February 14, 1993

Dear friend,

It is now Valentine's Day, and I am with Sam. Right now, she is asleep, and I am sat at her desk, writing you this letter. I have a lot to tell you, as so much happened. If I don't think about those years before I met Sam and Patrick, this has been the best, and the worst, day of my life.

When I decided to write to you today, it took me a while to decide which news to go with first, the good news, or the bad news. I think I'll start with the good news so that I don't get too angry when I'm telling you the bad news. So, I'm going to start with the good news.

The good news is: my family and I, except my sister, have come to see people at Penn State. You know this already, as I told you in my last letter. My Dad, Mom and I are staying in this local motel for a few days, as my Mom doesn't want to leave just yet. She says it's because she enjoys the town, but I think it's because she likes being near my brother. She isn't good with letting go sometimes. I even think she's planning a trip to see my sister.

Anyway, we all got here fine. There was a crash on the highway though, but it was on the other side so it didn't affect us, although I was sad for the people it did. When I told my parents they told me not to worry about it, and that the police would sort it out. But I couldn't stop thinking that was what people said about my Aunt Helen when they drove past her crashed car.

When we got to the motel, my Mom and Dad didn't want to go and see my brother straight away, and told me they were tired. I went to see Sam without them.

'Hey, Charlie,' said Sam happily as I walked up to where we had agreed to meet.

It was the Ye Olde College Diner, and Sam had got up from where she was sat, and hugged me. She even kissed me! It was great.

'How've you been?' she asked me as we sat down opposite each other, and I thought her voice was a bit forced. At the time, I had no idea why, but I'll get to that later.

'Good,' I told her. 'I'm glad you liked that picture I did of you. I tried really hard.' Sam laughed, and it was that amazing laugh that just made me smile and forgot how her voice sounded.

'Well, I really liked it, Charlie,' Sam told me, and she put her hand in mine where they met in the middle of the table. When the waitress came over, we ordered two grilled stickies.

'How's school been going? Nobody is saying anything to you, are they?' asked Sam. And when she asked, it was serious. She leant in closer to me, and her voice was even lower, and I could smell her perfume.

I shook my head.

'No, nobody is saying anything to me. Just ruining my picture of you,' I said to her, and smiled because in the end I felt sorry for them. But Sam didn't look pleased for me.

'Nobody at all is talking to you? Do you- Charlie, do you have any friends?'

Her voice was even lower, and it was almost a whisper, as if the subject of friends was a sensitive one. I guess it is, though.

'I- I don't think so,' I replied, and I felt my hand gripping hers tighter. Sam's face changed, and she looked sad.

'Have you tried making any?'

'Not really. I don't think any friends I make will be better than you or Patrick or Mary Elizabeth. I suppose I'm still friends with Bob, but I don't see him much now,' I said, and Sam looked kind of pleased that I wasn't spending time with Bob.

'The last time I saw Bob, he was taking that girl from the Olive Garden into his house, so he said I couldn't come in. I understand though. I wouldn't want to have anybody else around if you were coming into my house,' I finished, and Sam was smiling at me.

'You're cute,' she said. 'But why wouldn't you want anyone else there if I was coming?' Sam smirked at me.

It was weird, because I hadn't really ever had anyone smirk at me before. I could tell she was thinking about sex, just from that smirk though, so I decided not to ruin the moment by speaking. I just smiled slightly and shook my head, embarrassed.

'See? Innocent, that's why my parents love you,' said Sam, as our grilled stickies arrived. They really were sticky, and Sam even moved to sit next to me, and when I couldn't eat anymore, she shoved it into my mouth anyway.

When we were finished, Sam said she was going to use the bathroom before we left. I sat at our table, and pulled a mixtape out of my pocket. Looking at it for a moment, I slipped it into her bag that was now sat in her place. I thought Sam had been gone for a while, but then again, girls seem to take a long time when they use the bathroom. I don't know why.

As Sam came back, she looked a little red, and was chewing gum.

'Let's go,' she said, picking up her bag, and putting it over her shoulder so it hung near her hip.

'Doesn't that get annoying?' I asked, as I walked beside Sam, the bag between us.

'Only when it bumps into you,' she answered with a grin, and grabbed my arm, pulling me onto her other side. Then, she linked her arm with mine. I'd never walked with a girl like this before, and it made me feel good, and not alone.

People wouldn't watch me like they sometimes did when I go out on my own, as I was with somebody. And I was so happy that somebody was Sam, because she really didn't deserve to be a nobody.

We took a walk around the campus, and then Sam's hands got cold so we went back inside, to her dorm room. Her roommate, Katie, wasn't there.

'She's out with her boyfriend,' said Sam, as she let her bag slip off her shoulder, and land on her bed.

'I got you something,' said Sam, turning around, and for the second time in my life, I found that she was leaning against her desk, which had a present for me resting on it.

'I didn't get you anything,' I said to her, and I felt so stupid. I wanted to cry, and tears were there, in my eyes. All I'd done was make her a mixtape, and that wasn't special because I'd already made her one before, and given her music and books, and it is Valentine's Day and I didn't even get Sam a rose.

'Charlie,' she said, and came over to me, taking my hands and bringing them to my chest. Pressing my hands over my heart, her own warm on mine, she spoke something which is really important to me. 'You gave me yourself.'

I fought the tears, and looked down at her beautiful face, and nodded.

'Yeah, I guess so,' I said, and then her hands left mine, and one was on my cheek, the other on the back of my neck. Her lips where on mine, and it was like my first kiss; our first kiss again. But this time it was better, because we are together, and I know I love her, and Sam loves me.

It's pretty corny to have sex for the first time on Valentine's Day, right? But I guess it doesn't matter how corny it is, just that it happened. I don't want to go into too many details about it, but I'll just say: it's an amazing thing when you're with somebody you truly love, and you can just be together in that way. And Sam enjoyed it, which made me a lot happier.

But now I have to give you the bad news.

Sam had been keeping it inside the whole day. Remember how my sister told me that Sam had a reputation for being a 'blow queen'? And how the seniors would get her drunk at parties? Well it happened again.

And when Sam was telling me and crying on my chest, it made me so mad. I wanted to hurt those guys that did that to her. We've both had it bad, and it makes me wish sex wasn't even a thing. I want to hurt them.

Sam won't tell me who did it, partly because I don't think she really remembers, but mostly I think it's because she's worried I'll go and find them.

'You can tell me, Sam. I won't do anything if you don't want me to,' I told her, my hand rubbing her bare back.

'No,' she shook her head against my body.

'At least tell the police then?' I said to her. 'Just look what is happening to Dave. Remember Dave? He's been arrested and they're putting him in jail, Sam.

Sam still wouldn't tell me though, so I told her she should get some sleep. And she did. I helped her put some clothes back on, and she made me promise to stay with her. I told her I'd have to call my parents, and I did.

That's why I'm writing this at her desk, with her present. It's a rather classy pen. I hope you can tell from this letter. But as I finish this letter, I am sad.

Because I know that Sam is purging again, and her bulimia isn't just a joke anymore.

Love always,

Charlie.


A/N: If you have been affected by any of the issues in this story then please call somebody, or report it.

UK Rape Crisis Hotline: 0808 802 9999 | 12 noon - 2:30pm. 7pm - 9:30pm.

USA Rape, Abuse and Incest Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

UK B-eat helpline for eating disorders: Over 18: 0845 634 1414 | Under 25: 0845 634 7650 | Text for Under 25: 07786 20 18 20

USA Eating Disorder Referral and Information Centre: 1-858-481-1515