Author's Note: I suppose I owe everyone an apology for having you wait nearly two years for an update. Honestly, I was going through some depression and family issues. Now I am busy with grad school, but I have some time this summer to write, so I want to at least try and get one of my stories finished. I hope that you enjoy my writing. I am also looking for a beta to read though my chapters after I edit them to weed out mistakes that I miss (I am known to miss many of my own mistakes!). Hopefully there are not too many errors in this! Anyways, enjoy this chapter! I worked really hard to get this done today for all of you! It's getting good!
Disclaimer: All this wonderfulness belongs to the fantastic J.K. Rowling…well, except the plot.
Letting It All Go
Chapter Nine: Heavy in your Arms
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"And is it worth the wait;
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand,
Protecting both your heart and mine?"
—Florence and the Machine
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Thirsty.
That was all she could think about. Her head felt so heavy, but she could feel a soft pillow behind it. She needed to open her eyes and figure out where she was and how she could get something to drink. Before she could do that, though, she needed to assess herself.
Thirsty. Throat was raw—either from thirst or when she puked. Oh. She puked a lot. All those pills. That explained her stomach pain as well. She suspected her stomach had been pumped. Probably to get any of the pills that remained, as well as the fire whiskey that she had tried to drink in order to keep the pills going down her throat.
She knew she wasn't at home in her own bed. She knew this for the simple fact that she could hear the "beep beep" of medical machines that were keeping track of her vitals. What hospital she was at remained to be seen. She wasn't ready to be awake just yet.
On top of the raw throat and stomach pain, she could feel where the glass from broken picture frames and whiskey bottles had cut into her skin. Her hands were wrapped in gauze as were her feet and knees. It helped that she was a Healer. She knew exactly how to diagnose herself.
Alcoholic.
Depressed.
Suicidal.
Fucked.
With a sigh of irritation, Hermione finally opened her eyes and blinked in the semi darkness of the hospital room. Glancing around, she knew immediately she wasn't in St. Mungo's. There was a Muggle television on the wall and the scenery out the window was of Muggle London. The light out of the window indicated early morning. It had to be around five or six. It was raining.
Rain. She remembered rain. Someone running through the rain and whispering to her. She shook her head to try and clear it a bit, but that only made it ache. Add possible concussion to the list. Trying to sit up was difficult with her wrapped hands, but she managed. Glancing around she noted that she was alone in the room; the other bed was unoccupied. Hermione tried to swallow again, but her mouth was much too dry,
Dehydrated.
She was just about to hit the buzzer for a nurse to come and help her, when the door opened and a body slid inside. She sat up straight and squinted in the semi darkness to see who it was.
Draco stood in the doorway, light from the hallway spilling around him. He looked exhausted and there were dark circles under his eyes. His clothes were wrinkled…and…bloody? Oh.
"Dra—" She tried to speak but her raw throat prevented her from finishing his name.
Draco walked into the room and handed her a cup of ice chips. He then promptly sat in the chair next to her bed and folded his arms across his chest. Raising his eyebrows, Draco gestured towards the cup in her hand. "Eat those."
She tore her gaze away from the blond and tipped some of the ice into her mouth. It was heaven. The cool ice melted in her mouth and slid down her throat slowly. The rawness began to dissipate. She wanted to say something to him. Anything. She glanced back up at him again but the look on his face indicated that he would wait for her to finish.
What had happened? Why was he covered in blood? Was it her blood? His? Where were they? How long had she been asleep? Was he mad?
Did he hate her?
The last question was surprisingly the one she wanted answered the most. She finished her ice chips and placed the cup on the table to her right, getting tangled in her IV at the same time. She untangled herself and took a deep breath fully intending to start asking her questions. She never got the chance.
"I can't even for one minute begin to understand what the hell you were thinking, Granger."
Granger. He was mad.
She dropped her gaze from his smoldering silver eyes to her hands in her lap. She was ashamed. Here she was trying her best to save Draco from killing himself over the death of Astoria, and she goes and does something like this. She would be lucky to ever be taken seriously in the medical field again. She was probably fired.
"Hermione, are you even listening to me?" Draco asked leaning forward and touching her wrist. She looked back up at him and shook her head, tears springing to her eyes. He had continued talking while she berated herself.
"Sorry. I got lost in my thoughts."
"Damn it, Granger. You have to take this seriously."
