Just wanted to let y'all know that I've posted a couple of chapters now in the sequel, cleverly called "Post-Apocalyptic TRAVEL Survival Guide." :D
...in which stella and daryl begin a new adventure.
And we all lived happily ever after, right? You know, she was healed by the love of a good man, he was healed by the love of a good woman, and everyone holds hands and sings 'Kumbaya'? Well, not exactly. Because, you see, that summer was HOT. Absurdly hot, hell on the surface of the sun hot. And remember, we didn't have air conditioning and were living in what was essentially a garage. (Oh yeah, Daryl did move in with me. Seemed like a waste to have two places when he was always at mine.) That was enough to wreak havoc with even the most patient, most serene people, and Daryl and I were neither of those.
So that you are really clear on what I'm talking about when I say a scorching summer, imagine that you are living in Florida in August, only there are no cool ocean breezes and about 100% humidity. Picture Disneyland on a day when it's wall to wall people, sun beating down, asphalt so hot your feet stick to it. No nice cool shops and restaurants to seek refuge in. No fucking frozen lemonade. Maddeningly miserable, right? That was life in our town in July.
We'd been through summers like this before, although in everyone's mind this was the absolute worst ever, never mind what Michelle, our records keeper, said to the contrary. Over the years, we had developed different strategies for easing the misery a bit. The first was that we all adjusted our schedules so that we avoided working during the hottest part of the days. It was like an unofficial siesta, even though no one was really able to sleep during those brutal early afternoon hours. We also got used to seeing a lot more of each other's bodies. People walked around in as few clothes as they felt comfortable in (and there were a few who were comfortable au naturale, but they were of course the ones you'd wished felt a little less at ease with their bodies). People started sleeping out in the fields where there was more hope to catch a breeze, if you could put up with the mosquitoes and ticks.
However, despite all of our efforts, we were completely miserable. It was just stupid-hot, and there was not a whole hell of a lot we could do about it. We had to get used to being coated with a layer of sweat and grime at all times. The worst thing by far was that we were all pretty much insomniacs now. You try sleeping when it's 80 degrees, and the stagnant air feels like it weighs about a thousand pounds. Naturally, lack of sleep leads to very short tempers, aaand that's where we'll pick up.
Oh wait, another interesting little development: I absolutely could not quit thinking about my family. Ever since I'd made that stoned confession to Daryl, it was the troll in the back of my mind, popping up to annoy me when I was trying to think of other things. In the middle of my sleepless nights, I would start thinking, Hey, what if they made it through? What if they are alive in well somewhere, just like you are? What if they are starving and need help? You really would do something about that if you care about them at all. Obnoxious, right? So add that to my current state of being sleep-deprived, overworked and heat-stroked, and hopefully you'll be more sympathetic when you see what a bitch I'd become.
I had come home midday, when it became too punishing and dangerous to work out in the garden. The day was cloudy and more humid than ever, as unbelievable as that was. I was hoping the clouds held the promise of rain, but I'd had those hopes dashed numerous times in the last month. I had been planning to stay in the root cellar because it was a lot cooler down there, being that it was underground. Unfortunately, too many people had the same idea, and not only was there no room for me, all the warm bodies down there made it so it didn't really feel all that much better anyway. So, dirty, sweaty, and grouchy, I headed for home.
Daryl was there when I arrived, sitting in nothing but boxers. He had his eyes closed and a wet rag on his head. "Hey," he said, barely opening an eye to watch me come in.
"Hey." I immediately stripped to my underwear when I walked through the open garage door, and lay down on the concrete floor, hoping that it would be even the slightest bit cool. Not so much, but any little bit helped.
Two months ago - and probably (hopefully) even two months from now - the sight of each other in our skivvies would have led to some wicked crazy sex, but at this point it did not even register on the radar. I managed to drift off to sleep when he asked, "You wanna go for a ride? Breeze might feel good."
Jesus Christ, I was just about to fucking fall asleep! I felt the irrational need to scream at him, but with superhuman strength I was able to curb that desire, and managed to say in a very strained tone, "No, I'd rather sleep."
My bad attitude sparked his, which was probably already simmering below the surface. "Well fucking forgive ME for wantin' to spend time with my girlfriend." Daryl sat up and threw the rag on the floor. "Goddamn thing isn't even cold." He lit up a cigarette.
