A/N: Yes, I really am sick right now, at the beginning of the writing of this chapter. There's a cold going around my school, and I caught it. My throat hurts, my head hurts, my nose hurts, and I feel like I'm about to collapse.

Just so you know and I avoid causing confusion, I'm happy about the 599 revelations. Well… not so much happy as intrigued, but you get my drift. I'm not angry about it, and I'm a mite bit giddy at what I can do with this information and what'll come out soon, too. I'm neither enraged nor elated, but my minions are a different story…

PS – I really do adore clipboards. They're awesome.

o.o.o.o.o

"He decided to take over the world because he got friend-zoned!" Chimera was laughing his head off. "Kill the Hypotenuse? Revenge Before Reason? Disproportionate Retribution? Why not use them all? Let's have a party! Holy s***, that's the funniest thing I've heard in a while."

"I'm fairly certain that the story behind his instance of Jumping Off the Slippery Slope is a bit more complicated than that." Agent Goldstone quipped. Then she smirked. "Of course, what I'm waiting for is news on Black Zetsu. I'd like to believe that he is the true villain, if only for the twist."

"Knowing Kishi…" Agent Chimera grinned. "We've already gone from Orochimaru, to Pain, to Tobi, to Tobi and Kabuto, and now Orochimaru's alive again… I really want it to be Zetsu too, though."

"I just want to kill the jacka** that's messed up all my schematics." Moonstone growled. "Kamui is not a toy for him to use on a whim. Time-space is fragile enough in the Ninja Dimension already; we're just lucky it goes to a blank dimension instead of one of the planes."

"And he's been messing with the dead-realms. The dead-realms." Nightingale hissed. He and Moonstone had been suffering the worst from the recent revelations. "That info has ruined so many things that I'll be playing catch-up on paperwork for weeks. The least we should be allowed to do is rough him up a little."

"I don't care." Phoenix said, folding her arms. "Obito or not, you're not going to go beat up Tobi. Not yet, anyway."

"But why?" Diamond whined, pouting.

"You," Phoenix pointed at her, "Are not allowed at Jade's place until things are completely stabilized in the Ninja Dimension with the Juubi fiasco, which is a job that belongs to you and Moonstone in conjunction with the three gods there. Finish up, and we'll talk about it."

"As for the rest of you," She gestured to Nightingale, Opal, Moonstone, Emerald, Silk, and Ruby one by one. "We're not doing anything, anything, until Kishimoto gives out some more info. Until Kishimoto explains what happened in full detail, we will withhold judgment."

A couple of glares were sent her way, but they all followed orders, not that they had much of a choice anyways. Phoenix dismissed them, and they all headed out.

"Nightingale, Chimera, and Goldstone. I'd like for you three to stay behind." Phoenix called as her agents filed out of what functioned as a meeting room, suitable to an Omniscient Council of Vagueness. I mean, not that that's what they were or anything…

"What?" Nightingale was rather irritated, and so he snapped. Oh well, that's too bad for him. It's a pity, really. He's such a nice boy, normally.

"I'm thinking three more chapters to the next batch, and two more after that for the incident. It's subject to change, of course, but that's my plan for now. We're letting five of the Akatsuki cure up in this one, probably."

"Why tell us this?" Goldstone questioned, one eye flashing and the other twitching.

Phoenix shrugged. "It's half of what this story is about. An author changes their minds all the time. The way this story is set up allows for us to show the readers just how my mind works in deciding the course of the story. Plus, I kind of figured that you might want a heads up about bringing in the next batch."

Chimera shrugged. "You're not getting any complaints from me. I like playing around with people's bodily compositions."

"You sound like Orochimaru. Feeling a little perverted yet?" Nightingale teased, smirk on his face.

Chimera turned green. No, really, like the Hulk or something. "Urgh, that's disgusting, dude."

Phoenix giggled, the sound having a surprisingly malicious and frightening air in the dark room. "And that's why we'll never introduce Orochimaru to either Kurotsuchi Mayuri or Szayel Aporro Granz. Alright, just be ready."

"Yes, ma'am." They fired off sarcastic salutes, and filed out.

Phoenix sneezed.

I hate being sick.

o.o.o.o.o

Jade glanced outside the window on Tuesday afternoon. "That's a pretty powerful storm."

Hidan hopped over to the keyboard.

'Phoenix is sick.'

Jade blinked, and then looked outside again. "Well, I guess that explains some things. I hope it doesn't cause a flash flood. Though if she's sick, it'll probably last a few more days anyway, and I might not have school even if there's no flooding. Maybe it'll even snow."

