Sorry it's been so long I've been busy looking at Uni's and failing my driving test again.
Thanks for the lovely reviews of last chapter.
Disclaimer : I don't own the Bill. Unfortunately...
Chapter 9 – When You feel Like Letting Go.
It was raining, water running down the windscreen in great long drips. Mickey was gazing out the window, not really focussing on anything in particular. He took a deep breath trying to rid himself of the sick feeling that had haunted him since he had agreed to go.
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The counsellor was in there waiting for me. A different one to last time but they're all the same.
In my peripheral vision I can see Jack opening and closing his mouth, like he wants to say something but can't.
I glance at the clock. Four minutes to go. I feel so sick.
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Jack watched him out of the corner of his eye. He saw the tension in his face and wondered whether he was doing the right thing. Could this all make it worse.
He glanced at the clock as well. He was counting down the minutes. Feeling every second drip by like the rain down the windows.
"You sure you don't want me to come with you?" Jack said, finally breaking the silence of the last fifteen minutes.
Mickey swallowed loudly. "Sure, I need to do this by myself. I've got to."
"You'll be ok." The sentence hung in the tension filled air. Mickey wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement, so it went unanswered.
"Better go." He muttered nodding at the clock.
Without saying anything else Mickey opened the door. He swung his legs out and paused for a second, mouth opened ready to say something then changing his mind and silently got out, slamming the car door behind him.
Jack watched him trudge up the steps to the formidable looking building, head bent down against the pounding rain.
Unable to stand the quiet, Jack hit the button for the radio and turned it up loudly. He let the unfamiliar music surround him, not paying any attention to what he was hearing, too deep in thought to notice.
Jack didn't realise that he had been staring at the door to the clinic until it opened an hour later and Mickey stumbled out. He jumped and turned the radio off just as Mickey reached the car.
He silently got it.
"How was it?"
"Fine." Sensing he wasn't going to get much more out of him Jack started the engine.
Mickey's finger hovered over the button for the radio. He looked over at Jack for approval, not wanting to sit in the awkward silence. Jack caught Mickey's eye and nodded.
Mickey lent his head back against the seat and closed his eyes, letting the familiar and calming opening chords wash over him.
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone.
"The counsellor wasn't so bad." Mickey muttered as the song ended.
"No?" Jack didn't take his eyes off the road but could see Mickey out of his peripheral vision.
"She said that I was using self-harm to maintain some aspect of control."
Jack frowned. "Her words, not mine!" Mickey smiled. "And that I'm punishing myself."
"You've got nothing to punish yourself for."
Mickey shrugged. "Sometimes I think that I was asking for it, by going after him."
"You were doing your job."
"Nah, I made it personal, I was like a dog with a bone, I just wouldn't let it go."
"Well, I think that was mostly my fault."
"I was stupid, thinking that I was invincible. No ones indestructible. If only I'd just waited for back-up."
"Then he may have escaped. We might have never seen him again, he might have attacked countless other women by now."
Mickey swallowed. "I, I sometimes wish that I had just let him go. It's selfish I know. I feel so, so guilty just for thinking it. I just think why me, why should I suffer. What did I do that was so bad?"
Carefully Jack pulled over, they sat in silence for a few minutes. "Mickey, every victim of a crime wishes that it happened to someone else. It's natural, you shouldn't feel guilty. You've never done anything bad. It was Delaney who did the 'bad' thing, not you."
They sat in silence for another few minutes. Then suddenly out of the blue- "It took me a while to work out what he was going to do to me, you know, when he, he…"
"When he raped you?"
"Yeah. I though he was just going to wack me about a bit. Then I realised, and I was terrified. I tried so hard to get free but no matter what I did I couldn't get away from him, from what he was doing to me. And then he just left me there, still tied up. He just went. He laughed at me and went."
"He committed the worst crime possible against you."
"You think rape is the worst crime?" Mickey asked looking up.
"Yeah, I didn't before but now. Yeah, I think rape causes the most damage to the people involved."
"Mmm, I think it is the worst crime. 'Cos the suffering doesn't ever end. Ever."
Jack didn't know what to say.
The song is REM - Everybody Hurts.
