Sorry for the delay with this chapter, I didn´t have time to write. Despite, this chapter is a bit longer than usually, I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reviews and reading, I love you all. :)


„Oh, come on, wake up you stupid Sleeping beauty, come on! I don´t want Carson to tell me off because you´re sleeping." Alfred´s annoying voice is surely not one of the things I would like to hear in the morning. I don´t open eyes. I don´t feel like it. I can see the last bits of my dream, I can keep them in mind for a while because it was really quite a nice dream.

„Don´t make me kiss you to wake you up, James!" He says firmly. I´ve never heard Alfred to be so penetrative, but maybe he thinks I´m asleep. I don´t think he would try to really kiss me, but I don´t want to risk that. I open eyes widely and scream: „Bloody hell, Alfred! I´ve almost got a heart-attack because of you!"

„I tried to wake you up gently," he says and steps back when I stand up and begin to dress up.

„No, you didn´t. At least that thing you did was not nice at all." I reply sarcastically. Is it just me, or does he try to avoid the look at me? I grin a little.

„I suppose saying: ´Jimmy, wake up.´ is nice enough. Problem is that you didn´t seem to be awake." He looks as if he doesn´t care about it at all but I know he enjoyed the feeling of shouting at me.

„I didn´t hear that. So it means you didn´t say it. I don´t have a deep sleep." I say and adjust my livery. When it looks perfect I start to do my hair.

„Well, so you were awake that night when Mr Barrow came to kiss you?" He says with interest. It looks like he´s been waiting for the answer since it happened. Well, actually I wasn´t completely awake. I thought it was a dream but even though it was way before I realized something is not completely alright with me, I didn´t consider it as a bad dream.

„Maybe I was," I say mysteriously. I turn around to see his face and it really lights my day. He looks at me with such a terror in eyes I start to laugh.

„Come on, Alfred, we have work to do." I grin and show him the door, because he´s probably too shocked to think properly. It´s a bit difficult for him even when he´s not confronted with something like… well what I am.

He leaves my room but doesn´t say anything. I don´t mind it. I know I have a delay so I can´t check Thomas now what tears me into pieces. I move forward to work and start to do the usual stuff. Alfred looks to be lost in thoughts most of the time and I wonder if he´s still considering the possibility of being kissed by a man and enjoying it. When we´re preparing some dishes I remember I promised Daisy to talk to Alfred. This work is really boring and I have to make myself busy to keep my thoughts from Thomas.

„Alfred, what do you think about Daisy?" I say in a normal voice. At least I hope it sounds like a normal voice.

„Daisy? I´ve never really thought about her." He says, surprised as if I asked him some stupid question like why elephants don´t fly.

„Why haven´t you? She´s a nice girl you know." I say and hope Alfred won´t see I take it more seriously than I pretend.

„Yes, very nice. And good, she´s always smiling and wants to help me. But honestly… she´s just a friend for me. I´ve never even thought about her in any other way. Or maybe I did, but this was months ago."

„Did? Why don´t you think about her now?" I watch myself in a silver spoon and state I looked better in my life. I have only had about three hours of real sleep and it can be seen.

„Ivy came." He says as if it was clear. Well, it´s not. At least for me. Even when I came, before Thomas kissed me and I started to think the reason why I don´t like girls is probably that I like men, before all the mess which came afterwards, I had no idea what Alfred saw in Ivy. Because she´s not only stupid and cheeky, but she´s not even pretty. I think Daisy´s much prettier. I can assess it.

„I see. Well, if you think so, then I´m not the right person to judge. But you should think about it better. Daisy likes you, you know?" I say and put the last spoon on a table. „I´m going to wake the lord up," I say and leave Alfred in his confusion.

It wasn´t a lie, I am going to wake Lord-whose-name-I-really-should-remember up, but I have some time before. I come to Thomas´ room and silently open the door to look inside. He´s sleeping, but he doesn´t look as lovely as before. I see the pain and illness on him. He´s pale, sweaty and curled into a ball, embracing his chest as if he is trying to keep himself altogether. It makes my heart ache, but I tiptoe back and close the door silently, knowing he needs to sleep.

„You are a very caring boy, aren´t you?" Mrs Hughes stands behind me. I almost jump into the air. At first I feel guilty because I was caught up not working, but then I see she´s smiling a bit.

