9
"I need a minute," I said when we finally got to Dimitri's house. I was looking at this peaceful retreat with a feeling that all this was just a dream. As only in a bad dream he could be killed by a Strigoi and lie down in a coffin in this small house waiting for me to face the truth. I still couldn't realize that he wasn't with me anymore. Moreover I couldn't even imagine how hard it was for his family. I was close to go off into hysterics and wasn't sure that I would be able to be that anchor for them as Adrian was for me. I was also scared of facing Yeva, she was Dimitri's strict grandmother and last time we met she didn't actually like me. I was broken then, I wanted to find Dimitri, was ready to kill him and save his soul from the Strigoi curse. And while I was looking for him, I softened when I found myself being a part of the family. It was hard to leave them, hard to find the incentive to move and continue my dangerous journey, the aim of which was find and destroy the love of my life. And it was Yeva who offered that incentive. She pushed me just as I needed, telling that she couldn't believe that the girl her grandson was in love with, the girl that her grandson worshiped as a god was such a craven.
And like then I pulled myself together and made what I had to do. I knocked on the door and waited for someone to open it. It was Olena, Dimitri's mother. Though her eyes were red from tears, they lightened when she saw me. I supposed to be the one to pull them out from the abyss of misery and grief.
"Roza!" she cried and the sound of my name in Russian almost broke my spirit, but the urge to be strong like Dimitri and be the person to rely on was great so I clenched my teeth and made myself give Olena a warm smile. "We were waiting for you, Sonya could find no peace, she wanted to talk to you."
"I'm right here now and things will sort out. I will make anything to make it easier for you," my eyes filled with tears and I frowned of this display of weakness. But feeling the support of my friends behind my back made me stronger than I'd ever be alone.
We entered the house and everything there was telling what a difficult time it was. It was dark, every piece of it covered with black cloth, all mirrors were draped and even the sunshine that was coming through numerous windows wasn't making it lighter. Being here was harder than I've ever imagined, making all the memories of my last visit rush into my mind. I had that strange déjà vu feeling. Only this time Dimitri really was dead.
"Roza," I heard Sonya's voice from across the room. God, it was going to be hard when everyone here was calling me that Russian version of my name that only Dimitri had used in the past. "I'm so glad you're finally here. Can we have a little tête-à-tête talk? Please..."
I glanced back at my friends to check if they were okay with me leaving them alone as they knew no one here. Olena touched my shoulder and said in a calm motherly voice,
"It's going to be fine. I'll take care of your friends, don't worry. Go, you need this talk."
And she was right, so I agreed. Moreover I was sure that they will be okay, as in this house everybody were equal and every guest got the same warm welcome. Though Olena didn't know that one of my friends was Vasilissa Dragomir, the Queen, another one was Christian Ozera, the child of two royal Moroi who voluntarily turned themselves into Strigoi, and there was also Adrian, who was the one who I left for Dimitri. Wonderful company. It wasn't fair for both my friends and Belikovs to leave them without introduction and explaining, especially when it comes to Adrian, but I knew that they all were wonderful people and was sure they would get along well.
Sonya led me to her room, where I saw not only her bed but also another smaller one for her child. I smiled, remembering her being pregnant. It was so long ago, like in a different lifetime.
"I know, you have questions about how this kind of thing could happen, and really I don't have the answer for this one," she said strait away. "And you probably mad at me for getting him killed, as it was me who made Dimitri distract from the fight."
"What?" I exclaimed. "Do you really think I can be mad at you? Sonya, are you crazy? It was no one's fault, that you got caught by a Strigoi. And Dimitri just did what he had to do, he saved your life. He would've done it even if they caught some stranger. That is how he was, our Dimitri."
Sonya smiled, obviously remembering him, and so did I.
"Indeed the reason I wanted to talk to you wasn't to tell you how much guilt I feel. I wanted to tell you about the Strigoi who killed him. He ran away afterwards, but I remember his face, it is burned in my memory. And I remember what he said Dimitri before killing him. He said 'This is for Galina, Belikov, you should've never let that little blood whore live'."
I felt the anger starting to fill me up inside. I was overwhelmed by sorrow and grief, stifled by rage, and burning with the thirst for revenge. I was ready to go and kill every damn Strigoi in Siberia and not only kill them, but make them suffer for killing Dimitri, for what they made him do with me when he was Strigoi himself, what they did to his family, and mostly for what they made me come through. I wasn't anywhere close to accept Dimitri's death, he was my sunshine, my Comrade, and now he was gone. I needed my revenge, a bloody massacre that I was going to commit. That was my way to cope with pain. A strange, cruel and dangerous way, the way that pushed me closer to the insanity.
