Chapter 9: Grunkle Stan Watches a Nature Documentary

Mabel Pines liked people. She liked seeing them, liked talking to them, liked being with them, and currently, liked making them. Well, she liked making wax copies of them, at any rate. Right now, she was working on a statue of a guy named Richard Fanny, a guy who had founded a town in Nevada some 100 years ago. She had gotten a request to make a statue of him as a commemoration for the centennial anniversary. This what she liked abut her job. She got to interact with people, see glimpses of their lives, what they wanted, and then she used her creativity to make them happy. It was a swell job.

Unfortunately, it was also a taxing one. She stretched her arms. She needed a break. She looked at her work thus far. She had a lot of the parts in their proper shape, not too much detail or color but it was certainly enough to earn her a delicious snack. She headed down to the kitchen to make herself a sandwich.

As she was in the middle of creating her second masterpiece of the day, she heard the floors creak and watched as Dipper turned the corner. "Hey, Dipper!" she cheered. "I haven't seen you all day!" She glanced at the clock. It was already past noon. How had she not seen her brother the entire morning?

"Yeah, I've been mostly down in the lab with Grunkle Ford, checking out what he's done since we were last here. You've been working on that founder guy, right?"

"Yup. Their big celebration is in two weeks, so I've really gotta shape up for this one. Hah! Waxmaking joke."

"I'm sure every wax worker in the world just started laughing," Dipper replied. He eyed her sandwich. "And I'm pretty sure every chef in the world is crying."

"Yeah, crying with joy," Mabel commented happily, gazing upon her creation. Her sandwich was packed with nutritional value: lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, pickles, carrots, and banana. Then, to make it delicious, she had drenched it in thousand island dressing. The bread was literally oozing with flavor! Delicious and nutritious, her sandwich was an inspiration to sandwiches everywhere.

Dipper sighed. His sister was an incredibly brilliant person, who could make almost anything, except, somehow, a half-decent meal. "Right, just so you know, if and when you get a heart attack from that, you're going to have to rely on Grunkle Stan. I'm heading into town."

"Really?" Mabel asked. "It's Pioneer Day, you know."

"Yeah, I know. I'm going to the minigolf course though," he explained pulling his Journal out of his hoodie. "Grunkle Ford doesn't have anything on the Lilliputtians, because he's never been mini-golfing like we have, so I figured I'd better head down there and try to document them. Today's the best day to do it, since the place is closed for the day. If they actually recognize me, things might get dangerous. I don't really want anybody to be put in jeopardy."

"Do you want me to come with?" Mabel asked. "This sounds like a Mystery Twins thing."

Dipper shook his head. "Nah, you work on your commission. You said it yourself, you've got your work cut out for you. I can handle this on my own probably. They're not exactly the most threatening creatures we've seen."

"Oh, ok, cool," Mabel said, frowning.

"Besides, I wouldn't have even known about them if you and Pacifica weren't so crazy about mini-golf," he replied. "This was already a Mystery Twins production."

"Yeah, I am pretty awesome," Mabel responded, chuckling a little. "Oh, speaking of Pacifica, she's in town. You should drop by Main Street, say hi to her. I'm sure she'd appreciate it."

"If the mini-golf course goes smoothly, maybe," Dipper remarked. "Alright, I'm heading out."

He walked past the kitchen, and Mabel chewed on her sandwich silently. She heard Grunkle Stan from the living room.

"Hey, slick, where ya going?"

"Going to the minigolf course, breaking in, taking photos of an undocumented species, and, if possible, observing their lifestyle."

"It disgusts me that you can make breaking into a place sound that boring."

"Y'know, Grunkle Stan, I feel like that shouldn't be your response as my guardian."

"Kid, if I responded to everything the way I should, I wouldn't be where I am today."

"Sitting on a lounger watching TV?"

"You're missing a key detail, Dipper. I'm sitting on a lounger watching TV in a room with thousands of dollars in cash hidden in a secret wall compartment."

"You make an excellent point, Grunkle Stan."

"Of course I do. Now get going. I'm watchin' this rainforest documentary and I don't want to miss it when something gets eaten."

And then she heard the door slam shut. She chewed on her sandwich. There was that feeling again. She had felt it before, when Dipper unveiled the watches, but this time it was bigger. More and more, she had been noticing Dipper's tendency to do things without her, as well as her tendency to do things without Dipper. They were growing up, and this time, it was unavoidable.

It's not like they wouldn't always have the other's support and love. She knew that no matter what, she and Dipper would be thick as thieves. But they wouldn't always be able to have each other's backs. Their lifestyles and goals were just too different. Like today, it was far more convenient for the both of them to do their own thing, completely separate from each other. Heck, even Pacifica was more capable of helping her brother if things got hairy. At least she was in town!

