A five-year-old Clarke giggled happily as her father spun her around in the air, arms thrown out and baby blonde curls fluttering in the wind. The bright blue sky shone above them, the sun's rays dancing along their skin through the white puffy clouds.
"Again! Again, daddy!" Clarke shouted happily as her father, Jake, placed her back on her feet.
"How about we look at the clouds, kiddo? Let's see who can find one shaped like a bunny first," Jake offered a tad out of breath.
Clarke squealed happily before rushing to find the perfect spot on the lush grass in their backyard. When the view above her was no longer hindered by tree branches she plopped down and patted the spot next to her as an open invitation to her dad. Jake laid down quietly before pulling Clarke into his side and letting her head rest on his arm as a makeshift pillow.
The next hour was spent filled with giggles, sneaky tickles, and finding endless shapes in the large white masses hanging above them.
"Look! There's a flower!" Clarke shouted as she pointed to a four petal shaped cloud.
"And there's a teddy bear," Jake nudged the little blonde in the shoulder to get her attention to the cloud a little further out than the rest.
Clarke giggled as she poked her dad in the side and let her imagination run wild,"That's not a teddy bear, daddy! It's a panda! See the difference!"
"Of course!" Jake lightly smacked his forehead,"What was I thinking?"
Baby blue eyes, much like the sky itself, gazed around more, in search of the one thing neither of them could seem to find. It felt like hours, joy-filled hours, until a small finger pointed upwards with a small gasp.
"There it is, daddy! A bunny! I knew I'd find it first!" Clarke said joyously as she stared at the floppy eared blob floating above them.
When no answer came from Jake, Clarke slowly turned to the side to see if her father had fallen asleep like he had so many times before. Blue eyes glazed over with fear, her little chest heaving as oxygen escaped her lungs, and her body began to shake as she pushed herself away from the person next to her.
Instead of the kind eyes of her father, that so much resembled her own, she was faced with the murky brown that would come to haunt her in the oncoming years. Her heart tried desperately to beat out of her chest as Anthony moved to stand up. Her hands grabbed ahold of the grass beneath her and clung to it like dear life as he stalked closer to her.
Clarke looked around, her eyes praying to fall onto the figure of her father,"Where's my daddy? What did you do with him?"
"No one's here to save you, Clarke. You're just the pathetic little girl you've always been. Defenseless. Hopeless. Broken," Anthony said darkly as he towered over her.
"Where's my daddy?!" Clarke repeated, fear completely consuming her heart.
"No one wants you, Clarke! Not your friends, your parents…not Lexa," her step-father said, ignoring the little girls question.
Lexa?
Suddenly, images of the beautiful brunette flashed through her mind. The vast green of her eyes, the chestnut curls that frames her face, the slight quirk of her lips in the tiniest of smiles.
"She doesn't want you. Who would? Just look at you!"
Blue eyes peered down at pale skin. Once smooth and unmarred was now covered in cuts, deep bruises…even her wrist was twisted at an awkward angle, filled with a pain that escaped her racing mind. Clarke barely registered the sting on her face that only signaled more bruises and possible a split lip, much too focused on trying to figure out how her wonderful dream had suddenly turned into a nightmare. The happy memories of her as a child, so careless and free, were now being invaded by the very monster that would live under her roof in a few years time.
Not even they were safe from him anymore.
Suddenly, all the pain came rushing into her at once when a large hand gripped the front of her shirt and jerked her forward. A whimper left her throat as the unregistered ache grew to a blinding pain and consumed her tiny body.
"You think you could escape me? That you could run and hide here? Well, you were wrong. I'm always here. Waiting for you to make a mistake. To mess up like you always do. You'll never get away from me, Clarke. No matter how hard you try…no matter who helps you," Anthony spat in her face.
And then the a looming shadow rose above her, blocking the sun and turning the world around her dark. The sky, now a black vast void, rolled with thunder. Her eyes faded, drifted to mimic the dark mass of the sky, the life draining from them as she watched the hand drop towards her in slow motion.
