A/N: I've never had a story with more than 100 reviews, so a million thanks to everyone who takes the time to tell me what they think about the story. I love reading the reviews, so keep it up!
Oh yeah, I'm always a little unsure about ratings, so if anyone thinks that this story should be rated M instead of T, please let me know. There is a lot of violence and sexual situations, so I'm not sure...
Raising a Hand
by LQ Aredhel
Chapter 9
"What's wrong?"
JD stiffened; he'd thought that Daniel was asleep. In fact, he thought Daniel had been unconscious for hours.
JD sometimes couldn't sleep. Sometimes he just wasn't drunk enough, or was too sore and tired to sum up the energy to take a shower. Sometimes he just couldn't stop himself from thinking too deeply about things, and it distracted him from sleep.
Tonight, he'd lain awake for several hours, sure that Daniel was sound asleep, before, without warning, Daniel quietly asked him,
"What's wrong?"
JD turned his head to look at Daniel, afraid that he was angry. He saw mostly curiosity in his friend's eyes.
"Nothing is wrong," JD assured him, wishing he could just fall asleep.
Daniel continued softly, intimately, "You've just been laying there." He slid his hand down JD's cheek. "Do you want me to get you some pills or something? Some warm milk?"
JD shook his head and smiled. Daniel could be so wonderful sometimes. "No, I'm okay. Just thinking, I guess."
"What are you thinking about?" Daniel asked, curling onto his side to watch JD's face. "Do you want to talk about it?"
He'd been thinking about Dr. Cox, about the way his mentor had been treating him lately. It was as though the little respect that the older doctor once held for JD had been washed away since he found out about JD getting hurt. Everything that JD had worked for over the past five-years was dissolved, and he was practically in mourning now, too far gone into despair to even consider trying to regain the smallest bit of confidence that Dr. Cox once had in him. And he really wasn't ready to talk about it. He would just cry; what was the point?
"No, it's okay," JD finally replied. "I was just thinking about work tomorrow. I have a 24-hour shift, and I'm really not looking forward to it."
Daniel nodded. "I'll miss you tomorrow night," he promised, kissing JD's collarbone. "It's been so wonderful having you here every night. So comforting." His kisses moved lower, his hand sliding across JD's stomach.
No, no, not again, was all JD could think, even as his body reacted positively to the soft touches. I just want to go to sleep, just let me go to sleep. His prayers went unanswered, and Daniel rolled over and straddled his lap, kissing him deeply on the lips.
"You know," Daniel began when he paused to catch his breath, "tomorrow is Saturday. You should come over after your shift."
JD nodded, and Daniel smiled and got back to work.
JD never got back to sleep that night. When he went into work he felt like a zombie. He made his way through a routine day without talking to anyone until he sat down for lunch and Carla and Turk sat across from him.
"Bambi," Carla began, looking at him curiously, "how long has it been since you slept at the apartment?"
"Uh..."
Turk cut in, "Yeah, you weren't there this morning when I got up at five a.m.! Where have you been staying?"
"I sleep there sometimes," JD finally replied. He was surprised when his voice was soft and harsh from disuse. He'd barely even spoken to his patients all day. "I've been staying...with a friend."
Carla looked confused. "Why?" Turk nodded.
"I've just, uh..." How was he supposed to justify this one? "I...we watch a lot of movies, and it's late, so I just sleep...on the couch."
Carla blinked. "Oh." She almost seemed hurt. "Well, I really am glad to know that you have a new friend."
"You watch movies with him but not me?" Turk demanded, giving him puppy dog eyes. He lowered his voice and leaned forward. "Have you been avoiding me or something? Did I do something? Just tell me, man..."
"Turk, no, I just..." He trailed off, unsure of what to say. Carla broke back in.
"Well, can we meet your new friend?"
JD dreaded that question; whenever he imagined his friends meeting Daniel, they always realized as soon as they saw Daniel everything that had been going on, and they condemned JD for it. No, they couldn't meet.
"He's always busy," JD mumbled.
"We could all watch a movie at our apartment one night," Carla suggested.
"Yeah, we could all hang out together, right?" Turk agreed hopefully.
"He's just...it's just not a good idea." One part of JD felt bad for hurting their feelings, but another part of him wanted to say something worse to chase them away. He didn't want to hang out with them; he just wanted to spend time with Daniel. He just wanted to keep Daniel happy.
Carla sighed and let it go. She started to talk to Turk about a problem with their mini-coop, and JD zoned out while he picked pieces of bread from his hamburger bun. He hadn't been hungry lately, but he always ended up buying something for lunch out of habit. In fact, if he thought about it hard enough, it seemed as though he'd been subsisting off of beer alone for several days.
He shook his head to clear his mind; that couldn't be right. Calling through his tired mind was the fact that it really wasn't healthy to eat and drink nothing except beer for so long. He slowly tore off another piece of bread and lifted it to his mouth.
"Are you going to eat that?" Elliot asked as she slid into the seat next to him. Carla and Turk greeted her, and JD (his stomach twisting at the idea of eating any more of his burger) slid his tray in front of her. "Thanks, I'm starving. I woke up late and had to run in without breakfast."