Mabel stopped to consider that. Pacifica could help her brother in a lot of ways. Provided they got a gentle push, which Mabel decided she was going to give. She wiped her hands on her napkin, which was now a completely different color, and pulled out her phone to text Candy and Grenda. This wasn't exactly the greatest idea she had ever had, and would probably not be appreciated by anyone, but her primary impulse control was currently breaking into a minigolf course, so clearly it was open season right now.


Dipper stared at the spherical creature before him. The blue guy who had been his and Mabel's "ambassador" throughout their adventures last time was the tone to greet him this time. He couldn't remember the guy's name, but that wasn't even remotely the biggest issue here. He was currently surrounded by armies of small golf balls, all of which were pointing some manner of themed weaponry at him. That, however, also wasn't the biggest issue here. He scratched his hair.

"I'm sorry, why exactly are you letting me do what I want?"

Franz sighed. Really, he had thought the blue-clothed one was the smarter of the two humans, but he was clearly a slow learner. And he clearly didn't even remember Franz's name. Rude. Well, all could be forgiven, he supposed. He was after all, one of the Lilliputtians' most hated enemies.

"As I said, you as our most hated enemy, are more than welcome here."

"Right, see, you keep saying that, but those words don't usually go together."

"It's very simple. The enemy of my enemy is my friend. You are our enemy, and we united together to attempt to kill you, and we stayed together in order to make sure you never came back. In doing so, we had to resolve our differences and now, not only have all of our wars stopped, but we came up with a truly spectacular dance number. Would you like to see it?"

"Umm... Not really?"

Franz scoffed and waved his hand. "Doesn't even have the decency to listen to our songs. Classic despicable traitor move."

A low chortle rose from the waves of golfball forces around them.

"So, you guys do hate me, right?"

"Oh, absolutely."

Dipper glanced around at the armies. "But, uh, you guys aren't going to kill me?"

"What, and destroy that which has kept the peace for years? Yeesh, we knew you were heartless, but brainless too?"

Another, louder chuckle from the crowd.

"So... you guys aren't gong to kill me?"

"No."

"And you're going to let me investigate your different environments."

"Of course! It's the least we can do for someone who callously betrayed all of our trust!"

"So, can we stop aiming weapons at me?"

"Absolutely not! Our men and women have been training for years just for the chance to shoot you through the throat. We will not drop our guard against you one bit. Now come along, I'll give you the full tour."

Dipper felt like this was somehow both extremely easy and extremely difficult. Still, he probably shouldn't complain. At least there were no murder attempts this time. Hopefully.

He walked along behind the blue guy. The armies shuffled along with him, keeping him properly surrounded. Dipper sighed. This was going to be difficult. Unbeknownst to him, (he had seen far too many movies to not put his phone on silent when in a dangerous situation) his phone lit up with a text from his sister.


Pioneer Day was usually a good day for Pacifica. She got up, said a few words, everyone sang her praises. The end. Sure, the town smelled like horses for a few days, but it was a neat little thing in the monotony of small town life. This year, however, it was nothing but a pain. For starters, gone was her cute little raccoon hat. She had to wear a full period dress, complete with all the layers. She was wearing one of those vest things that had string keeping it together at her cleavage, with the poofy dress underneath it, which, combined with her blonde hair and elegant stance, gave her the semblance of being the town beauty that was fought over in old Westerns. While she totally was the town beauty, it was not cute enough to justify wearing three goddamn layers in the unholy weather they were having. It was a hundred degrees out, and rather than be in her mansion, AC cranked up, she had to stand outside all day, looking pretty. Which led her to her bigger problem.

It seemed that, this year, the town had decided it would be fun to move centuries back both aesthetically and socially. This year, there was an event called the "Manly Man Contest" for all the young, able men of the town. Whoever could win the events of the day and prove his manliness would be awarded with a kiss and a date from Gravity Fall's most prominent bachelorette: her. So now every hormone-ridden teenage boy was lined up to win her entirely unwilling affection. She scanned the crowd that was gathering where the contestant sign-up was. She was unsurprised to see Brad in the crowd. In her brief glance over, she also saw a maroon shirt. She did a double take. It couldn't be... but sure enough, signing at the booth was the unruly mop of brown hair that could only belong to Dipper Pines.