"Seriously? You're smoking? It's blazing-ass hot and you're smoking a fucking cigarette! Where the fuck do you even FIND-"
"Jesus woman, lay off me, a'right? It's just one fucking thing after another with you." He got up and threw a pair of jeans on and started to gather up some of his shit.
This annoyed the hell out of me, too, because that was his go-to response when we fought. He'd disappear for hours and then show up later with no explanation of any kind. But I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths to calm my raging temper. "Serenity now, serenity now," I whispered.
"Oh, would ya stop that shit? It's not fuckin' funny," he snapped.
"Go to hell," I shot back, and then looked up at him. His back was to me, but I could see his muscles coiled like a snake ready to strike. Without another word, he grabbed his crossbow and stormed outside. I knew he was headed to the woods, which I hated, and I knew he was furious with me, which I hated too. But I was SO PISSED OFF, I couldn't bring myself to say anything to stop him, so I just watched him stalk off towards the gate. Left alone there on the floor, I burst into tears. I let myself cry for a few minutes because it felt unreasonably good, then pulled myself together and went to find Marie.
0000000
Marie was sitting alone under some trees at the edge of the field, looking about as evil as I felt. "I'm going to kill him," Marie declared as I approached. "There is no reasonable justification for it, but I want him dead, and I want it to be at my hands."
"I am so glad to hear it's not just me and Daryl," I sighed as I flopped down on the ground. "It's like every little thing he does sets me off, and he's a fucking powder keg, so it doesn't take much.
"It's this goddamn satanic heat. No one can behave like a rational human being in this." She grabbed the front of her shirt and tried to fan herself.
"I think I've had maybe eight hours of sleep total in the last fucking week," I told her miserably. "And we've been fighting like cats and dogs for about a month. I don't even know how to stop it. We fight, Daryl disappears into the woods, I am a wreck while he's gone, and that just adds to my hair-trigger temper which causes more arguments."
"I predict several homicides before this weather breaks." Marie swiped futilely at the sweat that was dripping into her eyes. "I sincerely hope I'm not the perpetrator of one of them."
"It's not just the heat, though. All those nights I'm awake, I have a loop running in my head that consists of, You better go looking for Dad and your brothers. You're their only hope. Like I'm goddamn Princess Leia or something. And really, what the hell can I do? I can't just go off on a crusade to find them."
Marie sat silently for a second, then said, "You need to tell him what's on your mind. Take it from an old married woman, it's better they know what's going on in your head, or they will jump to all the wrong conclusions on their own."
I laughed. "God Marie, when did you start giving actual smart advice?"
"Don't start shit with me, woman. You don't want to be added to my list," she said, chuckling.
"Hey! Marie! Stella! Hey!" We both looked up to see Beth running across the field towards us. She was scarlet red and looked about to pass out when she reached us.
"Damn it, Beth! You shouldn't be running around in this heat!" Marie scolded her.
"It's Maggie! She's having her baby!" Beth looked nervous but excited, too.
We went back to the infirmary with her, hanging onto her to keep her from breaking into a run again. Once again, the same crowd was assembled as the last time Maggie was there, but now the overall atmosphere was decidedly much more cheerful. Daryl either had not left or had returned early, because he was standing there with the others, still shirtless, his crossbow at his feet.
"Goddamn, girl," Marie said to me. "You sure you wouldn't rather fuck him than kill him?"
"Maybe fuck him, THEN kill him." Daryl watched me as I approached but didn't offer any kind of greeting. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I didn't want an audience for however it would go down, so I just sat down without saying anything to him.
Thankfully, Maggie's delivery went quickly and smoothly. Glenn stuck his head out the infirmary door to let us know that it was a boy, and we all cheered. "Glad to see you made it through, too!" Carl ribbed him. A short time later, Herschel came to the door and announced proudly, "You can come in a couple at a time to see my handsome grandson!" We looked around at each other to try to determine who would get to go first, and Herschel relented, "Aw hell, all of you come on in."
All ten of us piled in. Maggie looked radiant, if exhausted. Glenn was also beaming and somehow looked more done in than Maggie. "We'd like to name him Rick, if that's OK with you guys," Maggie declared, looking at Carl and Judith.