„Usually, not. But I can´t help myself. I´m really scared. He doesn´t look good." I say and reveal her my worst fear I didn´t admit even to myself until now.

„We have to believe and pray. But I don´t like what he looks like either. I wasn´t far from passing out too last night. You didn´t see the worst part. I envy you because that was terrible." She says and even now I can hear she thinks I´m useless.

„I´m sorry, Mrs Hughes. I just can´t stand the sight of blood." I say and feel a need to explain it, to defend myself. I havem´t even told it to Thomas before.

„I had a brother. He was older than me, and he was my idol. He loved horses and was quite handy with them. I´ve never seen anybody doing things like that. One day, he was in the fence again but some stupid people went around, shooting. The horses panicked and started to run around." I sigh. I don´t know why I say it to her.

„He didn´t have a chance. You know how heavy a horse is? I was the one to find him. I was six years old. I couldn´t sleep for many months and even now when I see blood, it returns back. I don´t know if you can imagine it, but I feel all the fear and all the despair again. Every time I see blood it reminds me of my brother. Even when Daisy cut her thumb I had to look away. And when somebody I really love is bleeding…" I shut eyes to fight the tears.

„I didn´t want to black out. But it was stronger than me. You don´t know how much I hate myself for not being a proper support for Thomas." I bite my lip to resist the temptation to cry.

„Well, I… I didn´t know that. I´m sorry for accusating you you were a coward." She says. I look into her eyes and see she really regrets it.

„It´s alright. I would do it too." I say. „Will you… will you please leave it to yourself? I´ve never told it to anyone and I don´t want anybody to feel sorry for me or so. And surely not Thomas."

„Of course. I don´t have any right to talk about it."

„Thank you, Mrs Hughes. You are a great woman." I say. „And now, please excuse me, I have to wake the lord up."

„So early? It´s seven o´clock!" She asks in surprise.

„Yeah. He´s going running or what. He gets up this time every day." I reply and leave her.

„I forbid it. Stay here and wait for me. I insist on it." The doctor says and shows me he´s not willing to discuss it. Well, I can argue anyway.

„I´m sorry, doctor Clarkson, but I really can´t obey. Technically you are not my superior, and in my free time, I can do anything I want." I say sharply with quite a lot of confidence.

„You certainly can, but even you have to understand that the more time I spend here with you, the less I will have to treat Mr Barrow. I have more patients, you know, and you might be surprised but their families think they are most important just like you think Mr Barrow is. If you want me to take care of him, then let me go in." Okay. I lost this.

„Well then. Just go in. But I want you to tell me what´s the matter with him." I step aside from the door, but still not letting him in.

„I can´t if he doesn´t want me to. If he doesn´t ask me to tell you, I have to stay silent. That´s the law. You´re not his family so I can´t tell you anything without his permission and - "

„But I love him! I can´t marry him, but don´t I have a right to know what´s the matter with him?!" I cry in anger. I feel my cheeks are getting hotter and I know I have red spots of anger in my face. Thomas says it happens to me every time I´m angry. I suppose he finds it cute.

„Your feelings towards Mr Barrow doesn´t mean anything to law. As far as you´re not his family member, I can´t tell you anything unless he tells me to do it. And you shouldn´t scream about your emotions so loudly, it may get you in troubles. The law is not lenient when it comes to… this." Doctor says firmly. Does he even have a heart? Or did he use it as another object of research and now has only some machine in his chest which pumps the blood all around his body?

„Well then." I hiss. „Do what you want, you heartless man!" I frown and let him go inside. He doesn´t say anything, doesn´t even give me a gaze and opens the door. I know standing here would be just a waste of time so I force myself to work.

Of course, the doctor didn´t spare a word for me. I was quite angry, but he kept saying Thomas didn´t allow him to tell me what´s the matter with him. I was so angry I almost punched him, but fortunately I could control my emotions enough to see it wouldn´t be the best thing to do. But the thing which really made me upset was that I knew it was serious, way more serious that I wished. Because the doctor frowned and said that if Thomas won´t be better tomorrow, we should take him into the hospital. It was yesterday when he assured me the hospital wasn´t a right option. And now he wants me to give Thomas up – to send him away. I stare at the doctor and I can´t believe my ears. I see how serious this is. Why don´t you just tell me?! I feel the despair I felt in the night, I want to cry, and I´m terribly tired. I feel my eyes are closing and staying awake is more and more difficult throughout the day.

