Hello all! Sorry for the long wait between updates, writing this chapter was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be so I apologize and thank you for your patience.
Hopefully the next chapter won't take as long to write. *crossing my fingers*
As always I would like to thank Amonraphoenix for he mad beta-ing skills, you are beyond awesome:)
Also I would like to thank my reviewers Dawn-Julien-Garmadon, Lauralaith, RosenMaiden7, Kimmie98, I love Kittens too, Tamaki's Haruchan, clary2008, Rascalblack12, Jaddis and Sleeping Seeker. Thank you guys so much!XD
Chapter 9
April swallowed roughly as Casey's intense blue gaze pinned her and caused her heart to thump painfully in her chest.
"April," he growled heatedly and she couldn't blame Casey for being angry and upset. She knew this was a horrible idea, but at the same time she knew that she had to do everything in her power to help Raphael; not just because she felt responsible for his current condition, but because he was her friend, and Donatello had asked for her help.
She knew Donatello would have thought about all of the possibilities and all of his options before even asking her to do this, which meant that them going along with Raphael's delusion was the best option they had for Raphael to make a full recovery.
Unfortunately, Raphael's best option might be the worst possible thing for her and Casey's relationship.
"I know," she said with a hitch of emotion in her voice that betrayed her tumultuous inner thoughts. "I know it sounds...bad," Casey opened his mouth to say something but she quickly talked over him. "And yes, I know, it is bad...but Casey," she choked on his name as a sob escaped her lips. "It's my fault. I called Raph because I couldn't find the toolbox and because I called him he was distracted and he...he. He died on my couch. T-there was so much b-blood and he just stopped breathing and his heart...it just... stopped. We got him breathing again and his heart beating, but we came so, so very close to losing him. Don't you see? " she begged him with her eyes to understand as she hastily wiped away the tears that streamed down her cold cheeks.
"It wasn't your fault, April." Casey's anger melted away as he tried to console her. He gently pulled her against his chest and wrapped her in his arms and she sobbed into his shoulder. "We've been over this a million times. It was an accident, and the dude in the stolen truck who hit Raph is to blame, not you."
"Then why do I still feel like it's my fault?"She asked wretchedly as she pulled away from him, her pain and misery gathering a sliver of anger within her. "No matter how many times everyone tells me it's not my fault, it doesn't sink in and it doesn't make me feel any better. But now I have a chance to make it up to him."
"Apes, you've been making it up to Raph this entire time!" Casey protested. "You've been waiting on him hand and foot, running yourself ragged and worrying the hell out of all of us."
"So you're saying that I should have said no. That I should have told Donny that I wouldn't help him?" she asked him with bitter anger.
"Yes," Casey stated bluntly, "'Cause your guys' plan sucks." Casey's anger resurfaced as he clenched his fists together until his knuckles turned white. "You can't just pretend you're Raph's girlfriend!"
"Why not?" she shot back stubbornly.
"Because you're MY girlfriend!" Casey retorted furiously. "Unless there's somethin' you ain't tellin' me?"
April's mouth dropped open in shock. "Are you accusing me of cheating on you with Raph?" she asked with indignation.
Casey opened his mouth and seemed to think better of what he was going to say because he snapped his mouth closed gave a huff of irritation. "No," he growled. "But lyin' to Raph isn't gonna make everythin' better. I mean, what if he never gets his memories back, then what? And what if he figures out that you're lyin? That we all are?" he asked insistently. "And call me old fashioned but there is no way in hell I'm letting Raph touch you, even if he is my best bud."
"Casey," she pleaded gently as she took a careful step towards him. "I love you, you know that, but this...Raph needs my help." She took a deep steadying breath as she continued. "I need to do this and I understand your concerns because they are my concerns as well." She took another cautious step towards him.
Casey could have been made of stone for all of the warmth and understanding he was giving off at the moment. And as she stepped closer to him she could hear his teeth grinding together with anger.
She lay a tentative hand upon his arm and he didn't pull away, even though it looked as if he wanted to.
"We don't know how long it will take for Raph to get his memory back. It could only be for a few days, maybe a week-"
"Or a month, a year, or never," Casey snapped with sharp, barely restrained fury.
