Epilogue

...

The beach was almost deserted at this time of day but there were a few people dotted across the sand. It was mostly couples but there was one particular family walking back toward the parking lot; the father carrying a sleeping blonde little girl while toting a large, inflatable killer whale with his free hand. His female companion walked beside him, one hand hooked into one of the pockets of his swim trunks while the other held the hand of a boy of about five or six. The little one was swinging his arm along with his mother, lost in imagination and wonder at the ocean waves and the gulls swirling overhead.

Kensi watched the small family until they eventually disappeared around the taco stand and despite the incredible sense of loss that still burned in her heart, she had to smile at the happiness the couple had found. She paused to unclick Monty's leash before kicking off her sandals to carry them hooked in her fingers turning back to the water churning in front of her. Her furry companion trotted over to the foaming water, took a couple of sniffs until he sat back on his haunches, looking around like something, or someone, was missing. The tall brunette watched him with sad eyes, remembering the dark night she told Deeks' most faithful friend that "daddy" was not coming home again.

Ambling closer to the water, she found herself completely alone except for her furry companion. She had to pull her hair across her shoulder, the Pacific winds beginning to pick up as the orange sun began to dip behind the horizon. Walking until the surf lapped at her toes, Kensi came to a stop, letting the calming effect of the constant in and out of the waves lull her into a more peaceful state. While the past weeks had been filled with loneliness and heartache, she finally felt the stirrings of hope deep in her soul and she had to reluctantly admit that she was grateful for the moment. The path to this point in her life could have seen her crashing back into her old ways of shutting off her wounded heart or slipping into despondency with no vision of a future beyond that of taking her next breath. This day in particular had brought a ray of light into that darkness.

Turning into the setting sun, Kensi took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as she began to speak to the waves.

"Hey baby …" Her voice cracked and left her for a moment, just like it did each time she came here. She swallowed the burning at the back of her throat, summoning the strength that made her able to deal with such devastating loss. " … I … uh … I miss you, Deeks."

This place had become their spot early in their 'thing'. It had morphed from just a hang out while eating tacos after their surfing lessons to become their favorite place to unwind when they needed someplace quiet. When they starting officially dating, their evenings often found them here; holding hands while walking along the beach before they would stop and watch the sun go down together, talking about future plans or content to spend long moments saying nothing at all. It was also where she would find him if they had had a disagreement and needed some cool-down time before they made up. When a case got to close to home and showed them another shade of the evil humans could perpetrate against each other, this is where they came; sometimes together but at other times, they came here alone, to find some type of equilibrium that would allow the world to make sense once more.

Kensi wiped at her eyes, blowing out her breath as her courage faded. "I … I can't believe that it's been … it's been ..." She let the words fall away, knowing exactly how long it had been. How many weeks. How many days. Hours. Seconds.

Since she lost him.

"Dammit … it's not getting any easier without you babe ..." She wiped away the tears that were slipping down her cheeks. "... but … uh, I guess I'm going to have to figure out a way to do this on my own."

Kensi listened to the sound of the waves pounding into the shore for a few minutes while she collected her thoughts and let the ache in her heart ease it's grip. Over the past weeks, her world had been turned completely upside down and just thinking about anything to do with Mexico threatened to send her into another tailspin. There had been moments of screaming at God, the fates, or whomever she felt was to blame for taking him away from her. Guilt and regret over her own decisions, the ones made before and during the mission, that may have produced a different outcome than the one she was enduring, plagued her dreams and sometimes a great portion of her waking moments.

But today was a different day and she needed to tell him.

"I'm sorry, Marty … I'm so sorry. I should have listened to what you were trying to tell me that night in the garage. I should have walked out as soon as Mosley fired you for saying what we all were thinking." She had been so caught up in doing what she was told that she did not even consider the ramifications for all of the parties involved. At the moment, she had believed that the mission had been the right thing to do and it probably was, but the cost had been too high; the price more than she had been willing to pay.

"It was a disaster from the start and now that we're back … it's only gotten worse; Mosley and her son are in the wind, they disappeared as soon as the helicopter landed back in the States. There's also a team that the Justice Department sent down from D.C. and they're ripping us a new one, questioning us about everything. If it hadn't been for Hidoko and Turk, we would have been stuck in Mexico … not that I really cared at the moment. You were … you were gone and I just didn't care anymore."

A wave splashed against her leg, sending cool water up her calf. It was both exhilarating and calming at the same time. "Hetty's let me take as long as I need … Callen and Sam have been great; they check up on me everyday just like the annoying older brothers that they are. I think Callen is dealing with the best way he can ... but I'm afraid he's blaming himself for taking us there in the first place. Sam ... well, he's trying to be the strong one in the group but I think it broke his heart. I know he still picked on you but he loved you ... I can see it in his eyes when he talks about you."

Kensi started walking along the shoreline, letting the waves foam around her ankles as she moved. "Your memorial service was beautiful babe. I've never seen so many police officers in one place at the same time. I know you always said that you had no friends at LAPD but you couldn't tell that day. They may not have liked you but they respected you and it showed."

She did not mention all the agents, both from LA and D.C. that had been there that day as well. Kensi had held it together until Lieutenant Bates had handed the folded American flag into Roberta's hands and the poor woman almost collapsed beside her. The two women had clung to each other, with Callen and Sam holding them up when their strength finally gave out.

Ray had been there with his little family, proud to stand in honor of the man who had changed his life for the better through the power of friendship. Talia had flown in on the same flight as Nate, just in time to catch the service but she had been truly supportive of Kensi, giving her another shoulder to cry on during the moments when it became all too much. Nell and Eric were far too quiet, the exact opposite of their exuberant natures as they tried to find their own way of mourning a man they both loved deeply.