JD smiled weakly at her, and Carla started to talk to her. Turk dug into his own burger, still looking slightly sad.
Maybe, JD thought, he could take a week off and just spend time with Daniel. Maybe if he spent enough days and hours with him, then he could spend one night with Turk. Would that make up for it? One week for one night...Daniel probably wouldn't like it, he would think that JD was abandoning him, that he'd rather be with Turk than Daniel. It wasn't true, of course; he just wanted to get rid of that disappointed look on Turk's face. But Daniel would never go for it...
"Okay, tomorrow night then," Elliot declared loudly, pulling JD from his thoughts. "We'll meet at that club, 42. I'll see you guys then, I've got to go. I'm not actually on break." She scampered off, half-eaten hamburger in one hand, and JD gave Carla a questioning look.
"Oh, we're just getting together tomorrow night," Carla explained. Her face suddenly blanched. "Do you want to come?" She asked quickly.
"No, that's okay. I already have plans." Ouch. JD never realized how much it would hurt for his friends to not beg him to hang out.
Carla looked relieved. "Sorry, we just figured...you know, since you've been spending so much time with...what was his name again?"
JD rose to go. "No, it's fine. I've got to head back to work." He left the cafeteria quickly.
It was a small thing; that's what he kept telling himself as he checked on each of his patients. He wouldn't have gone, even if they had thought to ask him. But the fact that they didn't made his heart heavy and followed him through the next several hours. Eventually, JD found himself sitting on the side of the bed of a comatose patient, heavy with exhaustion. He just wanted to settle onto Daniel's couch. He pretended to be there. There were still seventeen hours left in his shift.
"Janice, taking a little break, are we?" Dr. Cox was suddenly standing above him. "God forbid you should actually work...at work. As crazy as it sounds, it's what most of the people around here come to expect of you when you start to receive money in exchange for your services." He paused, waiting for a reply. JD slouched even lower on the bed.
JD was waiting for a poke, a prod, something to come that would cut through him like Dr. Cox had so often been doing lately. Nothing came, and JD hesitantly glanced up.
"So you are awake. Lucky me. Listen Shania, I know you probably ran into another light-weight challenger at the bar last night and got in a few pot-shots before he bopped you one-too-many, but you're just going to have to brush that off and work with me here. We've got Mr. Whitfield coming in for a follow up on his case of herpangina." He kneeled down, eye-level with JD. "You worked on it with me last time, you're working on it with me tonight. Got it?"
JD nodded, feeling a tiny flame of hope flaring inside of him. It was a chance to prove himself to his mentor once again.
Dr. Cox sighed sharply and stood again, pacing the room. "I don't know what the hell has been wrong with you lately, but you've got to get over it, alright?" He stopped in front of JD again, staring him in the eye. "You've just got to move on, got it?"
JD nodded; he could do that, he could do anything to reclaim his former relationship with his mentor. Just the fact that Dr. Cox was in the room having a real conversation with him without poking him in the ribs (literally or figuratively) was a step in the right direction.
"I'll probably really really really regret this later, but...just go back to the regular JD. Can you do that?"
He said my name, was all JD could really think about. It seems Dr. Cox was thinking along the same lines, because he quickly stood and moved away, shedding his gentle voice for an angry, demanding one.
"Right, just get over it. And get back to work." He stormed out of the room.
JD sat on straighter. His vision seemed to clear and the sounds and smells of the room intensified. Dr. Cox had used his name, probably accidentally, but that only made it more personal. He wanted JD to be like he was before. At first JD wasn't sure what he'd meant; he could barely remember when he was any different. But then he thought of when he used to hang out with his friends and play stupid pranks and make jokes...all of the stupid things that Dr. Cox hated him for. That's the way he was supposed to act. So that's the way he would be from now on.
With new determination, JD continued caring for his patients, making sure to greet each new face with a smile – a grin if he could manage it – and every time he saw Carla or Turk or Elliot he would quickly think of a stupid joke and spew it before anyone had a chance to say anything to him. It was usually a joke he'd already told – it was hard coming up with good new ones when he really didn't care – but they all laughed and rolled their eyes anyway in that familiar way JD had seen a thousand times before, a thousand jokes before.
All the while, JD kept reminding himself that he was doing exactly as Dr. Cox had asked; this was what his mentor wanted him to do, wanted him to be like. If he could just keep it up, just keep smiling away until the end of his shift – until he could get to Daniel's apartment – then maybe he could earn back Dr. Cox's respect.
It surprised JD how much he cared about what Dr. Cox thought of him; for the past couple of weeks, he'd only cared about how Daniel felt, about whether or not Daniel was upset with him or happy with him. But as he raced around with energy he didn't know his body still possessed, JD knew that if he could just make Dr. Cox proud of him, he could go home to Daniel and be truly happy. It was the one missing piece, and it was finally falling into place.