Carl's face was clouded with emotion. "Yes, absolutely," he said, as Judith tugged at his sleeve and crowed, "That's Daddy's name!" He started to say more, but broke off as he tried to fight back tears. Beth hugged him tightly and smiled at Maggie.
I shot a look at Daryl, who once again had that unreadable expression that had lately so infuriated me. I took a step in his direction, but he was moving towards Maggie. "OK if I hold him?"
Without hesitation, she handed the baby to Daryl, who took him with an expertise and ease that I never could have anticipated. Cradling the little guy in his arms, Daryl beamed down at him. "Hope you look more like your mama than your daddy," he muttered, grinning.
We all laughed at that. Herschel asked, "So what are you going to call him?"
"I dunno. Can't think of any name that would fit this little guy better 'n Rick."
0000000
That evening, I took Marie's advice and came clean. It was challenging from the start because I had to find Daryl first. He didn't come to dinner, so I sat among our friends who were talking excitedly about Maggie and Glenn and the baby. I really was happy for them, but it was hard to focus on the conversation because I was so preoccupied with my own thoughts. I picked idly at my food.
Suddenly, we heard a rumble of thunder. Immediately, everyone in the kitchen stopped in mid-conversation and looked hopefully at the sky. Another rumble, and the conversations started back up even more animatedly than before, now that we were all thinking that maybe, possibly it might rain. A few minutes later, there was another rumble that I thought was more thunder but quickly realized was Daryl's motorcycle.
Goddammit, he is NOT leaving without me this time. Without a word to the others, I took off running back to our place. It was just a short run, but with the heat and all, I felt like I was going to die by the time I caught him. Red-faced and gasping, I panted, "Can I…Can…I…come with…you?"
Something about the sight of me disheveled and asthmatic caused a nearly imperceptible smile to creep across his face. I wasn't sure if it was a good sign that my near-asphyxiation was amusing to him, but I decided that a smile for any reason was better than a scowl, so I'd take it. "Sure," he muttered.
I hopped on the bike and slipped my arms around his waist. I felt awkward at first, and I could feel him tense up. Then I realized how much I'd missed being close to him and pressed my chest against his back because what the hell was he going to do, dump me off? I immediately felt him relax and oh, life was suddenly so good again. We headed out the gate and onto the road. The air was heavy with the possibility of rain, but he was right about the breeze from riding helping. The roads were empty of walkers, but I did notice squirrels, rabbits, and birds going about their business as if life had not changed at all for them. I started to think, maybe going to look for my family isn't such a crazy idea. Maybe I could do it with Daryl….
After all too brief a joyride, Daryl pulled up in front of an abandoned farmhouse sitting in a wide open field of tall grass and wildflowers. As we walked up onto the porch, Daryl nodded to the shovel that was leaning up against the porch railing. "Keep that handy. I'm gonna make sure we don't get any surprises." He silently went inside to sweep for walkers. In a minute, I heard the distinctive wet thunk of an arrow hitting its mark, and then he was back, wiping the arrow on a shred of old curtain.
We sat on the porch steps, keeping our weapons handy just in case, and watched the lightning show in the clouds approaching from the west. Both of us were silent, sitting inches apart but not actually touching. Come on, just open your fucking mouth and apologize for being such a horrendous bitch. Two words – I'm sorry. How hard is that? I finally opened my mouth to say something, but the minute I did that, Daryl started talking.
"Look, I'm real sorry for bein' such an asshole lately."
"Shit, you haven't been half the asshole I've been. I was just getting ready to apologize for being a phenomenal raging bitch."
He shot me a sidelong glance and that killer smirk that I'd missed for so many weeks. "Well, we're just two peas in a fuckin' pod now, aren't we?" He picked at the paint peeling off the porch steps. "I've just been so antsy lately. I guess it's the goddamn heat or somethin', but…"
"Jesus, it's been un-fucking-believable."
"It's like I'm itchin' for something to happen. Maybe I'm not used to being able to relax or somethin'. Just can't hold still." A blinding bolt of lightning in the distance drew our attention for a second. I could feel my scalp prickle with the electricity in the air. "Wandering 'round in the woods is the only thing that makes me feel right."
