CHAPTER 10

Friday came and I don't even remember making it through Thursday. I think I had mastered the art of sleepwalking these past two days. I hadn't heard anything from either Kelly or Matt since Wednesday, but I would be meeting Kelly tonight at Molly's. I had decided to tell Kelly everything...everything except that I was in love with Matt and had been for sixteen years. I had managed to live with that secret for nearly half my life now and I would continue to live with it for as long as Kelly and I were in a relationship. He deserved to know about the two kisses that Matt and I shared and hopefully, he would understand. We hadn't really talked about mine and Matt's relationship; in fact, we had never really talked about much since we met...at least not about anything personal. He knew I had been married; I knew he had been engaged once. He knew Matt and I had dated in high school; I knew he had dated a herd of women. That was pretty much it. Our conversations never went too deep.

I think Em was annoyed that I hadn't asked her to join Kelly and me at Molly's. She had been down since Michael left, but I was in no position to offer her comfort right now. My head was a complete mess. I hadn't even told her about the latest developments with Matt, even though she kept hounding me for information. I was thankful that Conway had assigned me the task of services coordinator for the last couple of days. I had to screen all new admissions into the hospital and offer them services and programs for their particular needs. The assignment kept me away from my desk for the better part of day. I was only at my desk first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I had even avoided having lunch with her and had snuck out to my car at the end of the day while she was in the ladies room. I just didn't want to talk about it.

By the time I got home on Friday, I was emotionally exhausted. I hadn't slept well since Wednesday night and that was due to alcohol and a sleep aid. I needed to lie down before going out with Kelly or I wouldn't make it much past 9:00 PM. I took off my clothes, set my phone alarm for 7:00 PM and laid on my bed. Before falling asleep, I decided to text both Kelly and Em.

"Hi Em...sorry I've been such a poop lately. It's nothing you did or didn't do...it's me. My head is a mess right now and you can probably guess why. When I'm ready to talk about it, you'll be the first one I call. Love you, Mads xx"

Hopefully, that would hold her until I was ready to spill my guts.

"Hey handsome...I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight and blowing off some steam. It's been a rough week and there's a bottle of Grey Goose at Molly's with my name on it. See you later...M xx"

More than likely, I would probably wake up to find a text from him asking me to blow something else. I smiled before I closed my eyes and drifted off into unconsciousness for a couple of hours.

I woke up at 7:30...I had thirty minutes to shower, change and drive to Molly's to meet Kelly. I checked my cell; no messages. I had exchanged more text messages in the last year since knowing Em and Kelly that the previous three years total, so it was unusual that neither one of them had answered me. I called Kelly to tell him I had fallen asleep and that I probably wouldn't get there until 8:30 or so. His phone went straight to voicemail, so I left a message. He was probably on his way there and couldn't hear me over the loud hum of his souped up Camaro. I quickly showered, fixed my face and put on one of Kelly's favorite outfits...black jeans, white t-shirt, black leather coat, matching scarf and leather boots with 3" heels. He'd forgive me for being late if I walked in wearing this.

I made the twenty minute drive to Molly's and arrived at 8:25. As I walked up the steps, my stomach let out a growl. I realized that I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I needed to eat something before I drank any alcohol or my ass would be on the floor after the first Cosmopolitan...and I intended to drink my fair share. I walked inside and scanned the room. It was wall to wall people and I was pleased for Dawson, Otis and Herrmann to see it so successful...less so for Otis because he annoyed me, but genuinely happy for the others.

"Madeleine...over here!" I heard Gabriela Dawson's voice calling me from behind the bar. She was standing on something that made her much taller that she was and she was waving me over to her.

"Hi Gabby...the place is packed! I'm so happy for you guys," I said.

"Thanks a lot. We worked really hard. Is Kelly with you?" she asked.

"No...I was supposed to meet him here at 8:00, but I'm a little late. He's not here yet?" I asked, trying not to sound concerned. Why hadn't he responded to my text or answered his phone?