She winced and had to acknowledge the truth of Casey's words; as she and Raphael's brothers had shared the same concerns. "You're right," she agreed. "You're absolutely right about everything. Raph may never get his true memories back, and we will cross that bridge when we get to it," she answered her voice going from gentle to razor sharp. "Right now Raph is bedridden and has months of healing and physio ahead of him, and if we have to fight with him, trying to convince him that what he remembers isn't true, can you imagine how long it is going to take for him to get better?" She began to push her point home, not allowing Casey to get in a word in edgewise because she needed him to understand how she felt, and what needed to be done. She would never be able to forgive herself if she walked away from this and continued on with her life, pretending that her heart wasn't breaking at the thought of having to see the smile and light that finally lit Raphael's warm amber eyes turn to dust and filling with the sting of betrayal and distrust once he learned that everyone around him had lied to him. And she just couldn't do it. Her heart twisted painfully and her stomach filled with thick heavy knots of grief, and bitter guilt.
"Casey, you know Raph, probably better than any of us. How do you think he is going to react if we tell him that he suffered brain damage that affected his memory, and that what he feels for me isn't real?"she pressed wanting to hear Casey's answer because she spoke the truth; Casey did know Raphael better than any of them. She had no doubt that over the course of Casey and Raphael's friendship that there had been many secrets confided, held and shared; things she and Raphael's brothers didn't know about.
Casey opened his mouth and then shut it, apparently thinking over her question before answering. She did not allow him to finish his thought and get them in order because she needed him to agree with her.
"He was in a coma for three months and even though we know what the truth is, he doesn't. So from Raph's point of view he was involved in a horrible accident and when he wakes up he's alive, banged up, but alive, but finds out his best friend is suddenly dating his girlfriend and we are all claiming that he and I were never together. Do you see how that will seem? It will seem like we all have this big conspiracy to cover up the fact that we hooked up after Raph was on his death bed. It will look like we gave him up for dead and moved on, and now everyone is covering so that Raph doesn't go off the deep end!" she exclaimed, her breath coming out in quick short gasps as she tried and failed to keep her frustration in check, because the more she thought about the situation the more she felt as if everything was completely out of control.
For the past three months they had all been waiting; waiting for Raphael to get better, for him to get worse, for something -ANYTHING- to happen to end the seemingly endless days and nights of horrible heart destroying limbo they had been thrust into.
And now that Raphael was awake and healing, things were not only complicated, but now they had the potential to tear two best friends and a family apart if they let it.
But, in her heart, she knew she couldn't press. If Casey was dead set against their plan, then she would have no choice but to go back inside and tell her friends that she couldn't do what they needed her to do, no matter how much she wanted to. She couldn't expect Casey to just be okay with what they were asking of him. He had every right to not only be upset, but to reject what they were asking of both him and her.
And so she patiently waited for Casey to come to a decision.
He let out a huff of air and looked at her, his blue eyes as dark as a stormy sea as he studied her. "And what about us, Apes? What happens to us while you're pretendin' to be Raph's girl?" he wondered. "We lie to him, pretend you two are a thing and then when he's not looking, we sneak around behind his back?" Casey asked, his voice rising with incredulity and disgust as he asked each question.
And honestly, she didn't know how to answer his questions because she hadn't thought that far ahead. She hadn't given any thought to the actual logistics of the plan or the execution of it.
As this thought entered her brain she could feel the blood draining from her face. She knew that she wouldn't be able to do as Casey had just pointed out they would have to do. She would not be able to lie to Raphael's face and pretend she was his girlfriend and then sneak off and continue her relationship with Casey as if nothing had gone on between her and Raphael.
"There won't be anything between me and Raphael," she offered slowly, her mind trying to come up to a solution to an impossible predicament. "I know I would be playing the part of Raph's girlfriend, but there won't be anything actually going on between us. Raph has so much recovery left that he will be bedridden for at least another month, and then after that he will be exhausted from his physiotherapy, and I am hoping that Raph will have his memory back long before he even reaches that stage."
"So you want me to sit back and watch as my BEST FRIEND looks at my girl like she's his?" he asked, his voice filled with incredulity and anger. "You expect me to hope that he doesn't do anything? And what happens when Raph kisses you? You gonna let him? Or are you gonna pull back and try to make up some lame excuse 'till he figures it out anyway that there's somethin' not right?"
April's heart constricted in pain, and her stomach felt sick. She felt as if her heart was slowly being crushed and that she was going to be violently sick.
Casey was right. Casey was absolutely right.
If she acted the way Donatello wanted her to, the way she had believed she would be able to, then Raphael would figure it out. Just moments before Raphael had pulled her into him wanting the close contact of her pressed against him. If he acted this way now, after just waking up from his coma and being incredibly weak and still injured, how would he be in a few days from now? A week...a month? The more she pulled away from him the more Raphael would grow suspicious and hurt.