"I will find him, I promise you," I finally forced myself to speak. "I will find him and he will regret that he killed him, if that bastard wanted us both dead for destroying some Strigoi clan, he should've started with me, Dimitri had never been so inventive when it comes to torturing. I will make that Strigoi regret being born in the first place!"
Sonya was shocked, she obviously wasn't expecting such a reaction from me, but I saw in her eyes, that deep inside she was ready to put her signature to every word of me.
"Is Yeva home?" I asked calming down a little. "I wanted to talk to her too."
"She's in her room, Roza, I think she will be happy to see you, as much as everyone can be happy now," she said with a sad smile on her face.
While I was going to Yeva's room I was thinking about how and when Adrian and I should try to revive Dimitri, I haven't seen a coffin, though I knew it was somewhere here. I didn't actually know it, but my sixth sense told me it wasn't far away. Or maybe it was Shadow World calling for me, ready to embrace me.
Yeva didn't changed a bit from the last time I saw her. She was the same old lady with a nasty temper and sharp tongue. She smiled me and gestured to sit. I gave her a long examining look, but took the offer.
"How are you, Yeva?" I asked not really waiting for an answer.
"Not that bad for an old woman whose beloved grandson just died," sarcasm all over the phrase. "What's about you, Rose?"
"Not that bad for the girl who just lost her boyfriend who proposed being ghost," I rolled my eyes.
"So he did it," she concluded. "What did you answer?"
"Nothing, Lissa forced me to cut the connection," I still felt offended. "I wanted to say yes, and I meant it as I'm going to revive him, Adrian promised to try the same thing with him that Lissa did to me after the car crash."
"Idiot!" Yeva exclaimed.
"What?"
"Only a complete idiot would've tried to revive somebody who had been dead for more than twenty four hours," she was speaking like I was a five year old and she explained me why I shouldn't play around with matches.
"Why's that?" I asked.
"He's too connected to the Shadow World, too much. It has already taken him, Dimitri's no more a creature from this world, now he belongs to Shadows."
"But I have to try, I can't leave things like that, I can't leave him! We're meant together, we can't be apart," I cried.
"It doesn't matter anymore, darling," she touched my hand and I was surprised how warm and soft it was, the hand of a Granny. I've never had one, so it was weird to feel that there's always someone, who will support you, help to make a tough decision and explain where is right and where is wrong, if you get confused somewhere in the midway. "You need to let him go, need to move on."
"I can't, can't even think about this. He's my fiancé, the love of my life. I can't betray him like that. I love Dimitri and I want him so much, I cannot bear to give him up."
"Giving him up doesn't mean to forget or betray, it doesn't mean you must stop thinking of him or talking about him, and it definitely doesn't mean you should pretend that nothing have happened. Giving him up means realize that he's gone and in the better place, or will be in that place pretty soon. It means to realize the changes in your life and to adapt to the new situation. It means you should accept the pain and let it creep over you as without feeling the pain, there's no relief in the end. If you push it deeper inside you will never get rid of it, Rose. One day, all the pain will be replaced by warm memories and you'll feel better, I promise."
I was listening to the old woman with attention and respect, understanding that she was right, that I just should let him go as until he was tied to me by my desire to have him back, to return him, Dimitri wouldn't be able to move on to the next level of dying. And he needed to make that step. He was ready to move on. But I wasn't. I wasn't going to give up so quickly. I was Rose Hathaway and I've always been able to do impossible. This time I wasn't so sure in the happy ending, but at least I could try. I had to try.
"I know you're right Yeva, and I will let him go, but not until I try to bring him back. I'm just not ready now," I said feeling like a child who ate all the candies when his mother told him not to. Dimitri told that he had such feeling pretty often after a talk with Yeva. "I'm sorry, but I need to try."
To my surprise Yeva smiled.
"I'm glad you decided to fight for a little bit more, this is how you need to be. I know that when you will be out of options you will make a right thing and set him free, but now, you need to fight. And I'll be by your side, never forget that!"
Remembering all the times when I felt inspired - when Dimitri kissed me for the first time, when I saved Lissa from Victor, when me and Adrian had that one night together when we were closer than ever before, when Dimitri finally accepted his love for me after Lissa restored him, when Adrian showed me his emotions for the first time - I understood that this time it was the same, though it wasn't connected with my love to Adrian or Dimitri or even Lissa, it was the understanding that the most wise person I knew was giving me her support. It was priceless. I felt like I could do anything:
