"Jake?"
I jerked in response to the unexpected voice.
Bad move.
It only resulted in me cracking my head against the hood of the pickup truck I was working on. I almost dropped my wrench in the process as stars broke across my vision, lighting up my life like a fireworks display exclusively inside of my own head. I swore loudly, gripping the wrench to keep it from clattering into the mouth of the truck, getting lost somewhere down beside the engine. I rubbed my tender head with my free hand, massaging the already forming lump, and attempted to blink the stars out of my gaze as I turned to find Bella behind me.
She started to step toward me, her hand outstretched.
"Are you all right?"
I waved her off. "Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine. What did you need?"
It had better have been an emergency to give me this sort of concussion just to tell me, but I knew it wasn't. Bella looked too concerned about my wounded head to have an emergency on her hands, unless she was expecting me to be the emergency. I hadn't hit my head that hard, but she was eyeing me like she was waiting for me to topple over and forget my name and date of birth.
"Are you sure you're all right?"
"Yeah," I snapped, decided she didn't want anything too important, and turned to go back to my work. "Did you need something or not?"
"I just…" she hesitated.
I pretended to be tending to something with my wrench, though she had caught my attention. What was it now? Something she obviously didn't want to tell me. Was she planning on returning to Edward already? A lump formed in my stomach, but I tried to ignore it. If she left, so be it. One less thing for me to worry about. One less disaster waiting to happen.
"Did you… Did you sleep in my room last night?"
I almost choked. My wrench slipped, and I also about took a nosedive into the engine. Oh shit. How had she known? Had she really been awake when she'd turned toward me last night? Or had she caught me leaving? I cleared my throat, straightened a bit, and attempted to regain my composure. Hopefully, she hadn't just caught me acting all red-handed here. I tried to recoup by focusing on a sliver of annoyance that surfaced when she referred to my room as hers, but it was a pointless effort.
"Why would I have slept in there, Bella?" I responded as aloofly as I could. "I slept on the couch. Like always."
It seemed like a much better idea to lie. If she had to ask, she wasn't really certain that I'd even been there, and I was doing us both a favor by pretending that I hadn't. I could only imagine how she would have felt to know that I had really been lying beside her all night, buck naked and cradling her against me. Let alone knowing that she had been the one to turn into me.
I kept my back to Bella. I could hear her shift uneasily from one foot to the other.
"It's just… I've been having dreams. A lot lately. I must have just dreamt it. Sorry."
She sounded so helpless. What was the deal? Defeated, I balanced my wrench on the side of the truck and turned to her, wiping oil onto my jeans. Her eyes were downcast, but I could tell that she was troubled. I was hoping that it wasn't her "dream" from last night that had upset her so much. I hadn't thought it was too awful myself.
"So, tell me," I said. "What's up?"
Bella glanced up, almost shy as she peered at me from under her lashes. I could tell that she was expecting me to snap at her, and I felt guilty. I really had been mean to her lately. Not necessarily my fault, but just because I wasn't going to be her shoulder didn't mean I couldn't play nice every once in awhile. Otherwise, I was no better than Cullen.
"It's nothing."
I folded my arms across my chest. "Yeah it is, or you wouldn't have brought it up. So what is it?"
"Just… Just dreams about Edward."
Fuck. Sorry for asking.
My displeasure must have shown on my face—Like I could help the fact that I hated Edward so much after what he'd done to Bella, after he'd destroyed my friend—because Bella immediately hurried on like she was afraid I was about to start shouting.
"I keep imagining him coming here. He's so mad. I know he's mad, and he's so… strong."
Her words turned me ice cold. "Has he ever hit you, Bella?"
Bella paled. "No, no. Nothing like that. It's just… the Volturi…"
"The what?"
"Oh--! Nothing, nothing, Jake. I'm just rambling."
Yeah, whatever. I could tell Bella had just about slipped something out that she immediately regretted. What the hell was a Volturi? It sounded vaguely familiar, but it wasn't ringing any clear bells. I studied Bella's face. It was too drawn and pale, too worn. Wow. She'd come to me looking for an escape, and she almost looked worse than she had upon arrival. Some friend I was.
The fact that I didn't want to be a friend in the first place notwithstanding.
"Hey, look." I stepped forward, and I did something stupid: I touched her face. It was just a quick skim of my thumb across her chin, but it felt like I'd been electrocuted. "Cullen's not going to hurt you, okay? If you're worried about him, don't be. I'm here. I know what I said before, but stay as long as you need."
