Review Section
Ash4evr: I agree.
BlackRoseOnFire: I actually had a professor say that to me. Now, I wasn't trying to tell him about my life. He had just mentioned it in passing during my first private lesson with him, because he was talking about how if I didn't go to his class I'd fail. I almost did, too.
Yo gurl Jackie: You hope they stay to get who?
Myung: Oh, I wish to do much more than slap them…
Silentromantik: It's kind of the other way around.
.ashes.rising.: Well, I'm glad to say the part you're looking forward to is finally upon us.
MistyRiver17: The lack of passion in this story is probably due to the fact that it's become frustrating to write, and almost like beating a dead horse.
Kaia Moonchild: Sorry for distracting you during your project. Hope you don't have anything going tonight.
Author's Notes
This is the chapter you've all been waiting for, folks. Yes, this is the climax of the story. One more chapter to go, followed by the epilogue, and then I can finally put this baby to rest. It's about damn time, too.
Disclaimer
I still don't own anything, though I really need to, because if it were up to me, Aiden would have been gone a long time ago.
Anatomy Of A Tidal Wave
Chapter 9
By Persephone's Nautical Nun
Spencer
I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I wasn't. That's the only way I can explain why I did what I did. All I knew was that it felt like a huge part of me was gone. Don't get me wrong, I was relieved. Somehow, a giant pressure was released from my body that I didn't even know was there. It was like being with Ashley was suffocating, but in a good way. Even though I could breathe again, it didn't make up for the fact that I just felt so… empty.
So, I went to Ashley's recital, if only to see her in her element, when she was completely vulnerable, and her walls were down. I hadn't seen her that way in so long, and the temptation to witness it again was just too much.
I didn't want her to see me. I knew if she did, all of her walls would go up, and it would completely defeat the purpose of going in the first place. I managed to camouflage myself in a swarm of music majors as they entered the music building, and into the tiny auditorium where semester recitals were held. I immediately placed myself in the back of the hall, covering my face with a program, making a big deal out of studying who would be performing what that day.
She was about halfway down the list, so I settled myself back into my seat, getting ready to listen to faceless people sing in foreign languages, and play instruments to songs written by old gay men.
I had only been to one music recital before, but that was enough to tell me how this worked. The people performing would always sit in the front row, waiting for their turn, and today was no different. From my vantage point, I could clearly make out Ashley's lithe frame, her head bowed in concentration. I imagined her playing with the tips of her fingers, I nervous habit I had picked up on, but very few people knew she had.
I wish I could talk about the people who went before her. I wish I could say whether they were good or not, but I can't. I was too busy watching Ashley, wishing I was sitting closer to her, and calming her nerves.
Ashley doesn't like to look at people during recitals. They're supposed to give a small bow at the end of their piece to the audience, but that was the most she ever acknowledged the room. I was never more thankful for that than I was that day. I was free to watch her go up the steps onto the stage and sit herself neatly at the piano. She didn't look up once during her trip up there, and when she sang, she kept her eyes slightly raised, as if looking off into a horizon only she could see.
It's when my world
comes down
You want to change your little ways
Tomorrow's
another start
But it looks like every day
My breath caught in my throat at the words echoing around the room. This was different than any other time I had heard her sing. This was so much more powerful. She wasn't singing some pre-written song that happened to be stuck in her head. She was singing something she had written herself, and believed in.
And, I knew it was about me.
You can't imagine
how
I wished that you could be the one
Inside you were not the
same
But you look like everyone
Our eyes locked when she was finished. The one time she looked at the crowd, and she managed to find me. I don't know what I saw in her eyes. They were so clouded, and dark, yet at the same time, I had never seen them more bright.
The eye contact was lost, and she left the stage, moving back to her seat in the front row, not sparing me a second glance. As quietly as I could, I moved through the back row, and left. There was nothing more for me to see.
I walked for a while, just around campus. I had classes, but there was no point in going to any of them. Not that day, anyway. I wouldn't have gotten much out of the lessons. I passed by the room where I had Art Appreciation the previous semester, and stopped by the music library. I walked through the nature trail, and sat on the rail outside the post office, looking out over the court yard for a very long time.
