Chapter 9

Hi, Mom, Tris began. It's me. Tris. It's been a while hasn't? At least a year or two. In fact, I don't even know if this is your address anymore. Anyway, I thought you should know that I'm currently in America recording. As of right now, my song is #8 in the country. I just thought that maybe for once you'd see that I'm not a failure at what I do. My singing has gotten me places and isn't a waste of time. When you never believed in me, I never gave up, even though the odds were slim. But I made it.

I made it, Mom.

So am I good enough for your gold star now? Am I successful enough to make you proud? Am I acceptable enough in your book now? Am I satisfying enough so that when your friends hear me on the radio, they go "Wow, Natalie, you're daughter is so talented"?

Don't answer those questions when or if you even return my letter. I want you to sit there and think about it. Think about if I'm good enough. Think about how all the times you put me down that I got back up. Think about how now, I'm disappointed in you. Not the other way around. Not now, and not ever again.

So thank you, Natalie, for absolutely nothing.

I hope you can finally put a gold star n next to my name on the refrigerator.

-Tris

She stared at the letter as she leaned back into her chair at her apartment, satisfied with herself.

"What've you got there?"

Tris whipped around to see Tobias with a curious look on his face as he leaned against the door frame.

"Nothing," she said too-quickly. "Absolutely nothing at all."

She swiftly turned around and folded the letter, then stuffed it into the envelope. She'd already filled in the outside of it with the sending and return address. There was no going back.

"I'm going to go for a walk," she said, walking past him with the envelope in hand. "I'll be back soon."

Tobias caught up to her as she slipped her shoes on. "Can I join you?"

She shook her head. "I'd rather you didn't." Then she hurriedly opened the door, stepped out, and then shut.

She was at the elevator five seconds later, then realized how she was acting. So Tris walked back to her door and opened it, only to see Tobias standing there the exact same way he was when she left.

Tris grabbed Tobias's hands, stood on her tiptoes, and then gave him a kiss on the corner of his mouth.

And so she walked out of the door for the second time that day.

Clear my head, she thought. Yeah, right.

She didn't actually need to think. Well, she needed to think, but her mind was just completely blank to the extent of where it was impossible for her to do so.

So she just sat there in the park after she mailed the letter.

And then she continued to not think. It was peaceful.

Until she heard ringing.

"Hello?" Tris answered groggily.

"We've got news!" Christina chanted excitedly.

Tris perked up. "Okay… I'm listening."

"Shauna, Marlene, Will, and I are moving to New York City!"

Tris's jaw dropped, and she almost began to jump up and down out of excitement. "Oh my god!" she exclaimed. "Holy bollocks!"

Christina squealed. "We're living in the heart of the city, all four of us. We found reasonably priced apartments. And guess what job I've gotten."

"What?" Tris asked, containing her elation.

"National Geographic photographer!"

"Christina!"

"It's always been my dream, and now it's finally coming true. And they offered Will a job there too!"

"This is so surreal," Tris laughed.

"Surreal, but nice," Christina quoted.

"We have to watch Notting Hill when you get here," Tris demanded. "What about Mar and Shauna though? What's up with them?"

"Shauna is a curator for the Metropolitan art museum and Marlene is going to be cooking at Le Bernardin, one of the most famous restaurants in New York."

"And you guys will all be living in the same complex?"

"You bet," Christina said.

"Bollocks, this is fantastic news. Everyone I care about all in the same city. Bloody hell, Christina, I didn't realize how much I missed you all. When will you arrive here?"

"Our flight leaves tomorrow, and we'll arrive in New York at around 0500."

Tris laughed. "They say 'five o'clock' here."

"What in the bloody bollocks is that?"

She laughed again. "I don't know. But none of these knob heads know what the hundred time thing is, so I've adapted to the whole 'o'clock' thing."

"What a bunch of wankers there."

"Right?"

Christina laughed. "Okay. Well I've lots of packing to do. I'll see you tomorrow," she said eagerly.