I was silent for a minute, processing this new information. I'd assumed I was driving him away. The fact that it was him wanting to leave made me feel both better and worse. He must have sensed my unease because he wrapped his arm around me and kissed me on the forehead. "Not gonna go anywhere 'thout you, though."
I heaved a massive sigh of relief. "So I guess it's only fair you know the shit that's been going on in my head. You remember how I told you about wondering where my family was?" He nodded. "Well, you totally opened a can of worms with that one. I can't stop thinking about it now. I mean, what if they are really still alive? What if it's possible to find them and bring them back?" Voicing my biggest fear, I said more quietly, "What if they need help, and I could do something about it?"
Daryl turned so he was looking me in the eyes. "Wouldn't be easy. There's a lotta evil people out here, alive or dead."
I looked down. "I know. It's nuts. I guess I was just thinking how it really wasn't that far, back before things went to shit. Weird how what was a two hours' drive is now a fool's mission." I chewed on my lower lip, sighing again. "I just need to get it out of my head."
All of the sudden, it began to rain. Just a light, misty drizzle at first. I stuck my hand out in disbelief to see if it was actually real. "Holy shit-" I started, and then the clouds opened up in a downpour. I shrieked with delight and ran out to stand in it. It was unbelievable, after all those hot, dry, unbearable weeks to feel cold, cold rain washing the dirt and sweat off my skin. I danced around, giggling with delight. Then I realized Daryl was still sitting on the porch watching me with a grin on his face. Oh man, how I've missed that sight! I ran over to him and grabbed his hand. "What are you waiting for? Come on!" I drug him out into the yard with me, and we both stood there for a second, letting the rain drench us. He put his arms around me and kissed me for a long, slow, delicious minute.
I pulled away and looked up at him. "Shit, I almost forgot what that felt like." Then I kissed him again, and it quickly became urgent that we get out of our clothes and into each other as soon as humanly possible. Back up on the porch, we made up for a month of celibacy in an instant. There was no time for foreplay; he was inside me in minutes. We were both moaning and screaming and reveling in the lack of neighbors who could be disturbed. Jesus Christ, how did we ever not do this?
Afterwards, as I was lying in his arms, he asked, "So what were we fightin' about?"
I giggled. "I have no fucking clue." I closed my eyes and listened to the rain drum on the roof above us. Suddenly, I felt his muscles tense and looked up to see a walker that had staggered up to the porch.
In a flash, he had the shovel in hand. "What the fuck you looking at, perv?" he demanded of the walker and smashed what was left of its skull in.
Despite my terror mere seconds ago, I laughed. "Seriously, are you sure you're for real? Like, you weren't created by some writer as the ultimate redneck zombie-killing badass?"
He snorted. "Would ya love me less if I was? C'mon, I think all your screamin' got us some unwelcome attention."
0000000
Things definitely improved after that. The weather was still shit, but during our sleepless nights, Daryl and I actually talked or - even better - had sex, instead of fighting or sulking. We spent a lot of time with Lil Rick, as Daryl was now calling him. It was absolutely the sweetest thing ever to see him with a baby. Somehow, he looked even hotter holding an infant. (Honestly, it was amazing that the man didn't just burst into flames.) During one of our late night conversations, we talked about kids. I asked him if he'd ever thought about it.
"Nah, not really. Before, I don't think it woulda crossed my mind. Then, who the hell woulda wanted a kid after the walkers showed up? I love Lil Ass Kicker, but man it ain't easy to take care of a kid when you're fighting to stay alive. Now? I think I'm just gettin' too old." He rolled over to face me. "How 'bout you?"
"Aww, you're not that old. 40 is the new 30, you know?" Daryl chuckled at that, and I continued, "I think I was just too young before. I was still in school, so I figured I had a million years to think about having a baby. And until now, I wouldn't have even had the opportunity to create a kid, even if I wanted one," I laughed. "I love kids, but I'm not sure this is the best world to bring one into."
As the weeks went on, as much as I tried not to think about it, I was still preoccupied with the possibility, remote and stupid though it was, of finding my family. I had found an old atlas and pored over all the potential routes they could have taken if they actually had left to get to me. I tried to anticipate where they could possibly have ended up between Lexington and my farm. I ran scenarios over and over in my head where I tried to eliminate the myriad of variables that were sure to present themselves if we were insane enough to embark on this mission. I kept coming to the same conclusions: it would be a miracle if we actually located them, but regardless, I would not be able to quit thinking about it unless we tried.