Right as his palm inevitably came into contact with her broken body the sky lit up with a strike of lightening forcing a scream from her mind at the numbing pain.
Clarke flailed awake. Her body drenched in sweat and her lungs burning with the need for oxygen. Tears streaked down her face as she struggled to settle her racing mind back into the world of the living. Once she thought she was finally calming down the sudden pressure of someone's hands clasping onto her shoulder's had her flailing again. Fear gripped her heart. Normally the hands that found her after waking up in a fit of screams were the ones that caused them in the first place.
But a silky voice brought her back. Pulled her from the crushing weight that settled itself on her chest and treated to take over her.
"Clarke! It's Lexa! Look at me! You're just having a nightmare!" Lexa said as she held the blonde's wrists down with a firm but gentle grip.
Ragged breathes tore from her chest,"Lexa?"
A light brush of fingertips against her tear stained cheek calmed her thumping heart,"Yeah, it's me. I'm here. Whatever you saw…it wasn't real, okay? It was just a nightmare. Everything's okay now."
Blue eyes fixated on green as the words drifted through her ears. Normally it would take almost an hour for her body to stop it's shaking and for the tears to stop falling, but Lexa was able to calm her in under five minutes. Lexa had done what no one had been able to do in years…well at least what Clarke wouldn't let someone do. The hand that had been holding her wrist had drifted down and taken hold of her hand and held onto it tightly, as if the brunette was afraid she would disappear. That hand anchored her, along with the one that was slowly brushing the remains of her tears away.
Lexa anchored her.
Kept her grounded and helped the fears and aches drift away. Fading into the distance like they never existed.
"Are you okay?" Lexa whispered, her thumb still tracing just below Clarke's eye.
Clarke nodded slowly as she lifted her free hand to meet Lexa's,"Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
The blonde pursed her lips,"Not yet. I just…I think I'd rather go back to sleep."
"Of course. I'll just be in the living room if you need me," Lexa commented before removing herself from the bed.
Clarke grimaced as she remembered the events of last night.
Not long after they finished off the pint of ice cream Lexa had moved them both to the couch to watch some documentary that had instantly made Clarke sleepy. She felt bad for it but she couldn't stop herself from yawning and almost falling into Lexa's shoulder trying to keep herself upright as she nodded off. The brunette had merely laughed it off and stated that documentaries weren't for everyone before shutting it off and helping the blonde to her room.
She had stood in the doorway and watched as Lexa moved towards her dresser and pulled out a worn university sweater and a pair of black yoga pants. She had sheepishly handed them to Clarke, cheeks slightly pink, and mumbled that she could change in the bathroom and even take a shower if she felt like it. Clarke was a little confused by the flush that covered Lexa's cheeks but it was quick to don on her when she saw the clothes Lexa had dressed her in the previous night sitting on the edge of her bed.
The last time she had worn Lexa's clothes the brunette had undressed her herself. Obviously Lexa was had been thinking about it when she gave her the clothes and that was what caused her blush…and now Clarke's. She had made a hasty retreat into the bathroom and stripped herself down, checking over her bandages as she went, before pulling on the borrowed clothing. She was much too exhausted to have even thought about getting in the shower. After having folded her dirty clothes and placing them on the bathroom counter, Clarke had made her way out.
She stopped by Lexa's bedroom, fully expecting to see her getting ready for bed, but was surprised to find it empty. Clarke had glanced down the hallway and noticed a soft light bouncing off the walls of the living room and guessed that Lexa was still in there. Upon reaching the room, she had seen Lexa fixing a sheet across the couch and fluffing a single pillow propped against the arm. As if having sensed her, Lexa had glanced up and given her a soft smile as their eyes met.
"My sweater suits you. Maybe you should keep it," Lexa had stated lazily before laying across the couch and pulling a blanket over her.
Clarke had eyed her, confused, as the brunette had made herself comfortable,"What are you doing?"
"Going to sleep. What does it look like?" The brunette had replied with an air of teasing.
"Why are you not sleeping in your bed?"
Lexa had sighed before standing from the couch and making her way over to Clarke. She had simply turned the woman around and patted her on the back to get her moving in the direction of her bedroom.