Draco ran a hand across his face and Hermione found she couldn't find the words she needed to express how bad she felt. "What happened?"
A bark of laughter that didn't sound the least bit amused erupted from him. "You're kidding me right? You know what you tried to do."
She shook her head, stopping immediately because it made her head hurt. "No, let me rephrase. How did we get here? Where is here?"
"Muggle hospital. I have no idea what it's called."
She nodded. "How long was I asleep?"
Draco sighed and fell back into his chair. He stared at her for a minute before speaking again. "If you had gone to work instead of drinking yourself into oblivion, you would have been home a day ago."
Her eyes widened at the realization of what he just said. "Three days! I have been here for three days!" Hermione began to panic. She was most definitely in trouble now. Chief Healer Devon would ask for her resignation, or worse, he would just fire her for not showing up.
Draco stood from the chair and moved to sit on the edge of her bed. "Please stop panicking, Hermione. Your machines are going insane."
Hermione. That was better.
He was right, though. The minute he had told her how long she'd been here, her vitals had gone off the handle. She reached for his hand, and he allowed her to hold it. Immediately she felt better. Laying back against the pillow, Hermione closed her eyes and tried to breathe normally. Just having Draco this close to her was a relief. His presence calmed her. She opened he eyes and looked into his worried ones.
"I'm sorry."
He squeezed her hand in response. She gave him a small smile. She really was sorry. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do. Now it all seemed like a crazy ass dream. She had a lot of work to do now; on him and herself. That was if he even wanted her help anymore. It felt like she was relying more on Draco than he was relying on her these days. Maybe it was time for him to move on.
Hermione wanted to talk with him more—she still had questions to ask—but just then a doctor came into the room.
"Mrs. Malfoy? Hello, I'm Dr. Watson. There are some things we need to discuss." He opened her file and began sorting through the documents inside.
Hermione opened her mouth to correct the man, but Draco stood and cleared his throat. "I'll let you talk to my wife alone." To her he said, "I'll be out in the waiting room. I called Harry and Ginny. They should be here soon." He squeezed her hand as if to say, "Go with it."
Completely baffled, Hermione could only nod at Draco as he released her hand and strode from the room, shutting the door behind him. Shaking her head a bit to clear it, she turned her attention to her doctor.
"How much trouble am I in, doctor?"
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Draco was only sitting in the nearly empty waiting room for about ten minutes, when he saw Ginny and Harry turn the corner and enter the area. He stood and attempted to smooth his clothes as he strode towards the pair. Ginny looked a worried mess while Harry just looked confused.
"Malfoy. What happened?" He asked as Draco stopped in front of them.
Draco shook his head. "First things first; did you bring me a change of clothes?"
Ginny rolled he eyes and handed him a bag. "Here. Now answer the question."
Tucking the bag of clothes under his arm, he gestured towards the seating area. The couple followed him and they all sat down. He quickly filled them in on what had happened. Ginny started to cry at one point and Harry even looked close to tears himself. When he had finished, Harry stood up angrily.
"You didn't bother to get in contact with us for THREE days?" He began to pace. "My best friend was lying in a hospital bed with the doctors uncertain if she would even wake up, and you didn't bother to contact me?" The raven haired man stopped in front of his old nemesis waiting for an answer.
Draco sighed. He knew this was going to go over well. "I didn't know how to get in touch with you!" He grabbed the bag of clothes and stood up to face Harry. "I left behind my wand and Hermione didn't have her little phone on her. Once I knew she was going to be alright, I asked the nurse to help me find your number. I didn't want to worry anyone unless it was absolutely necessary." He stepped around the shocked man, and began to walk away. Over his shoulder he added, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a shower and a change of clothes. Thanks, Weasley, for getting these for me."
Stunned, Ginny simply said, "You're welcome."
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Fifteen minutes later, Draco returned to Hermione's room to find Harry and Ginny inside. He was just about to turn around and leave, when Harry gestured him inside. He entered wearily. It was always uncomfortable when he was around her friends. He never really knew how to act. He didn't really dislike any of them anymore, well, except Ron, but he certainly wasn't "friends" with any of them either.
Draco went to take a seat in the corner, but Hermione reached for him. He couldn't very well deny her in front of the Potter's, so he settled himself on the side of her bed. Ginny was telling her about the letter she had sent Rose and Hugo.
