Crumple-Horned Plot Bunnies
By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mine. It's owned by JK Rowling and Time Warner. Not me. Please don't sue.
Third Year...
"But... But Black killed them! He had to! Everyone saw it!" Harry cried in the Shrieking Shack, as he confronted his father's two childhood friends. One was a murderer, the other, a werewolf.
His friends were in danger, Scabbers was being accused of being the real traitor...
Sirius looked broken and haunted. "I as good as killed them, Harry... I..."
"Wait, wait, wait. Hold it." Ron was holding up his camera. "You think you killed them?"
Sirius blinked. "Well..."
"More like you feel survivor's guilt, something awful right? All I'm getting here is you feeling like a drunk man who killed your friend in a rage," Ron went on. "Can you try more for survivor's guilt-?"
"Ron, not now," Hermione hissed.
Ron tried to look indignant, even while sitting on a bed with a broken leg. "Well come on! He shouldn't feel like that about it if Scabbers killed your parents!" Ron thought a bit then looked at Harry. "Actually, I'd feel more guilty about leaving you to go kill Pettigrew rather than, ya know, taking Harry someplace safe and not leaving him with an abusive family."
"I... Wait, what do you-?" Harry tried, but Ron kept going on.
"It's just... Really, the tone of the guilt isn't getting across-"
"RON! NOT NOW!" Hermione bellowed. Ron winced.
"But I'm getting this all down for proof-"
"I KNOW! But stop acting like this is a script and you're pointing out the plotholes!" Hermione snarled.
Ron gulped, and nodded. "Ah... Right... So! Can we get on with the reveal?"
"Wait... You're not taking this seriously, are you Ron?" Harry asked, incredulous. Ron shrugged.
"Well, I dunno... It'd make sense... And it'd make for a really great twist, don't you think?" Ron paused, and coughed. "Ah... And we'd finally get your parents' real betrayer, right?"
Harry very slowly nodded. "Right... Well... Um..."
"But it has to be done better than it is now. Maybe Sirius can chew the scenery a little more, Professor Lupin can be more... I dunno, grave? Oh, and Harry can-"
"RON! YOU CAN FIX IT IN POST!" Hermione screamed. "NOW SHUT UP OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BLAST YOUR CAMERA TO PIECES AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ARSE!"
"Y-Yes ma'am," Ron squeaked. He looked over at Sirius and Lupin. The former was looking quite confused, the latter couldn't help a slight smirk. "Shall we then?"
The summer before Fifth Year...
"So... Fifth Year. What have we got?" Ron asked, looking around at his creative team as they met in his office. It was a low rent space in Diagon Alley but it suited his purposes. Voldemort had sent in Bellatrix to represent him while he found himself a new evil lair, and Ron had to admit she was looking quite hot in a jacket, tight blouse, skirt and glasses. The Post-Azkaban recovery diet (Trademarked by Sirius Black) had done wonders for her.
"Hm... Perhaps my Lord decides to make open war upon the Muggles and drive them out of the British Isles?" Bellatrix suggested.
"Ah... No Bellatrix, that won't work," Ron said. "It's a little too expensive. I mean, think of the extras we'd need."
"Who needs extras? We could really do it. That would be cheaper," Bellatrix said. Ron shook his head.
"Nnnno, no, still don't like it," Ron said. "We'd probably get sued. A lot."
"We could kill the-"
"But that would just lead to more lawsuits, Bellatrix!" Ron said flatly. "Killing people is not as bad as litigating the bloody hell out of them, you know! I mean, there are court dates, court fees, taxes, having your dirty laundry dragged out for the media-It'd be an absolute slaughter!"
Bellatrix slowly nodded, impressed. She had heard the Weasleys were fools, who could not appreciate true power. But crushing the hopes and dreams of the unworthy and scum by draining them of every last Galleon and leaving them destitute? That was true art.
No wonder the Master held Weasley in such high esteem!
"Could we sue them then?" Bellatrix asked.
"No, that would just eat up filming time," Ron said. "I'm a filmmaker, after all, not a lawyer."
"But if you wish to make peoples' lives miserable, Bellatrix, perhaps you could be the co-producer?" Luna suggested.
"I get to make peoples' lives miserable doing that?" Bellatrix asked eagerly. Luna smiled serenely and nodded.
"Yes, you do. Especially the actors."
"I'll do it!" Bellatrix squealed. "But know that my first loyalty is to my Lord! Forever may he reign!"
"Right, sure, okay," Ron said distractedly. "Rrgh... Damnit... If open warfare is off the table then what can we do? Stalemates aren't very interesting."
"We could explore the building tension in a world denying the return of Voldemort? Sorry, Lord Voldemort," Luna corrected herself at Bellatrix's look.
"Oh yeah, I like that! Fudge is a pisspot after all, he'd probably go Big Brother to prevent anyone finding out Voldemort was back," Ron said. "We could make it like Brazil!"
"Brazil?" Bellatrix asked.
"Ah... Fantastic movie about a near-future police state, great surrealistic visuals..." At Bellatrix's blank look Ron huffed. "Nevermind. Who's going to be the new DADA professor?"
"A Dolores Umbridge," Luna read. Bellatrix hummed thoughtfully.
"That would work. She shares all of my Lord's views. She also resembles a giant toad in a pink cartigan."
"Does she have an annoying voice?" Ron asked. Bellatrix smirked.
"Oh, you have no idea."
"PERFECT!" Ron cried. "It'll be the perfect commentary on political cronyism! I'm a bloody genius!"
"Yes, but we still need something for action," Luna suggested.
"How about the Dark Lord kills Dumbledore and makes open warfare upon all Muggles?" Bellatrix suggested. Ron sighed.
"No Bellatrix, for the last time we can't do that. Dumbledore's got to be in until at least sixth year."
"What? What for?" Bellatrix asked.
"For the grand finale of course! I want to do the last two movies as one epic saga of doom, destruction, courage, love, and EXPLOSIONS!" Ron cried cheerfully. "Then Voldemort can kill him!"
Bellatrix nodded approvingly. "As long as he ends up dead at my master's hand, I will be content."
"Excellent! Now... We've got the commentary, but we need something else to focus on this year," Ron hummed.
"Perhaps Hermione could get pregnant?" Luna suggested. "Teenaged pregnancy."
"Nahhhh, it's been done to death," Ron said. "Besides, Hermione would bitch about it."
"What doesn't she bitch about?" Bellatrix snorted. "Honestly, she's so overprotective of the Potter boy. 'Don't blast him with the Crutacius'. 'Don't sic acromantula on him.' If Potter were half the man he purports himself to be he'd be fine with all that."
"I don't remember siccing acromantula on him... Let's use that in this film! Somewhere!" Ron said, and Luna dutifully wrote it down. "But teen pregnancy doesn't really lead to action."
"Voldemort could kidnap Hermione."
"Nooo, she'd never go for that and that's just cliche'd," Ron said flatly. He scratched his head. Bellatrix cleared her throat.
"What if there was a prophecy concerning the outcome of my Lord's battle with Potter that indicated they were equals and that neither could triumph while the other survived?"
Ron stared at Bellatrix for a while. He then shook his head.
"Bellatrix... No offense but you've got a LOT to learn about filmmaking."
"But if we have nothing else, we could use it," Luna said.
"Oh fine. If we REALLY can't find anything else then we'll go with the prophecy... I'm sure we could tie all the loose ends together in a way that's SOMEWHAT plausible," Ron muttered.
I love Ron the Mad Director. Somebody should definitely take this up for their own story.
