AN: Okay, so I'm trying some stuff with different POV's and stuff. And a lot of the italics in the actual story are going to be Kanda basically going crazy. It's just a seriously long run-on sentence that goes off on eight different tangents and doesn't make sense.

I don't own D. Gray-Man

Chapter 9


Kanda's POV

I dragged the Usagi's fat ass downstairs as fast as I possibly could, but it still took several minutes of weaving in and out of falling rubble. We ran into Reever and Johnny about halfway there, Reever with one of Johnny's arms slung over his shoulder and supporting all of his weight. Lenalee reluctantly left Lavi's side, going to help the scientist.

Now I could really move. I started sprinting as fast as my tired legs would allow, and Lavi barely kept his feet under him. The entire time, my mind was just a blur of Allen Allen gotta get back to Allen is he alright what if Komui couldn't save him it's been a really long time stop thinking like that Allen's fine there's no way he would die from some stupid gas in the air but he wasn't moving wasn't breathing wasn't alive when I left stop saying stuff like that Allen would be mad at you if he knew you were so obsessed with this but what if he's not okay what would I do you would go and kill yourself in a hole yes I would kill myself in a hole why in a hole I don't know why not in a hole Allen Allen Allen why aren't you here right now Allen you need to be here so I can kiss you and you can punch me and cry 'cuz I'm crying and if I cry you cry and why aren't you here RIGHT NOW!?

Hallways and doorways flew by without my notice, and I almost ran headlong into 65 because I wasn't paying attention. I dropped Lavi's ass on the ghost/scientist/assistant/whatever-the-hell-he-was before nearly turning on a dime and almost bowling over one of the others, who had a gas mask-y thing held out to me. I stopped for the half-second it took for me to snatch the thing out of his hands and shove it down past my mouth and nose to dangle at my neck and I was off like a shot again.

By this point I was breathing way, way too heavily than I should, and I had half a mind to stop right there and take a breather. But then an image of Allen, lying still and defenseless and prone against the cold rubble of what was left of the floor of the upper levels of the Order. I would have a mini heart-attack, then push myself even farther past my limits. I could feel my heart pounding too hard and too fast, and my hands were tingling and the tingling was spreading up my arms and I was scared that maybe this wasn't the best idea and I had the brilliant idea to actually put on the gas mask-y thing so that I wasn't breathing in any poison in my ragged huffs of half-used air.

My fingers kept tingling, but it died down in my arms and the palms of my hands. I smiled to myself despite the situation; never let it be said that Kanda Yuu can't perform well under pressure. Then another picture of Allen flashed through my mind. This time it was him pounding his head into the brick walls of the Order with an unconscious Lavi held in his arms.

Another burst of speed found its way to my burning legs as I rounded a corner and stopped dead at the sight of Komui running towards me, no Allen in sight.


3rd Person POV

Komui ran as fast as he could with all of his medical supplies bundled hastily in his arms. He tripped over a large piece of what used to be a wall as he ran and hit the ground hard, jarring his shoulder painfully. The mask he had over his face slammed into the solid surface below him, instantly engraving a mark that would most likely bruise. He stood, wincing at the pain in his face.

The purple-haired scientist spotted Kanda as the samurai rounded the corner. While the latter stopped, seeming to stare at Komui running towards him, Komui started shouting at the 'stupid exorcist that's never actually used a brain cell in his life' to 'turn your ass around this instant and start running for cover goddammit that was an order where the hell are you going it's the other way!'

Kanda paid no attention to the man in the beret. Instead, he started running once more, cobalt-blue eyes wide with fright and horror. He snatched the med kit from Komui's arms and started running to where he knew Allen was still lying, vulnerable.

Komui turned and shouted after the exorcist, before rolling his eyes and following back the way he came from.

"You idiot! There are Noah here! They took Allen! There's no way you can get him back now, and besides, he was already dead! There was nothing more you could have done for him!"

Kanda's run slowed to a jog, then to a walk. He turned silently, watching the scientist and Supervisor run to a stop behind him. His eyes were wide with fear and there's-no-way-this-is-true. Every breath the bluenette took was like trying to pull moisture out of the dry desert sand. He felt like nothing was getting to his lungs, he just kept breathing faster and faster.