Her brain malfunctioned. What was he doing here? Could he actually want to… No, that was dumb. They were just friends. But what if this was how he decided to ask her out? Wait, hold on, there was no way in hell Dipper Pines had the mettle to do anything so flashy for a confession. He was the kind of sap who would awkwardly hand her a letter the moment he worked up the courage to do so. Whatever he was here for, it wasn't that. Whoo, momentary crisis averted. She took a moment to calm herself. That being resolved, why was he here? She had complained about the contest to Mabel, and logically, that meant Dipper knew about it as well. So why? Maybe one of the other guys had antagonized him into proving his manliness. That seemed like it would happen.

She went over the options in her head. She could A) Make a huge fuss and walk down, grab him out of the crowd, and ask him what he was doing, B) Pull out her phone and text him, which as basically the mascot of Pioneer Day, would also cause a huge fuss or C) Be stuck out of the loop and sit there wondering what the hell he was doing. As much as it sucked, she had to resign herself to the last option.

Dipper, in a shocking turn of events, felt extremely awkward. He had signed up for this "Manly Man Contest" as per Mabel's request, and now was just sort of floating next to the booth, attempting to ignore the fact that he was a totally new face in a group of guys who clearly knew each other. This was already a clearly awkward situation, and yet it was further exaggerated by the fact that Pacifica, from her little seat on stage, was glaring holes into his head. Why? He had no idea. Did she just not believe that he was here, signing up for a manliness contest? Hurtful, but possible. Was she embarrassed about her outfit? Sure, she looked like she belonged on Mount Vernon, but it's not like it looked bad on her either. Well, regardless of the reason, it didn't change the fact that she was staring at him, and it made him feel even more awkward than he already did. He decided to check his phone in order to hopefully look like he was doing something. He stared at the last screen he had looked at: his text history with Mabel.

Hey can you do a teensy favor for me while you're in town?

What is it?

There's this manliness contest, and I really want the prize, but I can't because it's guys only. Could you win it for me?

What kind of prize could you possibly want from a manliness contest?

I don't want to say, because you'll think it's dumb, and then you won't try as hard to get it. And now you're curious about it, so you're doubly likely to say yes.

...Fair enough. I'll get you your apparently stupid thing.

Thank you! :DDD

"Hey, you must be new in town," a voice observed. "Pulling out your phone in public on Pioneer Day is a lot more trouble than its worth. The old timers like to make a scene."

Dipper looked up to see the voice was right next to him. "Huh? Oh right. Shit." He hastily stuffed his phone back in his pocket.

"Name's Brad," Brad introduced, holding out his hand.

Dipper gave Brad a quick once over. Blonde hair, defined jaw, and blue eyes. They were the same height, but his better muscular build and posture made him seem a lot bigger than Dipper. If this were a 90's movie, Brad would be the jock protagonist, while Dipper would be the nerdy sidekick. "Dipper," he responded, trying not to wince at Brand's overly firm handshake. Seriously, why was that a thing? Who decided that crushing somebody else's hand upon greeting was the sign of a respectable human being?

Brad raised an eyebrow at the name but said nothing. "Folks drag you up here to see the Mystery Shack?" he asked. "That's usually why people come around."

"Oh no, I actually live there. I'm staying with my uncle," Dipper said.

Brad raised both eyebrows. "Wait, you're one of those Pines kids?"

Dipper nodded, not liking Brad's tone of voice. Brad started chuckling to himself. "Buddy, I respect your optimism, but you are way out of your league here. Trust me, man, literally everyone else has a better chance than you."

Dipper bristled. That was going a little far. Brad certainly was a bit better built than he was, but it's not like he was physically wimpy anymore either. He certainly wasn't the least manly person there.

"Here, let's get one thing straight," Brad said, wrapping his arm around Dipper's shoulders. Dipper felt indignant at the clear breach of his personal space. "You see Pacifica, up there on that stage? She's my girl, pal. Ain't nothing you can do about that."

Now Dipper just felt confused. While maintaining a successful romantic life was a sign of manliness, he wasn't quite sure how that would factor into this physical competition. Let alone its lack of context, Dipper wasn't even sure it was true. Their personalities seemed to clash incredibly. Then again, he really didn't know anything about Pacifica's social life. It's not like they had ever talked about that sort of thing. For all he knew, they had been going steady for years.

Brad clapped him on the shoulder. "It takes guts for you to come out here like this, but you don't have a chance here, Pines. How about you go home before you embarrass yourself?"

"I'm good, thanks," Dipper responded curtly.

Brad withdrew his arm. "Have it your way," he said, shrugging. He walked off back to his gang of friends. Dipper watched him go. The idea of Pacifica dating that guy was… not right. He wanted to make sure. He stared at Pacifica, making sure they made eye contact. He pointed at her, then to Brad, then formed a heart with his hands, making his facial expression look as skeptical as possible. He saw her eyes widen, and she shook her head vigorously.

