Accepting Chaos

Chapter Nine

Jonathan was running out of places to hide. He had never been in the Williams home before today and his unfamiliarity with the home, added with the pall of the funeral and burial, he felt terribly out of sorts. The only thing that was working in his favor was the English department, as well as some other professors from Gotham University, had long given up scowling at him to just ignoring him. That is until Alice would ghost up to his side, standing closer than she did with other professors, then they would frown and look away. Not that it bothered him too much. Alice's grief surpassed any social faux pas he may engage in today.

He tried to blend into the tasteful surroundings of antiques and leather couches with matching chairs but he felt oddly out of place. Kevin walked past him a couple times, nodded and kept moving but the third time, Alice's tall, red headed brother stopped in front of him.

"I can't find Alice."

Jonathan tried to silence the warning bells that were going off in his mind. He quickly accounted for every minute of the day and found he had no black out periods thankfully so that meant she hadn't come to harm by his hand. "I'll look for her."

"Thanks, man."

Kevin moved off and Jonathan started his search in the kitchen. He even checked the laundry room and pantry, figuring she was hiding as well, but she wasn't there. He passed through the living room, looking out into the backyard, complete with pool, but there were just a group of men smoking. There were only two other places for him to look in the downstairs of the townhouse and that was an empty bathroom and Dr. Williams study. He pushed the heavy oak door open, did a quick scan of the room and started to shut the door when the leather chair behind the desk moved slightly.

"Alice?"

The chair turned slightly, just enough for him to see it was Alice. "Hey." Her voice was rough and hoarse from crying.

"Kevin was looking for you."

"Did he need something?"

"I don't think so. He just sounded worried about not seeing you." He waited for her to say something but she just turned the chair to face the bay window. "I'll go tell him you're-"

"Jonathan?"

"Yes?"

"Are you alright?"

He stepped into the study and closed the door. If anyone walked in and saw the two of them in there alone the rumors would be all over campus before he even stepped foot in his first class. But this wasn't a subject he wanted overheard either and hoped that no one would open the door. "Yes. I'm fine. I think the more pertinent question would be, how are you?"

She sighed and he wished she would turn around so he could see her face. "I don't know. I'm sad, angry…scared."

He realized she wasn't going to turn the chair so he crossed the room and stood next to the high back, leather chair. Alice had her high heeled sandals off, her bare legs tucked up underneath her black skirt. She looked lost and every bit her seventeen years, with her curly red hair and tear-stained freckled cheeks. "Sadness and anger are very typical for grief." He swallowed, hoping the next question wouldn't bring Scarecrow to the surface. "But what do you have to be scared of?"

She stared at her hands and bit her lower lip. "It happened so fast. I said good bye to him that morning and then he was gone. There was no warning, no preparation." She finally looked up at him. "Everyone had prepared themselves for me dying. I kind of got used to the idea of me leaving people behind instead of the other way around."

"Life is filled with unexpected occurrences. You can't prepare for these things."

"Like falling in love with one of your professors?"

Or falling in love with one of your students? Where did that thought come from? Jonathan coughed and forcibly pushed that thought to the back of his mind. "I don't think this is the time to talk about that."

"What happened the other day in your office?"

"Alice, really, there should be other things on your mind."

Anger flashed behind her tears. "I lost my father without any forewarning. I don't want to lose you too. I need to know what happened."

"We can talk about this later."

She turned away from him, fixing her eyes on some point outside the window. He could practically feel the emotions pouring off of her and it made him uneasy. He had seen her upset but not like this. She had expressed anger at her father's lack of understanding and her brother's idiocy. She had shown anger towards him that once in his car when they reached the hospital but he didn't really count that time as it was backed by worry and not anger. It made him uncomfortable, like his skin itched and he needed to get out of it. No, he couldn't leave this room knowing Alice was upset with him, and rightful so. He knelt down next to the chair and turned it towards him so she would have to look at him.

"Alice, I'm so sorry but," he took a deep breath, "I don't really know what happened."

She looked at him with tired eyes. "Yes, you do. Any first year psychology student would know and you're so much more advanced than that. You went into a fugue state, didn't you?"

She brought him up short with her dead on diagnosis. He forgot who he was dealing with. Even with her father's death a recent a wound, she still had full capacity of her intellect. Lying wasn't going to work, not with her. "Yes, I suppose I did."

"Has it ever happened before?"

"No, never." He slipped his hand under hers and gave her long fingers a gentle squeeze. "You know that I would never hurt you, right?"

"Yes, I know that."

He let relief show in his face and smile. "Good."

"I would still like to know more about your childhood."

"I don't think you would. Especially not now." He took his free hand and placed it against her cheek, wiping the stray tears away with his thumb. "You concentrate on dealing with this tragedy now. Kevin's going to need you and you're going to need him."

She imitated his touch and he leaned his head into her hand. "I need you, too."

"And I'll be here," he promised as he turned his head and pressed his lips against her palm.


When Alice emerged from her father's study, she found the house empty save for her brother, who was sitting on the couch with a baseball game on. She slipped off her shoes and left them in the middle of the floor and sat down next to him. She wasn't surprised that he wasn't watching the game, rather just staring at it.

