PSMANIAC: Chapter Nine already! I'm at the ninth chapter and I still own nothing! Oh well.


Chapter 9: Birthday Bash

Oxide and his gang are in a rather old looking spaceship with a big "RENT ME!" on one side. Oxide gazes at Earth.

OXIDE: It is time for the attack!

He presses The Button! Nothing happens.

OXIDE: What! Grr...

He presses it repeatedly.

OXIDE: Why won't it WORK!

He slams his fists onto the control panel.

COMPUTER: Landing sequence activated.

OXIDE: There we go!

They head towards N. Sanity Island

Meanwhile a bush is sneaking through the island. It bumps into another bush that is also sneaking through the island. Willie jumps up from bush #1.

WILLIE: Hey! Watch it!

Cortex jumps up from bush #2.

CORTEX: You watch it! Hey, you're Willie Wumpacheeks.

WILLIE: And you're Cortex! What are you doing here?

CORTEX: I believe the question is, what are YOU doing here?

WILLIE: I'm here to destroy those meddlesome bandicoots!

CORTEX: Me too!

WILLIE: Really?

CORTEX: Yeah!

WILLIE: Maybe we should team up!

CORTEX: Great minds think alike!

A third bush bumps into them.

BUSH #3: Get out of the way, or I'll blast you to Centaurius 7!

WILLIE&CORTEX: Oxide?

Oxide jumps out from his bush.

OXIDE: Cortex? Willie?

CORTEX: Oxide! It's so good to see you!

OXIDE: Going to destroy the bandicoots, huh?

WILLIE&CORTEX: You bet!

OXIDE: Let's destroy them together!

CORTEX: Okay!

WILLIE: Right on!

They dive back into their bushes a sneak towards Crash's house.

Coco surveyed the decorations for the party.

COCO: Perfect.

The doorbell rings.

COCO: Is it them?

She looks through the peephole to see a large birthday cake, a wrapped up present, and a crate of wumpa fruit. She opens the door and reads a note.

NOTE: To Crash, from your biggest fans.

COCO: Cool.

She drags the gifts into the living room. Then Crash, Crunch, and Pasadena come to the house. Pasadena have her hands over Crash's eyes.

PASADENA: Okay then Crashie, we're almost there.

CRASH: Goot dabda tuita, fin bwahaha? (Guys, I know that we're taking the trash out, so why do you have my eyes closed?)

Coco looks out the window.

COCO: He's coming! Hide!

Everyone hides in different places, but Von Clutch couldn't find a place to hide. He tries the closet, but Pura pushes him out. Next, a potted plant, but Pura was already in there. Then he tries a barrel but gets thrown out by Fake Crash.

VON CLUTCH: Mein schnitzel!

He looks aroud frantically and finds the one remaining hiding place. The toilet. Von clutch dives into there, hoping not to be seen. The front door opens. In steps Crash, Pasadena, and Crunch. Pasadena uncovers Crash's eyes as everyone jumps out from their hiding places.

EVERYONE: HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRASH!

CRASH: Jabada bwadaha! (Holy Wumpa Whip!)

Suddenly, Cortex's voice rings throughout the room.

CORTEX: Yes, happy birthday Crash. You better enjoy this birthday, for it'll be your last!

The three "gifts" from Crash's "biggest fans" jump onto the scene. The crate of wumpa fruit turns into a wumpa monster with Willie riding on top of it. The wrapped present turns into a tank with Oxide, Zam, and Zem at the controls. Then the cake turns into a giant robot with Cortex and the N. Team in the cockpit. Crunch smashes them.

CRUNCH: Easy.

OXIDE: But we're not done yet!

The three creations turn into a giant, fighting super robot. The present as the head and arms, the cake as the torso, and the wumpa monster as the legs. It punched Crunch out of the way and aimed a proton cannon at Crash.

CORTEX: Any last words, bandicoot.

CRASH: Trega havagagaga, bwada lota vaga! (In fact I do have some last words, and I shall say them in song!)