She took her bag off her shoulder and set it on the ground, pulling out a textbook and some loose-leaf paper. Pulling up YouTube on the computer TV, she began on the first song on her playlist…

And blinked in surprise as two kittens spontaneously became human in a puff of smoke during the sixth song. She quickly spun away before the smoke disappeared, saying quite loudly, "Bathroom, towels, now."

There was no question of who had been changed, not with this song, and not with the flashes of color she'd caught at head level.

She heard footsteps as they followed her instructions—probably more out of a sense of decency than any respect for her—and went to get the boxes of clothes that she knew would be on the front step.

"I've got clothes." She called out as she pulled the two boxes in, turning. She looked at Nagato and Yahiko, standing there with just towels around their waists. Yahiko was biting his lip and trying not to laugh, while Nagato looked irritated.

"Here." Jade handed them the boxes, and walked back to her computer, humming along to the song softly with an amused smirk on her face.

"Pain, without love,
Pain, I can't get enough,
Pain, I like it rough,
'Cause I'd rather feel Pain than nothing at a~a~all."

o.o.o.o.o

Jade ignored them for the most part, working on some integrals—nasty things, those. They'll eat your nose off, if you aren't careful—as they sat on her couch, playing with Konan.

At first, Yahiko had tossed her up and down a bit and pretended to make her fly. Nagato had then taken her, scolded Yahiko, sat down on the couch, and pet her as she lay in his lap. Yahiko smirked at the two, especially once Konan began to purr only a few seconds in. Around five in the afternoon, he sat on the floor with the other kittens, playing around with them one by one. He seemed to find particular enjoyment in playing with Tobi and Deidara, and eventually began brushing Deidara, claiming that the long fur was getting tangled, which it unfortunately was, as Jade was none too diligent about brushing the cats after Kisame had switched back, delegating the duty to him without his understanding.

Jade found it easy to ignore the two since she didn't understand a word of what they were saying, since it was all in Japanese.

"Ne, Nagato, come down here." Yahiko patted the ground next to him. "It's relaxing."

Nagato rolled his eyes. "Excuse me for sitting on a couch like an adult as opposed to on the floor like a child or remarkably lazy teenager."

"Konan…" Yahiko said in a sing-song manner. "Please, can you get Nagato down here with me?"

Nagato glanced down into his lap to see Konan giving him a kitten's version of the puppy-dog eyes.

"…Fine." He muttered, sitting down on the floor. Konan made a small sound that he equated to laughter.

Yahiko smirked at them, plan forming in his head. He inched over…

"Whatever it is that you're planning, the answer is no." Nagato quickly and emotionlessly denied his best friend's plans.

Yahiko stared for a few seconds, and then quickly stole Konan, pushed Nagato onto his back so that he was lying flat on the floor, and put Konan on his chest. The whole process took less than half a second.

Jade was looking at them now, waiting for whatever was going on to either finish up or show enough signs of continuing that she'd personally have to ask them to quiet down so that she could work.

She kind of wanted a camera on hand right now though. The scene she was looking at was quite cute, though it was a pity that she couldn't understand what they were saying.

"Yahiko…" Nagato groaned in defeat. "Why did you do that?"

"Because you two currently look absolutely adorable." Yahiko answered promptly. "I want a picture of this."

Nagato rolled his eyes, but all he did was cross his legs and start petting Konan, who seemed to find the entire situation quite amusing.

"Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up." Nagato groused, smile still on his face.

*FLASH*

A camera was being held in the hands of girl that was sitting on the back of Jade's couch, the look on her face innocently blank.

"Another Agent, I presume." Jade said quietly. "What are you?"

"What?" The girl questioned, tilting her head to the side. Her hair was dark brown and in a rather sleek cut somewhat similar to that of Tendo Nabiki. There was a deep blue stripe on the middle of the right side. A choker with a dark blue gem adorned her neck. "Do you not mean who?"

Jade raised an eyebrow. "I meant to ask what element or similar 'base,' as they so eloquently put it, you embodied."

The girl smiled. "I am Agent Sapphire, and my base is water. I won't tell you my spread."

"I suppose that's the best I'll get." Jade gestured to the camera. "Should I make any assumptions as to the purpose of your presence, or will you tell me yourself?"

Sapphire dipped her head slightly. "You, Yahiko, and Phoenix all expressed interest in acquiring photos of the current scenario. I was sent to take the picture, as opposed to one of my currently rather homicidal coworkers."

