Sometimes it amazed her how a man like Damon could be such a complete contradiction. And then he'd do his, 'I'm an asshole ask me how' smirk and she'd have no problem seeing that there was no real contradiction.
Sure, he was capable of being a vindictive murdering bastard. But if you knew the real Damon even that part of him was understandable; if not quite forgivable.
He did what he did, for the same reason he'd done every shitty thing in his life. He did it to prove that he wasn't the loser; the second choice. He did it to prove that nothing could hurt him. Because evil lying assholes; didn't get hurt.
Damon Salvatore lived by the do it to them before they do it to you rule.
Mostly; because that was the only way he could get through the shit he'd had thrown at him all of his life. He'd learnt that nice guys finish last and decided he never wanted to finish last again. Top that off with some truly huge anger issues and you got a guy that was determined never to let anyone in. The vampire thing had only made it worse.
Sadly; as she had pointed out to him that night in Denver, it was one of the reasons she'd been so reluctant to let him close to her.
Even now there was part of her that was scared that Damon only loved her because on some level he thought it was safe; that she would never return his feelings. Thereby justifying his right to the whole; 'why bother really trying when your never gonna win' attitude.
And if that had been all there was to him; all that he'd portrayed even knowing what was hidden underneath the attitude, it might not have been enough for her to risk her heart. No matter how much she loved him. Fortunately, Damon was his own worst enemy and he screwed up a lot more than he'd ever admit.
Even when he was deliberately being the biggest dick in the entire universe he'd slip occasionally. And sometimes, even the bad shit he did was for reasons that were far more complex than even Damon knew. Rose was just one of his more blatant slips. There were countless others tiny ones that Damon would be shocked by, if she pointed them out.
Anyway; back to the matter at hand.
Damon was probably telling himself, that he was doing what he was doing because he didn't want to go through the pain of knowing how much she still loved Stefan; and how little she felt for him. But she Elena Gilbert, knew better. This was Damon in one of his most classic avoidance tactics. He'd just never admit that it wasn't his own feelings that he was protecting.
And sure; Damon didn't want his heart pummelled any more than it already had been. But a larger part of Damon still didn't want to hurt Elena. He wouldn't want her to have to face the sexual attraction he though she felt for him. And he really didn't want her to see the bad stuff he'd done in the past; most especially, the stuff that dealt with Stephan and their murderous shared past. Because underneath his callus flirty asshole exterior, Damon was still willing to endure whatever it took to protect the people he loved... And he loved both her and his brother.
Well for once in his life it was time for someone else to a bad thing for the right reasons. Now she just had to hope that her love for him would be obvious enough and just plain enough, that he'd get over the lying part of tricking him into this.
She was betting her future on it, so she hoped for both their sakes that he'd let himself actually be happy; without second guessing every damn thing.
Guess there was only one sure way to find out.
"Don't be a dick Damon. You know I don't have any choice; I can't spend the rest of my life being babysat by my friends and family. I need to be able to feed without worrying that this might be the night I finally turn to the dark side of the force... so to speak."
She rolled her eyes at his incredulous look.
"What! It seemed apt, Can't you see me going all Darth Elena?" she teased trying to lighten his mood.
"Seriously though, I need to be able to have some control over this feeding thing. Even Caroline agrees that blood bags are the only way she got through the whole newborn thing."
She hid her grin at his look of disgust.
"First. Please tell me you did not just make a Twilight reference to describe yourself or I may just have to stake you; and secondly, how do we even know this is gonna work? It might just make things worse for all we know".
He raked a hand through his hair, his attempt at meeting her levity balanced by the concern in his eyes.
"Damon, you're leaving, I don't have any other choice" she huffed with her best exasperated glare. "Without the blood sharing thing, it's not a matter of if I kill, but when. I need to try this, because frankly without you around, I don't trust myself not to slip."
She knew her words were a calculated risk. If she'd played her hand carefully, Damon would be convinced she was pushing the blood bond thing, so he'd agree to stay if she forgot about doing it. Secondly; she was banking on his need to get the pain over quickly, rather than draw it out any longer. And her words were also designed to deflect him from knowing how much she actually wanted to blood bond with him. Now she just had to hope he'd take the bait.
Damon met her gaze, searching for some God damn reason to turn her down. Unfortunately, she was a pillar of resolve and whatever might be really going on in her head; it was not showing on her face. He groaned.
"Fine, but we do it now or not at all." he bit out. "I have no desire to hang around and explain the whole Katherine thing to Stefan and the sooner I see the back of this town, the better. So c'mon then Elena, let's do it".
His leer was half hearted as he dropped backwards to stretch out on her bed and just for a second Elena felt a twinge of guilt for playing him the way she was. Fortunately, vampire Elena immediately smacked her upside her metaphoric head and told her to pony up.
Lowering her eyes to conceal her relief; Elena sank down on the bed next to him with a grateful sigh. Rolling on her side to face him she studied his suddenly closed off expression.
"So how do we do this?" she asked softly, her hand reaching for the tensed fist that currently lay against his thigh.
Taking a deep breath however unneeded, Damon turned his head to look at her.
"I think the traditional way is best." he said with a frown. "I'll feed from your neck, you from my wrist. But the moment and I mean the exact moment you feel the bond, you have to agree to stop or I won't do this at all. I want to get through this with minimal humiliation on both our parts and since you are already a vampire I think we can dispense with the Anne Rice bullshit."
"Oh okay, I guess you know what's best". Reaching up she swept her hair away from her neck and angled her head to give him access. "Um... is this okay. Do you want me to... you know...go first, or I should I hold off until you start?" asked Elena, her voice deliberately hesitant.
Keeping her eyes downcast and her voice timid, she did her best to control her breathing and heart rate as she anxiously waited for him to make his move. Everything she wanted hinged on this moment, on Damon's feelings for her. And she hated that she was using those feelings to trick him into an act that should have been something that they both wanted; rather than one last duty he could perform for a woman that he believed would never love him.
That he was willing to lay himself bare for the sake of her inability to feed normally, was just more proof that he loved her in way's she couldn't begin to understand.
But she wanted to.
She wanted more than anything in the world to be the one that was worthy of the kind of love that he felt for her, but she wasn't stupid. She had trampled his heart one too many times for him to believe anything she might say. Her earlier confession of her feelings in front of Stefan and Katherine were a case in point. She'd all but said the words and yet Damon had heard none of them.
The old Damon would have leapt on even the smallest hint of affection directed his way, but the Damon that had held Katherine in his arms; was a Damon that could no longer believe that Elena Gilbert felt anything for him, that wasn't second to her feelings for his brother.
As Damon's mouth touched her neck, Elena prayed that what they were about to do would convince Damon in a way that all the words in the world wouldn't. Because if it didn't work, she knew that it would be the last time he touched her.
Damon raised his wrist to her lips, his gut clenching and his cock hardening with the thought of tasting the one woman he wanted more than anyone. Sharing something he would never have dreamed of with Elena; even if it wasn't for the reasons he wished, was more than he ever dared to hope. But it still didn't change the fact that it scared the shit out of him. The next five minutes would change both their lives... he just wasn't sure he's survive it.
He felt the prick of Elena's fangs. Not breaking the skin just yet; holding off, waiting for him. Eyes closing and steeling himself for what he was about to do and the pain he was about to invite. Damon was stunned when Elena was suddenly wrenched from his arms and thrown across the room.
His eyes flew open and he met the furious gaze of Katherine Pierce.
Well Fuck!
