Author's Notes: This is the penultimate chapter. Let's see what I can cook up. Ooh, cooking sounds good right now. I think I'll get something to eat. Yummy!
Chapter IX: How to Defeat a Traitor Padawan in Sixty Seconds
"What was the droid thing like?" asked Obi-wan for what seemed like the millionth time.
"A whiner, you are, Obi-Wan," said Yoda.
"Thanks," said Obi-Wan sarcastically.
"Back talk me, you won't," said Yoda as he bonked Obi-Wan on the head with the nearest object, witch happened to be a flame thrower.
"Yo, what up, dawg?" questioned Randy Jackson.
"What the…" began Obi-Wan.
"BACK IN BLACK!" screamed a voice Obi-Wan knew quite well, Anakin.
"Sucks, your Padawan does," said Yoda, "Easy, will it be to destroy him. Go!" Obi-Wan ran forward through the hallways of the temple. Suddenly, he came upon a weird old lady that said "Neither shall live while the other survives. Crap, I'm in the wrong movie".
"Die, you will, Randy Jackson," said Yoda as he sliced Randy into a million pieces.
Obi-Wan thought about what the lady had said and the fact that it was possible she wasn't in the wrong movie, but was referring to the fight between him and Anakin. Then, Obi-Wan heard the voice of his old master, Qui-Gon Jinn.
"To the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left."
Obi-Wan was about to ask him why he was here and why he was singing when he heard a rumble off to the right. Obi-Wan entered the junk room, where everything was stored. Tons of broken light sabers, burnt blasters, and out-of-date maps were all around him. Then it came again.
"To the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left."
Obi-wan turned left and flipped over all the boxes he saw. Nothing but some used toilet paper were in these. The rumbling came again. Then Obi-Wan saw a movement to his left. There was a pile of Jedi Monthly newspapers from years ago that was moving. Obi-Wan brushed aside the newspapers and there sat a box. A box, to his left.
"To the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left."
The voice of Qui-Gon sounded worried, as if Obi-Wan must hurry. Obi-Wan opened the box very slowly, to increase the suspense.
"To the LEFT, to the LEFT, everything you own in a box to the LEFT!"
The voice was screaming now. There was something Obi-Wan must be missing. Here was a box to the left of the room that was moving. Obi-Wan didn't understand the part about what he owned. The voice must have been referring to Anakin as his padawan and property.
Obi-wan increased the suspense more by slowing his opening of the box.
"Oh, please don't kill mesa!" shouted a gungan as it jumped out of the box.
"Jar Jar?" asked Obi-Wan, "What are you doing in here?"
"Well mesa was here to ask the Jedi what was happenin to Senator Amidala," said Jar Jar.
"Senator Amidala hasn't returned yet?" questioned Obi-Wan.
"Yep," said Jar Jar sadly, "Wea thinkin shesa gone bye-bye."
"And how did you get in this box?" asked Obi-Wan.
"Well when de big monster thingy come stompin' through here mesa thinkin' that mesa don't wanna get killed," said Jar Jar, "So, mesa hide in here."
"Still, I haven't found Anakin," said Obi-Wan, "Jar Jar, please go to Master Yoda up this hallway. Tell him I can't find Anakin and that Qui-Gon Jinn is singing directions to me that aren't leading me to the correct place."
"Ok, mesa doin…" began Jar Jar. Suddenly the sky roared with the sound of hundreds of ships flying through the air.
"Jar Jar, go," said Obi-Wan. Jar Jar left, his hands over his long ears. Obi-Wan wondered why the Jedi were taking off in such a hurry. He pulled back the blinds to realize that it wasn't Jedi ships in the air, but Separist ships.
"They're attacking Couruscant!" exclaimed Obi-Wan.
"Yes, they are," said Anakin, "And all under my orders. Soon the Jedi will be destroyed. But now I have the pleasure of personally destroying you." Anakin raised his light saber and made such a large and slow motion of cutting Obi-Wan could easily escape. Out of nowhere, a camera crew appeared.
"Ladies and Gentlemen," said an announcer, "Here's Obi-Wan Kenobi on our newest episode of How to Defeat a Traitor Padawan in Sixty Seconds!"
"Ok," said Obi-Wan, who was a bit surprised but relaxed when he remembered that everything had been surprising today, "First you cut right, left, then in the middle!"
"OW!" shouted Anakin.
"Then up, down, and in the hand!" said Obi-Wan.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!" screamed Anakin.
"Finally," said Obi-Wan, "You take a blaster out and shoot him. That should take care of him." Obi-wan shot Anakin. Anakin died.
"WOW!" said the camera crew, "Thanks for coming on the show!" Then, they left, which left Obi-Wan with the corpse of his former padawan.
Anakin was dead. Obi-Wan must help the defeat the Separists. He had to find Padme Amidala. He shouldn't even linger on Anakin. But Obi-Wan felt as though he had destroyed something else than a person. It was like he was destroying a saga or something.
"Oh, well," said Obi-Wan as he left to find the battle.