I got the feeling Daryl might have been thinking about it, too. He didn't really bring it up, except to ask where my dad and brothers would have been coming from and where they were headed. That was all he asked, but it left me feeling that he might have been considering the possibilities. Then one morning he ended my speculation.
"Y'know, Funny Girl, I think it's worth a shot," he said out of nowhere.
I had just woken up and was still groggy. "What is?"
"Lookin' for your family. It's not that far. Prob'ly could make it in a day, maybe less if the roads aren't too bad."
My heart started pounding, and I was suddenly wide awake. "Are you sure? How would we get there? Would we use one of your guys' cars? What if it broke down? I don't think we'd make it on foot." The thought of us traipsing through the woods surrounded by walkers terrified me. "I mean, I'm sure your brother would be looking out for us or whatever, but I don't know that I could count on that."
He smiled wryly. "Such an unbeliever. Doncha think I'd keep you safe?"
"I have no doubt that you'd do your damnedest to." I stared hard at him. "Are you fucking with me? Because that would just be mean."
"Nope. I don't think you'll be able to let it rest unless you try. And I get it. I never stopped lookin' for my brother when we were in Atlanta."
He was right – I wouldn't stop thinking about it, but shit, was it worth risking my life and his to satisfy my curiosity? I said as much to Daryl.
"It's way more than curiosity. They're your kin. You wanna know you did right by them."
My stomach was in knots. He was right again, but there was no way I could make that decision yet.
However, a couple more weeks of obsession was enough to prompt me to make a choice. As much as I hated keeping it from her, I couldn't ask Marie for her advice because this was not something she'd be objective about. She would hate the idea, and I was trying to postpone incurring her wrath until the last possible moment. Of course, she knew something was bothering me, so instead I had to endure a couple of weeks of her hounding me about what the hell my problem was.
After another long, long night of discussion of the pros, cons, and potential for death and dismemberment, Daryl told me he was behind me 100%, whatever I decided. When I said I wanted to give it a shot, we pulled out the atlas and started planning our route. We marked the point where Dad and my brothers would have been starting from, and my farm where they would have been headed.
"When you guys left Louisville, did you leave a note or anything, in case they made it?" Daryl asked.
"Yeah, we told them we were headed to Indy." I rubbed my eyes, realizing that now there was another potential snag I hadn't anticipated. "Shit, they could have gone to fucking Indianapolis," I groaned. "That about doubles our search area."
"Hey darlin', one thing at a time. Where are they most likely to be? Somewhere between Louisville and Lexington, right? And we'll cover some of the ground between Indy and Louisville by heading down from here. If we don't find them the way we go this time, we'll go to Indy next time." He had a couple of colored pencils and was marking the roads we were going to take.
"Oh man, next time? You don't think we'll find them this time?"
Daryl leaned over and kissed me. "We are going to find them. No question about it." He went back to his coloring. "Am I the only one Zen around here?"
I put my head in my hands and watched him work. If only I had his confidence.
0000000
Once we had all the details sorted out, I knew I couldn't put off telling Marie any longer. She came over to our place after dinner one night. When I told her what our plans were, she said in no uncertain terms that we were both completely, certifiably insane.
"You're fucking kidding me, right?" she said, looking at me in disbelief.
I shook my head.
She glared at Daryl. "So what, is this your idea? Something to do to relieve your boredom or some shit like that?"
Daryl started to say something, but I interrupted. "This is MY idea. You know that this has been eating at me for months. I just need to know what happened to them. When realized we could go and get back on a tank of gas, we decided we had to at least give it a shot."
Marie snorted. "Sure, that sounds so nice and simple, but you know it probably won't be that easy. What if you can't get through on the roads? What if the car breaks down? It's not like you can call AAA or anything."
"We've thought about all that. We're going to prepare for all the possibilities as much as we can, but we decided we're going to take the chance." I looked over at Daryl, who was now sitting outside, having left to give us some privacy. "And seriously, could I possibly be in better hands than his?"