(To "Move Along" By the All-American Rejects)

(Music plays, as effect lasers zap off the robot's left hand. Crash appears, playing a guitar.)

CRASH: Go ahead and waste your days by plotting

For my probable destruction (A shock wave of music throws the robot off his feet.)

While the game creators are thinking

For new ideas for Crash games

There will be lands that are cold

And Wumpas that are growing mold

So 1, 2, 3, when you have trouble with Level 1

You game along, game along to make it to Level 2

When I can't think of a rhyme for this song

Game along, game along to do what I do

Game along

Game along (The robot is hit with another shock wave, tearing off its right arm.)

So one day I lose my heath completely

And so one of my lives end

When I go back to a checkpoint it is kinda freaky

And my hand get all

Shaking like they're cold

It's normal, or so I've been told (The robot's legs get blasted off by another shock wave.)

So 1, 2, 3, when you have trouble with Level 1

You game along, game along to make it to Level 2

When I can't think of a rhyme for this song

Game along, game along to do what I do

Game along

CRUNCH&COCO: C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon

CRASH: Even if the level is long we game along (The robot tries to crawl towards Crash.)

CRUNCH&COCO: C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon

CRASH: When we go to Hong Kong we game along

Along, along, along (The robot is knocked back again, tearing its lower torso off. Crash rushes over to a piano and plays it.)

When you have trouble with Level 1

You game along, game along to make it to Level 2

When I can't think of a rhyme for this song

Game along, game along to do what I do (The robot is sucked into a vortex of music.)

When you have trouble with Level 1

You game along, game along to make it to Level 2

When I can't think of a rhyme for this song

Game along, game along to do what I do

When you have trouble with Level 1

You game along, game along to make it to Level 2

When I can't think of a rhyme for this song

Game along, game along to do what I do

Move along

CRUNCH&COCO: C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon

CRASH: Even if the level is long

We game along

All that is left of the giant robot is the cockpit. Cortex angrily presses buttons.

CORTEX: C'mon... work already! Turn into a tank or something!

He looks up to see Crash, Coco, and Crunch glaring down at him.

WILLIE: Uhh... uh oh.

CORTEX: Don't worry, my minions will protect us!

He looks around to see that only Willie, Oxide, and himself are the only bad guys left. Everyone else ran off.

CORTEX: Oh nitrogen.

COCO: Do what 'ya do Crunch.

CRUNCH: My pleasure.

Crunch picks the villains up by their collars.

CORTEX: You haven't heard the last of me bandicoot. I'll be back.

WILLIE: Yeah, and asta la vista baby!

CORTEX: What?

WILLIE: I saw it in a movie once. Great acting!

CORTEX&OXIDE: Oh be quiet.

Crunch punches them out of the house and far away.

CORTEX: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OXIDE: MOMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WILLIE: I NEED A NEW PAIR OF UNDERWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COCO: Too much information. Who wants cake?

EVERYONE ELSE: ME!

CORTEX: MY MINIONS ABANDONED ME!
Cortex, Willie, and Oxide are floating through space.

CORTEX: Not only that, but Crunch, that so-called "greatest creation ever" punched us all the way into SPACE!

OXIDE: Cortex, there's something that's bothering me.

CORTEX: What is it?

OXIDE: If we're in space, then how are we breathing?

CORTEX: I don't know. Who writes this stuff anyway?

WILLIE: Some thirteen-year-old kid.

CORTEX: Ah...

Silence.

CORTEX: So... seen anything good on TV lately?

WILLIE: Just a cheesy soap opera.

OXIDE: Growing grass.

WILLIE: The weird thing is, is that a soap opera has noting to do with soap or operas.

OXIDE: Yeah.

CORTEX: Yep.

More silence until Cortex's watch beeps.

CORTEX: Oh, look! It's time to yell at the sky.

OXIDE: What are you going to yell?

CORTEX: Just four, simple words.

WILLIE: What are they?

Cortex clears his throat and yells.

CORTEX: CURSE YOU CRASH BANDICOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!


PSMANIAC: There's still one more chapter! Can you believe it! Review!