"I just wanted them to know you were alright. I didn't really go into the details." She fidgeted with her hands a bit before continuing. "They know you're in the hospital, but that you'll be coming home within the next day or two."
Hermione sighed and Draco looked down into her face. She looked miserable. She was putting on a brave face after what she had done. She was much more put together than he ever was after a suicidal episode. He glanced back up and noticed Harry looking at him questioningly. Draco stood back up.
"Harry, let's give the ladies time to talk. I need a coffee or tea, and you have money."
Harry nodded and moved for the door. Draco let his hand rest on Hermione's shoulder for a second before exiting the room. The two men walked towards the vending machines to keep up the pretense of getting beverages. Once there, Harry handed Draco some money. Instead of putting it in the coffee machine, he turned and looked at Harry.
"I'm falling in love with her."
"Shit." Harry ran a hand through his already messy hair. "This is obviously not the greatest time in the world, Malfoy."
He slammed his fist into the machine causing a few passerby to look at him strangely, but Draco didn't care. "Don't you think I already know that? She's my therapist Healer, damn it. It just sort of happened!"
Harry shook his head and sighed. "What does she think about this? Have you told her?"
"No. She has no idea." Draco leaned against the wall and decided to tell the whole truth. "I kissed her while she was sleeping once." He slid down the wall and sat in a heap on the floor. Letting out a low whistle, Harry joined him, letting his head thud lightly against the wall.
"You kissed Hermione."
"Yes."
"She doesn't know?"
"She was drinking and fell asleep."
"Does she drink a lot? You know, more than she tells all of us?" Harry tilted his head to look at Draco who nodded.
"Almost every night. She's been a lot better lately, but it's not good. She has a serious problem. She needs help." Draco closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt like crying. "I take care of her."
"Shit. I've never really talked to her about the situation. Ron didn't really go into details when he divorced her. I was a bit surprised when she didn't fight him over it."
"Ron is fighting for full custody. Did you know that?" Draco opened his eyes and reached into his pocket. He withdrew a crumpled, half torn piece of parchment. "I found this in Hermione's items after I brought her here. I think it's what set her off." He handed the paper to Harry and waited in silence as it was read.
"Son of a bitch." Harry read the custody papers a second and third time before turning to Draco. "She's going to lose the kids. Especially if this incident gets out. We have to do something." Harry stood up and gestured that Draco should do the same. Draco stood and followed Harry back towards Hermione's room. He stopped short nearly knocking over a nurse as Harry suddenly turned towards him.
"I'm not sure right now is the best time to tell Hermione that you love her."
Draco swallowed. "I'm fully aware of that. That's why as soon as she is safely home, I am packing and moving back to the Manor." He threw his hands up into the air. "I'll find a way to deal with my demons on my own so that maybe Hermione can get rid of hers."
Harry did something Draco wasn't expecting then—he stepped forward and enveloped him in a hug. Reluctantly, Draco returned the hug. It actually felt nice to have human contact for once. Harry released him and stepped back, tears in his eyes. "I know you've been to hell and back a number of times, Malfoy, but you are a good man." With a smile and a shake of his head he continued, "If the timing was better, I'd say you and Hermione would be perfect for each other."
"Thanks, Potter."
Harry reached out his hand and stared at Draco with his eyebrows raised. With a smirk, Draco clasped his hand with Harry's and they shook on a new friendship. Draco just hoped that Hermione would be okay.
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The next day, Hermione was set to be released sometime after lunch. She was more than ready to get out of this place. Not that she was very hungry, but the food was horrible. She spent enough time in a hospital as it was. Ginny had brought her fresh clothes the day before so she had been able to shower and get cleaned up this morning. Now, she was just sitting on the bed staring out the window watching the rain. The longer she was here, the more of a chance that Ron would find her. If she was lucky she might be able to keep this under wraps.
Unfortunately, that might be more difficult than originally thought. This was all thanks to Ernie showing up early this morning. She had just gotten out of the shower and settled back onto the bed when he had come barging in the room. He had said how he'd gotten Draco's letter about her being ill, but had wanted to come and check to make sure she was alright. She didn't believe that for a second. He had wanted to see exactly what was wrong. She suspected that he had taken a look at her chart while she was showering.