Okay, so his friend wasn't dating an ass. That was a relief.

"Contestants! Please, line yourselves up at ye old starting line!" the announcer called out.

The parade of guys filed over to the giant "START" banner that led down the street. "Alright, contestants, I hope you're ready to compete in the toughest pentathlon in the history of man!"

Dipper's eyes widened. What? Did that guy just say "pentathlon"?

"Yes, I did just say pentathlon!" The guy continued. "You will be going through five arduous stations, each different and more difficult than the last! And for those who are thinking that this is too much, let me remind you that you're not just competing for honor!"

A huge cheer came up from the crowd. Dipper looked around. Seriously, what was this prize, and why did everyone want it? And more importantly, how had nobody actually said what it was? "I can see you're all excited! Well, I'm sure that energy will do you well in the mile you're about to run! Go!"

And just like that, Dipper was suddenly caught in a flowing stream of people, heading on the race of a lifetime.

An hour later, Dipper sincerely believed it was the race of a lifetime, because it would probably kill him. A mile run, then he had to bike, swim, and now, he was scaling a rock wall. He had fallen to the middle of the pack during the swim, and was certainly not gaining any ground on this climb. As he reached the top, he grimaced, wondering what horrors awaited him in the fifth station. He pulled himself over the top of the cliff, and saw a bunch of people just scattered about around a stall. Huh, not quite what he had been expecting. The unexpected was Gravity Falls' specialty, he supposed. The people from the rock climbing place helped him up and removed his harness. He walked over to the booth and saw a familiar face. Well, it was mostly a familiar beard.

"McGucket?!" Dipper exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"Howdy, Dipper! I'm mannin' this here stall!" McGucket hollered from the stall that he was evidently manning. "You ready to solve a cipher?"

"Uh, yeah, but why am I solving a cipher exactly?"

"Well, it's Pioneer Day, ain't it? We gotta pay respects to our history. And ain't nuttin' more important about Gravity Falls' past than the supernatural and secrets! As the only real expert on the subject who doesn't hate this day and still has their proper identity, I was asked to take charge of this here station!"

"Can't argue with that," Dipper said. "Certainly not going to complain either, I might actually win this thing now." Seriously, what were the odds? This pentathlon sudden;y ending in a trial of brains. Looks like Lady Luck was on his side for once.

"Here you go!" McGucket said, handing him a piece of paper. It was written like a regular sentence, but where there would have been letters, there were symbols. Symbols he had never seen before. So the puzzle here wasn't some pre-existing symbols, it was a completely new code that had to be figured out from scratch. He smiled. And he had thought today wasn't going to be fun.

Alright, so the most common letter in English was "e". Probability said that the most common symbol on the parchment would translate to "e". He looked at the paper. There was a four-letter word that had the "e" symbol in the second and fourth letters. That meant the third letter was "r", and the first would either be "h" or "w". He plugged in all of those where their symbols were, and attempted to figure out other words based on those. A series of educated guesses later, he believed he had the answer. "Here is the secret to achieve all happiness," Dipper read. "Drink Pitt Cola."

"They sponsored the event!" McGucket explained. "Also, that's correct!" He pulled a cowbell out of his beard and started ringing it. "Yeehaw, folks! We got ourselves a winner! Everyone head back to the main stage!"

McGucket led them back to the main street like a shepherd would for his sheep. If a shepherd had an obnoxiously loud bell and was constantly yelling "Yeehaw!", at least.

Along the way back, Dipper felt distinctly uncomfortable. He was walking alongside McGucket, which meant that he was at the front of the pack, separated from the rest of the contestants. He could hear them all talking, and their murmuring didn't seem to have a super pleasant tone. He couldn't help but think that they were all talking about him. He recalled Sheriff Blubbs' initial dislike of him as a "city boy". It was very possible that the rest of these guys probably felt the same way about him showing them up. He was starting to think that whatever this thing Mabel wanted might not be worth it. In order to take his mind off of it, he turned towards McGucket.

"So McGucket, how have you been?" he asked.

"Oh good, good," McGucket responded. "Well, mah bank's been giving me some trouble about the house, some of my death machines weren't up to 'fire code'. But other than that, I've been feeling plum skippy! "

"You own a house?!" Dipper asked.

"Yup! Turns out, making incredible inventions every week can be profitable! Who knew? Bought myself a nice little house real close to the lake, so I can visit Tate, and I've been movin' all my lab stuff back to my ol' place in the dumps!"

Dipper smiled. "Things are really coming up McGucket, huh?"

"Boy, are they! 'Course, I couldn'ta done it without you and your sister! Mighty grateful for that!"