Yet, I still managed to find my way back to her apartment before she did. Official switches hadn't been made, yet, so it was still, technically, my apartment, too, and I still had the key. I made my way inside, setting the key on the coffee table, and sat on the couch, waiting.
It's like a tidal
wave
That wants to take the stars
A hurricane
That wrapped
around my heart
If I could find a way
I'd make a brand new
start
I can't believe
It was the calm that killed the storm
I lost track of how long I had been sitting there. It didn't matter, anyway. There was nowhere else for me to be. The only thing I knew was that it was already dark outside by the time the front door opened, and Ashley walked in.
We had a habit of trying to stare down each other. It was as if we were playing a game of chess, and we were trying to read each other's body language to help us out maneuver the other. We looked at each other for a very long time, as we had done so often in the past.
'Why'd you come, today?" she asked after what felt like hours of silence, her face the same stony, cold mask it had been when she saw me at her recital.
I couldn't have answered that question, even if an answer existed, because that wasn't the point. It didn't matter why I went, only that I was there, and for the first time in a long time, I understood Ashley, and where she was coming from. "You're right," I said, gently. "I'm sorry."
I could tell from her body language that she was trying not to scoff, or laugh at me. I couldn't remember a time I had ever seen her so rigid. I watched as she moved over to the kitchen area, bracing herself against the counter, her back to me. "For what?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
Somehow, I found myself moving towards her, and wrapping my arms around her waist from behind. If it was possible, she stiffened even further, but made no move to pull away. "For everything. For the silence, for the coke. I'm sorry."
"It doesn't matter, anymore," she said, while trying to pull away. I just held onto her tighter, certain that if I let her go this time, she would be lost to me forever. "Let go, Spence."
"No."
Inside you broke my
heart
And took a little piece of me
Maybe one day we'll try
again
But it won't even be the same
Then, before either of us knew what was happening, she was facing me, and our lips were touching. It was like we were freshmen again, discovering each other for the first time. It was how it used to be, and how it was supposed to be. It was gentle, and careful.
And, then it wasn't.
It became rough, and dominating as her hands moved to my shoulders, trying to push me away, while her lips continued to move against mine, and my hands wrapped themselves around her wrists to stop her struggles that weren't really there.
Everything I used to feel, and still felt if I was honest with myself, washed over my body in waves. It was so overpowering that my knees began to shake. Ashley must have noticed this, because she stopped pushing on my shoulders and moved her hands to my hips, pulling me impossibly closer to her.
Clothes began to come off, and hands began to travel, quickly followed by lips, and somehow, I was on my back on the couch, holding Ashley as tightly as I could while she pushed her thigh between my legs.
If I don't hold on
now
Everything fades and slips away
Tomorrow's another
start
But it looks like every day
"Ashley," I whispered as my hand moved to stroke away stray hairs that had matted themselves against her face and neck. She made a noise that sounded somewhere between a moan and a grumble, and nuzzled her face further into my neck. I wanted to let her sleep. Words could never explain how much I wanted to stay exactly as we were, tangled in each other, and falling asleep in each other's arms. But, there was something I needed to talk about, and if I didn't do it then, I knew I never would, and things would just go back to the way they were. "Come on, Ashley," I urged.
She grumbled again and raised her head to look at me, bringing her hand to stroke my cheek softly. When she looked at me, I melted. She looked at me the way she used to, before all the shit happened between us. I hadn't seen her look at me like that for a long time.
"You were right. I don't know anything," I said.
Her brow furrowed, trying to make sense of my random statement. "What are you talking about?"
"When you found out about the coke," I started to explain, running my hand up and down her bare back, hoping to keep her calm. "You said I didn't know anything. You're right. I don't. You never told me."
She moved to get up. I knew she wouldn't want to talk about this, but I just wrapped my arms tighter around her, refusing to let her go. "Ashley, I need you to talk to me. I need you tell me what happened when you ODed, and about rehab. I need to know."
Again, she looked at me for a while, studying my face and my eyes to see if I was serious. After what seemed like an eternity, she nestled back into me, sighing.
"Okay."
It's like a tidal
wave
That wants to take the stars
A hurricane
That wrapped
around my heart
If I could find a way
I'd make a brand new
start
I can't believe
It was the calm that killed the storm