There I went being stupid again, but I couldn't shoulder Bella out when she looked like this. As much as I was trying to harden myself against her, I was and always would be defenseless when it came to her. All she had to do was ask and bat her lashes, and I was putty in her hands. I was her puppy dog, Jacob—friendly, devoted, and constantly yearning for affection.
Bella shook her head sadly. "It's not that."
"Then what is it?" I pressed.
Bella blinked, and I could see her thoughts shift. She was withdrawing from me again. As physical proof, she took a step back to put some space between us. I let my hand fall pitifully to my side.
"It's nothing, Jacob," she insisted, and then she moved farther away, leaning against my tool bench and changing the subject. "Tell me what you've been doing all this time I've been gone."
I frowned.
Pining after you, grieving for you, wanting you so bad that I can't think straight. Spending sleepless nights and suffering through the day in walking dreams of you returning to me. Trying to find something to fill the hollow hole in my chest that you left gaping open from the last time you ran from me.
Loving you so completely that nothing else matters outside of you.
Yeah. Like I was going to tell her that. She was already too aware that she had my heart. She was already too careless with it as it was.
"This," I said, jerking a thumb over my shoulder at the truck. "I've always been the simpleton, remember? There's nothing more to Jacob Black than what you see on the surface."
I couldn't stop being bitter. I felt like a broken record here.
"That's not true," Bella disagreed, and I snorted. "It's not, Jake. There's a lot more to you than that."
"Like what?" I challenged.
Bella straightened a little, and she actually found the guts to look annoyed. It was about time. The light of war came too seldom in her eyes anymore, and it was always for only short, quick bursts before it burned out. What had happened to Bella's spine? I almost wanted to piss her off just to see her find it.
"You're smart, you're handsome, and you're the nicest guy I know."
What a Hallmark card response! That kind of description could fit my dad, for crying out loud. Did she expect me to be flattered with so little creativity on her behalf? I rolled my eyes, giving up, and started to turn back to my engine.
Bella's hand stopped me—froze me right to the spot—when it wrapped around my arm. It stopped my breath, because it was a touch that she had initiated. I hadn't reached for her, she'd reached for me. No matter the reason. I turned back to her, not quite able to cover up the look that surely filtered through my body and into my gaze. I knew Bella noticed it. Her chin quivered slightly before she could lift it stubbornly into the air.
"I wasn't done," she informed me, and I would have grinned at her tone if I hadn't been floundering. "You're strong, capable of leading an entire pack, an amazing mechanic, and probably the perfect guy, period. Any girl would be lucky to have you, Jake."
I didn't think that she'd meant to let that last part slip. Her cheeks instantly flamed red, and she released my arm like it had burned her. But it was too late now. Bella had already done the damage. She had already told my eager heart more than enough to provoke it.
I took a step forward, and she attempted to turn away this time. Just like she had done to me, I caught her arm, just under her elbow, and forced her to face me. I could see fear flicker through her eyes. She didn't bother to mask it.
"What about you, Bella?"
That blush was really getting to me. Bad enough that I had to look at that, wondering what it might mean, and then she went and bit that bottom lip of hers, driving me all kinds of crazy. I thought of the night before and of waking up with her in my arms.
"I'm married, Jacob."
Way to kill my buzz.
"I'm aware of that," I replied, dryly. "Why don't you tell me about it?"
I'd taken Bella off guard there. The shutters went down over those pretty brown eyes of hers, and I knew she was locking me out. She was going to play the loyal wife in front of me, even though I knew, better than anyone, all about the inner workings of her marriage. Or, at least, the part she ran from. I started to tell her to stop blocking me out, but I didn't. It was her secret to keep if she didn't trust me enough. I couldn't beg her to open up to me. It was something she was going to have to do on her own.
Trying not to express the hurt I felt at being shoved out so effortlessly, I, once again, turned back to my work. This time, Bella didn't try to stop me. When I picked up my wrench and began cranking away again, there was nothing but silence to keep me company.
After a few minutes, I figured that she had probably cut her losses and evacuated the garage before I could trap her into a response she didn't want to make. Whatever. I wasn't that damn needy. Despite what she might think.
"A-Alice is a professional dancer."
Surprised, I glanced over my shoulder. Bella was still standing exactly where I'd left her, though she looked a lot more nervous now. Maybe paler too. It was like I'd asked her to sell her soul or something, telling me anything about the Cullen's. The words left her lips like that'd been fighting to stay clogged up in her throat. I lifted a brow at her, and then turned back to the engine.