Kanda POV

I couldn't believe it. There was no way my Moyashi was dead. Absolutely, positively, he was pulling some kind of sick joke to get me riled up. A small chuckle escaped my lips. No way in hell was Moyashi dead. I kept repeating the mantra over and over, tasting the words on my lips. They tasted wrong, like sugar and hot sauce slathered over peanut brittle. It was like the words themselves didn't want to believe that Moyashi was dead.

I distantly felt a hand on my shoulder. Komui's voice came to me, muffled. It was like he was speaking through a megaphone, but underwater and a hundred miles apart. I could feel the last of my strings breaking, making a cacophony of terrible, broken sounds that shouldn't be allowed to exist because it was so wrong that my Allen was dead.

I didn't pay attention to Komui's words; I knew they wouldn't have meant anything even if I had heard them in the first place. Everything was distant; the hand on my elbow guiding me back to the safety of the underground, running to escape the final collapse of the Order's aboveground levels. Not even pushing Komui to the ground to shield him from incoming rocks that he couldn't have gotten away from made a dent in my shield of water and distance. Every word anyone said was muffled, even if I had tried I don't think I would have been able to decipher what the hell they were saying. The tingling in my arms was back now, but it had spread to my chest and was crawling up my throat and I felt like I was going to puke.

So as I sat amongst the survivors of the Black Order's infiltration, I leaned over to an unoccupied area of brick flooring and heaved. I heaved everything up and out and all over. The scientists all backed away from the disgusting spray making its way up my esophagus and falling to the floor in a waterfall of half-digested soba and bile. The only person not to back away was Lenalee.

She pulled those two strands of hair that I always leave out of my ponytail back behind my head and gathered them with the rest of the goddamn blue hair and why was I so mad at my own hair? Somebody explain how hair can be so annoying at a time like this? Lenalee brushed something over my forehead and it felt so good, but nothing should feel good because Allen was dead and it was my fault and oh god-

Another stream of puke spazzed up my throat and I had to stop thinking because god puking hurts if you're crying at the same time. I could feel all of the eyes of the Order on me at the same time, but I couldn't muster the strength to look back. I would never see the one pair of eyes that he wanted to see most.

I leaned my weight into Lenalee, for all practical purposes collapsing on top of her. I could faintly hear her sobbing into my ear. She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed tightly. I noticed the tingling was gone, only to be replaced by a numbness that crept through my veins and my brain is going numb I don't think that's supposed to happen oh shit everything's turning black why aren't my lungs working that is DEFINITELY not supposed to happen crap oh god I can't move that's no…


Lenalee's POV

I was crying and Nii-san was sniffling into a handkerchief and Lavi had tears silently streaming down his face. There wasn't a dry eye in the science division, nor was there one in the huddle of nurses crouched around the few wounded. But none of us even slightly compared to Kanda. He was hunched over, shoulders shaking violently, clutching his stomach, puking his guts out with tears falling into the pool of vomit and mixing to make this odd design in the sickly yellow-green. I tottered to his side and fell to my already-aching knees.

I reached around his head and pulled those two strands that framed his face out of the way of the projectile vomiting. I put a hand in between his shoulders but I'm not sure if he felt it or knew that I was there in the first place. I started to move my hands in little circles, remembering that Komui had done the same thing so many times for me. Kanda's eyes were a terrible sight, like broken glass and the dying embers of a once-bright flame. I couldn't even begin to think what the hell he was feeling. He had already lost one life, and now he was losing the purpose he had found in another.

I pulled my sleeve up a little bit and wiped it against Kanda's sweaty forehead, removing the salty moisture.

He let out a terrible noise, like a whine and a scream and a sob and a laugh all at once, and all I could think was why the hell could he laugh right now? He hunched over again, and another thin stream of bile left his mouth.

He fell on top of me, like he had been held up by strings like a marionette and the last one had been cut brutally. The last thing holding him up had been taken away, and he was just a rag doll, incapable of movement. I tried to shake his shoulder, to get a reaction from him, to make him yell at me, anything to tell me he hadn't given up yet.