She laughed. "You have a point there. In more ways that one." She looked at me solemnly. "Stella, what if you don't find them? Or what if you don't like what you find when you get there? Will you be able to handle it?"
I considered that silently for a few minutes, and then said finally, "I think knowing is better than wondering. Even if it's something awful, or even if I don't find anything at all, I'll have at least tried, and I'll feel better knowing that."
Marie didn't look convinced, but she said, "You have one week, OK? If you're not back in one week, I'm never speaking to you again, got it?"
I smiled and hugged her. "One week is all it will take."
0000000
Breaking it to the rest of the group was much easier than telling Marie, although they weren't any happier to hear about it than she was. We had to field the same sort of "Are you both completely batshit insane?" questions, but we would not be deterred. Thankfully, Daryl was an excellent planner and had a response for most of the "what ifs" that they asked. In the end, though, we had to acknowledge that there were a lot of variables that we had no control over. I myself was trying desperately not to focus on all the uncertainties and just concentrate on the fact that we were going to find my family and bring them safely back in the course of one week.
We had talked to the town council about our plans, and they'd agreed to provide enough gas to fill up the truck that Maggie and Glenn had arrived in, plus another two gallons in a container we would stow in the truck bed. In return, we promised to try to find gas while we were out and come back with a full tank, and also scavenge anything useful to bring back to town. Maggie was going to take over the garden temporarily while I was gone to make sure that things kept running smoothly. Carol and Beth suggested we have another party before we left, but I refused, telling them we were just going to be gone a week. We would be back. I was trying to reassure myself of that as much as them. It's just seven days, that's all.
Packing was another trick. We were taking the truck because it had four-wheel drive and got the best gas mileage, but still had room to bring my family back with us, although I didn't envy them having to bounce around in the truck bed over what promised to be pretty shitty roads. We'd sleep in the back of the truck, unless we found some compounds where we could stay. Daryl was pretty wary of that idea, though. He had encountered a lot of asshole and nutjobs on his trek from the prison to our town. Naturally he brought his crossbow and I had my hatchet, and Donnie gave us his .38 to take as a just in case. With clothes, food, and other sundries packed, the truck ended up being pretty crammed.
"I guess we'll have to dump some of this stuff if we find my family," I commented, as Marie and I watched Daryl pack up the last of our stuff.
Overhearing me, Daryl yelled over at us, "What do you mean if? Ain't no if about it."
I smiled at him. "Who'd have figured Gun Show for an optimist," Marie laughed. "Well, if nothing else, it's a gorgeous day for a drive."
I looked up at the deep blue sky. It was a clear, cool September morning, and somewhere deep down below all the anxiety about leaving, I felt the tiniest tickle of excitement for our journey.
At the gate, we said our good-byes to everyone. There were a few tears, but mostly people put on their game faces and wished us good luck on our search. Maggie squeezed the air out of me, and then handed me a CD. It was one of the CDs Human Disaster had made that we handed out at our shows.
"What's this for?" I asked. "And where the hell did you find it?" I hadn't seen a CD in ages, since there really was no way to play them.
"I brought it with me when we came here. And there's a CD player in the car," she explained. "I thought you'd want some music for the road."
"Holy shit, I totally forgot about that! Thank you!" I hugged her again. "Love ya, and I'll see you in seven days."
"Love you, too." Marie gave Daryl a steely look as he approached. "You've got one week to bring my girl back, got it?"
Daryl raised his right hand. "I do solemnly swear." To me, he asked, "OK, Funny Girl, are you ready to hit the road?"
My stomach was turning somersaults, but I nodded. Swallowing hard, I forced a grin onto my face. "Yep, let's go."
We climbed into the truck, Daryl turned the key, and the engine roared to life. He leaned over and gave me a kiss. Giving me that fucking irresistible smirk, he asked, "You feelin' pretty Zen?"
I put the CD in and we drove off, windows down, music blaring. Resting my head on the door frame, I replied, "100%." I had no fucking clue how this would turn out, but I was ready to see where the road took us.
Had a dream, you and me and the war of the end times….
last chapter, y'all! i had so much fun writing this, and i kinda left it open for a sequel, but while i was writing this i had a great idea for some non-fanfic, so i'm going to work on that for a while. thanks for all the support & i hope you enjoyed the story!
last line is from "calamity song," by the decemberists.