"Oh. I see," I murmured. "That's cool, I guess."
If she wanted to spill the beans, she could spill them, but I wasn't going to look like I was the one provoking her to tell any secrets she'd rather take to the grave. What did she think I was going to do with the information anyway?
Apparently something awful, judging by her expression. Though the hell if I knew how I could wield something like Alice's infatuation with dancing against the tiny vampire.
"She… She's really great," Bella continued uncertainly. "I'm surprised you haven't seen her on television or something. She's been broadcasted a couple of times."
I shrugged indifferently. "Dancing really isn't something I tune into on the tube."
Bella laughed a little, and I could feel some of the tension evaporating from the room. Maybe if I just didn't look at Bella again for the rest of the time we were sharing space, we might actually carry on a real conversation. It was probably smarter that I didn't anyway. The garage wasn't really all that big of a space to share with Bella, and any time I looked at that face of hers it always did strange things to me.
"She lives with Jasper in…" Bella swallowed. "In New York."
It wasn't lost on me that Bella was having a hard time mentioning the city where her husband lived, but I didn't react to it. I'd let it slide right off if that was what Bella wanted. Otherwise, she'd probably bolt.
"Really? That one that can control emotions?" I asked.
That guy had always given me the creeps. I didn't like having my emotions manhandled like that, and I especially didn't like it that a vampire only had to stand beside me and could tell exactly how I was feeling. I didn't like having any sort of connection with the chump.
"Yeah, that's him," Bella told me. "He's a therapist now."
I snorted before I could stop myself. "Isn't that sort of cheating?"
"Yeah, probably," Bella admitted.
I nearly smiled when she appeared at my side, peeking over my shoulder to inspect what I was doing. There was hardly any tension left now, and I could tell that she was relaxing. It was about time. I was tired of her acting like I was the big, bad wolf when she'd lived with Dracula all these years.
"I'm just tuning it," I told her. "What about Carlisle? He still a doctor?"
Bella nodded, carefully keeping her eyes on my working hands rather than my face. I had to fight the urge to drop my wrench, take Bella's face in my hands, and force her to look at me.
She'd look at me on her own in time. Really look at me too, if I had my way with it. Right now, I'd have to deal with what she gave me. If I made the first move, I knew I'd move too far, and I'd lose everything again. Not to mention, I had to be certain if it was what I wanted as well.
"Yeah. He's still very successful. He's the best."
I wrinkled my nose. Of course he was the best. The guy had had centuries to prefect his craft. It was called cheating in my book, but I knew Bella would get defensive if I pointed it out.
"Esme lives with him. She runs charity functions in their name," Bella explained. "Rose and Emmett rent a loft close to them. Rose is a fashion designer. Emmett… well, he doesn't really do anything at the moment. He's pretty stuck on the fact that he can't be a pro-football star, since he can't be out in the day and all."
"Let me guess, the others have managed to work their careers at night?"
"Yeah."
I nodded without surprise. Though I thought it gutsy that any of them dared to become public figures, I couldn't commend them for it. I just didn't have it in me to like them, and a secret part of me yearned for the day they'd slip up and get caught. Though they hadn't done me a personal injustice like Edward had, I still held them responsible, in a roundabout way, for all my problems.
"Just like Edward," I noted.
"Yeah," Bella said again.
She left it like that, purposely not discussing the career of the most important Cullen of them all. When it came to her estranged husband, Bella was closed-lipped. At least about this part of his life. Or maybe Bella didn't really know what he did exactly herself. It was possible, considering the things she'd told me about their relationship. I felt an unwarranted surge of sympathy, and I quickly batted it away.
It was her choice to stay with him.
Still, even if Bella didn't want to discuss Edward, there were other things I was curious about. Maybe I'd found the right time to ask them. If not, then they were still something to fill the gaping silence that followed Bella's one-syllable reply.
"So," I started, trying to sound as casual as possible, "how'd they all become vampires anyway?"
I could sense Bella tense beside me again.
Damn it! Couldn't we just have a conversation? My knuckles turned white around the wrench. I'd thought that we were friends, if nothing else, and I'd thought that Bella's whole ploy for running back to me had been so that she'd have someone to talk to. That was how it usually went.
She told me all of her problems, and I soaked them up like a sponge, absorbing some of her pain and making it my own.
"It's not my story to tell," Bella explained inadequately.
