A Very Castle Christmas

Chapter Nine

"Get it together, Beckett," Kate says firmly, meeting her determined eyes in her reflection in the mirror. She has escaped to the bathroom, needing a minute to breathe and regroup while Castle is at her desk, waiting to talk to her.

He had cornered her earlier, asking her what was wrong. She had told him that she still wasn't feeling 100% and hadn't slept well. That last part wasn't a lie. She had slept horribly, waking up several times throughout the night. Unfortunately her day isn't going any better. She hates this; feeling on edge around Castle, avoiding his eyes so that he won't see the barely concealed panic, filling every spare minute with busywork. It's a feeling she remembers all too well. How she had felt so torn up inside. Wanting to be with Castle so badly that she couldn't think straight, but being afraid to act on it. She had hoped that all of that was behind her. It obviously wasn't. But this time was going to be different. This time, she was determined not to let it keep her from being with him. At least that is what she tells herself, and the brief pep talk works. She feels much more in control as she leaves the bathroom, walks over and joins him.

"So, what did you need to talk to me about, Castle?" she asks as she slides into her chair.

"Kate, would you go out with me? You know, on a date."

"A date?" she asks loudly. She lowers her voice as they glance around cautiously to make sure no one heard her impulsive outburst. She's confused by his question. "Castle, what are you talking about?"

"I'm asking you out on a date. You know, dinner. Dancing. It occurred to me that we've never really gone out for a date."

"What? Of course we have."

"No, actually we haven't. We kind of skipped the dating thing. I mean, we've had… 'sleepovers,'" he says as he leans in and lowers his voice even more. "And you've been to my place in the Hampton's, but we've never gone a real date."

Of course he's right, she realizes. They had gone out before as friends, but they had completely skipped the actual dating phase of their relationship. Normally, a date with Castle would sound great. But now, being with him makes her anxious, and her immediate impulse is to tell him no. Of course, avoiding him isn't going to make the situation go away, and she can tell how excited he is. So she pushes her fear aside and tells him that of course, she would love to go out with him.


"Castle, is that a…"

"Yep," he says as he steps passed her, "it's a Christmas tree." It's not very big, less than 3 feet tall, but he figures it's better than nothing. He carries it over to the corner of her living room and sets it down. He plugs in the lights that are already wrapped around the tree and they begin to blink cheerily in the semi-darkness.

"You got me a Christmas tree?"

"Well, you didn't have one, so I- Hey, are you okay?" he asks, alarmed when he sees that she appears to be blinking back tears.

"Yeah. I'm fine," she says as she smiles reassuringly. "Thank you, Castle."

"You're very welcome. Are you about ready? We have reservations at 7:00."

Thirty minutes later, they arrive at one of New York's more upscale restaurants. He had had to pull some major strings to get a reservation on such short notice, but decides that it was well worth it when he sees her eyes light up when they walk in.

As soon as they are seated, he reaches over and takes her hand. "Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight, Ms. Beckett?"

She smiles and rubs her hand over his. "You clean up pretty good yourself, Mr. Castle. And this place is amazing!"

"I thought you'd like it. This is one of Alexis' favorite restaurants. She told me to tell you that you need to save room for dessert. The Tiramisu is to die for."

Remembering the ultimate purpose of their date, he laces his fingers with hers and says, "You know how much you mean to me, don't you Kate?" He is surprised when her smile disappears as she pulls her hand away. But then she casually picks up the menu, and he relaxes, choosing to ignore the faint unease he feels at her lack of response.

They discuss menu options for several minutes, until the waiter finally arrives and takes their order. When he leaves, Castle stands up and holds out his hand to her. "Dance with me?"

After an almost imperceptible pause, she takes his hand and he leads her to the dance floor, pulling her into his arms. He wasn't just being polite when he had told her that she looked beautiful earlier. Of course, she is one of those women who looks beautiful in plain jeans and a t-shirt. But tonight she looks truly stunning, her skin luminous against the silky black dress she is wearing. He is especially fond of the fact that it is essentially backless, and as they move slowly to the music, he rubs his hands in small circles on her bare back, pushing her body as close to his as he can, reveling in the feel of her in his arms. Halfway through the song, he pulls back, just enough so that he can see her face. Locking his eyes on hers, he whispers, "I love you, Kate."


Kate can see the confusion in his eyes as she stumbles, her body tensing in his arms. She forces a smile and attempts to relax, trying to hide how strongly his words have affected her. She can tell that she is unsuccessful as the confusion turns to concern, then hurt at her reaction to his words. She feels her chest tighten uncomfortably, and fears that she is about to go into a full blown panic attack. She excuses herself, leaving him standing in the middle of the dance floor, and walks quickly to the ladies room. Once there, she splashes cold water on her face as she tries to convince herself that she is going to be okay. But the fact of the matter is, she's not so sure. As she had feared, hearing him say 'I love you' touched that spot deep inside her that was still not quite ready to move forward, and once again she wishes that they could slow down and things could stay just the way they were until she was ready for more. And if that wasn't enough, she is acutely aware that she has just two days left to figure out what in the world she was going to say to him when she opens that box on Christmas Eve.

She stays in the bathroom for several minutes. When she finally feels like she can go back out and face him without making a fool of herself, she goes back to the table where Castle, and their dinner, is waiting.

The mood ruined, they both pick absently at their food, the silence broken only by polite small talk and she is relieved when dinner is finally over and they can leave. Unfortunately, the ride home is equally quiet and by the time they arrive at her apartment, she feels close to tears. She is working so hard at composing herself that it takes several seconds for her to realize that Castle is still standing in the hallway, outside of her open door.

She turns to him and she can see the hesitation in his eyes as he asks if he can come in. Her heart breaks at his words, saddened that he suddenly feels that he has to ask permission to come into her home. He doesn't deserve this, she thinks to herself. He deserves a woman who can accept his love and give it freely. Not one that runs at the first sign of commitment.

She reaches out and takes his hand, pulling him into the room. Without saying a word, she leads him into her bedroom. He stands in stunned silence as she reaches up and grabs his coat, sliding it off of his arms. When he starts to talk, she puts her hand on his mouth, preventing him from speaking. She might not be ready to say the words that he needs to hear. But maybe she can show him.