Tris grinned. "Okay. See you tomorrow, Chrissy."

So she hung up and frantically walked home.

She was elated beyond description. Her best friends would finally be closer and they could spend more time together.

Oh, how she was thrilled.

So thrilled, that when she opened to door to Tobias's apartment, she screamed:

"My friends are moving here to New York!"

Tobias walked over to where she was standing. "What?"

"My best friends from England," she said a little more calmly, "are moving here."

His eyebrows rose and he grinned. "Wow. That's amazing."

Her cheeks hurt from smiling, but she didn't care. "I know! Oh my, I can't wait for you to meet them."

He hugged her. "I'm so happy for you. Now I can finally meet these people you always speak of. I was starting to think you had imaginary friends."

The next day, Tobias remembered the envelope tucked beneath Tris's arm and began to ask himself questions. He knew she was frustrated and annoyed and definitely didn't want to talk about it. But maybe the next day she'd be more up for it, so he decided he'd try.

Then he decided maybe not.

When they arrived home together, it was around four o'clock, and both Tris and Tobias were frustrated at themselves and each other. The day in the studio was rough. Tris was frustrated with herself because she just simply couldn't sing correctly for the life of her that day. She was frustrated with him because he was frustrated himself for not producing the song the way he imagined it. The whole aura was just frustrating and tense.

"Hey," Tobias said as they laid on the couch. "What was that letter about yesterday? You were acting like… I don't know. Like you weren't okay."

Immediately, Tris rejected the idea. She rolled her eyes and said, "I was okay. I am okay, Tobias. And quite frankly, it doesn't concern you, either." She got up and began to walk to the kitchen. Tobias followed her and watched her grab a beer.

"That's not good for your voice," Tobias pointed out. She didn't usually drink alcohol; the last time was about two months ago.

"Yeah, well, I was singing like hell today so it's not like it matters anyway."

He shook his head. "Is it because of the paparazzi? Are you stressed?"

Tris opened the cap to her beer. "Yes and yes. The letter was nothing though."

"Tris," he said, "why won't you just talk about it with me? I want you to be okay."

"God, I am okay. Just leave it alone."

Tobias sighed. "Why should I?"

"Because I asked you to. Because I'm afraid that if I start to talk about it I will absolutely break down. And if I break down, then I won't be able to get back up. Okay? Satisfying?"

He rolled his eyes. "No. Not satisfying. I don't like seeing you break down. But I can handle holding you while you do so. And I can help you get back up if you're not strong enough—which I know you are. I just want you to be okay."

"I'm perfectly fine, Tobias!" she said frustratedly. "Just… just go and—and suck a dick. Yeah. Suck a bloody motherfuckering bellend."

Tris wasn't drunk, no. She'd only had a mere two sips of beer. She was just hysterical and joked when she acted like everything was okay. And obviously she'd brought out her roots when she was mad.

Tobias almost chuckled. "Funny. Real funny, Prior. Messing around when you're actually falling apart."

She smirked. "Anything to keep from doing so."

Tobias shook his head, giving up. "Okay, Tris."

"You know what, I don't even give a bloody—"

And a familiar ring occurred.

"What?" Tris said harshly. "Oh. Sorry, Chris. Yeah. Oh my god, I totally forgot. Yes. I'll get there as soon as possible."

Tris sighed, silent.

"I have to meet Christina at the airport. You'll meet her tomorrow. As for seeing you later, I won't. When I get home it'll probably be around 1900—I mean, nine o'clock," she corrected herself. "Anyway, I'll be spending the night at my own place for the night. I'll probably be up writing most of the night."

Tobias would've laughed if it wasn't for the mood; he always found it adorable when she used a non-American term.

"Okay. I guess I'll see you at the studio tomorrow then," Tobias said.

"Okay then," Tris replied.

"Fine."

"Whatever," she retorted.

"Bye."

"Bye."

Then a slam! of the door and a click! of it locking in place.

