Alex's POV
"Please, no!"
He's above me now, straddling me. He laughs, and a lightning bolt shoots across the sky in rhythm to his laugh. Like that's what caused it.
"Please!" I'm crying now, my face a mess of wetness and shame. Normally I'd be appalled to cry and beg in this manner, but right now I'm willing to do anything to get out of this situation.
Suddenly he rips off his black ski mask. The laugh comes again, as does the lightning. His face bursts into flames and I can hear the crackling and sizzling of the fire as he lowers his face to mine.
I start to scream again, but he silences me by roughly kissing me. My lips are burning from the flames and I want to yell out in pain and fear but he's preventing me from doing so. I thrash wildly, desperately trying to break free of him.
I hear a voice to my left. It's faint but getting closer by the minute. I try to yell out again, but the monster is still kissing me. Burning away more of my lips.
Unfamiliar laughter floats to my ears. Not the monster's this time. Someone else. A girl's laughter. I turn my head to the left and see a young brunette standing by the dumpster. She's laughing and pointing at me.
"That girl isn't even fighting back!" She laughs, her hand shaking as she's overcome with fits of laughter. Within seconds she's surrounded by a group of people, all laughing and pointing at me. Their laughter and voices blend together until it's one big chorus, and I have to close my eyes to shut them out.
The monster removes his lips from mine and the burning pain is gone. I open my eyes just in time to see another flash of lightning as he laughs, and I hear him unzip my pants. He lets out a whooping sound as he does this, and the group of onlookers cheers wildly.
I'm crying even harder now – in fear and in shame. I look at the group, desperately pleading with them. "Why aren't you helping me? Why are you letting him do this?"
They answer in unison. "Because you deserve it, you dirty slut!" It repeats over and over in my head, and I look at them, tears burning in my eyes, until they all melt one by one into the sidewalk.
The monster has my pants off now. He's massaging my legs, working his way up. He emits sounds of approval the closer he gets. He stops when he reaches my thighs, and his forked tongue shoots out eagerly. I close my eyes as I feel him lick me.
"You're the dirtiest slut I've ever seen," he tells me, and then all I feel is pain.
I sit up quickly, my breath catching in my throat. My heart is pounding in my chest and I can't catch my breath. I'm drenched in sweat.
I put my hand on my chest and try to take several deep breaths, but I can't seem to get any air into my lungs. I'm beyond terrified. "Liv!" I yell, needing her by my side right now.
Where am I? I'm not home in bed. Olivia isn't coming at the sound of my voice, as she always does. I scrutinize my surroundings, but I can't see through the darkness. I call Olivia's name again. She has to be here. She's always with me. She wouldn't leave me, not like this.
Suddenly a voice calls my name. It isn't Olivia's voice, but it's familiar just the same. I hear a click and then light floods the room.
Then everything comes back to me. I'm at Abbie's. I'm on her couch. I left Olivia. I broke up with Olivia. She's not here to comfort me.
"Alex, what's wrong?" Abbie is beside me, her face filled with concern. "You were screaming."
My breathing is slowly returning to normal, but I'm still gripped with panic. God, that was the most realistic, horrible nightmare I've ever had. I can still feel fire on my lips, hear his evil laugh.
I shake my head. "Just a dream."
Abbie frowns and I hate her ability to be able to read me so well. "That was more than a dream, Lex. I thought you were being killed out here."
I'm suddenly very uncomfortable and all I want is Abbie away from me and this interrogation to be over. "It was nothing." I'm a terrible liar. Abbie won't buy that; she's one of the best damn attorneys around, after all.
"Lex, you were calling Olivia's name when I ran in here. You were crying for her."
I look away from Abbie in shame and close my eyes. "I broke up with her, Abbie. I don't need her."
"Yes, you do." Without warning, Abbie gets up from the couch. "I'm going to get my phone and call Olivia. And you're going to talk to her and have her come and get you. You need her to be with you right now."