Dipper waved his hand. "Well, I mean, it really wasn't. You handled all the difficult stuff."

"Sure, but fact is, if you two hadn'ta helped me out, I'd still be some crazy old coot living in the dump. Now I'm a crazy old coot living in a house!"

Dipper laughed. "Well, that's good to hear."

They stood there for a moment.

"So, how have you been doing?" McGucket asked.

"Oh, well, Grunkle Stan got me my own personal Journal for my birthday," Dipper explained, showing it to McGucket who looked at it warily. "So I've been running around trying to get some stuff Grunkle Ford hasn't."

"Alrighty then! Just make sure you don't become horribly obsessive and let the work consume you to the point where you're casting aside everyone who cares for you in a paranoid, borderline-insane effort to complete it!" McGucket responded cheerfully.

"Uh… yeah… I've been keeping it in mind," Dipper responded, significantly less cheerfully.

"Oh, speaking of Ford, gotten him to agree to speak to me yet?"

Dipper shook his head. "I mentioned you this morning, but he distracted me with science."

McGucket snapped his fingers. "He did always have some new gadget just in time for tough conversations," he muttered. "Well, he's a tough nut to crack, particularly when he's set on sumthin'. Thanks for tryin', though, Dipper. I'll figure somethin' out, I'm sure."

"We'll figure something out," Dipper corrected. "I'm more than happy to help."

McGucket stared at him for a moment, then smiled brightly. "Boy howdy, thanks Dipper! Sure means a lot to know I still gots some friends I can count on!"

"Yeah, 'course you do," Dipper said, smiling back.

Brad eyed the Pines kid, smiling and chatting it up with the old homeless guy. Everyone in Gravity Falls knew about the Pines family. They had exposed that creep Gideon Gleeful, and were really heavily involved in the weird shit that happened around town. Most famously, they were the family that ran the Mystery Shack, the dumbest thing in town. A bunch of really weird taxidermy stuff, and the weird old man who spent all day making them. All in all, the Pines were just weird. Brad shook his head. If Pines seriously thought he had a chance with a classy girl like Pacifica, he was out of his mind. Some guys just didn't have a clue, he supposed.

They got back to the main street, and McGucket gestured to Dipper. "We have a winner!"

The crowd cheered and McGucket pushed him in direction of the stage, where he saw the Northwest family. Oh God, he had to stand up on stage? He stepped on to the stage tenderly. Oh man, a lot of people were looking at him. This sucked. He was really gross and sweaty too. Why did he have to be put on spectacle like this? Pacifica was still glaring holes into his head, too. Mr. and Mrs. Northwest were sizing him up as well. He looked back at them, straightening up his back. He wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of seeing him nervous.

Dipper made his way up to the podium somewhat reluctantly. Northwest clapped him on the shoulder. That was awfully friendly, considering their last interaction. Did he not recognize him? "The victor of our competition has made his way through several challenges, all for the reward of a date with our fair town's lovely Pacifica!"

WHAT?! Dipper's mind was whirring. Why would the prize be- That would mean- Suddenly a lot of the things Brad had been saying were making a lot more sense. He had to go on a date with Pacifica? Well, it didn't have to be a date, they could just go for lunch or something or, oh God, did she think he waned to go on a date with her? How was he going to clear that up? He must seem super creepy right now. This was going to be a terrible day.

Pacifica watched with some amusement as Dipper silently panicked while her father was talking. So he clearly didn't know what was going on. While comforting he had no idea that he was trying to win a date with her, it simply begged the question of what was his motivation in the first place. Still, she felt slightly irked by his expression. A date with her shouldn't be that much of a calamity.

"So, my boy, can you tell us your name?"

Dipper blinked and stared at the microphone that was now angled toward its face. So Northwest didn't recognize him. Well, at the very least, this would be funny. He leaned into the mic. "Dipper Pines."

Northwest's reaction was everything he could have hoped for. His eyes bugged out, his mustache warped into a frown, and his grip on the mic tightened considerably. He gave a quick cough, and he was back to normal. Dipper's grin became slightly more genuine. It was nice to knock that cocky expression off his face, even if it were for a second.

"Well 'Dipper', I'm sure you have a simply illustrious date for my daughter planned out. Care to share where you plan on taking her?"

Aw crap. Guess he had to do more than smile. People were staring at him. He needed to think of an answer and fast. The only actual restaurant he knew in Gravity Falls was Greasy's Diner, though. What was more embarrassing, Greasy's Diner or saying "that one seafood place"? Crap, a moment had passed. He needed to answer. "Greasy's Diner," was the answer he blurted out. There was a collective, disapproving murmur from the audience.