Nothing. He was barely breathing, and I couldn't tell if he was still crying or not. His shoulders fell still from the sobs that had previously wracked them. I leaned over him worriedly, putting one hand to his cheek. His skin was cold and clammy to the touch, sweat pouring down the pale surface.

"NII-SAN!"


Komui's POV

I stood in the corner, a handkerchief clutched tightly in my hand. I could feel my knuckles go white. I watched helplessly as Kanda revisited the soba he had had for lunch, and I looked on as my darling, sweet Lenalee went to help him, and I gazed with apprehension as Kanda collapsed into my darling, sweet Lenalee's arms. I didn't even feel the customary flare of annoyance and bloodlust when he touched her.

But I couldn't look on any longer when my darling, sweet Lenalee yelled for me with such fear and panic in her eyes, that heart-wrenching desperation in her voice. I ran the few steps to her side and fell to my knees, already in full medical professional mode.

I pressed my fingers to Kanda's jugular and waited for a moment, praying for a pulse against my fingers. I felt it after a moment, fluttering and weak, barely pumping. I moved my hand to his forehead. His skin was far too cool and clammy. I pulled Kanda's head from my darling, sweet Lenalee's lap and repositioned him flat on the ground. His eyes were half-open, eyes dull and unseeing.

"Matron!" The stern woman briskly strode over, dropping unceremoniously to her knees beside the Supervisor. "He's going into shock, and we need to find out why. There's no way it's the emotional damage." I started examining Kanda more closely, starting with shining a light directly into his pupils. They shrunk in size, reassuring me slightly. I turned his head to the side when I was finished, so that he wouldn't choke on any vomit he might force up.

Matron nodded once and started unbuttoning Kanda's long exorcist jacket. She gently removed the stiff cloth from his shoulders and unbuttoned the shirt underneath. I heard her breath catch and looked up to see a mess of blood and skin that was hidden underneath his exorcist jacket. It seemed to be massive internal bleeding and several flesh wounds.

'Shit, was that from the rubble hitting him in the back?' Kanda had pushed me down and out of the way of a landslide amount of debris and taken the hit himself, all of the pieces colliding with his back.

"At least it is hypovolemic. That's the easiest to deal with." Matron's morbid, sullen tone did nothing to reassure me.

My hand shot up to my mouth, and I swallowed quickly before starting to work. I tore up my precious white jacket, handing strips to Matron as she worked to stop the bleeding.

I spoke to her quietly as we worked.

"What do we have for medical supplies down here? I have an emergency respirator, a defibrillator, and a few minor examination tools. Nothing that would help him right now."

Matron was quiet for a moment. "We have a few IV bags of fluids, one or two of blood, and the workings to connect them. Maybe a few surgical tools, but I'm not sure they'd suffice for this kind of operation."

I swore under my breath. 'Depending on the blood types, we could keep him stable for about an hour before something would have to change. We would need a scalpel, forceps, surgical needle and sutures, at the very least. The rest we could make work by winging it.'

"We have to give it a shot. There's no way he's going to survive otherwise, even with his healing abilities." She nodded once. "Do you have any anesthetics?"

She barked something at one of her nurses. I heard frantic shuffling somewhere behind us, and two nurses ran to Kanda's side holding a mask attached to some sort of machine. I had only had experience with intravenous anesthetics, so this was a whole new ballpark for me.

The bolder nurse placed the mask over Kanda's mouth and nose, murmuring soft words to the teen. I saw his eyes blink slowly in response to whatever the girl had said. That was the first sign of conscious responsiveness I had seen out of him since before he had collapsed against my darling, sweet Lenalee.

I felt a small smile bubble up from my chest. He was still fighting.


Kanda's POV

Everything was gray and dark and I couldn't tell up from down and what the hell was that sound it sounded like a vacuum but going the other way and holy shit is that breath on my ear?

"It's gonna be alright, I promise. Allen can finally be at peace now." A warm, feminine voice spoke out right next to my ear as something was slipped over my face. My vision cleared for a split second, and I could make out the face belonging to the voice.

