The Tables Turn…



"All right you bastards!"

Silence.

Solidus felt a bit stupid, and glanced back at his bodyguards who shrugged. They walked down the length of the plane and realised that the remaining terrorists were looking up the ladder. And at what, he didn't dare speculate – it could be anything.

"And then…and then the man hit him inna balls!"

Jack? Was he ok? He sounded okay, but that LANGUAGE!!

"Hey!" He called out. He was ignored. "OI! LOOK AT ME! I AM THE PRES – I – DENT!!"

"Uhh, sir? It's not working."

"I can see that, you numbskull."

Solidus sighed, and buried his head in his hands.

Some people. Bloody hell.

"Daddy!" the little boy crowed, and ran down the stairs and into his arms. Jack burrowed into Solidus' body and hugged him fiercely.

"Okay boys." Solidus remarked calmly. "It's time to put down your weapons. You're seriously outnumbered."

"…Um, we'll only give up if you stop the mad man driving the damned plane." As the words left the man's mouth, the plane dipped and started to nosedive. There were screams of fear, but the plane righted itself.

"I…I thought it was turbulence!"

"No way man, it's the weird guy on pot!"

"Yeah! Save us Mr President!"

"We love you!"

"Yeah!"

Shaking off the glomping terrorists, Solidus struck a heroic pose. "Lock 'em in the hold. I have a Snake to control."

*

"It seems that your men have taken over the plane." The vice president said patiently.

"Yes…"

"They are under the influence of banned substances."

"…Yes…" Could Campbell sink any lower into his seat?

"…AND…you have a manic depressive up there…Driving the plane."

"Well…according to Mantis, he hasn't been taking his medication."

"What?! Why the hell not?!"

"Mantis?" Campbell called out. The creepy agent glided forward and glared at the surrounding suits with a look of disgust. Everyone edged away from him.

"On the medication he had a tendency to see things that weren't there, and would often run screaming if anyone mentioned Ocelot and pornography in the same sentence." Mantis paused. "But then I think everyone does that. Um, he was having terrible nightmares and would often dance through the facility half naked, and we would find him asleep in the laundry room."

Silence.

"Was I supposed to tell them that, Colonel?" Mantis asked worriedly.

"…Uhh…"

"We have a mad man driving Air Force One. And I have to tell the public. To begin with, there will be a nationwide panic, and then people won't believe me. I can't believe he's not been COMITTED let alone allowed a GUN. You people…"

"We're short on staff…you don't get good mercenaries like you used to." Campbell said sadly. "But he makes wonderful hot chocolate."

"Get out…GET OUT!!"

*

"What about that button?"

"That one looks a lot like the one a Boeing 747 uses to dump its waste."

"Cool! Let's do it!"

"No. Stop fooling around." Liquid's head was astonishingly clear, even though his head was just about ready to come apart, and very soon he'd black out. "I can do this. I know I can. See? This stick moves the damn thing, and I can make it go UP" The plane jerked, and there was the comical lead up scream of the rest of the passengers. "Or go DOWN." There was another roll, and the screams decreased in tone. "I think I have it now. According to the radar, London 's Heathrow is the only place we can really land. It looks like some idiot decided to dump half the fuel."

"Unless it was only half filled in the first place."

"You have a point, Dingo. Okay, I'm going to turn around, radio Heathrow and get us out of here."

"Do we HAVE to land there?" Whined Ocelot.

"No. Not really. But I miss home, and I really want to get to Forbidden Planet."

"What the hell is that? Ocelot moaned. "Not a stupid theme restaurant is it?"

"I have more pride then that. It's one of the biggest comic shops in London. I can finally pick-up my art books!"

"Oh God, I'm trapped up here with a deranged shojo-loving bastard!"

"There's a lot you can learn from those books."

"Are we flying the plane or discussing cartoons? You just ran over a bird!"

"It was in the way." Liquid growled. "Okay, here we go-"

"HEY! YOU!"

"…?" Liquid turned around. "Where'd you come from?!"

The president smiled evilly at the three men crowded in the cockpit of the plane. "So. We see the real terrorists. Even though you were sent to protect me from *them* it turns out you're the masterminds behind the operation."

"If people keep accusing me of terrorism, I might just do it for real!! Peer pressure, understand?! EVERYONE BLAMES ME FOR EVERYTHING!"

"Oh gawd, you got him fired up, sir!" Dingo moaned, and tried to hold down the furious Liquid.

"Nyaaaahhh!! Lemme go! I wanna hit 'im! I wanna hit 'im!"

"Calm down! Remember the self-help books? Think calming thoughts…uhh, secluded beaches…umm, blue water…hot naked chicks…no, wait, that's my fantasy-"

"YES! We HAVE taken over the plane! And if you don't meet our demands, you're going to be very sorry!"

"What?" Solidus gasped.

Liquid threw Dingo off him and pulled something out of one of the many pockets of his trousers. It was small, lethal looking, and it beeped. "I have a bomb! I'll land the plane IF you do what I say!" Liquid yelled. "You hear me, you uptight wankers?! I'm close to the edge! I WILL set it off!!"

Everyone backed away

"He never told me about this!" gasped Ocelot.

"That's not a detonator – that's his mobile." Dingo whispered back. "They've pushed him over the edge…I *told* Campbell to leave off…"

Through the intercom came the frightened voice of the vice president. "Yes, we hear you…"

"I want…"

"Yes?"

"Want…"

"YES?"

Liquid's eyes were glazed with exhaustion. "Four weeks of peace and quiet…my own private beach…make it Queensland…I haven't been there in years…uh…spending money…access to vehicles…and…"

"What? WHAT YOU MANIAC?!" Screamed Solidus, veins popping up all over his skin.

"A nice soft bed?"

"Huh?" Solidus stared at him, and began edging away. "Yeah, sure, you little freak…" This was Liquid Snake? Not a chance in hell…

"Oh. Good." Liquid relaxed, put his mobile phone back in his pocket, and sat back at the chair, looking at the controls. "Lets go home." He said dreamily, and fighting the overwhelming desire to sleep, he placed his hands on the controls. Time to go.

*

The plane glided in and rolled to a gentle stop in front of army officials, police, and of course, awed bystanders. The terrorists were all rounded up and carted away, (Strangely enough, no bomb could be found…perhaps the terrorists had forgotten to pack it?) the president congratulated for his bravery.

"It's not all me, you know. My son had a big part to play, didn't you Jack?"

"Yeah!" Leaving the press a bit worried because Jack looked like a girl. Especially with his hair tied back in pink ribbons.

No one noticed the three men making a quiet getaway. Okay, only two, they were carrying the third who was fast asleep. Once again, Foxhound had succeeded in averting a crisis…

But we all know it doesn't end there…

~sort of the end.