Jade blinked. "Homicidal?"

"Approximately half the agents are currently feeling homicidal urges in concerns to Tobi. Chapter 599 confirmed the final third of the ToMaTo theory." Sapphire explained.

Jade took a few seconds to figure it out, but then smirked humorlessly. "So it really was him. Wonder how he survived the rocks."

"Yes… Well, I should be getting back promptly." Sapphire pulled out a small device and pressed several buttons, forming a portal that, if you looked closely enough, had a far-away door that had the words 'Fourth Wall Door' written on it in large gold font.

Sapphire glanced back before she headed out, and looked straight at Tobi, saying a rather simple phrase in Japanese:

"Either tell them nothing, or burn."

o.o.o.o.o

Back at the base, Phoenix stared at her subordinate in mild disapproval. "That was a little harsh and melodramatic. It could also be rather easily misinterpreted."

"It was dramatic." Sapphire countered. "And sure to amuse the readers."

Phoenix nodded. "True. And I suppose that I am the one that wrote it…"

"That, my lovely boss, is why we all find it rather annoying when you disapprove of our actions." Goldstone pointed out from the corner, tapping a pencil on her clipboard.

Clipboards are awesome. They are even more awesome than potato chips and Ominous Latin Chanting. Do not question the coolness factor of a clipboard.

"But you do weird stuff in my head without permission, so I have to disapprove of it sometimes." Phoenix pouted, pretending to be put out.

"At least we don't have s-"

"Shut up." Phoenix's face was stony. "You don't do it now, and you shan't in the future. Don't even try to put that thought into my head again. I can't imagine you doing anything of the sort, and I do not wish to. Cease your rambling."

Goldstone stared at her with half-lidded eyes, and then let loose a small bark of laughter. "You've gone into that mode again, Phoenix-sama. You're going to start using Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness soon if you're not careful. You do it plenty enough times in the reviews that you write."

"Hush." Phoenix admonished, and then turned back to the screens. "The most amusing of circumstances shall soon arise."

Goldstone rolled her eyes at the malicious smirk that crossed her boss's face. "Yes, yes. Let's watch."

Sapphire simply sat in the corner with a bar of white chocolate, enjoying the show with the smallest of smiles on her face, near emotionless.

o.o.o.o.o

Five-thirty rolled around, and Nagato was still lying on the floor with Konan on his chest. This proved to be rather problematic several seconds into the 23rd song on Jade's playlist.

Which promptly caused Konan to return to human form.

Naked.

On top of Nagato.

More or less straddling him.

Well…

Awkward…

Jade stared for a few seconds, and silence reigned throughout the house. Nagato and Konan's faces steadily turned redder as they stared at each other. Nagato studiously kept his eyes trained on Konan's face and not going any lower to the rather large mounds pressing into his chest.

The silence was broken as Yahiko began to laugh, which soon turned to loud guffaws, most of the kittens following along with small snickers of their own. Jade simply bit her lip to keep from laughing herself. Konan finally gathered her wits about her enough to leave with a puff of smoke as the only remainder, and Nagato…

Still wasn't moving.

"I'll… go help Konan." Jade stood and walked out, going straight to the front door and getting the box that she knew would be there. There was a note on top.

Sorry. We couldn't resist.

-PC*

Jade rolled her eyes and picked up the box. When she got upstairs, she found Konan wrapped in a towel in the middle of her room, face still flushed in embarrassment.

"Was that shunshin?" Jade asked, hoping to distract Konan from the current situation.

"Ano… yes." Konan nodded, flush receding slightly.

Jade knelt down to open the box, but blinked in surprise as it flew open. She glanced up at Konan, who simply shrugged slightly, hand still lifted up.

"Right. Paper angel, cardboard is paper based, etc." Jade muttered wryly, smirking slightly. She shrugged and stood back up with the box, holding it out to the blue-haired woman. "You can get this yourself."

Konan took the box, still not understanding the song that played out behind her when Jade walked away.

"I'm so lonely,
Broken Angel;
I'm so lonely,
Listen to my heart.
"

Jade tilted her head slightly as she walked away. "Rather sad, but… quite fitting, really."

o.o.o.o.o

When Konan came back down and sat next to Nagato, she immediately set to pointedly ignoring Yahiko's looks and sniggers, and pointedly not looking Nagato in the eye.

"Please keep quiet from now on. As deliciously awkward as the situation is, please don't start teasing each other again."