I found I still couldn't move my body, so I settled for blinking slowly. I hoped she understood the thank you. I realized just how right she was. Now, Allen could be truly happy, free of the fear and pain of his past.

I could feel my lips smiling gently into the mask as black flooded my vision once more, and I faded into nothingness.


Lenalee's POV

I watched from the sidelines as Nii-san and Matron examined Kanda. I held my breath for the entire ordeal, tears dancing at the ends of my lashes. I stood and walked over to where Lavi was propped up, finally having some form of bandages around his wounds.

"What's wrong with him? Do you have any idea?" I asked him as quietly as I could. He looked up at me, and for once, I was scared of the dark gleam in his eyes. It made me afraid for Kanda.

"He went into hypovolemic shock. His heart isn't pumping enough blood to his body, and it's because he lost too much blood. Right now, his body is experiencing a lack of oxygen, it's cutting off supplies to the things he can live without. His lips and fingers are probably blue from underoxygenation. Soon, his major organs will begin to deteriorate, and his body will undergo a full-on systematic collapse, unless they can fix it. They would need to seal off the existing wound, and integrate a new source to make up for the blood lost from the wound. All in all, not a very tricky surgery, under normal conditions. Probably a ninety-eight percent success rate. Maybe even higher.

"But these are most definitely not normal conditions, are they?" I could tell it was a rhetorical question. Lavi continued on. "They've got limited supplies, limited assistance, and little understanding of the situation. Factor in all of the what-ifs, possibilities, and wild cards; I'd say the success rate drops to about five to ten percent."

I stared in horror at my Lavi. My Lavi, who was always so cheerful and happy, who was now calculating the chances of survival for his best friend. Maybe this was the hysteria talking, but I didn't like that side of Lavi. My Lavi would have brushed off percentages and calculations and run his fingers through my hair, telling me that it was alright, it was Kanda and nothing could ever kill Kanda.

"Then again, he has his lotus, which will assist greatly. If it was anybody but Kanda, I would write them off. But it's not, it is Kanda and he does have the lotus. No worries, Lenalady. He's gonna be alright, I promise. He would never leave us without saying goodbye."


Komui's POV

I was holding my breath the entire time I was working to fix Kanda. My hands shook slightly, no matter how much I berated myself to stop. I felt tears dripping down my face. I was scared for him.

I handed Matron the tools as she demanded them, closely monitoring Kanda's vitals. His heartbeat had become even weaker than it had been when they had started. We had found a drip bag of Kanda's blood type, and I immediately pushed the needle into his arm. I was truly frightened for the child. I had never seen him look so vulnerable before. He was always so strong and intimidating, his menacing glare enough to reassure anyone that no, he would never be in a terrible enough danger to make you worry about him.

But here, he was lying prone on the floor, blood pouring out of him despite the efforts of Matron to stop the flood of red. Even with the anesthesia we had given him, his eyes fluttered and his jaw clenched as Matron's actions pained him. He still had a dribble of vomit trailing down his chin. His pale, exposed chest was heaving rapidly, even though he was barely breathing. I was worried about him.

Kanda's skin was pale and cold, to the point where I could see blue veins running up and down his arms. His hair was tousled and disheveled, so unlike the normal immaculate perfection upon which Kanda insisted. I was terrified that Kanda wouldn't be alright. The thought made my blood freeze in my veins and a new flow of tears rocketed to the ground.

'Please hold on Kanda. Please…'


Kanda's POV

It was dark. And it was cold. And there was pain everywhere. I couldn't move anything. I couldn't open my eyes or wiggle my fingers and I couldn't draw a breath on my own. I felt my heart pound out of control as I came to the realization that I wasn't breathing.

I tried to suck in as much air as I could through my mouth, but I had as little control over my lungs as I had over my hands.

'Is this what dying feels like? Is this what Allen felt?' I couldn't help but think these thoughts. I would have smiled then, if I could have, because I was going to be with my Moyashi again. And this time, nothing would ever be able to separate us.

