and announcing that she was skipping the party tonight.
Alice skipping the party pretty much made up my mind about not going. Rose had a date, Kate had called earlier saying that she was not feeling well and would be staying in for the night if any sisters decided to go out and needed a ride home she would be available. While there would be a lot of other sisters there it just isn't something I was looking forward to anymore.
An hour or so after Alice left I decided to walk over to the campus coffee shop. They make the best chi tea and I was craving a very large cup. The weather was a little nicer this week and it wasn't as cold out tonight as normal. It was a clear night and the stars were just starting to appear in the sky. I loved sitting out and watching the stars or sometimes when a storm was coming and the lighting would start before it began to rain.
I sat on the steps outside of Masen hall sipping my warm drink and enjoying the quiet campus.
Jacob and I we're sitting on our driftwood log at First Beach. It was a clear night and graduation was coming up soon. I had broken up with James over six months ago and I was finally getting back to normal. I had thought it would be harder to move on but it wasn't. I was dealing with some self esteem issues and temper issues, but that was all. Some people have problems with people touching them after going through what I had but not me.
"Can you believe we're almost done with high school B?" Jake asked laying his head in my lap.
I ran my hands through his dark hair. "No I can't. Even more so I can't believe you actually decided to do college and not just keep working in the garage."
He chuckled "Oh I'm gonna keep working in the garage, college is so I can learn the business aspect of it. Then I'll open my own garage and focus on restoring classic cars." I laughed and shook my head.
"Sure sure, and who do we know around here that owns classic cars?"
Jake grinned at me. "I won't have to worry about it. See by the time I have enough money to open my own place you will already be a famous writer, and all those eccentric rich people you will know will have cars or friends with cars for me to restore."
"Ok Jake I'll let you meet and extort all my rich friends on one condition." He looked at me curiously. "If you ever have a client who wants to restore and or sell a Porsche 550 Spyder I want it and you have to find a way for me to get it."
"Sure sure Bells no problem."
I laughed to myself. Anyone else would have thought I just had a strange obsession with old cars but Jacob understood why I said that particular car. He had laughed at me asking if I wanted him to make sure little bastard was written across the back. Shaking my head I glanced back up at the stars. "I miss you Jake." I said quietly.
"Talking to yourself Bella?" My head snapped to the left at the sound of Edward's voice.
"Hey Cullen. Yeah I guess I am."
He came over and sat on the steps beside me. "What are you doing out here?"
I took a sip of my drink before answering. "Just felt like being outside tonight, it's nice out." I looked over at him and smiled. "What are you doing out here, I didn't know you were coming over tonight."
"I wasn't." He said quickly "I just got out of a late class and was walking back to my dorm when I saw you sitting here." He looked at me appraisingly "You looked lost in thought again; I can go if you want to be alone."
"I was lost in thought, I've been doing that a lot lately. And no I don't mind the company." He smiled and leaned back putting his elbows on the step behind him.
"It really is a nice night; I can't believe how warm it has started to get so soon."
"Ah so you do miss something about California." I teased.
"I like warm weather, who doesn't?" He said "I had thought you all would be going out to the parties tonight."
I shrugged but didn't answer "What about you, are you going over to the fraternity house later?"
"No I hadn't really planned anything tonight." He paused "Are you happy you're friends are coming tomorrow?"
"Yes!" I said quickly. "I can't wait it's been too long since I've seen them and well it wasn't the best circumstances." I frowned. Edward noticed my expression change.
"If you don't mind my asking, are those circumstances what have had you so lost in thought?"
I nodded and tucked my hair behind my ear. "Yes." I sighed. I should tell him but he would have to hear the whole story to really understand. "Edward? How much has Em or Jazz told you about me."
He looked at me and gave me a small smile. "Honestly, not much. The love you like a sister and care about you. They said you are one of the most genuine people they know, and if I ever did anything to hurt you I would live to regret it."
I laughed and rolled my eyes. "Figures, leave it to those two to make me sound like a saint." He laughed as well. "Do you have some time to talk tonight there are some things I would like to tell you but it's a long story."
"Bella I can tell this is something that is hard for you and I don't expect you to tell me anything but if you want to talk to me I'll listen for however long you need me to."
I smiled at him sadly this was going to be hard and I would probably cry. Crying was something I did not do, especially in front of other people. However I had gotten to know Edward over the last week and I trust him. I took a deep breath and pulled my knees up to my chest wrapping my arms around my legs.