After a couple of seconds, Jade sighed and brought a hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose. "How many of you actually understood everything I said?"

Hidan meowed. No one else did.

"That's… okay, let me put it this way. I find this funny. The thing with Konan and Nagato just now? Very funny. As much as I'd enjoy hearing you make fun of each other, I need to work."

Hidan made a few muffled sounds and a few others put in a few comments as well. Nagato whispered some things to Yahiko and Konan, knowing the language best out of the three; he did shoot Jade a dirty look in the middle, but as there was no chakra or killing intent behind it, she wasn't particularly affected by it.

Yahiko kept snickering.

Jade pointed to the sink. "You want me to turn you into a kitten again?"

He stopped laughing, but the smirk stayed on his face.

"Good."

o.o.o.o.o

Three hours later, two more switched back.

Jade, understandably, was quick to cover her eyes again. That was really a bit of a problem, because it caused some blood to drip into her left eye.

"S***!" She cursed. "Of all the things, of all the times, of all—"

Hidan and Zetsu simply left the room to get towels the same way Nagato and Yahiko had. Hidan popped his head back into the room, smirk on his face.

"Oh, Jade?"

She looked over at him, eyes ready to snap shut should something dislikable show itself.

"Your blood is good."

She flipped him off with the very finger that had seconds earlier wept the blood that let him change back upon consumption.

He laughed.

o.o.o.o.o

Phoenix giggled. "Oh my, guess what that means!"

Goldstone rolled her eyes. "Deidara is next. But not in this chapter."

Phoenix nodded with a grin on her face. "Exactly. And he's got one of the weirdest cures possible!"

Chimera glanced up from the screens in front of him. "Are we plastic bagging him?"

Making a face, Phoenix answered in a tone of voice that indicated just what she thought of her subordinate's intellect at this time. "Of course. I mean, ew! Doing it without would just be…"

"Gross?" Chimera offered.

"Exactly."

o.o.o.o.o

Jade grit her teeth as she put antibacterial ointment on the cut on her finger. She really should have been more careful as she'd cut the stupid cabbage, but she hadn't, and look where that got her.

"Can have some more?"

Jade turned to look at Hidan, standing shirtless against the doorframe, Zetsu behind him in his Akatsuki cloak.

Zetsu quickly went over to the kittens, sat on the floor, picked up Tobi, and placed the odd kitten into his lap. Then he started petting, and Tobi started purring.

Jade gave Hidan an unimpressed look. "No. You got enough of a taste of blood to fix yourself—"

Fix himself? Self-castration? Neutering?

"Neutering?" He asked, smirk on his face.

Jade stared at him and then thought on what she'd said and made a small groan of aggravation. "Yes, Hidan, I'm going to take you all to the vet to get you fixed."

She sighed and sort of laughed. "The sad part is that I actually wondered about whether I'd need to get that done before I remembered that I'd been planning on selling you guys to breeders."

Hidan snorted at that.

"Anyways, no blood for you. And, put on a shirt."

Hidan glared at her. "No."

"Hidan. Put. On. A. Shirt."

"I want not to."

Jade winced at the poor grammar. Well, at least it's better than what Kisame could say.

"Hidan. Shatsuwokiru. Imasugu. Sō shinai baai, ore wa bappon-tekina taisaku o toru koto o yoginaku sa remasu." Nagato called, looking straight at him.

Hidan tried to take him in a small staring contest, but eventually left to put a shirt on, cursing fluently all the way. We really do mean fluently, you see. He could curse much better than he could speak normal English.

Jade blinked in surprise. "Okay, first of all: thank you, Nagato. Second of all: where the h*** did he learn all of that? I know I didn't teach him."

"Jashin-sama and Agent Diamond." Hidan was already back, wearing a standard black shinobi shirt with a little too much mesh and a little too little cloth. Jade jumped a little in shock, and then closed her eyes in annoyance and raised a hand as if to forestall any arguments.

"Third of all: you shinobi are all too fast. I'm going to sleep. You guys get to spend the rest of the night as humans if you want, but you don't get to eat any of my food, and you better be kittens again by the time I get up to go to school." Jade walked off, muttering slightly under her breath in annoyance. Seriously, who moved that quickly?

Nagato raised an eyebrow at Hidan and asked the question on everyone's minds after his last comment.

"How long have you been in contact with those two, then?"

Hidan grinned. "Years. Let's just say that I know a s***-ton more about how our f***ing dimension works than any of you do, and I have for a really f***ing long time."