"No, but neither is Shay. Maybe they're coming together. Can I get you something while you wait?" she asked.

"A Cosmopolitan...and some cheese fries...I'm starving!" I said. She laughed and told me my food would be out shortly. She mixed up my cocktail and poured it into a martini glass before setting it in front of me. I pulled out a twenty dollar bill from my wallet, but she waved me off.

"Put your money away. Any friend of Severide's is a friend of ours," she said. She was so much more friendly than Leslie Shay was. I had always suspected that Shay secretly wished she wasn't a lesbian and wanted Kelly all to herself. After less than ten minutes, Dawson brought out my food. I probably looked like a ravenous wildebeest as I shoveled the fries into my mouth and washed it down with the cocktail. I looked at my watch...8:50 PM. I decided I wasn't going to worry until it was absolutely necessary. I finished up my food and Dawson asked me if I'd like another Cosmo.

"Hell, yes!" I said.

"Yep...you are definitely Kelly's kind of girl," she said with a grin. "Not really...but I've learned to adapt to my habitat," I thought to myself. Just then, I felt a rush of cold air on my back as the door to the bar opened. I turned around to see Leslie Shay walking in. Kelly should be right behind her. I watched for him to strut into the bar. I was silently wagering that he'd shake hands with every guy and hug every girl, whether or not he knew them, before making a beeline straight to me. Several people followed in behind Shay, but Kelly wasn't one of them. Now I was beginning to panic.

Dawson called out to Shay over the loud music that was playing on the jukebox. She turned around and started to smile, but her face turned flat and emotionless when she saw me. She approached the bar and sat on the stool next to me.

"The usual?" Dawson asked her.

"Yeah...Corona Light," she said. She was purposely not looking at me and I'd had just enough vodka in me to say something to her.

"Have you got a problem with me, Shay?" I asked straight out. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

"No, Madeleine...not at all...you're Kelly's girlfriend and I respect that," she said. Yeah, right.

"He was supposed to meet me here, but he hasn't shown up yet. He's not with you, but do you know where he is?" I asked.

"Ummm...yeah. He asked me to tell you that he couldn't make it. He's sick in bed...stomach flu or something. He said he'd call you tomorrow," she said, sipping her beer. She seemed nervous to me, like she was hiding something.

"Why didn't he call me himself?" I asked.

"He probably fell asleep, Madeleine," she said, still not looking at me.

"Oh, really...he stayed awake long enough to ask you to tell me he was sick and wouldn't be coming, but not long enough to ask his iPhone to call mine?" I said. I was pissed now...and on my way to being slightly tipsy.

"I can't explain anything that Kelly Severide does," she said. What utter bullshit...and a cop out. I had been through way too much this week to put up with her petty, misguided jealousy or whatever game she was playing. I thanked Dawson and headed out of the bar when I ran into Matthew. He looked rough, but gorgeous. "Goddamn him for doing this to me," I thought.

"Maddy...hey...I've been meaning to call you. Can you sit for a few minutes?" he said softly.

"Yeah...I guess," I said. I had no intention of revisiting the whole "I love you and I love you too" incident from the last time I saw him, but he seemed hell bent on bringing it up. As we sat at a table in the corner, I could feel Leslie Shay's eyes following us. "Fuck off, you skinny bitch," I heard my inner voice say.

"I need to know where I stand, Madeleine. I can't keep going on like this. It's not fair to either of us," he said, sipping a dark beer. He only ever called me Madeleine when he was being serious.

"It's not fair to Kelly either, Matt. I meant what I said the other night, but there is nothing we can do about it, OK? I'm with Kelly now. I'm going to tell him that we kissed. He deserves to know. You'll just have to live with that...and if you feel you can't, then I don't think we can see each other as friends anymore," I said. I meant every word.

"But you love me, not Severide," Matt said, his voice becoming more urgent. Thank God the sound of the crowd drowned him out.