She pretended that she had just been overworked, but she could tell he knew more just by the snide little smile on his fat face. Hopefully he wouldn't stress the issue though. She had told him she'd be back to work next week and everything would be fine. She just needed to get home and have a few days to relax. He'd told her not to worry too much about it. That hadn't sounded good, but she kept the smile on her face. As he was leaving he'd said he'd see her real soon…which also didn't sound good.
Honestly, at this point all she could think about was that damn letter from Ron's lawyer. She knew Draco was keeping hold of it. Actually, he might have given it to Harry. She had no idea. Last night he and Harry had returned from "getting drinks" with a plan in mind. She wasn't happy about it either. It wasn't going to work. She was doomed really. Those custody papers were…well she didn't have a good chance at this point. Harry insisted that if they could keep this hospital stay a secret, she might have a chance.
That was laughable.
He was supposed to go and talk to Ron today about the entire issue. Ginny was going too. They hoped that the pair of them might be able to talk some sense into the man. Hermione doubted it. That was the thing about Ron; when he got an idea in his mind, he went full force forward with it. Hermione would lose custody of Rose and Hugo before Christmas at this point. Sure, Rose would be free to see her once the Trace was taken off of her at the end of the year, but it would be years before she could see Hugo again.
Swallowing the lump in her throat and wiping the tears from her eyes, Hermione turned her head to stare at Draco. He was completely engulfed in some book he had purchased at the bookstore down the street. She had wished he'd been here this morning when Ernie arrived, but he had gone out to buy a book about custody battles. Now he was reading like he was going to go blind tomorrow. She wished he would talk to her. He still seemed to be mad at her and that hurt more than the ulcers in her mouth.
She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again and opted for just laying on her side staring at this beautiful, loyal version of the cold and hateful Draco she used to know. She was supposed to be the one being strong. He was supposed to be leaning on her, but instead here she was, relying on him to carry her through this mess she'd gotten herself into. The worst part, she had no idea whether or not he was strong enough to do this.
Was he strong enough to love again?
Was he strong enough to love her?
Hermione sat straight up in bed at that thought, her heart pounding in her chest. She squeezed the sheets between her fingers and gasped.
Draco had looked up from the book and hurried to her side, setting the book on the table.
"What is it? Are you okay? Are you in pain, Hermione?"
She shook her head. "No. No, I'm alright. I just…thought of something."
"Should I get Dr. Watson?" He asked as he sat down on the bed.
Hermione tried to relax, but couldn't. To distract him, she asked if he could get her some ice chips. He agreed and left the room which suddenly felt like it was closing in around Hermione.
Rubbing her face with both hands she curled into a ball and let her thoughts take over,
She loved him.
She, Hermione Granger, loved Draco Malfoy.
Oh, this was not good. And yet, it explained so much. She had felt stirrings for a while, but had ignored them. Now, she knew why she wanted him to stay with her at the flat: she needed him because she loved him. How did she let this happen? Did he know? Did he feel the same? She couldn't do this. She would weigh him down with all the drama that was going on her life. He didn't need this. He didn't need her! Fuck, he was still mourning the loss of Astoria! Good Godric she had just found him in the pouring down rain on the balcony a little over a week ago muttering about how sorry he was to her!
Laying there in utter terror at her revelation, she was relieved when Draco returned without the ice chips, but with Dr. Watson who informed her she was all set to leave.
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When they arrived back in the flat, Hermione felt a bit of relief, but at the same time, she was now one hundred percent alone with Draco. There was no one left to buffer between them. She couldn't avoid talking to him anymore.
"I'm going to put your bag upstairs. Are you okay to make some tea?" Draco asked her, stopping in the doorway to the hall.
She nodded and headed into the kitchen and filled the kettle up in the sink before returning it to stove. She sat on her usual stool at the island and waited for Draco to return from upstairs. Hermione had to think and quick. Should she mention her feelings to Draco or should she just ask him to leave without acknowledging it? Either way, Draco needed to leave. He couldn't stay here anymore. Not because she didn't want him here, but because it was unethical for her to continue treating him feeling the way she did.
Before she could really make her decision, Draco retuned. The kettle went off at the same time so he gestured for her to stay seated as he prepared their cups of tea. Hermione watched silently as he did all of this. Her throat felt dry and her stomach was in knots. Draco went to set the tea cups on the counter but stopped at the last second.
"Come on, let's go sit in the living room. It's more comfortable."
He led the way and they both sat on the couch. Draco placed the tea cups on the coffee table and turned so he was facing her. She turned to face him as well, already forgetting about the tea.