After the memorial, the team and her mother had accompanied her and Roberta out on Sam's boat, where they took Deeks' ashes and deposited them into the Pacific ocean, where he could spend eternity catching every wave that suited his fancy. It had been a somber moment as she and his mother carefully poured his remains into the water, their friends and family lovingly standing with them. That was another reason she came here almost every day to talk to him, where she could pour out her heart; the pain, the anger, the ache, the loneliness … let it all go, carried away with the tide. It was how she was coping at the moment, but some times the darkness won and all she could do was weep for the love she had lost.

"I can't stand it some days. Most of the time, I just want to find Mosley and choke the life out of her … but everyday, I just want to be with you … I wish … I wish ..." Kensi swallowed the burning sensation in the back of her throat. "I wish we had just walked away … ran off and eloped … so we could have made it official and I could have been your wife for real. I love you Deeks, and I know that I always will, with everything that I am."

She stopped walking and took a deep breath, preparing herself for what she had to say next. "I've got something to tell you babe … I uh … I can't stay long tonight, I'm meeting Hetty at that little bistro on the corner in a few minutes but I wanted to talk to you first."

"I didn't get to tell you when we got to Mexico … we weren't really talking about anything important. At first I thought it was all because I was upset about our fight in the garage or the tension over the mission and how crappy the whole situation was … but I'd been feeling nauseous the whole time we were down there." She inadvertently laid a hand to a spot just below her stomach. "Then when we got back ... and you were ... you were ... I started getting sick ..."

The words were tangling on top of her tongue and she knew that she had to get them out, if not just to hear herself actually say them out loud.

"I'm pregnant Marty … I'm going to have your baby."

She could not stop the tears this time and just let them flow. It did not really matter, but she was grateful that she was alone on the beach and no one would see her in this state. "Talia was actually the one to notice something was up and convinced me to get a home test … I took two … and I just came from the doctor and she confirmed it."

"That's why I'm meeting Hetty in a few … I've got to talk to her about my options." A few weeks ago, her future had been certain. She and Deeks would get married, they would figure out their careers, they would have kids, grow old together and have their happily ever after. This path she now found herself on was not one she have even contemplated and it was difficult to know which was was up on some days. Her friends and family had been there for her but no one could take his place and the hole in her heart seemed to grow day by day.

Until today.

There was a new life growing within her own body and even with the loss that was so overwhelming, there had come a ray of light and she was going to do everything in her power to hold onto it. Whatever changes she needed to make, she would do it. There was no way she would put their child in danger; she could not rick losing their little one the way she had lost her Deeks. Yes, this life was unpredictable and the end could come from a defective heart valve just as easily as from a bullet or a bomb set off by a terrorist.

Kensi Marie Blye had been given another chance at a different type of happiness, and there was no power on this earth that could prevent her from giving it her all.

"I love you babe … I love you so much it hurts." And she did, even though he would never be there with her again, not physically anyway. "You will always be with me … I even heard your laugh the other day … it was so clear, I couldn't breathe for a moment."

Monty nudged her knee and when she looked down, he was wagging his tail like he was excited about something. Kensi saw that he was looking out at the waves, tracking something with his brown eyes, almost like he used to do when …

Looking up quickly, she saw a large wave finish breaking against another, throwing up a spray of white foam and for a split second, it had the vague shape of a person. It was not clearly defined and her mind knew that it was just a convergence of the lighting, the water droplets falling through the air, and the wind … but her heart felt him there at that moment. Her hand flew to cover the gasp that escaped before she could stop calling out his name.

"Deeks ..."

Then a soft breeze touched her cheek, like a light kiss.

In the days and weeks that followed; after her resignation as a field agent, after all the squeals and jumping up and down with Nell after the good news broke, after three grown men arguing over which one would be the bestest uncle, after telling her mother that she was going to have her grandchild …

… Kensi "Bad Ass" Blye would know without a doubt that her love had been there on that beach that afternoon and that he had kissed her cheek after finding out she was going to have his child.

It was crazy, she knew that … but she would spend the rest of her life knowing that even though he could not be with her on this earth, he would forever be by her side even though she could not see him.

Just like he promised.

fin

...

A/N: Thank you for staying with me through this little journey. It took me a good bit longer than I expected when I started and turned out a lot differently than most of you expected.

It was dark, like I said in the description and I do apologize for not labeling it "tragedy" but then you would have known what the ending was going to be. Yes, I killed off Deeks but please know that I'm a huge fan of the character as well as DENSI and this is not what I usually write … but this is the story that jumped into my head when the season finale aired and we were left with a burning SUV and the big unknown over the summer. There was a moment that I even considered killing off Kensi but it just did not swing in that direction.

I wanted to tell a story where 'reality' turns out to not be what was expected or even wanted. Sometimes we do not get the happily ever after. Sometimes the path is one of pain and suffering. Sometimes we do not get to make up. Sometimes we have to learn to live with regret. That's the world we live in and I was growing tired of stories with the happy ending wrapped up with a neat little bow, with no consequences for choosing a particular path.

Thanks for the support and the reviews, even when you did not like the tone or direction that my story was taking. I was in the middle of writing it when I suffered a medical emergency back in October and one thing that was a slight side effect was I had a hard time keeping my focus on a particular subject. It's better now and hope that I have no more lingering side effects.

Now I off to start working on The Broken Road (yes, it's been forever), so please hang on and hopefully, I can get something posted around Christmas. I know I said that LAST year but this time, I really mean it. I do. Swear.

Semper Fi

JS