"Well, not the choice most would pick, but to be fair, did any of us expect a Pines to do things the acceptable way?" Northwest joked.

That got a laugh. Dipper's face got redder, both from embarrassment and indignation. The Pines weren't exactly normal, sure, but that didn't warrant being the butt of a joke. Still, he kept his mouth shut. He wasn't about to make a bigger fool of himself by arguing a joke.

"Now, that concludes the contest. Remember to celebrate the sacrifices made by our, but specifically my, ancestors to make such events possible!" Northwest continued, edging off the stage, clearly attempting to get everyone to leave.

"Hey!" one of the townspeople yelled. "We were promised a kiss!"

Dipper reeled back. They were promised a what?

"Yeah!" another one yelled."We want to see a kiss!"

Even Mayor Cutebiker got into it, starting a chant of "Kiss 'em! Kiss 'em!"

Dipper had thought this before, but the lengths to which these people would go to amuse themselves were truly terrifying.

"Well, looks like we can't get out of this one," Pacifica remarked. "Can't afford to lose the respect of the townspeople."

"We can afford to lose it and buy it back three times over, dear," Northwest stage-whispered. "I will not have my daughter be associated with the riff-raff."

"A penny saved is a penny earned, Dad," Pacifica recalled. She tried to get her little acts of rebellion in when she could. Granted, kissing Dipper wasn't really on her wishlist, but it's not like there were any negatives about it. He, unlike the rest of the guys her age, probably wouldn't expect much after it. "Let's get this over with, Pines."

"Fine, whatever," Dipper muttered. He was all for riling up Mr. Northwest, which he imagined was Pacifica's intention as well, but still, the situation was…

"Oh my god, you are so embarrassed," Pacifica said, making no effort to hide the amusement in her voice. Getting one in on her dad and publicly humiliating Dipper. Pioneer day had done a total 180.

"Shut up," Dipper grumbled, leaning slightly forward and turning his cheek towards her. He looked at the sky above the audience, adamantly refusing to look at them.

Pacifica inwardly smiled. Such a gentleman. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek, to uproarious applause. These people really needed to find something to do with their lives. "That's all for Pioneer Day, everybody!" she cheered, resisting the urge to wipe her mouth. Dipper's face had been pretty dirty and very sweaty. "Thank you all for coming!"

Dipper almost flew off the stage in his efforts to get out of sight. His mind was whirring. What just happened? That had to have been some new form of torture, some elaborate prank Grunkle Stan concocted. He went walked behind the stage, hoping to take the side route back home and avoid seeing anyone, hopefully for the rest of his life. He suddenly felt an arm wrap around his shoulders. Well, that plan already failed. He looked over to see Brad's face staring at him. Oh sweet Moses he did not need to deal with this guy going off on him. Please anything but-

"I was wrong about you, Pines."

"What?" Dipper asked. The day refused to get less confusing.

"I respect you. You wanted to prove you were no pushover, not just another weirdo from the Shitty Shack, so you joined the contest. But you also didn't want to put another guy out, make a move on his girl. I mean, c'mon, a kiss on the cheek? Greasy's Diner? You're doing the bare minimum just to show you mean no harm. You don't take shit from anyone, but you don't start shit with anyone either. I like that about you, Pines."

"That really wasn't-"

Brad laughed, and jostled Dipper in a manner that seemed to denote they were much closer than they actually were. "You don't have to play dumb with me, man. I got you figured out! You're a real good guy, Pines."

"I mean thanks, but-"

"Hey, me and the guys are all hitting Yumberjack's right now, how about you come with? Introduce yourself, get to know people who don't spend their day making fake tourist traps?"

"I'm sure he'd love to," Pacifica's voice emanated from behind them. "But I need to have a discussion with Dipper about suitable venues for a date with a lady."

Brad whistled -Dipper would have preferred if it weren't directly into his ear- and winked at Dipper. "Looks like P's got you in the doghouse. Don't worry man, I'll put in a good word for you once she's simmered down a little." He clapped him on the shoulder and sauntered off.

"Don't call me P," Pacifica ordered.

He turned around to face them. "Sure thing, P," he called back, grinning like he had just said the funniest goddamn thing.

Dipper watched, awestruck, as he turned the corner. He couldn't afford to ruminate on what went on in Brad's head though. He turned around to face Pacifica. "Look, uh- I'm not, I didn't mean to-"

"Oh, trust me, I gathered. You looked like you swallowed a goldfish when you found out the prize. I was hoping I could ask you about that. How and why did you enter a competition without even knowing what the prize was? The fliers are all over town."