"Because you're sleeping there and I'm taking the couch. Simple as that."
"I can't! I already took it last night! It's your bed, Lexa!"
"And that gives me the right to let you sleep in it," Lexa had responded teasingly which had caused the blonde to pin her with the softest glare possible,"Look. It's either you sleep in my bed and I take the couch or you take the couch and I sleep on the floor. Which one would you rather?"
Clarke had let out the smallest huff before slipping into the bed with a small pout. Lexa had hovered at the side of the bed as the blonde made herself comfortable waiting until she stopped moving to speak.
"I'll be right in the living room. If you need me just shout."
Clarke had responded with a simple nod and watched as the brunette walked towards the door. She inhaled the sweet sent of Lexa that lingered on the sheets and smiled against them softly.
"Lexa!" Clarke had called out before she reached the door, causing her to turn around,"Thank you."
Lexa had only responded with a light smile and a single nod before removing herself from the room and padding back down the hallway. Clarke had cuddled down into the blankets, completely warm and feeling safe, before drifting off to sleep.
She couldn't let Lexa go back to the couch. She wasn't sure if it was the fact she felt bad for taking the woman's own bed…or the fact that Lexa sleeping next to her and completely filled her mind and made her feel protected.
"Wait!" Clarke shouted, grabbing Lexa's hand before she could even take three steps away from the bed,"Don't go…please."
Vast emerald eyes widened, pink lips parted with slight shock, the breath hitched in her lungs. Lexa's hand involuntarily shifted in Clarke's to lace their fingers together as she fully turned back to face her. Clarke's eyes pleaded with her…begged her to stay.
Just for tonight.
"Please. I-I don't think I'll be able to go back to sleep if I'm alone," Clarke stuttered.
"Are you sure?" The brunette whispered, earning a curt nod from Clarke,"I guess it's better than the couch."
Clarke's lips tipped up in a tiny smile. Leave it to this woman that made her feel safer in her bed than her own home to try and be funny at such a time. But she was grateful for it. Clarke was grateful that Lexa didn't try to push her to talk about it when she wasn't ready. She was grateful that she tried to add a little bit of humor into it and make her feel a little less awkward for asking her to stay and share the bed.
Grateful that she was here.
Clarke shuffled over to make room for Lexa before holding open the covers and patting the spot next to her. Lexa climbed in slowly, making sure not to get too close to Clarke in fear of crossing some invisible line, before settling against her pillow. The blonde, finally curled back under the warm covers, watched as Lexa settled down on her back. They stayed like that for what felt like hours. Lexa staring at the ceiling and Clarke gazing at her through thick lashes.
Clarke wanted so badly to be next to her. For Lexa to hold her. To be in her arms. And safe.
She nervously eyes the arm that laid next to her, it's owner leaving it limp and splayed out between them almost like an invitation.
And she couldn't hold it back anymore.
Clarke slowly moved towards Lexa, watching closely to make sure she wasn't making her uncomfortable. While Lexa continued to stare at the ceiling, either not noticing her moving closer or simply not caring, Clarke slipped into her side. She timidly ghosted a hand onto her abdomen and gripped the fabric of Lexa's shirt as she carefully laid her head on her shoulder.
Lexa didn't tense up. Didn't move. And Clarke was just about to move back to the other side of the bed before she felt the arm under her pull her closer. A strangled, relief-filled sigh left Clarke's lips as Lexa pulled her tight against her, arm wrapping behind her and slender fingers finding their way into blonde curls. Blue eyes drifted shut as a delicate nose nuzzled into the crown of her head, a pair of lips following in it's wake.
"You're safe now, Clarke," Lexa whispered into her hair,"Get some sleep. No one's going to hurt you tonight. Not while I'm here."
And she did. Fell into the peaceful sleep her body and mind had yearned for, for years. Her body felt heavier than ever. Her bones no longer tensed up in underlying fear of the fists that would sometimes wake her up in the mornings. Her mind no longer haunted by brown eyes and dark harsh words.
No longer in pain.