Nagato blinked. Oh. Well…

"That would have been nice to know before." Konan said, frowning slightly.

"Would you have believed a f***ing word I said?" Hidan asked.

No. No they would not have.

"Why Diamond?" Yahiko asked, lounging back on the sofa with his feet on an ottoman.

Hidan smirked. "That's 'cause she's drinking buddies with Jashin-sama."

Ghostly laughter echoed through the room, showing them just what the corporation thought of them and their stunned silence.

o.o.o.o.o

The next morning, Jade was staring outside the window at her neighbor's yard, listening to the TV as it told her that the schools in her district had the day off because of the unprecedented snow. Across the street, a tree in her neighbor's yard had been cleaved right in half by the weight of the cold white fluff.

"Let me guess, empathic environment for some random event in the authoress' life again?" Jade asked, assuming that one of the agents of the Phoenix Corporation would show up and tell her what was going on.

"Precisely."

Jade turned around to see a boy, possibly a man, who was standing several feet behind her in a semi-respectful position. His hair was brown and bushy, pulled down into a low ponytail, and had a grey stripe running through it on the left side. His face was blank of emotion, and he had a pair of black glasses that seemed to hide his eyes in what we may call traditional manga style, and TvTropes would call Scary Shiny Glasses and Stoic Spectacles.

He held out a hand. "I am Agent Quartz of the Phoenix Corporation. My base is air and all gasses incorporated into it. I am quite pleased to meet you."

Jade raised an eyebrow, but shook his hand anyways. "I'll just assume that you already know who I am and that you're not one of the homicidal ones that I was warned about."

"That would be accurate." Quartz nodded.

"So what broke my neighbor's tree?" Jade asked, gesturing out the window. "And thus, the snow as well, of course."

"Lady Phoenix gagged and nearly choked on a rather small chicken bone during lunch." Quartz answered, not changing expression in the slightest.

Jade stared at him for a few seconds, and then threw her head back and laughed. Several of the kittens joined in.

o.o.o.o.o

"Well, I don't think it's funny." Phoenix huffed and leaned back in her chair.

"Give it up, boss." Chimera rolled his eyes. "You think it's hilarious."

"Well, yeah." Phoenix complained, "But it's painful! It hurt when it happened, and now the scratches are making my throat feel even worse than before! It already hurt enough 'cause of the stupid cold!"

"Hypocrite."

"Need I remind you of the ostriches on the train?"

"Oh, come on! That was so not my fault!"

o.o.o.o.o

"Are you serious?" Jade asked, actually wiping tears from her eyes. "The chick that's been messing with our lives actually did that?"

Quartz reached up and adjusted his glasses. "Be glad, at the least, that it was not a pretzel."

The kittens had no idea what was going on at this point. Jade took a few seconds to get it, and then snickered for about half a second.

"You know, I didn't take you as the type to make jokes."

"You did not take me at all." Quartz replied. His facial expression still hadn't changed. His tone had changed a little, but it wasn't much at all.

"You're making me think of Ulquiorra." Jade mentioned flippantly, walking around the island in her kitchen to get to the popcorn so that she could spend this surprising off-day relaxing.

"You are not the first to inform me of that fact. As it is, I am afraid that I must be going. We intend to post the chapter earlier than normal this week, as the progress of the chapter would be… augmented if we were to wait for the posting of chapter 600. Good day, and good bye."

He seemed to simply vanish, siphoned into a portal that had appeared. Jade stared for a few seconds before walking off, shaking her head with a sardonic and rather amused smile on her face.

"I'm going to go completely crazy soon, aren't I?"

o.o.o.o.o

PC: Before their ascension to become Agents, the smartest member was, surprisingly, Diamond. These days, she's still one of the smartest members, but she prefers acting like a ditz because it's fun.

A/N: Read it and weep. Or, preferably, review instead of weep. As with all my stories, the fiftieth reviewer will get the omake of their choice, within reason of course.

And the chicken bone thing really did happen. It hurt. A lot.

The Japanese that Nagato says translates to:
"Hidan. Put on a shirt. Now. If you do not, I will be forced to take drastic measures."

The songs are:

Pain, by Three Days Grace (I chose this because I find it kind of funny)

And

Broken Angel, by ARASH, Feat. Helena (I chose this because I find it kind of sad)

I'd suggest looking up the Broken Angel AMV by loosecontroi. It's quite good.

Ja ne!