"I never said I didn't love Kelly, Matthew...," I said. I didn't love Kelly. I cared about Kelly, but I didn't think I could ever really love him, but I was willing to try. I owed him that much.I

"I love you, Maddy and now that I've found you again, I don't want to let you go," he said. My heart was breaking. I refused to cry. I had cried a river the last few days and I refused to give in to my emotions again.

"You don't have to let me go, Matthew...but it has to be just as friends or I won't do this," I said.

"If that's what it takes to keep you in my life, then I'll do it," he said, wiping his eyes.

"Thank you," I said. I got up to leave and he followed me to the door.

"We still on for tomorrow morning?" he asked.

"Tomorrow morning?" I said. I had no idea what he was talking about.

"I'm supposed to come over tomorrow to start your kitchen renovations." he said. I had forgotten all about that.

"Of course...but not too early, if that's alright. I need to catch up on my sleep," I said.

"Deal. I'll see you around 11:00, okay?" he asked. I nodded and turned to walk out. I didn't want to give him the chance to touch me, especially not with Leslie Shay watching our every move.

As I got into my car, I called Kelly's cell phone. Still no answer. I decided to drive uptown to his apartment to check on him. I needed to see him and let him know that he was important to me. He had been waiting patiently to hear these words from me and I had an overwhelming need to tell him tonight.

I parked in front of his building, locked my car and took the elevator to his 5th floor apartment. I knocked on the front door and waited. No answer. I tried the doorknob. Locked. I stood there for a few minutes thinking, then remembered there was a spare key on the top of the door frame. Kelly had used it to get in one night when he forgot his own keys at the gym. I stood on my tiptoes and reached up to the top of the door frame, feeling along its length. I located the key and let myself inside. It was dark, except for a the few small spotlights in the kitchen. I looked around the living room, but he wasn't there. I walked up the spiral staircase to the second floor where the bedrooms were. The door to his bedroom was ajar and the light was on. I could hear a few muffled sounds coming from inside. He was probably snoring. His dulcet tones had woken me up several times. I opened the door slowly and was greeted with the sight of Kelly's naked ass in the air. He heard the door squeak as it opened and he jerked his head around.

"Mads! Jesus Christ!" Kelly said. I stood there, unable to move. I watched in disbelief as he scrambled off from on top of the woman he was fucking and fumbled to wrap himself in a sheet. The dark haired woman he was banging let out a shriek as she bolted out of bed and into his closet. "Classy broad," I thought.

I quickly turned and ran back down the spiral stairs, trying not to break my neck in the process.

"Mads...wait!" I heard Kelly calling after me. I had made it to the front door and had opened it when he caught up with me. He pushed his body into me and slammed the door shut with his right hand, pinning me against it. I could feel his hot breath on my neck and I could smell her perfume on him. I wanted to vomit. He turned me around to look at him.

"You son of a bitch," I said, not batting an eyelash. I would not cry. I refused to.

"Mads...please...can we talk at least?" he asked. He was a such a clueless bastard.

"Talk? You want to talk now? With your little slut cowering in the closet? Go to hell, Severide," I said, trying not to raise my voice. He backed off slightly and I quickly turned and jerked the door as hard as I could. I needed to get the hell out of there.

"Oh, she's the slut? You should talk, Mads," said Kelly, raising his voice now.

"Fuck off, you bastard...and leave me alone," I said as I pressed the elevator button.

"This isn't over, Mads. You hear me?" Kelly yelled down the hallway at me. I stepped into the elevator and waited for the doors to close before turning around. If I had seen Kelly's face now, I would have burst into tears. Damn him. Damn all men.

I blindly drove back to my house. My mind was numb. I suddenly wished I could drink like Em because right now, I needed to pass out and forget tonight ever happened. I stripped my clothes off, climbed into bed and swallowed two sleeping pills. How dare he call me a slut. I was the furthest thing from a slut. Was he trying to turn it around on me and just flinging random insults? I laid there thinking and waiting for sleep to take me away from all of it and eventually it did. I prayed I would never wake up.