I let Abbie get only a few steps away before my frantic voice stops her. "No! I can't! I broke up with her. She doesn't want me anymore. She won't care." I look at my watch. "And it's after two a.m."
Abbie spins around so quickly I almost don't see her do it. "That's shit, Alex. Olivia loves you. She called here as soon as you left. She was worried. You broke her heart, but she still loves you. She always will."
I let her walk away this time as I don't trust myself to use my voice any more without crying. And I don't want to cry, not anymore.
I feel wetness between my legs, and to my horror I realized I soiled myself. I let out a cry of shame. God, I'm so pathetic! I wet myself, over a damn nightmare! I probably ruined Abbie's couch. I'm going to have to pay for it to be cleaned. But how am I going to tell her? She'll laugh at me, just like those people in the nightmare.
I don't have time to think about it anymore. Too soon Abbie returns, holding her cell phone out to me. "It's Olivia. Talk."
I take the phone from her and hold it to my ear. "L-Liv?"
"Alex!" There's relief in her voice, but also worry. "Are you okay? Abbie told me what happened."
No, I'm not okay. "It was just a nightmare." I'm trying to be strong, but suddenly all my resolve just melts away. Hearing Olivia's voice breaks me. I need her. I need her holding me, soothing me. I need her to take this pain and shame away. "I'm so sorry, Liv. I need you!" The words slip out before I can stop them.
"Oh, Lexi, it's okay. I'm not mad!" There's a small pause, and then she says, "I'm coming right now to get you, baby."
I bite my trembling bottom lip. "Bring me a change of underwear and some sweats. Please." I don't tell her why and I'm relieved when she doesn't ask.
"Okay. I'll be right there. I love you."
I'm crying too hard to respond, so I just nod, forgetting she can't see me, and hand the phone back to Abbie. Abbie sits down again, sliding her arm around my shaking shoulders. I bury my head in her shoulder and sob.
"Thanks, Olivia. I'll sit with her until you get here." I hear Abbie click her phone off, and then both of her arms are around me. "Shh, it's okay, Lex. It's going to be okay. Olivia is on her way."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry – I ruined your couch, I –"
"Shh, Alex, it's fine. It doesn't matter." She hugs me tightly. "Don't worry about it. Olivia's coming."
"I didn't mean to wake you –"
"Alex, it's okay. You've done this for me enough times. I'm just returning the favor."
"I know you have work in the morning –"
"Lex, stop it. I'm your best friend. I'm here for you. You know that."
I bury my face in her shoulder again and nod.
A few minutes later, I hear a knock on the door and I know it's Olivia. Abbie gets up to answer it, and before I know it, I'm in Olivia's arms, and she's holding me and rubbing my back and telling me she loves me and that she's never going to let me go again. "It's okay now, baby," she says over and over. "I'm here." When she finally releases of me, she hands me a bag which I presume is full of underclothes. "You brought almost everything with you, but I took what was left." I blink at her, and she kisses my forehead. "You go change, sweetie. I'm going to talk to Abbie for a few minutes, okay?"
I nod and go into the washroom to change, my cheeks flaming. I haven't done this in years. I'm so ashamed.
When I come out after I've changed, Olivia and Abbie are sitting at the kitchen table and look up at me when I enter the room. Olivia gets to her feet and holds her hand out to me. "Ready to go home, baby?"
I nod mutely and take her hand. She has the bags I brought draped over her shoulders and she gives my hand a squeeze as she leads me out of Abbie's apartment.
I fall asleep in the car, and when Olivia wakes me, we're home. She kisses my forehead and unbuckles my seatbelt for me, then helps me out of the car. She wraps an arm around my shoulder and we walk together up to our apartment.
Olivia drops my bags at the front door and leads me to the bedroom. I lay down on the bed, too exhausted to do anything else. Olivia gently removes my shoes and socks and tucks me under the covers. "'Night, baby," she says quietly. "I'll be in the living room if you need me."
I stop her as she turns to go. I don't want to be alone right now. I need her. "Liv, stay with me. Please."