Free to be at peace.
Morning came much too fast for Clarke. The rays of the rising sun slipping past the curtains to dance across her face spurred a low groan from her throat. What in reality was probably at least five hours of sleep only felt like thirty seconds to her unconscious mind. She wanted nothing more than to pull the covers over her face and sink back into the warm body under her.
Wait.
Clarke's hand trailed over Lexa's tank top covered ribs in astonishment. She had thought it was a dream…just her mind trying to comfort itself from the happy memory turned nightmare. But it had really happened. Lexa was here. In bed with her. Letting Clarke use her as a human pillow. And as she shifted a bit to get a better look at the brunette's sleeping face Clarke felt Lexa's hand on her hip, thumb slipping under her sweater and grazing soft skin. Heart beating wildly, and not in fear, Clarke removed herself from the bed as quickly and quietly as possible.
Thankfully she was able to move from the bed without waking Lexa…or at least she thought. Her body froze mid step towards the door when she heard the woman groan softly and shift her body towards where she had laid just moments ago. Clarke watched as Lexa's hands reached out in front of her before finding purchase on the pillow that she had laid on the night before and pulling it close. She couldn't stop the quirk of her lips as the brunette cuddle the pillow close and inhaled deeply, almost as if it was her scent that she was trying to get a hint of.
Shaking her head, still a little groggy, Clarke padded from the room and towards the kitchen. She figured since Lexa had let her stay, not only in her apartment but her bed as well, and cooked her dinner that the least she could do was make the brunette breakfast. And it was normally what she did as soon as she woke up anyway. Anthony liked his breakfast hot and ready as soon as he woke up or otherwise Clarke would face another 'lesson'.
Flipping the light switch and illuminating the kitchen Clarke walked to the refrigerator to search for the ingredients to make the perfect breakfast. She was a little surprised at how well stocked it was for a college student but she wasn't going to complain, not when she saw everything she needed to make her favorite. Pancakes. Smiling softly, something she rarely did during making breakfast, she grabbed all the necessary ingredients and setting them on the counter before setting them on the counter and searching around the cabinets for a bowl and frying pan.
Once everything was set out Clarke began the all too familiar process of making pancakes all the while humming the softest tune. She swayed a bit as she poured the batter into the frying pan, never hearing the other occupant of the apartment make their way into the kitchen and leaning against the kitchen's entrance. As the pancakes cooked Clarke grabbed a glass that she had pulled down earlier and poured herself a glass of orange juice from the jug in the fridge. She continued to hum, only momentarily stopping to take a quick sip, as she turned around towards the island.
Clarke let out a startled gasp at the sight of Lexa, the glass in her hand slipping from her grip and shattering along the floor. Her heart seized at the sound, flashes of the last time she had broken a dish at home dancing behind her eyes.
"Oh my- I'm sorry. I'll clean it up!" Clarke said hastily as she tried to move around the glass.
"Don't!" Lexa shouted, holding a hand up to still the blonde's movements,"You'll get glass in your feet. Give me two seconds. Don't move."
Clarke stayed frozen in her spot as Lexa disappeared back down the hallway. Her eyes dropped down to the floor around her. The orange juice laid in a puddle around her feet, shards of glass floating around in it. The bottom of the white cabinets were speckled with drops of orange juice making Clarke wince at the sight. Normally if something like this happened at home she would already find herself laying in the cold juice and glass, holding whatever body part Anthony had decided to wreak havoc on that day.
"Okay, just stay still. I'm gonna get you away from the glass," Lexa said as she reappeared in the kitchen.
Clarke fought the tiniest urge to roll her eyes. Obviously she had nowhere to go. Not unless she didn't want to get glass in her feet.
Lexa made her way over to her and as she stepped into the puddle surrounding her did Clarke finally notice the hard soled slippers on her feet. She wasn't sure what Lexa was going to do exactly so she just waited patiently for the brunette's next instructions.
Lexa came up beside her and leaned down a bit before placing an arm behind her knees,"Put your arms around my neck."