"Tell me what's wrong, Granger."
Hermione blinked slowly, not quite knowing where to start. "This is too much for you to deal with right now."
"Yes."
"I think that maybe it might be a good idea for you to leave…" She hated that she had to say these words, but it was the right thing to do. She didn't need to drag him down with her. He had been doing so well.
"Why do you think that?" Draco leaned forward so he was brushing up against her side on the couch. "I agree, but I'm not sure it's for the same reason."
Hermione was confused by his words. She swallowed and twisted her hands in her lap. "Draco…you have been so good to me. You have been so strong, but I am the one that was supposed to be strong for you. Instead, you were the one carrying me, literally, at times."
"As true as that might be, I am not upset with you over all of this." He took her hand in his and intertwined their fingers. Hermione shivered at the touch and wet her dry lips.
"What are you feeling, exactly, Draco?"
"It's not important. I'm leaving in the morning."
She was shocked and jerked backwards. "What? So soon?"
"I have cherished all of my time here with you, Hermione. You have helped me in ways I didn't think possible, but it's time for me to go. For you and…for me."
Draco stood up and walked to the window and Hermione could only stare in shock at the back of his head. She knew he had to go—she did—but she thought they still had time. She didn't want to do this now. She needed time to process.
"I think I might love you."
It was whispered, but it was out there and she couldn't take it back.
Hermione watched as Draco's shoulders caved and heard him sigh. His hand came up to run through his hair. He was shaking his head as he turned around. She was standing now, though she couldn't remember when she got up from the couch. Possibly when she'd spoken.
"Hermione, no, please…you can't."
She stood there, her hands facing up. "I think I might."
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Draco replied, "I'm leaving not because of what happened, or because you might…love…me, but because I already know that I am falling in love with you."
Hermione felt warmth spread from her chest to the tips of her fingers and toes and then to her face. Draco loved her. This was quite unexpected. She suspected he cared for her, but not like this. The declaration was not unwanted. This would make things easier if there were no other strings attached to their situation, but that was not the case. They couldn't really be together.
"You're over thinking this aren't you?"
"I might be." She shrugged.
They stared at each other—brown eyes locked on silver. Hermione wet her lips again and Draco took a step forward. She jerked backwards suddenly scared of what might happen.
"What—What are you doing?"
"Hold still." Draco whispered against her lips.
And then, he kissed her.
His lips felt cool against hers. She felt on fire as her hands fluttered up to his neck and slid into the soft blond hair at the nape of his neck. She moaned as he pulled their bodies closer, and he took the opportunity to slide his tongue into her mouth to run against hers. She was lost in his touch. His smell. His everything. Her body was on fire and it felt heavy in his arms. She hadn't been with a man in so long. She had almost forgotten how magical just kissing could be. Oh, but this was magical all right. She could feel their magic coursing around them as the kiss deepened and she finally had to jerk her head away to catch her breath.
Breathing heavily, she looked at him. His hair was ruffled from her hands moving through it and his lips were a bright pink. She wanted to kiss him again.
So she did.
The second kiss was just as amazing as the first, and she felt Draco push her against the living room wall. Hermione let her head fall back as Draco's mouth found its way to her neck. She reached for the buttons on his shirt at the same time he went to take off her shirt. She stopped her movements so she could help him lift the shirt over her head. His hands cupped her breasts and he gently flicked his thumbs over her hardening nipples. Hermione groaned in response and grabbed his head to pull him down for another heated kiss.
At this point, Hermione said, "Fuck it," to his shirt and went for his jeans instead. Just as she managed to undo the button and zipper the Floo made a "whoosh" sound causing the pair to turn their heads to look back across the room.
Harry stepped out of the fireplace and brushed the soot off his robes. When he spotted the two panting against the wall he blushed bright red and exclaimed, "Damn it, you two! This is not the time for that!" He threw a paper across the room to Malfoy, who managed to catch it. "Ron found out about the suicide attempt. He's gone to the paper."
All the blood drained from Hermione's head as she looked at the paper in Draco's hands. The headline read:
"Hermione Granger: War Hero, Brightest Witch of her Age turned Suicidal Alcoholic."
Suddenly the room was spinning. Hermione tried to grab onto the wall, but failed. Her body fell to the floor as the sobbing overtook her. A minute later, she passed out.
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