She bit her lip as her thoughts raced ahead. It was possible that she would be able to pretend that during the three months he was in a coma that her affections had wavered and it could give her an excuse to 'break up' with him during his recovery. But just this thought brought a bad taste to her mouth. She didn't feel equal to the task of perpetrating something that could so irrevocably damage her relationship with Raphael.
It was possible that Raphael could get his memories back in a day or two and hopefully he would be able to go forgive her for playing the part of his girlfriend, but actually pretending to be his girlfriend and then breaking up with him later...She wasn't sure if Raphael would ever be able to forgive her for that; especially if his amnesia lasted longer than a few days, or if he never got his memories back. Breaking Raphael's heart was not an option; even if it was not real to her it was very real to him.
It was a foolish plan, she realized that now, because she wouldn't be able to just pretend to be Raphael's girlfriend without actually becoming Raphael's girlfriend, even if it was only for his benefit. She couldn't keep her relationship with Casey because it would be like cheating. Even if there was no actual physical contact she knew without a doubt that Raphael would try to kiss her eventually. He would drag her back down into his arms and if she struggled, or tried to push him off, he would realize that she wasn't his.
She actually felt the ground waver slightly because she had just come to an awful, gut wrenching conclusion.
She only had two choices in front of her.
If she marched back into her apartment and told her friends that she couldn't do what they wanted her to do, and this would save her and Casey's relationship.
She knew the guys would understand. In fact, she was positive that they expected that particular outcome, and she acknowledged that this would be the easiest solution for her. But it would mean that her friends would be given the unenviable task of trying to convince Raphael -for the length of time he had his false memories- that what he felt for her wasn't real; what he remembered wasn't real, and that he had suffered brain damage. Raphael would then be heartbroken, angry, belligerent, and unmanageable. And she knew this was why Donatello had proposed what he had, to avoid this outcome. And until Raphael got his memories back, she would have no choice but to stay out of her friend's lives, because it would be too painful for Raphael to be around her.
However, if she agreed to Donatello's plan, she would lose Casey; it would destroy them. No matter how much Casey looked upon Raphael as a friend who was more of a brother to him, she knew he would not be able to step back and watch her perpetrate a fake relationship with Raphael.
Around and around her cyclical thoughts twisted and swirled, dropped and rolled. She was arguing the same thing over and over within her own head, and not able to get anywhere because all she could think of was 'If I...then...' and 'But if I...then...' over and over again, trying to find a magical third option that would make everyone happy, but could not come up with one.
Tears stung her eyes as she weighed both options and knew that neither option was the right one. They both came with their own brutal caveats and no matter which one she chose, someone was liable to get hurt and it would all be because of her.
"Maybe we should take a break." She heard the words leave her mouth before they had even fully formed within her mind.
Fear pierced her heart as she realized the weight and the consequences of her strained words, her eyes quickly seeking out his icy blue ones.
Casey's face had paled, his hands balling into renewed fists of rage and he glowered down at her. She could feel tears roll down her cheeks and they burned like twin trails of molten lava flowing down her icy cheeks.
Suddenly he was clutching at her arms, his eyes darkening to the colour of a storm swept sea at night. "Don't." That one word was sharp, insistent and rough with emotion.
"Casey-" she tried to explain but he shook his head cutting off her words.
"I know things have been...that things haven't been the best between us lately, but I love you, Apes, you know that."
"I can't," she choked out, shaking her head back and forth miserably as more tears slid down her wet cheeks. "I can't choose between you and them, I just can't."
Casey looked down at her, a pained, desperate expression on his face. "There will be rules," he ground out, giving her arms a squeeze as if to punctuate his point.
"W-what?" she stammered in confusion, her heart seemingly ceasing to beat as her lungs froze, not daring to take an intake of breath for fear of missing any of his words.
"I can't let Raph have you. But he's my best friend. No. He's more like the brother I never had and I know I need to help him. I know I need for you to help him, but I can't do it. I can't give him the girl I love, even if it's just pretend, because it's real to me," he rasped out in a hoarse, shaking voice. "But I get it. So there's gotta be rules and there's gotta be a time limit; a time when we say that it's gone on long enough and that we can't do it anymore. And Raph ain't allowed to kiss you or touch you. And I...I'll back off. We ain't on a break, but maybe if there's some space between us, and if we aren't allowed to kiss, or touch either...maybe...maybe that will help us get back what we had before," he insisted roughly, his voice overwhelmed with emotion.