I had to bite my lip to keep from yelling. I could only be patient for so long if she was going to keep skirting around everything I said. I felt like an idiot, trying to talk to someone so obviously unwilling. I was half-tempted to toss down my wrench and storm out of the garage, happily leaving Bella to her self-inflicted silence.
Once again, what exactly did she think I was going to do with the information anyway? Thanks to her, I'd become a hermit outside of my brief, routine correspondence with the pack, and I'd been as celibate as a priest, stupidly saving myself for her all this time like the moron I obviously was.
"Whatever," I snapped.
"I'm sorry, Jake." I felt Bella's fingers graze my arm as she hurried to smooth over her mistake. "It's just… It's their personal stuff, but I can tell you for sure that none of them were changed out of anything but necessity."
Necessity? I'd have rather died than become what they were.
I rolled my shoulders, smarting from even the most casual and briefest touch by Bella. It wasn't fair. She could churn me up just by looking in my direction, and I was still on the outskirts of the wall she'd put up between us. I didn't understand what could possibly be so damn intriguing about Edward Cullen that Bella would continue to cling to him like this.
Why wasn't I that intriguing?
"All right. Fine. Tell me what about Cullen drew you in then."
It was about time that I knew what I was up against so that I could decide if it was even worth picking up the battle I'd already lost. Controlled, I set my wrench on the side of the truck again, and I turned to Bella. Still at my side, her mouth had come partially open as if she'd prepared to make a response and had promptly swallowed it.
I narrowed my eyes. "Well?"
She straightened a little at my tone. "I don't know, Jake. It's hard to explain."
"Try me."
She pursed her lips at me, her brown eyes flaring a bit with some of their old life.
"It was magnetic," she blurted. "Strong, and almost chemical, but more than that. When he touched me, it was electrifying. When he kissed me, it was fireworks. He was gentle, at first. He was doting. He was all soft touches and caresses. And, I guess, it was his natural vampire appeal too."
I was almost sorry I'd asked. I was the one to blanche as she described her physical relationship with Edward in almost the exact way I felt when she touched me. I was the sad, sorry victim of unrequited love. How had Edward done it? How could he have just knocked strong, sensible Bella right off of her feet?
All of a sudden, I saw what it was. All this time, I'd been taking the wrong approach. I was being too aggressive. I had to make her want to come to me—that was if I really did want that after all this time.
Of course I did. Why try to fool myself?
"You know what draws me to you, Bella?" I started, abruptly. "It's not for your blood. It's not your scent. I'm drawn to you for who you are. I always have been. You're smart, you're cautious, but always ready to handle any challenge. You've got backbone and spirit. I'm twice your size, but you'd knock me flat if I pissed you off. You're beautiful, and I feel those things you just described for you."
I paused. I hadn't even skimmed the surface of what it was that I loved about Bella, but even though my words had gotten carried away with me, I wasn't too submerged in my feelings for Bella not to know when to cut off.
All I wanted to do was remind her of who she used to be, not scare her off. If she could be that girl again, maybe there could actually be an "us". If I could make her see, maybe I could reach that person she'd smothered inside of her.
"It's not your scent that keeps me around, Bella, it's you," I told her. "Which would you rather have? A man that loves you for how you taste, or one that loves you for who you are? I don't want blood from you. I want love."
"Jake…"
"No, listen. That's why I can't do this. I can't be your shoulder. I can't stand here and lie to myself. You love Edward, not me. I know that." Fuck if I liked it. "That's why I'm telling you this. You can stay here, and you can heal, but I can't help you do it this time."
She had to do it. She had to do it all alone, and then she had to wake up, healed, and choose which one of us it was that she really wanted.
"Jake, please…" she tried again, reaching for me.
It was suicide to sidestep away from her reaching hand, but I did it, shooting her a wary glance. She looked torn. Torn, why? Because she wanted me, or because she wanted Edward and me? I couldn't be sure, and that was why I couldn't give her anything. At all.
"It'd be better if you didn't touch me either," I warned. "You give me too much credit for self-restraint."
Bella turned red.
At least she seemed to understand now. Good. I didn't want to fight with her. I didn't want to blow up in her face anymore either. Not now that I could see what it was that I'd done wrong before. If it came down to it, I'd settle for that damn friend zone, but I wouldn't take one step back or forward unless she was the one instigating the movement this time.
"I'm going to take a break. Maybe a nap. I've been at this for awhile now." I gestured to the truck behind me. "See you inside."
I left her standing in the garage, knowing full well when it was a good time to retreat.
Let her stir in that for awhile.