Tobias stood there, still, then leaned against the wall. And he stood there for a while, just like that.


When Tris arrived home that night, she was exhausted. Yet, she didn't go to bed. She changed into just underwear and one of Tobias's old giant t-shirts. It smelled of him; like a fresh mint leaf. After she'd changed, she walked over to her desk. She wrote every single song at that exact desk with that exact lamp over her head. She preferred no sunlight or ceiling light. Just a small reading lamp on her desk. She basked in the dark when she wrote these songs.

So she sharpened a new pencil, got out her journal full of songs, and turned on her keyboard.

She created a wonderful tune on the piano, then realized she couldn't for the life her produce any lyrics to go along with it.

Absolutely none.

And so she sat there at that godforsaken desk and overhead light and keyboard, just taunting her.

And then it clicked. The chorus finally clicked with her.

"And as I sit here in your old t-shirt,

I try to wrap my head around why

you would give me all of this hurt

And so I look for the answer in the sky

And when I find no answer there

I don't know why I was so surprised

Because I know inside

Because I know inside

you're the only one who can make the pain subside"

Tris grinned. She knew what the song wold be about. And she was thrilled.

She sang the chorus, and it sounded wonderfully. Then she began to write the beginning of it.

"It all started out with my aching pain

That you tried to cure with the Mary Jane

But surprise

Your love was the drug

That got me high

Got me high

Got me high

Yeah my heart was poundin' through my chest

The very first time you got me to undress

Yeah my life was a mess until you took away my hardships

All with a little simple kiss

And now I admit

Now I admit

You've become my mess

[chorus]"

Tris sat there, astounded with herself. She'd written songs fast before, and this was not considered fast. This was about average. But the quality in which she wrote it was amazing. This might turn out to be one of the best she'd ever written.

So she sang again what she'd gotten so far.

Then she began to write more of the song after the chorus.

"When we got in that fight

Oh, it ruined what we had

Oh, it ruined our night

and it drove me mad

So tell me why did you hurt me

Was it just for your security?

Was it all just for good laugh?

Well I hope you at least had that

Had that

Had that

[chorus]

[piano with upcoming intense singing]

Oh, you stole the air right from my lungs

And I don't know if I want it back

Oh, and am I the one

Am I the one

Who's soul is turning black?

Am I the one?

Am I the one?

[chorus]

[soft piano]

Yeah, you stole my air

Right from my grip

And you refuse to share,

So I begin to slip

[end]

"Holy shit," Tris heard someone say. She jumped with a slight squeal.

It was just Tobias.

"Tobias, it's 0100 at night. What in the bloody hell are you doing here?"

He walked toward her. "I couldn't sleep. Not without you by my side."

Tris looked at the keys and slightly smiled.

"Was that about me?" Tobias asked softly. "The song?"

She shrugged. "Yes and no. It's about a girl with a boyfriend whom she loves dearly, but gets into a fight with that changes their lives. And, metaphorically, he's stolen her heart, which is the whole air thing, and she doesn't know if wants it back. And because he stole her air, she begins to slip away, which means she's losing who she is and must end the relationship. But in part two of the song, they work through it and end up still loving each other through everything they've gone through. And his old t-shirt helped her remind herself of that."

He grinned. "I'm sorry. About earlier. I didn't mean to pressure you or anything into telling me. It's just… I care about you. A lot. And," he said, walking closer, "you're my girl. I need you. A lot."

Tobias bent down since she was sitting in a chair and kissed her on the cheek.

"I'm sorry too. I completely understand what you meant earlier. We'll talk about it tomorrow. Everything. I promise." She stood, then gave him a light peck on the lips. "Let's go back to your bed. I'm much more used to that one than the one at my own apartment."

Next thing Tris knew, she was being swooped away, bride-style, down one floor and down the corridor to Tobias's apartment.

He set her down on the bed, crawled in next to her, then they both waited for their dreams to take them away while they held each other in their arms.