The doctor looks at me without any sign of pity. His face looks like it is made of marble, but he seems to be worried. I ask him if he wants to stay and add that Mrs Crawley is here, what makes him a bit happier, his eyes shining. He asks me to lead him where she is and when he lets me go, I close the door behind me and lean against it for a while, eyes closed.

„James? Are you alright?" Lord-what-a-shame-I-don´t-know-his-name wakes me up from my day-dreaming. It takes me some time to realize what´s going on, so I might look a bit puzzled. I shake my head a bit and straighten.

„Of course I am. Do you need anything, m´lord?" I say in a silent voice which doesn´t sound like my own. All the joy has gone and instead I hear old voice, full of pain. It scares me.

„No, I don´t. But you look like you haven´t closed an eye in the night." He scans me carefully. I feel like he knows about everything, like he sees the depth of my soul. I feel I´m blushing when I remember Thomas´ gentle kisses, his tender lips, careful fingers.

„Well, that´s not entirely true, but it wasn´t the best night I´ve ever had. In some ways," I add before I can stop myself from being so silly. I shouldn´t say that. It´s not even right to complain about anything in front of someone in his position. But I had to say it, I would feel I betrayed Thomas if I stayed silent.

„Some ways?" He rises eyebrows and I can see a glimmer of cheer in his eyes.

„When it comes to sleep," I say and I see he won´t let me go without talking about it. Should I talk to him about such a delicate thing? It´s mine and Thomas´ little secret and I´m not sure I want anybody else to know about it. And still… he seems to be so intrested and tried to help me I can´t refuse.

„Don´t you say." He smiles. „And what about the other ways?"

„Well…" I try to think about some acceptable way to tell him about the night. I can´t just say: I said Thomas I love him and we were kissing, but then it all got bad because he started to cough and I fainted. What a beautiful love story, isn´t it? „I did what you adviced me to. At first it looked it wasn´t a good idea, but then it became… better." I flush and look at my shoes, trying to find anything intresting on them.

„Congratulations, then. I feel happy for you." He smiles again. „He´s getting better then, isn´t he?" Well, m´lord, that´s the problem…

„I´m sure he is, thank you." I say, because I´m not able to say the terrible truth aloud. Even though I think he could hear the pain and fear in my voice.

„Jimmy, can you dance?" Ivy asks me when we have some time in the evening. I checked Thomas few minutes before, but he seems to be asleep the whole day. He looked even thinner and paler, his face was all sweaty and I could see the mug with tea lying untouched on the bedside table. I´m sure he wouldn´t let it there – he knows how I insisted on it – if he didn´t feel so bad he couldn´t even think about drinking tea. I had to leave the room soon, because I couldn´t stand it and I didn´t want to wake him up. I burst into tears right after closing the door, and had to hide in my room to overcome that moment. And now, the last thing I want to do is dance with Ivy. With her terrible joy, cheerful smile and provocative motions. With her undying happiness, which seems to be as appropriate as singing happy songs at funeral. Not a good parable at all…

„I can." I only say, not looking at her.

„And will you dance with me?" I have to look at her to see if she really means it seriously. I turn my head and see hope in her eyes. It´s so silly. She even sits in a way I should find seductive. I may find it seductive, if I liked women. No I might not. She´s such a terrible person I wouldn´t find her attractive even if she looked like the most beautiful man in the world. I wouldn´t find her attractive even if she looked like Thomas, with his thougtful sight. Because he has a beautiful soul, not just body, and her soul is one of the most annoying things I´ve ever seen.

„No," I say and try to keep my anger away.

„Why not?" she leans in front of me, coquettishly. How can anybody be so stupid?! How can she be so heartless, so dumb? It´s unbelieveable! And I can feel the fury springing from me. I can´t resist it. It was too much.

„Because you´re stupid! The last thing I want now is to do some stupid, happy and silly things. And I surely don´t want to do it with you. Don´t you see how stupid you are?!" I yell at her and stand up. I shake with anger.

„I – I don´t know what-" she gasps and sttuters.