"This is confusing and I don't really know where to start but I guess I'll start with the easiest part to understand first." I looked at Edward and he just nodded not wanting to interrupt. "My best friend and I grew up together, his father and my father were very good friends which meant Jacob and I were always around one another. When we were little our parents and friends, well everyone pretty much, thought we hated each other." I smiled a little at this. "We would pick on each other and fight all the time, he would tease me and I would tease him. That is probably why I can be a bit sarcastic at times." Now Edward gave me a small smile, he had heard my sarcasm this past week.
"As we got older we still teased each other but we were so close. He knew me better than anyone and I knew him just as well. We were so close people often thought we were dating. When I left for college he was here almost every other weekend. A week and a half before Christmas break he had called to see if it was alright if he came to visit." I stopped and turned my head taking a breath and trying to hold in the tears I could feel in my eyes. "I really wanted to see him but we had finals coming up that week and I need to pack to go home. I told him not to bother making the trip. I told him that I would come see him first thing when I got home in a week and we would have a whole month to spend together." My voice shook as I said this.
"That was a Thursday. That Saturday I was sitting in my room studying for finals when my phone rang. It was my dad. I was surprised because my dad never really calls. Charlie usually just takes a few minutes when I'm talking to my mom to say hi and that's about all." I rested my chin on my knees continued. "He had barely said hello then I heard him take a shaky breath. I knew something was wrong Charlie is a person who doesn't show a lot of emotion and I could tell he was crying. He told me that he had just left a scene of an accident." Again I had to stop and take a breath. Edward reached over and placed his hand on my shoulder.
"Jake had been on his back from Port Angeles, apparently there was a party the night before that he went to with some friends. He had taken his motorcycle because the day before was a pretty nice day. He decided to spend the night since he had been drinking. On his way home it was raining pretty badly and he lost control of the bike." I wiped tears from my eyes with my free hand. "He wasn't wearing a helmet and… there was nothing…. He… was killed instantly" I finished and fought back my tears I had cried enough since December.
Edward still had not said anything. He moved closer to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "I lost it, when Charlie told me, I wasn't crying or anything I just went numb. I hung up the phone and to this day I don't remember saying anything to him. I walked down the hall to Alice's room Ang and Jess were there. I walked in without knocking, I looked at all of them and just started sobbing. I contacted all my professors and made arrangements to take all my finals in one day, and went straight home for the funeral." I looked over at Edward and saw concern in his eyes. "I spent Christmas break doing everything I could to hold onto Jacob, I didn't want to leave anything that reminded me of him. I almost didn't come back to school."
Finally Edward spoke. "I'm glad you came back. I didn't know him but somehow I don't think Jacob would have been happy had you quit. Bella, I'm so sorry you lost someone you care about so much. I…" I stopped him.
"Remember I said that was the easy part?" I laughed bitterly. "For the last few months I've felt like life has been playing a cruel joke on me." I shook my head and smiled ruefully.
Edward looked concerned and amused at the same time. "I know this is probably the completely wrong sentiment but I'm intrigued. How you can tell me you lost your best friend and that there is more to tell and yet still laugh no matter how sarcastic that laugh is. You truly are a strong person."
Was I really going to share my past with James, could I really tell him that story? Would he believe what I told him? After losing Jacob and adding the story about James in it almost seems too much to believe. Sometimes I feel like my life in the last few years should be made into a Lifetime movie.
"I told you this is confusing and honestly it is not pretty." He cut me off before I could finish.
"Bella like I said you don't have to tell me anything but I'm here to listen if you want me to be."
"Okay. The very beginning of the summer after my junior year I met James. He was handsome and sweet but was also about two years older than me. We started dating and I thought it was love." I shook my head. "Well I guess it was love in some way, I'll always love James but I wasn't in love. James was my first real boyfriend, other than my first kiss he was pretty much my first everything. Everything between us was great and everyone thought we were the perfect couple. Then he started telling me what to do. I stopped spending time with Jacob and the rest of my friends. James was becoming my life. I did what he wanted when he wanted and when I would decide to act like he didn't own me he got, mean."
I looked over at Edward I knew he knew where my story was going because I could see both pain and anger in his eyes. "At first he would tell me that my friends didn't really want me around anyway and he was the only one who cared about me. The he would tell me how lucky I was that he wanted me because no one else ever would and no one else would ever love me like he did. I started to believe him. Then the words weren't enough. Sometimes I wouldn't even know what would upset him he would just flip. Not long after we got together he found his own apartment, and I was there with him one night and he was drinking, some of his friends were there and something upset him. He picked up his beer and poured it on my head in front of everyone. After that he started to hit me."