"I didn't even know about the contest until-" He stopped. A giant mental gong had just been rung in his head. "Excuse me for a moment."

Dipper immediately set off at a brisk pace towards the now dispersing crowd. Pacifica, very surprised by his sudden change in demeanor, set off after him. "What are you doing? We're still talking."

"Gotta check something real quick," Dipper replied, scanning the street. "Let me know if you see Candy or Grenda."

"Why on Earth would Mabel's friends be here?"

"Because Mabel's working on a commission today, so she can't be here."

"Okay, why does one of them have to be here?"

"Because-" Dipper stopped when he spotted Candy making her way up the street. And she was on her phone. Dipper picked up his pace, getting angrier and angrier as the pieces fell into place. Pacifica kept pace behind him, feeling extremely bemused. First of all, Dipper was ignoring her. Nobody ignored her. Secondly, the last time she had seen Dipper this angry was when she had tricked him into getting rid of their ghost. It honestly made her a little worried.

Dipper walked up to Candy. "Hey, Candy."

Candy jumped and hurriedly shoved her phone in her pocket. Clearly she was not one for espionage.

"H-hey, Dipper," she stammered. "What a surprise to see you here."

"Somehow I doubt that," Dipper responded. "What's up with your phone?"

"Oh you know, uhm, just, very protective of it. Privacy is important in this age of information."

"You are absolutely right," Dipper agreed, glaring at her. "Privacy is very important."

He continued to glare at her as she got increasingly uncomfortable. After a few moments, she cracked.

"I'm sorry!" she squeaked. "I already sent it to Mabel!"

"God dammit!" Dipper cursed, immediately sprinting off towards the hill.

"Dipper!" Pacifica called after him.

"Sorry!" he called back. "No time to explain! Talk later!"

Candy chuckled awkwardly. "Yes, no time indeed. Well it was lovely to see you, I think I shall take my leave as well."

"Yeah, no," Pacifica responded, stretching out her hand. "Show me what's on your phone."

"I do not have to," Candy said. "You are not the law."

Pacifica smiled a very dangerous smile. "Candy, we both know that's really not true. Now, if you want to enjoy the rest of high school, let me see what got Dipper so worked up."

Candy resignedly pulled out her phone and opened the lock, handing it to Pacifica. Pacifica grabbed it, looked at it it, and... it was a picture of her kissing Dipper on the cheek.

"Candy," Pacifica said, voice suddenly venomous. "Why do you have a picture of this?"

"Mabel asked me to take it!"

"And why would Mabel want it?"

"She secretly believes you two could date and wanted to get started on scrapbook opportunities!" Candy continued. She probably shouldn't be saying all this, but Pacifica was not to be trifled with.

Pacifica contemplated that information. That was certainly a surprise. Mabel had always been a matchmaker, but her and Dipper? Come to think of it, Mabel had been mentioning Dipper a lot more in conversation. And had a keen interest in her love life. They needed to have a talk about that. First thing's first though. "Candy, you are going to delete that picture. You are going to delete the message you sent of that picture. And I really don't think I have to say this, but if I see that photo anywhere ever again, I will personally make sure your life is an absolute nightmare. Am I clear?"

"C-crystal."

"Excellent. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be returning to my home in order to give your boss a piece of my mind as well." Pacifica strode off. Candy watched her go, releasing her held breath. She honestly had no idea those two could be so scary.


"I can't believe I trusted you! After all the time we've been together, you're just going to manipulate me like that?! What's wrong with you? Don't you have any shame?!"

The brunette merely sat in silence, absorbing the anger with which the other spoke.

"Grunkle Stan, I really don't think the documentary can hear you."

"It doesn't have to, Dipper! It knows what it did!"

Dipper and Grunkle Stan were seated in the living room, Stan angrily glaring at the credits of his nature documentary and Dipper finalizing the notes on the Lilliputtians. "And, uh, what did it do exactly?"

"Three hours, Dipper. I watched a documentary on the rainforest for three God-forsaken hours and not one thing, one single thing, got eaten! How can they get away with that?"

"Seriously? Everything in the rainforest has a mouth. How did they not get something being eaten?"

"I mean, even if ya can't find anything natural, throw the boom guy into a giant Venus flytrap or somethin'! You gotta improvise! It's one of the golden rules of entertainment! Amateurs."

"I really don't think they would be willing to murder someone for the sake of five seconds of violent amusement, especially since documentaries aren't really focused on entertainment value."

"Everything's focused on entertainment value, Dipper. In this fancy new age of having every little thing at your fingertips, there's no audience in having something that's interesting or factual. You gotta keep 'em hooked with something they can't see anywhere else, something unique. I figured these clowns would at least know that! Ugh, can't believe I wasted three hours learning things."