„No, you don´t know anything! That´s your problem!" I shout and feel hot tears in eyes. „You´re so stupid! So terribly stupid…" I sit down on the chair and hide my face in hands, not able to think. I´m a bit too sensitive. But I can´t… It hurts too much. I´m so desperate and so scared it suffocates me.

„What the hell is going on here?" Daisy´s voice wakes me up. I wipe the tears and look at her. She gazes at me, then at Ivy and back at me. I see anger in her eyes and hatred which has been hiding for too long. And I hope I´m not the person she hates.

In that moment I see I´m not. She comes to Ivy and even though she´s shorter than the kitchen maid, I wouldn´t want to be on her place. Daisy stares at her with hate.

„What have you done to him, you bitch?!" She screams. I´ve never thought Daisy knows this word. And I´ve never even dreamed I will hear it from her lips.

„I-Daisy, calm down I haven´t-" Ivy tries to defend herself but even she has to see she lost.

„You haven´t think! You never do!" Daisy shouts. „But even if you´re stupid, don´t you have feelings? Are you really so stupid, or are you heartless enough to hurt Jimmy? Do you even care about somebody but you?!"

„I assure you I didn´t know I was hurting him. I just asked him to dance with me and-" The kitchen maid is so scared I´d probably find it funny, if only I could.

„You asked him what?" When I look at Daisy, I see what Thomas meant when he talked about red spots from anger in the cheeks. She has the same ones now. „You might not notice, but his best friend – best friend is a person you really like and care about, just to explain to you – is ill and Jimmy´s quite worried about him." Daisy´s shaking and I know this is not just about me. It was just the last drop which made her explode.

„I didn´t know that. I didn´t even know he and Mr Barrow were friends. I thought they were avoiding each other," Ivy almost cries. Oh god, she can be so annoying!

„That only proves how stupid you are. They are best friends!"

„Well, I suppose Thomas wants something different," she says. I stare at her for a long time. What? What did she say? I thought she knew this wasn´t safe for her, but this is too much. Even for her. I open mouth to say something, but Daisy is faster.

„How dare you?!" She screams and before I can see it happening, her hand finds Ivy´s face and I can hear quite a loud sound of well-placed slap. It must have hurt a lot and I didn´t know Daisy has so much strength. Ivy touches her left, all red cheek in pain and I feel an evil pleasure of seeing it. Daisy breathes harder and I can see she doesn´t have any idea what led her to do this.

„I suppose you have some work, Ivy," she says stiffly, „And don´t you dare try to do anything of what happened again. It would end worse." I don´t know what is the secret power the assistant cook has, but even I feel respect. I find myself willing to obey her. Her voice is silent but steady and she means every word she says. In this moment, she reminds me of Thomas, somehow. The wisdom and experience in her is strong and I feel like an immatured child even though she´s probably even younger than I am.

„Of course, Daisy," Ivy murmurs.

„I´m Mrs Mason for you, since now. I didn´t want to do it, but you have to respect me." Daisy says sharply. Then I remember she really is a married woman, unlike Mrs Hughes who just has the titul. Intresting. I suppose Daisy´s been through many things, much more than I was.

„Sure, Mrs Mason," when Ivy turns away, she frowns and gives me some gaze which should have meant Daisy is stupid or something like that. She expected me to nod or smile, but I don´t look at her, turning to Daisy.

Now, she doesn´t look so confident. She sits down beside me, taking my hands in hers. I see the pity in her eyes and I feel even worse. I´m useless. Everybody´s just helping me because I´m a child and can´t take care of myself. I feel ashamed and I can´t look into her eyes – I would just feel her concern as if I am somebody weak, fragile and pitiable, what in fact I am. I let her defend me against Ivy. I know, I would never be able to slap her – no matter how much I hated her in that moment, I wouldn´t hit a girl. I suppose. But I didn´t even consider that, I was just sitting there and crying. I´m a useless idiot.

„Jimmy, she´s stupid. Don´t take it personally. She had no idea what she was saying. She didn´t know…" Daisy´s voice is comforting and pleasant, but even that can´t beat the feeling that I am surrounded by people, who are too nice and good. I don´t deserve neither Thomas´ love, nor Daisy´s friendship. Because what do I do myself? Cry and let them care.

