Chapter 9

She could try to lie to herself. But it would not work.

It was either death or torture, excruciating torture.

She had had inklings. The first samples taken from Megan, straight from the heart, were more effective than later ones when the stabbing did not cause her the same amount of distress.

Other tests that involved some pain beforehand showed the same results. Mix the substance with the blood, no difference. Inject the substance before, and they became more effective...

Fasting had done the same thing to Barnabas.

Discomfort and fear did have an effect.

The question is how much discomfort and fear?

The man had said torture. That was what he had been put through. While some of it might have been due to his master's sadism, still it was more pain that she was willing to inflict on either Barnabas and Megan...

She knew that Megan would not agree. She was not that self-sacrificing.

But Barnabas...

He had made her promise not to hide things from him. And he might not agree...

In which case Maggie and Joe remained stone...

Or he might agree...

And if he agreed, that meant that she had to do it...

As she had done it with Tom Jennings...

Then, it had been Roxanne's power over her making her do it.

Or was Roxanne's power an excuse she gave herself?

She had not been the most ethical doctor in the world... Even before she met Barnabas she bent the rules for the sake of "science" Not as bad as Eric Lang, but still...

She had suppressed Maggie's memory before she met Barnabas No excuse that she had been in love with him...

No, but that was Richard's memory that drove her. The idea that this unknown vampire would be another Richard...

But what excuse did she have for using her other patients as guinea pigs for drug trials? Several pharmaceutical companies had made deals with her to conduct those clinical trials. And she had done it. Not for the money, but for the scientific curiosity to see how effective the drugs were...

It had taken Dave's death to shock her into realizing how far she had gone, how she had passed the point of no return...

And now...

Did she revolt against the idea because it was torture, or because it involved Barnabas?

Yet, she had promised to bring back Maggie and Joe. Whatever it took. So had Barnabas.

Barnabas was in the middle of a religious crisis. He might go along with that if presented in the context of his new freedom to worship, something which had been forbidden him. Present it as a form of Thanksgiving.

As an atonement for what he had inflicted on Maggie and on those around her...

But could she do it?

She remembered what Kenneth told her of the early days of surgery when there were no painkillers. The patient had to be held down, sometimes strapped down, and the best the surgeon could do was be quick about it. The patients hollered a lot, but it saved their lives... Julia who had had some minor surgery done, and who had known what it was like afterwards when the pain killers wore off ,could not imagine what it had been like then. Only that she was glad for painkillers...

But she could not give Barnabas any painkillers. He had to be in pain. And fearful, too.

But she could give him the painkiller afterwards...

After she had heard him scream and whimper...

She had betrayed Maggie once. Yes, it had worked out for the best.

But she had betrayed her. She had manipulated a patient entrusted to her care...

So this was her punishment for her ethical lasses?

She could not do it.

No, not Barnabas...

But it was for his sake that she had done what she had done...

A comfortable lie. She had betrayed Maggie already when she met him. He had many things to reproach himself for, but not this. It was not for his sake that he had done it. It was for her own psychological needs...

It would be nice if she could use this to punish him for some of the things he had done tot her... She had a list of grievances... She could make him pay...

She could rationalize what she was doing to him as well deserved punishment...

And her own punishment for her own ethical lapses...

How much pain did she have to inflict? Should she start slow, making sure that she did not inflict more pain than it was needed?

Or go hard from the start? It would be more brutal, but it would take less time... And in this, the les the time it took the better.

So what could be quick and brutal?

A blowtorch?

But he had to tell him. It had to be his decision, not hers.


Carolyn and Roger were fussing over Eliot. Roger sighed at his son's irresponsibility, while Carolyn held the bottle of prepared formula. She was finally getting the knack of it. And it was turning out more fun than she expected.

Edmund saw it from the distance and sighed.

"They forgot you, kid?" Adam said to him.

Edmund looked at him warily. He remembered some of the things that Uncle Roger had told him about Adam...

"Hey, it is normal. Once a baby enters the room, everyone melts. And you and I are left out. It is normal."

Edmund sighed, still looking hostilely at Adam.

You know, the kid was not so bad, Adam thought. His upbringing is a bit... weird. But then so was his own...

"You want to see my studio?" he offered. "maybe you can learn to paint there."


"Is there no other way?" Barnabas asked, trying to remain calm.

"No. I can look for it. But it comes down to it. The more the stress and fear, the more effective. I was getting results that pointed that way, and now... now this man gave us confirmation."

"I imagine that if you keep looking you will find something." George said.

"Yes. But for how long? And what if all I get is more confirmation?"

"Does it have to be extreme agony?" Barnabas tried to keep calm.

"Well, we could try stepping up from mild discomfort and getting nastier and nastier. But I think it would be better to do it as brutal and quickly as possible. the sooner it is done, the sooner it will be over."

"I... I do not know."

"I will not have to kill you. You will be able to recover."

"I take that you did not tell Megan of this." George asked.

"She is not the self-sacrificing type"

"And I am."

"You are in the middle of religious crisis. You might decide that you should. And then you owe to Maggie. As I do."

"There is no chance of Verhoff..."

"Verhoff does not want to help us. He hates me because of the help I gave Cecily and the others, so he will not cooperate."

"So it comes down to me." Barnabas said, trembling.