"You never cease to surprise me, Grunkle Stan."

"Of course not, that's why I'm still the biggest thing in Oregon," Stan replied with no hesitation. "Speaking of surprising, though, what had you so steamed when you got back earlier?"

"Oh, that?" Dipper said. "Remember when Mabel tricked you into climbing the water tower?"

"Hard to forget."

"Yeah, she tried to do a similar thing with me today. Didn't go quite as well."

"Ah, gotcha. You guys, uh, you guys doin' alright?"

"Well, she promised not to make me do things without me at least knowing what they are, and she properly explained her reasoning behind why she did it, so, y'know, the issue's pretty resolved."

"Good," Stan replied, relieved. "Between you and me, I was kind of worried that you two would go down the 'me and Ford' route."

"We're trying our best to avoid that as much as we can," Dipper acknowledged. "Still, it gets harder and harder."

"Course it does," Stan replied. "You're two different people, getting more and more different everyday. People change every day. Three hours ago, we both believed that nature documentaries still had the common decency to make sure something would get eaten by the end. Mabel and Ford still have that belief. Do we let Mabel and Ford's faith in the film industry convince us it deserves a second chance? Do we show them how naive they are? Do we simply agree that everyone has different opinions, and carry on with our lives? Or do we bottle up our resentment over this difference until we accidentally banish them to a different dimension for 30-odd years? That's the decision that really matters. Not how different your opinions on nature documentaries are, but how you bridge that difference."

"You're really pushing the nature documentary analogy, huh?"

"I spent three goddamn hours watching it. I'm gonna make it useful for something."

They sat in silence for a moment, Dipper contemplating what was said, Stan flipping through the channels. "Thanks, Grunkle Stan."

"No problem. You know I want the best for you two, right?"

"Yeah, I know."

"Great. Now go build yourself some character. The giant bat's under the sink again."

Dipper sighed and closed his journal. He was pretty much done anyway. "Yeah, sure thing."

Stan flipped through the channels as Dipper crossed his field of view. He watched through his peripheral as Dipper entered the kitchen. Three, two, one…

"AAAAGGH! WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME IT HAD BABIES DOWN HERE!? AND WHY ARE THEY EVEN MORE AGGRESSIVE?!"

Stan grinned to himself. He wasn't about to let the kid know how much he actually loved him. That, and hearing him freak out was pretty hilarious.

"HOW ARE THEIR TEETH THIS SHARP?!"


To: Mabel

6/15/16 5:22 PM

Pacifica: So I have a variety of requests for you.

Mabel: Hit me.

P: 1) Don't try to hook me up with your brother. 2) Get lackeys that can actually keep a secret. 3) Delete that picture.

M: 1) No, the 1st Amendment protects me on this. 2) Also no, Candy tried her best and that's what matters, and 3) Why?

P: I have an image and reputation to uphold, and a picture of me kissing a random guy is not conducive to either of those things.

M: It's not like I was gonna post it where anyone could see it. I was just going to keep it for my scrapbook and then if you two ever got married, I would put it in a slideshow at your reception and label it "Their first kiss" and everyone would go "Awww" and it would be great.

P: I feel like it isn't normal to have fantasies about your friends marrying your brother. Why do you even want this to happen so badly?

M: You two are so grumpy all the time, but then, when you're with each other, you're usually not grumpy, so, I'm just trying to make you as not grumpy as possible.

P: I'm not grumpy when I'm with you, either, but that doesn't mean we should start playing for the other team.

M: OF course you're not grumpy when you're with me. No one is. I'm walking, talking joy. But you guys specifically make each other not grumpy, and then I'm free to make someone else not grumpy. You guys getting together would literally ensure maximum happiness. Doesn't that sound awesome?

P: Or I could find a form of inner peace that doesn't rely on someone else.

M: Look, Pacifica, you need somebody. Everyone needs somebody. Somebody to trust yourself with. Somebody who can help you lift the weight of the world. They don't have to be romantically involved. But they do have to be there. And trust me on this, Dipper is pretty good at being that somebody.

P: You got really serious really fast.


AN: Wow, it has been a full year. That's... that's not great. I apologize for the long hiatus. Been dealing with life stuff, been writing a bunch of other stuff, and been trying to outline this stuff, so that I know where everything's going. Well, after a year, I've got my life figured out enough that I'm confident in starting this up again. I've got a plan, got a schedule, and most importantly, got this chapter out. Now things can really get going. Next time, we have Dipper and Pacifica's not-a-date. So stay tooned for that! It feels really good to type that again.