The blonde's eyes widened as she realized that Lexa was going to carry her from the mess. Instead of refusing like she normally would Clarke simply slipped her arms around Lexa's neck and gasped as she effortlessly lifted her into her arms. She wasn't too surprised by the strength that the taller woman possessed, figuring that it had been her that carried her all the way back to her apartment after her panic attack. What she wasn't prepared for though was for Lexa to place her down gently on the kitchen counter right beside where they were currently standing.
"What are you doing?" Clarke asked, confused.
"Getting you away from the glass. What does it look like?" Lexa laughed.
Clarke's eyebrows furrowed as she looked at the glass littering the floor below her dangling feet,"I can't clean my mess from here. I need you to take me away from the glass so I can get some shoes and clean it."
"No," Lexa said as she walked towards where she kept her broom.
"No?"
"No," The brunette repeated,"I put you there for a reason. So you can't get down and I can clean the glass."
"But-," Clarke began only to be shushed by Lexa.
"I scared you. I made you drop the glass. So, I'll clean it up. Besides, while your sitting there you might want to move those pancakes," Lexa said as she nodded towards the stove.
Clarke gasped as she realized the pancakes were still sizzling away in the frying pan. She quickly grabbed the spatula next to her and flipped them over, only to groan at the charred pancakes. After removing the pan from the fire and turning it off, Clarke slumped against the counter and hung her head. She waited silently, only the sound of Lexa brushing shards of glass into the dust pan filling the kitchen.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, Lexa had dumped the destroyed glass into the garbage and tucked the broom and dust pan back into the kitchen closet. Clarke's head still hung low, her blonde hair a thick curtain around her pale cheeks. She didn't even move as a warm hand found it's way under her chin and forced her to look up into green eyes.
"It's okay, Clarke. I'm not mad. You didn't mean to do it," Lexa whispered.
Clarke searched Lexa's face for any hint of deceit…and when she realized what she was looking for, her eyes widened. Lexa would never do what Anthony did. She hasn't known her for long but there was something there that just told her that Lexa would never raise a hand to her. And Clarke felt physically sick for letting her mind think that she may possibly hurt her.
She didn't know why but Clarke knew that she could trust Lexa with her life.
"What about breakfast?" Clarke asked timidly,"I burned the pancakes."
Lexa chuckled lightly,"That's okay. We can have something else. I'm sure there's something we can whip up fast enough so we can get you out of here in time to run home and get ready for your classes."
Lexa's soft laughter caused Clarke's heart to flutter. The sound echoed around her, filling her ears and putting her at ease. Never, since Anthony's arrival, did Clarke ever hear a laugh after not only breaking a glass but also burning breakfast. And there, in the back of her mind, was something waiting for her stepfather to rush into the kitchen, fist raised and vulgar words spewing from his mouth…but it never came.
Clarke wasn't used to this kind of reaction but she couldn't say that she didn't like it. Her body wasn't tensed and waiting for the incoming fist. Instead, it was relaxed into the hand that was now cupping her cheek. Her body leaned forward, seeking the heat that seeped from Lexa's body. And Clarke felt herself falling. Falling into the thought that this was what it felt like to be cared for. For someone to…love her instead of despising the very breath she breathed.
Lexa did that for her.
And it scared her.
Clarke fought the tears off before they could well up in her eyes and cause Lexa to notice. She finally picked a side of the battle that had raged in her head yesterday. She couldn't let Lexa get hurt because of her. No matter how bad she wanted to stay in the brunette's arms, no matter how safe she made her feel…she wouldn't allow her to fall under Anthony's radar and become his next target in his sick game. Clarke wouldn't allow it.
But, she would allow herself the rest of today. The rest of the day to let the feeling that Lexa made her feel sink into her bones before she had to let it go. She knew it would hurt the brunette but it would save her from more pain than imaginable in the long run.
She didn't want to…she needed to.
Her heart hurt. Lexa had told her how she felt about her and she had to fight harder to keep the tears at bay at the thought of how devastating it would be when Clarke told her she couldn't see her anymore.
But she had to.
To keep her safe.
Even if it broke both of their hearts in the process.