As Casey finished April allowed herself to take in a deep, shuddering breath before letting it out in a slow exhalation. The knots that had twisted in her gut unclenched and her heart renewed beating once again.
She bit her lip, looking down at her feet, unsure of Casey's offer. It was exactly what she was asking for, so why did she not feel the complete and utter relief she should have felt? Why did it still feel as if her heart was still trapped within the confines of an ever persistent vice?
She studied Casey's features trying to gauge his words against his expression. He seemed anxious, worried and angry, but appeared sincere in what he was proposing.
"What kind of time limit?" she asked, her voice barely above the softest of whispers.
Casey let go of her arms and began to pace in front of her, dragging a hand through his dark locks, his lips pulled into a frown of undecided apprehension.
"I don't know, Apes...a week, two?" He stopped pacing and gave her a searching look, waiting for her to agree or disagree with his terms.
"Casey...are you sure?" she wondered. "Mikey said that there was already some jealousy between you and Raph because you thought that Raph had feelings for me."
"And now he does," Casey snapped dangerously before taking in a deep breath and trying to calm his agitated state.
April waited patiently for him to speak again. She didn't want to push him or work him up any more than he already had been.
He began to pace again, gathering his thoughts.
"This isn't easy for me," he went on. "I just..." He stopped pacing and stilled, his shoulders tense; the muscles bunched beneath his t-shirt. "This sucks," he ground out hoarsely, before he turned walking quickly towards the rooftop door, as if he were trying to escape; escape her, the situation, everything.
Yanking it open he was confronted by Donatello, who obviously had left them alone for some privacy, but had stayed just on the other side of the door.
Casey glared down at Donatello, and although her friend seemed embarrassed to have been caught with his ear to the door, he remained defiant, as if daring Casey to say anything.
"I'd never hurt her," Casey snarled through clenched teeth.
Donatello shook his head. "I wanted to be here when you two were finished. I needed to know what to say to Raph, before anyone else said something to him," Donatello defended, a sharp edge to his voice.
April ran forward, stepping between the two males. She pushed gently on Casey's chest to get him to step back, while turning to Donatello, a worried look crossing her features.
"Raph is asking for you," Donatello put out as a way of explanation.
Her heart jumped in her chest as she swallowed roughly. She gave a quick glance at Casey over her shoulder before turning her attention back to Donatello, who stood, his body tense and rigid, face shuttered and cautious.
"Casey and I have discussed it, and...we've agreed to do what you want for no more than a week or two. Do you...do think that Raph will be better recovered by then?" she asked.
Donatello's body relaxed slightly, but his face still remained guarded. He searched her eyes for a moment before shifting his focus to Casey and then turning his eyes away to stare at the buildings in the distance.
April could tell he was thinking and she could feel Casey tensing as if to protest something, but April's hand moved, sliding from his chest to his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.
This seemed to pacify him for the moment and allowed Donatello a chance to think before he responded to her question.
"A month," Donatello finally said, turning his gaze back upon both her and Casey.
"This isn't a negotiation, Donny!" Casey barked sharply, taking a step towards Donatello, his hand balling in anger.
Donatello shot Casey an irritated glance, while April let go of Casey's hand and placed in on his chest, holding him back from Donatello and shooting Donatello a warning glance.
"I know it's not!" Donatello attempted to reign in his own frustration. "I know what I'm asking of you -of both you- but I just-" Donatello's voice cracked with emotion. "We almost lost him, and I know this is hard for everyone, you and April most of all, but Raph needs to recover and I am doing everything in my power to make sure that he does." Donatello let out a shuddering breath and April gave Casey a quick glance. He still looked angry, but the anger was now tempered with contrition.
Donatello studied them both for a moment before continuing. "I don't know how long it will take for Raph to recover...He might never regain any of his memories, they may come back slowly, or all at once," he began as he exited the doorway out onto the rooftop and began to pace in agitation. "Brain injuries are complicated and I don't know anything for sure. I can't give you any idea of how long it will take. All I can ask is that you give April at least a month." Donatello was now addressing Casey directly.
Casey looked as if he was about to protest, but Donatello ruthlessly talked over him. "A month is the length of time it will take Raph to fully recover from his injuries. He is on bed rest and will begin physiotherapy once his final cast comes off. He will of course have to be very careful because of his still healing plastron, but at least if he is given a month to heal...after that if he hasn't got his true memories back, then I would be comfortable telling Raph everything. Until then we risk his recovery if we try to convince him that his memory is faulty and I...I don't want him to injure himself and set back his recuperation time."