She gives me a smile and lies down on the bed beside me. "Can I hold you?"
I think for a moment, then nod. I really do want to be in her arms right now.
Olivia takes me into her arms, and I fall asleep safe and secure in her embrace.
Olivia's POV
When I wake up in the morning, I'm determined to talk to Alex. She's going to come to see a therapist if I have to drag her there kicking and screaming.
She's still asleep, poor baby. Her body is probably worn out from last night. I can't stop myself from reaching my hand out to caress her cheek, and the warmth of her soft skin comforts me. She looks so peaceful in sleep. I wish it could be like that all the time for her.
I go into the kitchen and start to prepare breakfast. Alex has been skipping meals recently, and today all of that ends. Today I'm going to get Alex the help she needs and make sure she takes care of herself. I love her too much to let her destroy herself like this.
Alex wanders into the kitchen while I'm locating the ingredients for a parfait. We don't seem to have any strawberries in the house, so I make a note to go shopping later. "Alex," I say when I hear her footsteps approaching, with no preamble, "we have to talk."
I expect her to argue with me, but I'm surprised when she says, "Okay."
I nod. "Let's go into the living room."
Alex sits down beside me on the couch. "So what do you want to talk about?"
"Alex, we need to get some help. Both of us."
"I am not going to see a shrink, Olivia."
"Alex, you don't have a choice. I will drag you there kicking and screaming if I have to. This is something you've got to do. I'll stay with you if you need me to, but you've got to talk to someone. Olivet gave me the phone number for a psychiatrist who specializes in trauma –"
"I don't need a psychiatrist! Liv, I'm not crazy!"
"No one's saying you are, Alex. But you know that when someone goes through a trauma like the one you went through, that person needs to talk to a professional to help them feel better."
"Don't patronize me, Olivia."
"Baby, I'm not. I'm really not. But you need someone to talk to. You need help, Alex, and there's no shame in that. We're going to call Dr. Allen and make an appointment for you."
Alex looks away. "I don't want to."
"Why, Alex? Why are you so against this?"
Alex doesn't answer.
I decide to play my trump card, since she's given me no other option. "Sweetheart, it really hurts me to see you like this. I hate feeling so helpless, like there's nothing I can do to make things better for you. I know you're in pain and all I want is for it to stop. But you and I can't make it stop on our own. We need someone to help us. Both of us. Baby, please, I'm begging you – just go once. I'll come with you if you like, and we can try it out. If you don't like the doctor, you never have to go again, but please, this is killing me to watch you suffer. Please do this for me."
Alex looks up at me with wide eyes. "I'm sorry, Liv. I know I'm hurting you. I just – I'm scared."
I exhale, glad she seems to be opening up to me. "What are you scared of, sweetheart?"
"That I just won't be able to get better. Talking about it just seems like – like –"
"Admitting it happened?"
Alex nods.
"But it did happen, baby."
"I know. But what if – what if Dr. Allen can't help me? What if I'm just too damaged?"
I lift Alex's chin so she's looking right into my eyes. "Why don't we give her a chance before we pass judgment on what she can and can't do?"
Alex lays her head in my lap, and I start to stroke her hair. "I'm sorry, Olivia," she says quietly.
"Lexi, this isn't your fault."
I see tears in her eyes as she looks back up at me. "I'm hurting you," she says, her face crumpling. "Why can't things just go back to the way they were?"
All I can do is hold her. Things can't and never will be the same as they once were.
I give Dr. Allen a call and set Alex up and appointment for tomorrow. Apparently, Olivet called her and she pushed us to the front of the list.
Just before her appointment, Alex is a bundle of nerves. She can't sit still, instead racing around the apartment, organizing things. It's what she does when she's anxious, and she ignores me when I try to calm her.
When it's time to go, I notice that Alex is trembling. I don't comment on it, but I wrap an arm around her shoulders and give her a squeeze to let her know I'm here.