But there was more pain. Much, much more pain. My insides were being twisted and torn and compressed into a pinpoint of matter all at the same time. I tried to open my mouth and scream, and there was a muffled sound in reward. I kept trying to shout, to let someone know how much pain I was in.

I felt my fingers twitch. I fought to continue the movement. All of a sudden, I could move my left leg. A warm thing was suddenly on my knee, and I kicked out with all of my might, scared of what it was.

The instant I struck the thing, my body was freed from whatever had been keeping me from moving, and spikes of pain zoomed up and down my spine in lightning bolts of agony that tore through every cell in my body. As my eyes shot open without my permission, one last thought raced through my tortured mind.

'I'm sorry, Allen. You might have to wait just a little bit longer for me.'


Lenalee's POV

Two hours after they started, Matron and Nii-san sat back away from Kanda. As soon as those two stood and walked away, I rushed to Kanda's side and put my hands on either side of his face. A long, ugly wound ran down his chest from right beneath his sternum to his right hip. I almost lost my lunch as the sight of the stitches that lines it. His entire stomach was bruised a dark, scary blue. I wiped the remaining bile from his lips and brushed his sweaty blue bangs from his forehead.

"Oh, god, Kanda. Please be alright. You've got to be alright. I don't know what I would do if you died too." I felt more tears welling up in my eyes and squished them closed, trying to stave off the salty water.

Two hours after Kanda's 'operation' ended, the Order's walls stopped shaking and the thunderous sounds of bricks collapsing ceased. A few brave finders ventured out into the open to scout for the rest of the group. In a few minutes, they wandered back, claiming that the coast was clear and there were no akuma in sight. Next, Matron sent up a scouting division of her bravest nurses, headed by -of course- Matron. They searched for the remains of the infirmary, finding it in remarkably good shape.

As soon as they had cleared a bed and set up the proper equipment, Matron ordered two burly finders to hoist Kanda onto a board and carry him to the infirmary.

Komui hooked Kanda up to a ventilator, something that Lavi told me would help him breathe better, and a brand new drip bag of blood. I plopped myself in a hard plastic chair and held Kanda's hand for the rest of the day, watching as the rest of the Order moved and worked all around me.


Three days after the Order was destroyed, Nii-san was able to contact the Asian Branch and notify them of out coming. Kanda still hadn't awoken, and I was starting to get worried about him. I still spent my days 24/7 by his side. I often held his hand and talked. I wasn't sure what I was talking about, but I think I covered everything from the happenings of the Order that day to dealing with Allen's passing.

I had shed quite a few tears over the boy, and I was still on a thin rope. Even the slightest thing could set me off edge. The second day, I had been getting food from the remains of the cafeteria, and some idiot had made an insensitive comment about Krory's white hair.

I completely flipped out. I don't know what exactly I was yelling about, probably the white hair comment made me think about Allen. I screamed and shouted and I think I might have broken his arm.

I know I shouldn't be acting like that, that there are more important things to deal with right now, that there will be time for mourning later. But I couldn't help acting like that, I wanted to deal with this now, and I didn't want to sit on these emotions that roiled and boiled inside me and made my head spin.


Blood pain agony terror why this again not me please no


By the eighth day, we had arrived at the Asian Branch by way of thirteen trains and a boat. Kanda still had not woken up. We had him situated in the Asian Branch's infirmary with all of the fixings: a shiny new ventilator, a drip bag of fluids, a heart monitor, and a hundred other machines to monitor his vitals and keep him alive. I wasn't even fifty percent sure of what they did. I just knew I was grateful that they had them.


Dark black empty alone stop it stop it now what did I do


I was just coming back from the canteen to visit Kanda the third day after we arrived, when there was a loud grunt from behind the door. I hurried into the room, multiple scenarios running through my mind. None of them were good.

Waiting on the other side was Lavi on the ground, holding his cheek, and a convulsing Kanda, who was still unconscious. I ran to Kanda's bedside at Lavi's bidding and tried to pin my friend's arms to his sides. His hair, freed from the tie, whipped across my face as his head snapped back and forth. Lavi stood from his spot on the floor, still rubbing at his jaw.