„Talk to me. Tell me how you feel. Tell me anything you want. It would be better, trust me. Just don´t stay silent and alone." She takes my chin between fingers and rises my head, so she looks into my eyes. I blink to send the tears away, but it´s not working. I wipe them with hand and turn away from Daisy.

„I can´t. You are all so good to me. You, Thomas… I don´t deserve it." I whisper and stare at our joined hands, lying on her knees.

„Why do you think so?" she asks and I hear some surprise in her voice.

„You are both so strong, so nice, so kind… and then there´s me who cries all the time and lets you to do everything. I couldn´t even fight Ivy!" I say and look at her, with a bit of anger. „I´m useless. Child. Bungling."

„You are a good person, Jimmy. You have feelings, you´re sensitive and care about your friend. Don´t you think that is enough?" She smiles at me.

„No, it´s not. Thomas is ill. It looks bad, doctor said that if he doesn´t get better till tomorrow morning, we should take him to the hospital. I´m afraid it´s more serious than they admit. Neither him, nor Thomas want to tell me anything. In fact, Thomas has just been sleeping for few last hours. I try to convince myself it´s a good sign, but I can´t deceive myself too long. I´m not that stupid. And you know what? I know how serious it is and I still can´t stand it. I´m pathetic and weak." I frown in frustration. I want to pull the hands from her, because it makes me feel more like a child, but I can´t find the power.

„Why? Because you have feelings? Because you care about your friend?" Her eyes are looking at me sharply, her voice as imperative as before. „Don´t embarass yourself, Jimmy. Maybe you´re not strong and cool as Thomas is, but you´re unique in your own way. You´re kind and caring. Doesn´t it what Thomas wants? Some childish but sweet little boy?"
„You talk like the lord," I mumble, because it´s true. He told me almost the same. But Daisy really knows Thomas, she´s been working with him for quite a long time.

„Maybe because that´s true." She says, more nicely, „haven´t you ever thought about it? If Thomas didn´t think you deserve him, he wouldn´t care so much about you. I´m not stupid, I see what´s between you. You mean a lot for him, even more than his own happiness. Don´t you see it? He always cared about you, never let anybody say anything wrong about you, wanted to help you. He wants you like you are, he wants to guide you. Actually I suppose he wants to lead you and show you what life is about, he wants to be beside you when you´re growing up. Don´t you see how happy he is when you are near him? He doesn´t care if you´re laughing or crying, he´s just happy to be with you. Don´t you think he deserves to be happy?"

„Well… that was pretty much information in one sentence." I say and try to sort out my thoughts.

„It doesn´t matter." She squeezes my hands. „You have to know Thomas loves you. And I love you, even though in different way. You really deserve friends. Why are you sending us away?"

I look into her big eyes and I see she´s honest. She really thinks she´s telling me the truth. Can somebody really like me? I´ve never been used to have friends, being loved – I mean really loved. I´ve been avoiding people for so long I don´t see the possibility someone would really love me.

„I don´t know," I shrug helplessly. „I don´t want to be a burden, I don´t want to bother you or Thomas. And I feel I´m bothering you, because I´m so silly."

„You´re not. We need you, because we are both quite uncertain when it comes to emotions. On the contrary you are so opened and lovely when you talk about Thomas or to me. Emotions are not bad, don´t forget it. Just because Thomas is different than you in it, it doesn´t mean he doesn´t love you."

„Ah, Daisy. I don´t know what I would do without you. Thank you." I smile at her. She looks pleased and smiles back.

„I just said you what you´ve known yourself," she pulls back hair from my forehead, but it has different meaning than when Thomas did it, even though it´s pleasant anyway.

„Maybe. But it was what I needed." I stand up. „You´re a great woman, Daisy. I wish anybody but me sees it." She doesn´t respond, just smiles and then looks away. I leave her and want to go from the hall. I´m in the door when her voice sounds once again.

„Jimmy?"

„Yes?" I turn back. Her face is different and I can´t describe what it exactly means.

„Don´t lose faith. You have to believe. Don´t give up, otherwise Thomas would too. Show him you´re certain he´s going to be okay, even if you´re not. Hide your doubts – you can tell about them to me, but he mustn´t see them." She looks pretty concerned about if I understand what she´s saying.

„I see. Thank you and good night." I say and try to hide how I feel. Because she made me feel she sees I have the doubts. I can just believe Thomas won´t be able to.