Chapter Nine: Capable

I wake from dreamless sleep to a New Year, an empty bed, and raised voices filtering through the crack under the door. Renee's back. She's home and they're fighting again and I'm certain I'm a part of the reason. I don't strain to listen. I won't, not after last time.

Instead I pull on a sweatshirt and dig through the drawer in my nightstand to find a pen and notebook. It's leather-bound and sturdy, a gift from my last birthday that I've never used. The clean white pages taunt me for a moment; make me hesitate amidst my haste. But then I'm writing and it it's instant relief. I write about that night when everything changed, about Edward and Renee and everything in between. It's erratic, out of context and out of order, but it 's also out of my mind and on the paper, all of my thoughts, all of my feelings pouring over the pages like sticky molasses. It's something Carlisle suggested months ago that I couldn't bring myself to do. He'd called it therapeutic and now I know why. I don't know how long I write but I halt when the doorbell rings and the yelling stops, to find my fingers stiff and cramping.

"Bella!" Edward hollers up the steps and I can assume easily enough who's at the door.

Jacob.

Dread fills my chest at the thought of the uncomfortable conversation to come but luckily my furious writing allowed plenty of time to reflect. I pull on boots and stand to leave but stop short, remembering the newly dubbed journal. It's shoved back in the closed drawer before I emerge and then I'm slowly creeping down the stairs.

Edward stands at the bottom, arms crossed and jaw ticking, either from the fight or our newest guest, but more likely a combination of both. Standing outside the door just past my stepfather is Jake, as expected, looking nervous and fidgeting from foot to foot. I move to exit the open door but pause when Edward's warm hand clutches at my arm. My sweatshirt separates us but it burns all the same.

"Ten minutes and then your mom and I need to talk to you." His voice is low and his head bowed. When I steer my gaze to meet those green eyes, the openness from last night is gone and he's a mask of steel and stone.

It irks me and my response is curt. "Fine."

His jaw visibly flexes and he exhales quickly before his hand disappears and I'm moving again. The cold air greets me aside my friend's tight-lipped smile and I shut the door tightly behind me. The few steps down to the walkway seem to take forever but them I'm there at last and so is Jake and I know we'll have to talk.

"Hey." It's the best I can do with the high-speed train running through my head.

"Sounds like you were getting an earful." He heard the yelling, the whole neighborhood probably heard.

"Something like that." I see my breath in the air and pull the sleeves of my sweatshirt tightly over my hands.

"I tried calling…" He still sounds so confident, so cool, but I can see the crack of nervousness and worry on his face.

"I left my phone at Ben's, and my truck and my coat." I shake my head at the stupidly of it all. And then there's silence, awkward and dragging. It's the most uncomfortable I've ever felt with him and I hate it. When I spare a glance from the snow at my feet to Jake his mouth is opening and closing like a fish out of water. I look away again, hoping it will give him the nerve to say what he wants to.

He clears his throat and then he's speaking. "So last night…"

"We kissed." I say the words like I'm ripping off a Band-Aid and I swear he flinches back at the bluntness.

"And then Edward showed up." I snap my eyes back to his at this. It's not quite where I expected this conversation to go.

"What did he say to you?" I'd wondered since last night but I wasn't going to ask Edward.

"He was mad."

"What did he say Jake?"

"He cussed me out and threatened to kill me if I touch you again." I balk at this and let my hands fall from the sleeves at my side.

What?

"Really?"

The corners of his lips quirk up and then his teeth peek out, white and shining, until he's smiling full. "No. He told me to call a cab home. I think he wanted to say more but he was pretty pissed."

I release a breath of air I didn't realize I'd been holding.

"I'm surprised after all that you still decided to show up here." I cast my eyes to the driveway. "And on your motorcycle no less." I'm the one smiling now but stop short at his next words.

"I had to." I hear the emotion there, see it in his eyes. "It wasn't a mistake Bella. I wish...I wish I had done things differently but I don't regret kissing you."

"You were drunk." I'm shaking my head and looking everywhere but him. "We both were."

"Tipsy maybe but I wasn't drunk." He moves a step closer with outstretched hand and I step back on instinct and throw a glance to the house behind me. I wonder to myself if they're watching - if he's watching.

"Jake…"

"Look at me Bella." I swallow the lump in my throat and find his dark brown eyes with mine. "I've known you forever. We've been there for each other through so much. Believe me, I didn't ask for this to happen but I can't help how I feel."

"Jake." It's too much.

"I know I'm blindsiding you but I needed to tell you." He grabs my hand before I notice his approach and it's warm and large. It's comforting and familiar but it's not his.

Even if I had days or weeks or months to think about it, I know it would always come back to this. I could try with Jacob, there's certainly a possibility of more than friendship there, a possibility of love eventually. But could I ever stop comparing him to the man in the house? Could I ever love him enough to move on from my complicated feelings for Edward? I don't know but it wouldn't be fair to anyone, not now at least.

