Okay, warnings for this chapter. Although this fic is rated M I care about my readers and never want you to be negatively impacted by anything I write. This chapters deals with scenes describing self harm.

You've been warned.

Read On!

Chapter 9

Later that night, around midnight Jon drove to Allie's house. He was wearing a pair of faded blue jeans, ripped in the knee, and close to the thigh. God, he'd had these jeans for forever. Allie saw someone pull in the driveway and hoped it would be Mark. They needed to finish talking. She needed to tell him everything...

But it wasn't Mark. It was Jon. He flung open her door without even knocking, making her gasp. He left the door standing open as he walked over to her. She was wearing a navy blue silk nighty, and a white sheer robe over it. The nighty was dangerously short, and Jon's gaze traveled slowly over her. She was so beautiful.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she asked.

"I came to tell you that I'm not giving up. You seem to think it wouldn't work between us. You seemed determined not to give us a chance again, and I don't know why, but to be honest I don't actually care. I know you love me, and whether or not you can admit that to yourself doesn't change the fact that its true." he moved closer to her, and she stepped back.

Jon kept advancing on her until she was backed up against the wall completely.

"I love you, Allie, and I'm not letting you go again without a fight. I didn't have a chance last time, but this time around is different, and you're not going to be able to just slip away. I'm gonna fight. Dammit Allie I'm gonna fight so fucking hard for you!"

He nuzzled her neck. She stood stiff as a board.

"I'm not sure what's stopping you from being with me...I wish I knew." he whispered against her ear. "Do you even know?"

"I love him."

"That's fine. But it's not enough to last forever, is it?" he said.

She didn't answer.

"What we have is forever, Allie." he whispered as he lowered his lips to hers.

This time, she didn't kiss him back. He pulled away. He was scared shitless right now. He was losing her.

"Allie." he pleaded, "Don't throw us away, babe."

He kissed her again, and this time she opened up to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and felt his warm body press against her. He broke the kiss before they went too far again. She had some choices to make, and he didn't want to cloud her judgement any more than he already had.

"I'm gonna go home, but Allie babe, think about what I said. I love you so much, still. I want to be with you, and I'm talking forever here. Not just right now, or until it doesn't work. Forever. Me and you."

He left her standing against the wall, more confused than ever.

First thing the next morning she drove to Mark's house. Knocked on the door, and he let her in.

"I have something to tell you. Actually I have a few things to tell you." she said quickly.

"Okay...go ahead." he said as he folded his arms across his chest and stood on the other side of the island in his kitchen.

She took a deep breath. Here goes...everything. "When I was a teenager I was abused by my stepfather. Sexually, emotionally, physically. I met Jon while this was going on, and the last time he put me in the hospital, and I moved in with Jon to get away from him."

Mark said nothing, only blinked.

"Jon and I were happy. He was working towards his dream of moving up in the wrestling world, and I was planning for college. We were in love, and yes before you ask we did sleep together."

The vein in Mark's neck was pulsing now. Not a good sign.

"One night while Jon was out of town, Rob was staying with me and my stepdad tried to get inside the house and attack me. He really messed with my head, ya know. Like bad. I was out of my mind with worry, and I was scared all the time. I started cutting myself."

She shed her jacket and revealed her scars to Mark. She extended her forearms to him and his eyes widened a fraction as he took in their meanings.

"Jon helped me get over that, for the most part. It took a long time, but I was getting better. Then, one night my stepdad broke into our house and attacked me, and Jon. He stabbed Jon, and I wound up shooting him. I killed him."

"God, Allie." Mark said.

"After that I was really messed up, and I left Jon. Just up and fucking left him like a little bitch. I was going crazy, and needed to get better. Eventually, I did as you know. But I never saw Jon again until this week when he came back to town. And its like...I don't know, Mark. I still love him, he's in my heart, and I don't know what to do about it because I love you too." she shrugged and waited for Mark's response.

"So, you've been lying to me since he's been back about who he was? Saying he was just an old friend..."

"Yes. I've been lying. And I hate myself for it because you are a great man, Mark. You deserve so much better."

Mark was quiet for a long while. Just standing there, one hand on his hip, the other rubbing his jaw. Finally, he spoke up, "Wow, its like I don't even know you at all...who are you?"

"I'm Allie." she shrugged and let her arms fall at her sides. "And despite what you are thinking right now I do love you, but there's something else you need to know."

"I don't think I want to..."

"You don't, but I have to be honest."

"Allie, I don't want to know, please don't tell me." he was rubbing a hand over his face.

"I slept with Jon."

"You already said that."

"A few nights ago." she said.

He looked up, emotion written all over his face. Rage, hurt, sadness, disappointment.

"I'm so sorry." she pleaded. "I never meant to hurt you, Mark."

Once more he went completely silent until he said, "I thought this whole time that you were just as much in love with me as I was you...but if he can come into town and be with you in just a matter of days...that isn't true. I don't know if you really do love me."

"I do!"

"No, Allie I think you love him. And now I see why there was never room for me in your life really. He was still there...you still...feel for him."

"Mark..."

"And if we were to get married it would never be just us. He'd be there, whether he was actually there or not. He'd be hanging over us like a shadow for the rest of our lives, and that's not something I want. If you're with me, I want you to be with me and only me. Heart and soul. Is that too much to ask?"

"No." she whispered.

"I need some time to think about things, Allie...but I want the ring back."

Allie bit her lip. She'd figured on this, but it stung and hurt so bad. In hurting Mark, she'd hurt herself. She slipped the ring off and placed it on the counter in front of her.

"Actually, I don't need to think about it. I don't want to be with you anymore, Allie. You cheated on me, you lied to me, and its clear you're in love with someone else and always have been. Guess I was just too stupid to see it before now." He shrugged his shoulders.

Allie only nodded and picked up her jacket before turning around to leave. She cried the whole way home. Her heart was broken. She had to tell Mark the truth, and there was no way around it. She hoped he would eventually forgive her, and maybe give her another chance but it looked like that would never happen.

She didn't even know if she and Jon could really make it work. In her mind she just threw away a life with Mark for maybe nothing. Who knew what would happen if she and Jon got together again for good?

Her heart was broken. She had a shitty way of showing it, but she did love Mark and he was in her heart. Now he was gone. Jon didn't seem like the forever type of guy, despite his words. All she knew right now was she needed a drink. She needed to cry, the pain was too much to handle.

She got home, and rushed in to the bathroom. The thoughts were creeping into her mind again...

You know how to block out the pain, Allie.

You know how to calm yourself down.

You know how to make it stop...

She looked in the mirror, and then down to her razor sitting on the sink. She hated everything right now. She ruined her whole life for Jon, how could she be so stupid? She stared at the razor, and listened to the voices, and suddenly she was a teenager again.

Felt like she had no where to go. No one to run to. No safe place to hide.

You're such a fuck up, Allie.

You didn't seriously think you could be happy, did you?

You don't deserve to be happy.

"Shut up!" she screamed as she covered her ears, and sank to the bathroom floor, razor in hand. She wasn't sure when she even picked it up. She thought about the pain she'd caused Mark today. The pain she'd caused Jon three years ago, and the pain she'd inflicted upon herself now as the result of both.

God, what was wrong with her?

Look at you, you're a mess. Crying like a little bitch!

"SHUT UP!" she screamed through her tears.

You know how to make me shut up.

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she lost all hope, and took the razor to her wrist, slicing across her vein. She watched the blood flow to the surface. For a moment she was afraid, but then she felt so warm, and saw spots before her eyes. She gave herself over to the darkness because it was so much better than feeling the way she felt.