We're sitting in the waiting room of the psychiatrist's office a few minutes before her appointment. Alex is tapping her foot and twirling a strand of hair around the hand that isn't holding mine. Her hand is cold and clammy, but I don't let go. I know she needs me right now.
A tall woman with dark hair and square framed glasses steps out of her office several moments later. "Alex Cabot?" she says, and Alex nods. The woman gives her a smile. "I'm Claire Allen. It's nice to meet you, Alex."
Alex is silent for a moment, then ventures, "This is Olivia."
Dr. Allen smiles at me. "Hi, Olivia. It's nice to meet you, too." She looks at Alex. "Would you like Olivia to come in with us today?"
Alex nods.
"All right. Come on, then."
I help Alex to her feet and we follow Dr. Allen into her office. It's much more spacious than I expected, particularly for New York City. There are two separate areas, one with two couches and an armchair and one with a table as well as a couch.
Alex sits down on the couch beside me, and Dr. Allen sits across from us. She smiles at us. "So, Alex," she says, "I already know a bit about you from Dr. Olivet, but I'd really like to get to know you better. What can you tell me about yourself?"
Alex hesitates. "I don't know what you want me to say."
"Tell me about the things you like, the things you don't like, the things that are important to you . . ."
"Olivia," Alex says, and I smile and give her hand a squeeze.
Dr. Allen nods for Alex to continue, but she doesn't. "Okay, then how about you tell me a little bit about why you're here?"
Alex regards her coldly. "You know why I'm here."
"I do know what happened to you, but why don't you tell me what you think I can do for you?"
Alex shrugs.
"How have you been feeling since the attack?"
"How do you think I've been feeling?"
"Anxious, distrustful, guilty, dirty, afraid, like there's something different about you, like there's something wrong with you – there isn't Alex. The only thing that's wrong here is what happened to you, and the person who did it to you."
"I know. I work with rape victims every day. I've told them all the same things."
Dr. Allen nods. "Have you been having any trouble eating or sleeping? Nightmares?"
Alex looks away and doesn't answer.
After a moment, Dr. Allen says, "You know that's normal, Alex. It's very normal for people who have experienced trauma to be affected by it, and sometimes that manifests itself in eating and sleeping habits."
Alex looks at her, her eyes blazing. "I don't need you to patronize me! I wet the bed the other night! I haven't done that since I was six." Then she starts to cry, and I wrap my arms around her, trying to shelter her from herself and her own pain.
Dr. Allen hesitates. "And how do you feel about that?"
"Everything you said, but you don't understand – there is something wrong with me! I hurt Olivia. I was having a nightmare and I hit her. I'm sorry, Liv, I'm sorry – there is something wrong with me, I've become this awful person!"
"No, you haven't, baby. That isn't true," I tell her. "I know that wasn't your fault."
"Olivia's right, Alex. That wasn't your fault," Dr. Allen says.
"But you said that's why I had to come here – because I was hurting you. I don't want to hurt you, Liv. That's why I tried to leave. I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I love you."
"I know you do, baby. I love you, too." I hug her tighter, as if holding her close to me can protect her from anything that might do her harm.
Dr. Allen watches us without saying anything for several minutes. Then she says, "Alex, you know that Olivia loves you." Alex nods. "So why is it so difficult for you to let her be there for you?"
Alex buries her face in my shoulder. "I don't know," she whispers.
I rub soothing circles into her back as I feel my shirt get damp with tears. "Shh, it's okay, baby. It's okay."
She sits up after a few moments and rubs her eyes. "I'm sorry."
"What are your nightmares about, Alex?" Dr. Allen asks.
She shakes her head. "I don't want to talk about them."
"I know it's hard to talk about, Alex, but it's very important for you to be honest with me."
"Can we – can we save that topic until next week?"
Dr. Allen sighs. "Okay, Alex. Our time is almost up anyway. I'll see you next week, same time, all right?"
As we walk back down to the car, I give Alex a smile. "I'm proud of you, Alex, you know that?"
She squeezes my hand and smiles back.