"I didn't mean to disappear on you, Kevin."

He shrugged. "That's alright. Jon said you were hiding out in Dad's study and when I went to check on you, you were sound asleep so I just left you there."

"Where is Jonathan?"

"He ran out to grab some food. He said he'd be back."

"I thought we had plenty of food?"

Kevin shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't even looked at the kitchen."

"What time is it?"

"Nine."

Alice sat there for a few moments, watching slightly overweight men run bases and feeling like she wanted to crawl out of her skin. Her father was gone. No more late night lectures on the dangers of being around Jonathan or psychological dissections of literary characters. No more golf stories with nine irons and birdies or English department cook outs before the fall semester starts. Fall semester, that was going to start in two weeks.

"Kev?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't want to go back to college."

Kevin put his arm around her. "I know, sis, but Dad would want you to finish."

She let her head fall onto his shoulder. "I just don't want to endure the looks and the pity. I'm so sick of it all."

"Maybe you should look into going out of state then?"

"I don't know."

"Look," Kevin shut the television off. "You don't have to make a decision tonight. Why don't we go get changed and go for a swim?"

Alice's thoughts went back to a few days previous when she had received the call of her Dad's heart attack. The heat in Jonathan's office, their discussion of the pool and then the…she wasn't sure what to call it. It wasn't an attack, though he had frightened her. However, she still got goose bumps just thinking about being that close to him. "A swim sounds good."

She went up to her room and quickly pulled off her dress, thankful to rid herself of the garment and grabbed her swimsuit. On her way downstairs, she went to get a towel and found Kevin already changed and pulling three towels out of the linen closet. He also had an extra pair of swimming trunks in hand.

"Does Jon swim?"

Alice shrugged. "I think he's neutral."

"Well," Kevin led the way out to the pool and dropped the extra towel and shorts on a chair, "if he wants to swim, he can."

The night wasn't cool but it was a blessedly relief from the heat that been assaulting Gotham. It made the water feel warmer than if they had gotten in the afternoon. Alice slipped under the water, wanting to feel any kind of detachment from what faced her in the real world. She still couldn't believe her father had been buried that day. And the things that had been happening with Jonathan, this fugue state, it just was too much to process. When she couldn't hold her breath anymore, she resurfaced to hear Kevin talking. Wiping water out of her eyes, she turned around to see Jonathan standing there, a tray of milkshakes in one hand and a McDonald's bag in the other.

"It's official," Kevin said, already standing in the shallow end, "Jon's the hero of the night."

He set the food down on a patio table. "Anything to help."

Kevin pointed over to extra towel and shorts. "You want to join us, there's a pair of trunks and a towel."

Alice saw the wheels turning in his head and spoke up. "Come on, Jonathan."

He gave her a slightly annoyed look, like he had almost figured out how to get out of it before she spoke up. Her reasoning for keeping him close was purely selfish, she knew that. She wanted to focus on someone else's problems instead of her own. Not to mention, seeing Jonathan without a shirt couldn't hurt matters either. Jonathan gathered up the shorts and went back into the house to get changed.

"Listen up, Al," Kevin pointed a finger at her, "behave yourself or I'll send you're boyfriend home."

"Yes, Father," she quipped and then choked on what she had just said. She started crying before she could rally her emotions and control them. Kevin went over to her and pulled her into a strong hug. "I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I wasn't thinking. I'm so sorry, Kev."

"Shh. It's alright, Al. I know."

She felt Kevin carry her out of the water and wondered how he managed to wrap her up in her towel when she realized Jonathan had reappeared. Kevin sat her down on one of the lounge chairs and she couldn't stop crying. She heard her brother whisper a "it's just a long day" to Jonathan.

"Perhaps I should just go," she heard him say that and it brought back some semblance of control for her.

"No, Jonathan, don't go," she wiped her tears on the towel and took a shaky breath. "I'll be fine in a minute." Someone, most likely Kevin, shoved one of the milkshakes into her hand and she automatically started sipping it. The coldness of the drink only added to her being completely wet and caused her to shiver. The sharp sting of being cold made her emotional control come back and soon she had her tears stopped. "I'm sorry, guys."

"Yeah," Kevin said, "crying on the day of Dad's funeral, that's completely inappropriate."

Alice looked up at her brother to see tears standing in his eyes too. They were all that was left of the Williams now. "Thanks, Kev."

He stood up abruptly and cleared his throat. "I think I'll just go finish watching the game." He grabbed a hamburger and one of the other milkshakes before going into the house and shutting the door.

"I can come back to check on you tomorrow, Alice."

She shook her head. "No, Jonathan, it's fine. I'd like it if you would stay."

He nodded once and sat down next to her on the chair. "What would you like me to do?"

Alice moved closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder. "Just hold me." She felt his arm come around her, pressing her closer into his shoulder and she closed her eyes, thankful for the comfort. She had her Jonathan there with her and that was all that mattered. She could worry about the other Jonathan tomorrow.