Again I looked at Edward not sure if I could tell him everything. It's embarrassing but there was nothing in his gaze that told me he thought less of me. I wasn't fighting tears this time I was angry, I was always angry when I thought about what I went through.
"He was very careful about where he would grab or hit. He always made sure the marks wouldn't show. One day he started getting careless and threw me into a wall. I went to school the next day hiding a bruise on my shoulder and lying about where it came from. The next time he hit me in the face and I knew I needed to get away. I wanted to leave that night so bad but he wouldn't let me."
This is where my story usually stopped no one else other than Jacob, Dani and Lynn knew what else there was to tell, but I couldn't stop. It was as if I had to tell someone else like I needed Edward to know everything there was to know. I knew I wouldn't be able to look at him as I said this so I looked up to the stars as I continued.
"That night he had decided he was tired of me, um not giving him what he wanted. I had not let him… I had stopped having sex with him not long after the physical abuse started. That night he raped me and even though I knew it was rape I convinced myself it wasn't because I was his girlfriend and we had already had sex, it didn't matter that I said no this time." Edwards's hands were clenched into fists but when I looked at him he relaxed and grabbed my hand again.
"Bella," He said softly. "that was not your fault! No one should have to go through that no one deserves that." He said firmly but with care and concern lacing his tone.
I nodded. I knew he was right, now, but back then I believed otherwise. "I know that. I'm fine really somehow I'm good at repressing things like that. For some reason I'm not as scarred as you would think I should be. Honestly it's James who I feel bad for." Edward looked at me sharply "He had a hard childhood, he was living with his grandparents because his parents were drug addicts and abusive. It was all he ever knew. I think I stayed as long as I did because I thought I could help him."
Edward shook his head "You really have an amazing heart Bella. You feel bad for him but I imagine anyone else would wish him pain or death." I sucked in a quick breath at his words.
"You're not the only one to tell me that, but…" I hesitated this wound was still fresh "I don't have to wish for that." Edward looked at me in confusion. "James committed suicide almost two months ago. I was sitting in my room and I got another call from home. This time it was Danielle. She told me they found his body and a note. He… well I won't tell you how he did it but he just gave up. The note talked about me." I started crying again and was trying to keep myself from sobbing. "He said that he had hurt too many people and knew he wasn't worth anyone's love. He said that I was one of the only people to love him and he ruined that." I played with the sleeve of my shirt as I talked. "He had been seeing someone else, and from what everyone says he was doing really well. He stopped drinking and was even starting school again some trade school I guess." I smiled sadly at Edward. "I went home for the funeral. I met his girlfriend, her name is Victoria. She came to me and introduced herself. She knew all about me and told me that just a few nights before he killed himself he told her he was scared. She said he was afraid he would hurt her like he did me and he was afraid to let her love him."
"Bella don't! Don't blame yourself for his choice. It is not your fault, you have to know that." Edward again wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into him.
"Don't you see though it is my fault? It's my fault that both of them are gone. If I hadn't told Jacob not to visit he wouldn't have wrecked. He would still be here. And James," I sat back and looked at him. "He called me after Jacob died, just after the funeral. Renee answered the phone she wouldn't let me talk to him. If I had talked to him I would have known something was wrong or maybe him thinking I wouldn't talk to him is what set him off I don't know but I could have helped."
Edward was shaking his head "No, you don't know if anything would have made a difference. You cannot live your life on what ifs."
"I didn't talk to my mom for weeks after he died, I blamed her and myself for not letting me talk to him. I just needed to blame someone." I laughed again and Edward pulled his arm away. He must think I've lost my mind. "I'm sorry it's just one day I feel fine like I'm me and like none of this ever happened then one day I'm a wreck. I can't help but laugh because it has just been so much all at once I think I'm just waiting for the next phone call. You know?"
"You are stronger than you know Bella." Edward said before pulling me back into his arms and hugging me to him. It wasn't long before he let me go but I understood what the gesture meant. He was here and wasn't going anywhere. At that moment I knew it didn't matter if I had feeling for him or not because he would always be a part of my life as a friend if not something more.
We were quiet for a long time just enjoying the peace of one another's company. When we finally started talking again it was light and easy conversation. I knew I had dumped a lot on him all at once but he handled it well and seemed to understand I didn't want to talk about it anymore tonight if at all. Conversation continued until we realized the sky was lighter, it was morning and we had been talking all night.