Around eight o'clock that night, Dr. Cox woke JD from a quick nap and dragged him down to Mr. Whitfield's room. They talked to the patient, ran a few tests, and (best of all) sat in Dr. Cox's office and had a few long discussions about the complications of the illness and the best ways to treat it in Mr. Whitfield. Everything was cleared from JD's mind except for medicine as he put all of his efforts into being the best doctor he could be, and at one point in the evening he even told a horrible joke – a new one – without forcing himself to. It only received Dr. Cox's cold and steady glare in exchange, but it was worth it to completely feel like himself again, to not feel weighted down by the demands of every day life.
After working for over ten hours, Dr. Cox declared it a night and told JD to head home early. He didn't say anything about how hard JD had worked, or about the way the younger doctor appeared more energetic and, well, awake than usual. But at no time during the night did Dr. Cox make a derogatory remark about him; there were no pokes, no prods, no shots at his masculinity. JD wasn't sure whether Dr. Cox was just too tired to put much effort into torturing him for so many hours, or if he really was just doing a good job, giving his mentor nothing to harass him about. Was it too much to hope for?
Either way, JD felt oddly refreshed for just getting off of an all-night shift as he hopped onto Sasha and made his way across town to Daniel's apartment.
He was two hours early, but he knew that Daniel wouldn't mind. In fact, when Daniel's tired and pillow-creased face finally answered the door, it broke into a wide grin when he realized who was standing there.
"You're early!" Daniel proclaimed, opening the door wide. "I should really make you a key. That way you could just sneak in and surprise me."
JD grinned back, tossing his backpack next to the couch and flopping down; it felt good to be home.
"I'm sorry for waking you," JD said. "Dr. Cox let me off early. We spent all night working on a herpangina patient, and I think he was really happy with me." Daniel just nodded, looking oddly surprised. "I mean, he's been kind of mean to me lately...for some reason...and I didn't think he liked me anymore."
"You didn't think...that he liked you anymore?" Daniel repeated flatly.
"Well...I thought that maybe I'd lost his respect," JD explained, suddenly feeling nervous; Daniel was giving him an odd look, an annoyed look that could quickly became angry. At least he wasn't drunk. Not that that always made a difference.
Daniel sighed, leaning against the wall next to his door. JD rose from the couch when it was obvious that Daniel wasn't going to join him.
"So let me get this straight," Daniel began. "You spend all night with this guy, even though he's been mean to you – and from what I've gathered has pretty much always been mean to you – and then come home all giddy to brag to me about how much he likes you now. Did I get it all?" JD started to say something, but was cut off by, "Oh, and I forgot how you were so disappointed because he was supposed to like manly men. Just like your other friends, he treats you like dirt! Can't you see how stupid it is for you to keep going back to someone like that?!"
JD was speechless, completely stunned.
"If he's supposed to be such an asshole, leave him the hell alone! If he only likes manly guys, he's not going to be attracted to you, so get over it! How stupid can you be, Johnny! You just have to wake up and accept that some people just aren't meant for one another!"
"But he's not--"
JD was cut off by a punch to the jaw, sending him sprawling across the back of the couch. He rose tentatively, eyes screwed shut, and carefully opened and closed his mouth, checking his lip for breaks as Daniel continued to speak.
"I don't know what to do anymore, you know? I mean, maybe it's best if you just get a different job, maybe at a different hospital. I could probably get you a job at the college, even, that way we could work together, I could look out for you and make sure things like this don't happen anymore." JD turned to look at him, listening silently. There was a small cut on his bottom lip. "I know that you're just naïve and that's not always a bad thing. But sometimes you see something in a person that isn't there; you see warmth in this older doctor that doesn't actually exist inside of him. It's all in your head and you have to understand that. Do you understand that, Johnny?"
JD nodded. A lot of people told him that. Turk used to tell him that. Dr. Cox was just an angry man who didn't care about anyone. He hadn't wanted to believe it. He still didn't want to believe it. But he didn't really have a good argument against it.
"He doesn't care about you any more than your friends do," Daniel explained. "He's just using you for kicks, watching you squirm under him. You run to do whatever he tells you, you constantly berate yourself and change yourself based on how he perceives you."
"He's a good doctor," JD quietly spoke up, even though everything inside of him was telling him to silently listen and accept whatever Daniel said. "I want to be as good as he is. I want to be like him, so I ...I emulate him. It isn't anything more than that, we're not--" He stopped abruptly when Daniel raised his fist.
"Just shut up about him!" Daniel screamed, taking several steps forward until he pressed JD up to the wall. "Stop talking about him like he's your fucking God! I'm your God now! I'm the only person who loves you in this whole world, yet you keep on going on about some guy who despises you! Can't you see how pathetic it is!? You're pathetic!" He swung and hit JD on the opposite cheek, causing his head to swing back and hit the wall hard. JD began to slide down, but Daniel hefted him up by one arm and threw him onto the living room floor.
"You're pathetic, you're weak!" Daniel cried as he kicked JD in the side over and over again. "You can't see the good thing you have right in front of your face! You run back to those bastards who don't even care about you! You don't know when to shut up! Why won't you just listen to me!? Why won't you trust me!?"
The screaming eventually faded, and JD could no longer feel the rough kicks against his ribs. He was only aware of the metallic taste in his mouth and the realization that everything Daniel said was right.