"You're one of my oldest friends Jake but…I just can't handle anything more right now. I'm sorry." My eyes burn into his and I see the flash of hurt despite how well he conceals it. He nods and squeezes my hand in his.

"I get it. And I'm always here Bella, whatever you need." He pulls me into a warm hug and I let him, soaking in the feeling of how lucky I am. I'm lucky to have an understanding friend like Jake. Lucky to have a guy like him love a girl like me. His arms squeeze until I groan in discomfort and he kisses my cheek with warm lips.

"I can't promise I won't try to kiss you again though. It was pretty great." His words are whispered in my ear and I shove him away with a smile.

"Idiot." He laughs and pushes his hands in the pockets of his coat.

"But a loveable idiot." I roll my eyes before nodding in agreement, happy that the awkwardness has subsided. Happy that he understood so easily.

"We're okay Swan?" He's still smiling but more serious now.

"Of course."

Jacob leaves shortly after, riding off on his grumbling motorcycle after blowing a kiss.

Ridiculous.

I stand outside for another minute, breathing in the fresh air before I have to go back to the strangling stiffness inside. The steps pass too quickly and them I'm in the living room, seated on the couch and staring at the blank TV. My mothers in a chair in the corner, looking more filled with angst that the teens I know, and Edwards pacing with heavy feet, clearly annoyed.

"Your mom and I talked, and we think it's only suiting to ground you after last night." His words trail off to be eaten by the silence and he stares towards me expectantly. Does he think I'll pitch a fit? I suppose after my irritated response to him earlier it wouldn't be surprising.

"Okay." My mother snorts and Edwards eyes shoot to her like laser beams. "How long?"

I turn to Renee, thinking she might have something to add but she's too busy picking at her fingernails smugly. When I look to Edward, his eyes are still on her, tired and irritated, evident by the hard lines across his forehead and the clench of his jaw. Stupid woman. I'll never understand how she can't seem to appreciate what's right in front in her.

I'm still staring at Edward so I see the way his eyes soften when they meet mine.

"A week." I swallow hard, pushing away the feelings that spring in my chest when his eyes drink me in like they do and his voice crawls forward, low and deep.

"Seems fair." The stifling silence stretches on and I need to escape. "Am I dismissed?"

Edward nods, Renee snickers, and I stride through the living room and up the stairs, running from the rabid beast that is my awkward family dynamic. As soon as my door closes they're arguing again. I put in headphones to drown it out and write until my hand tires. I'm finishing a thought on paper that reads more like a poem when my door opens and I snap the notebook closed. It's Edward and his lips are moving but all I hear is the drums and the strumming of a guitar. I snatch the headphones from my ears and catch the end of his sentence.

"…answer."

"What?" He laughs at my clearly confused expression and takes two steps closer.

"Sorry to let myself in. I knocked but you didn't answer." I lift the headphones in my hand and he nods in understanding.

"You're writing." He motions to my lap and I glance down to see the pen and notebook.

"Yeah, something Carlisle suggested." He raises his eyebrows and nods as he takes another step.

"You didn't say much earlier."

"There wasn't much to say. I get it and I believe grounding is the normal punishment for teenage antics." He chuckles low and takes a seat on the edge of the bed.

"And things with Jacob?" I fix him with a stare.

"Nosy."

"Fine, I guess I don't need an explanation for what I walked in on last night." My cheeks heat quickly and I know I'm blushing red. He saw it all. I'd wondered how much he'd witnessed and now I know.

"It was nothing." It's not the whole truth but I don't feel the need to tell him more.

"Didn't look like nothing." The words are a grumbled whisper and I resist the urge to roll my eyes at how ridiculous the conversation has become.

"It was nothing, seriously."

"Sure, sure." He watches me from the corner of his eye in a way that tells me how little he believes my words. He almost sounds jealous but realistically it's the usual overprotective Edward.

"Also, I'm sorry about this morning. Your mom and I… we're just working some things out." Clearly. If the palpable tension earlier didn't prove this, the yelling surely did.

"It's fine."

"No Bella, it's not. You won't have to hear that again." His gaze burns into mine and it's hard to breath under his stare.

"Thank you." Our eyes stay connected until I can't help but look away and then he's standing to leave.

"I'll let you get back to your writing but we need to go get your truck in a bit."

He's at the door when I speak again. "I'm going to get a job."

His movement halts and then he's turning back to me, eyebrows up and confusion obvious.

"You don't need to."

"I want to." And it's true. Writing can only take me so far and a distraction, a purpose, seems like the best thing for me. I need to show everyone that I'm not broken. I need to prove to myself that I'm capable.

"Okay." His lips are pulling into a proud and dimpled grin, one that would make my knees weak if I were standing. "But only after you've served your time."

I'm smiling back and trying not to blush even more with the way he looks at me.

"Yes sir."