April swore that she would have been able to hear a pin drop in the silence that followed Donatello's pronouncement. She herself was stunned by the length of time Donatello was asking of her, though if she were honest with herself, she would have readily agreed, because she knew her own guilty conscience would have prompted her to volunteer whatever length of time Donatello had requested. She knew her friend well enough to know that even Donatello would have a time limit in his head where beyond a certain length of time, they would not be able to ask her to continue the pretence any longer and accept the inevitable; and now she knew the time limit that Donatello had come up with in his own mind.
One month.
One month could be an eternity or a blink of the eye. She didn't know which this would turn out to be, but she was comfortable with the knowledge that this next month would be better than the previous three. Anything was better than sitting at Raphael's bedside and constantly praying that he would live to see the next day. And after this experience, anything was preferable to suffering through that hell again.
But she knew that she could not be the one to answer Donatello's request; that reply was for Casey and Casey alone to make, because he was the one who would protest.
Casey dragged a frustrated hand through his hair, and April was standing close enough to hear his teeth grinding together in frustration.
"One month," Casey finally bit out. "But that's it. If Raph hasn't got his memories back by then..." his voice trailed off, his unspoken words ringing loud and clear.
Donatello's face crumpled with relief. "Thanks, Casey," Donatello breathed out.
"But you're gonna play chaperone," Casey said as he brushed past April so that he was standing right in front of Donatello.
"What!?" April squeaked out in shock at Casey's words. "You don't trust me?" she asked a pang of hurt rushing through her at his words.
"I don't trust, Raph." Casey said not even turning to face her and instead continuing his silent battle of wills with Donatello.
"I don't-" Donatello began.
"Make up whatever excuse you want," Casey interrupted Donatello's words. "Tell 'im he needs you to be here 'cause he smashed his head and you need to stay nice and close in case something happens; which it true. So I don't think you'll have a problem with gettin' Raph to agree to letting you stay, especially if April agrees."
Casey's icy blue eyes shifted and looked at her and she had no choice but to agree, because Casey did have a valid point. She didn't want to be alone with Raphael in case a medical emergency did occur. Brain injuries were complicated and it was possible that Raphael could hemorrhage again at any time.
Regardless of Casey's very astute point, it still rubbed her the wrong way that Casey was assigning Donatello to chaperone duties, as if April wouldn't be able to handle Raphael's advances in his bedridden, injured, and weakened state
Pushing this away she could only be thankful that Casey had agreed to go along with the deception.
"Could you go tell Raph that April will be right there," Casey asked though it wasn't a suggestion, it was more of an order.
Donatello gave a curt nod and turned heading back inside and down the steps.
Casey turned to her and his face was intense, nearly inscrutable as too many emotions seemed to be crossing over his features to really understand exactly what he was more strongly feeling.
He reached out and pulled her close. Tipping up her chin with his fingers he looked at her, as if he was memorizing each and every feature of her face. "I want you to remember what we got, Apes," he whispered as he brought his lips down upon her own. His thumb brushed across her cheek and she felt the old and familiar surge of love that she had for him.
Her lips moved beneath his and she waited for the rush of desire; of the all consuming, passionate longing for her to be clasped in his arms forever. And yet these feelings did not suffuse her. As he pulled away, seemingly satisfied that he had left her wanting more -craving is kisses and his caresses- she found that she did not.
Swallowing roughly she gave him a brilliant smile that strained the edges of her face and was surprised that her cheeks didn't crack beneath the pressure.
He gave her a smile in return, his male ego assuaged and as satisfied as he could be under the circumstances. "I wish I could do more to you, Apes. But I guess that kiss will havta do; for now." He gave her a seductive smile that gave her no doubt of what images were playing through his mind, and what he wished to do to her, and she found herself only feeling a slight pang of relief that they did not have that kind of time.
Casey turned on his heel and headed for the door, leaving her to trail after him; which she did so at an unhurried pace as she contemplated the back of Casey's head; her thoughts swirling and tumbling around in her head.
She knew she loved Casey, and she knew their relationship had been strained for the last several months, but it frightened her and shocked her to the very core of her being that the kiss that she had just shared with Casey had left her feeling less than enthused and unmotivated to repeat the experience.
Heart sinking into the pit of her stomach she told herself that she only felt this way because her and Casey hadn't been connecting lately, and that she was positive that once all of this was over, and Raphael's injuries had healed and his memory had returned, that everything between her and Casey would be good again, and the spark between them that had faded slightly would ignite again and they would be even better than before.
*phew* hopefully that chapter was worth the wait:)