"Allen!" Kanda cried out in his sleep. "Allen!" More tears welled up in my eyes, and I couldn't even begin to stop them before they were falling down my cheeks and plopping against Kanda's bare chest.


Can't take it let me go please just let me die already


"Kanda! Kanda, you've got to wake up! Open your eyes, Yuu!" Lavi kept screaming in his face as he threw his entire body weight on top of Kanda's flailing legs. "Lenalee, go get Komui! He's going to tear his stitches!" I nodded and ran out of the room as fast as I could.


Kanda's POV

It was still dark, but it was lighter than it had been for a long time. I had almost forgotten what light was. But now everything was getting brighter, bright enough to cast a shadow. I could still feel remnants of the pain that lanced up to my brain and back to my toes. My entire body was aching terribly, and my head hurt something fierce. I finally remembered how to control my own limbs, and I slowed the frantic motion. I still couldn't breathe, though.

Shapes started taking form around me, Lavi hovering concernedly next to me, his hands on my shoulder and side. I blinked the last of the fuzziness out of my eyes and rolled my head towards him. Opening my mouth to speak to him,-probably an insult- I noticed that there was something covering my mouth and nose. I couldn't force words out around the thing. I frowned at it, trying to get my eyes to focus enough to identify the object.

Lavi noticed. "Hold on a second, Yuu. I'll get that thing off ya." He started fiddling with Velcro and buckles that hooked the device around the back of my head. After a few minutes, he gently pulled it away from my face. I struggled for a moment to make my lungs move before they finally obeyed me. I heaved in a breath, almost choking as the cold air assaulted my insides. As it was, I coughed for a solid ten seconds.

That Baka redhead started panicking. I'm not sure why; it was a total act and he knew that I knew. There was nobody else in the room, so I don't understand why he would waste his time with it. He helped me to sit up and took all of the stupid wires and attachments off of my skin and he offered to tie up my hair for me. I brushed him off, of course. I swung my feet over the side of the bed and stood, silently thanking whoever had the wonderful thought to give me a not-ruined pair of pants.

And my knees promptly buckled underneath me. I fell hard on the ground, and a streak of pain roared up from my stomach. I groaned as my breath caught. The cool tile sent goose bumps up my arms and down my back. Lavi jumped to my side and lifted me gently.

"You shouldn't be moving around yet; you just woke up." I snorted and tried to push him away. His grip tightened considerably around my elbows. "I'm not going to ask you again, Kanda. You were unconscious for eleven days. You went into shock. Not even your lotus was healing you. You need to rest."

I froze at his words. He took the opportunity to make me get back into the stupid bed and pull the blanket up over my hips. "What do you mean, my lotus wasn't healing me?"

"Exactly that. You were hurt badly, but your tattoo didn't change or anything, and you weren't healing on your own. None of us have any idea why not, though." He shook his head and gently laid his fingers on my stomach. His fingers were freezing, and sent another bout of goose bumps up. I looked down to his fingers to see a slash wound with ragged edges slicing a large swathe out of my otherwise flawless skin. "You gave us one hell of a scare, Yuu. Lenalee's barely left you alone this entire time, and Komui checked in every twenty minutes to see if you'd woken up."

He chuckled to himself. "They had to operate on you. Komui and Matron, I mean. Right there in the shelter with everyone around. Two hours of seeing you writhe… I-I never knew how torturous something could be before. You almost stopped breathing. That's why that thing was on your face. It was making you breathe; you didn't have any contro-"

"Where's Allen?"


Gray eyes flew open, flitting from side to side. Where was he? What was going on?

"Welcome back, Shounen."


AN: I almost hate myself for this. I reread it and started screaming at Komui - outloud - before I realized that it was my story and I had written it.

SPOILER ALERT!

If you couldn't tell, the quick italic flashes towards the end were Allen.

YOU'RE GOOD AGAIN.

The No. 6 reference was from the manga's volume 1, and the anime's episode 3. Where Kanda yells 'you don't know sex or books or how to fight properly' was the same as Nezumi yelling at Shion.

5,233 words

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