(I fought them all off)
Just to hold you close and tight
by dr. Tea.
Chapter 9. - It's better to just tell
Merlin had done many stupid things in his life. More than he could count on two hands. But this, this was one of the stupidest, worst, most idiotic things he had ever done. Why on earth had he set the dragon free?! WHY!? And what the hell was the dragon thinking anyway?! Every time it came to attack, it put Arthur's life in danger. Hadn't it helped Merlin save him countless of times? Or, had it just helped him, so that he could free it? Was everything it had told him a lie? And... How could Merlin ever look Arthur in the eyes, and tell him that he was the one who sat the dragon free? No... This time he had really messed up.
And, it wasn't Merlin's only problem. Morgana was gone, because he had tried to kill her. Well, he hadn't had much of a choice, but he still felt really bad about it. He hadn't told that to Arthur either. He just couldn't bring himself to, not now that they were finally "together". Because they were, sort of. That was also something that Merlin was thinking a lot of, but that wasn't like a problem, it was more of an addiction.
Everyone were feeling down. Merlin could see that even Uther was starting to see that this could be the end of Camelot. Arthur was trying to be optimistic, or at least he hid his worry really well. Every night they tried to protect the castle from the vicious flames from the dragon, Merlin would apologize, and Arthur would say that it wasn't his fault. It honestly just made Merlin feel worse.
Luckily, Gaius seemed to have an answer. He told everyone about the last Dragonlord. Uther didn't believe him at first, but it was their only hope after all. Good thing Uther was in the mood that he was, because Arthur even managed to persuade him to let him go and try to find the Dragonlord. He had to go alone, because where the Balinor the Dragonlord was last seen, was in Cenrid's kingdom.
But... How was "prepare the horses" something that indicated Arthur going alone? It was like him going alone meant him and Merlin. Merlin liked that, but he was still scared to go into Cenrid's kingdom.
When Gaius told him that Balinor was his father, he was... He didn't really know how to react. But first, he was angry. Angry at his mother, and at Gaius. They should have told him a long time ago. That was his first reaction. Luckily, he apologized to Gaius before they left. He didn't know if he was ever to see Gaius again.
He'd come to think of Gaius as his father. Of course, he was happy that his father was alive, but... He hadn't exactly been in his life, so, what would it be like to face him? Would he even know Merlin was his son? But the thing Merlin feared the most, was being disappointed.
He had always imagined his father to be a brave man, but... What if he wasn't? Still, something inside of Merlin desperately wanted to find out.
Gaius had told Merlin not to tell Arthur who Balinor was. Poor Gaius didn't know that Arthur knew about Merlin's magic. It was their secret, and Merlin intended to keep it that way. But, he wasn't sure if he should tell Arthur that the last Dragonlord was his father. He decided to wait and see what kind of a man he was.
"Merlin, you know, one of the things I actually do like about you is your ability to talk nonsense. Why are you so quiet?"
"I thought the whole point of us going alone was that we weren't going to attract any attention, so I thought it would be best if I stayed quiet." It was a lie. Merlin just had too much on his mind to talk.
"We're not in Cenrid's kingdom yet, you moron. So, talk." Merlin still stayed quiet. "Is there something on your mind?" Arthur said, and turned around on his horse, to look at Merlin with a worried look.
"No... I'm just... Worried about everyone back in Camelot."
"So am I." Arthur said, and turned around again. They rode in silence, and that gave Merlin time to think.
He had to answer this questions: Was he going to tell Arthur everything?
They rode non-stop. 'til nightfall. It had started raining, and they both got soaked. When they finally reached a little town, with an inn, they were both grateful. Merlin was so cold, he thought he would freeze to death.
"Stay behind me, Merlin, we don't know what kind of people they are." Arthur told him, before they entered through the little wooden door. When they stepped inside, everyone looked up from whatever they were doing, and it was a complete silence. Neither Merlin, nor Arthur knew what to do, so Arthur broke the silence with the most awkward "Greetings!" ever.
They sat down and drank. Merlin water, Arthur sake. Merlin was still shivering from the rain. They tried to ask the innkeeper about Balinor. But he said he'd never heard of him. Merlin just hoped that he wasn't at the inn. He didn't see a single man he would want for father.
There were two beds in their room. Obviously. Two men visiting an inn did require two beds. They had gone to bed early, because Merlin was so cold. Merlin sat down on one of the beds, and Arthur sat next to him.
"What are you doing?"
"Sitting down?" Arthur said, and made a face as he removed his jacket. He was in a lot of pain, Merlin knew. He had seen the wound on his shoulder. He had gotten it from fighting the dragon. Merlin felt a slight pinch, and felt party guilty.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah, sure."
"I... I don't think this bed is meant for two."
"I know. That's why it's gonna be cosy to share." Arthur said, and removed his shirt too. Merlin blushed. "You're soaking wet. Take off your clothes." Arthur said, and started to remove Merlin's shirt. Merlin jumped off the bed, turning an even deeper shade of red. "What's the matter?"
"Eh... I... We..." Merlin didn't really know what the problem was. He sat down on the bed again, and let Arthur take off his shirt.
"You're really pale... Make sure you don't get sick." Arthur said, worryingly, and kissed Merlin's shoulder.
"I should be saying that to you... Your wound doesn't look too good." Merlin was looking away. He couldn't face Arthur. He felt like he was betraying him...
"I'm alright, don't worry. We're going to find this Balinor, and make him help us. Then we will be free from the dragon, and things can go back to the way they were." Arthur said, and put his arm around Merlin. It made Merlin feel even worse.
"What about Morgana?" Arthur sighed.
"We'll find her too." Merlin shook his head.
"I don't think we'll ever find her." Arthur grabbed his chin, forcing him to face him.
"Stop worrying so much! This isn't your fault!" Merlin could feel the tears starting to come. He quickly buried his face in the crook of Arthur's neck. Arthur held him close. "I love you, Merlin. You know that, right?" Merlin nodded slowly. Arthur's hands travelled into his hair, and stroke it gently.
Arthur laid down on the bed, pulling Merlin down with him, and put the covers over them. Then, they just laid there, in silence. Arthur with his healthy arm around Merlin, holding him close. The prince soon fell asleep, but Merlin lay awake with his bad conscience.
The next day, Arthur looked really sick. He was sweating a lot, and Merlin was sure he had spiked a fever over the night. He didn't say anything about it though, because he knew they couldn't turn back.
Arthur's guard was so down, Merlin had to drag him into a bush to keep them from being spotted by Cenrid's patrols. As they laid there, Arthur lost his consciousness. Luckily, they weren't too far from the cave where Balinor was said to live. (They had asked a lot of people, and that was the only clue they had gotten).
Merlin entered the dark cave, hoping that he would fine Balinor. Hopefully, he could heal Arthur, and help Camelot... Also, Merlin wanted to see what kind of man he was. It was his father, after all.
He looked around in the cave, clearly, someone lived there. He saw traces of food, and clothes. He was startled, when he suddenly was ambushed.
"What do you want here, boy?" a dark voice said, while holding a grip around Merlin's neck. He was behind him, so he couldn't see his face. Merlin didn't know who it was. It could be Balinor, but, it could also be someone else.
"My friend is sick. He needs help." Merlin coughed.
The man let go of Merlin, and he turned around to look at the man. He was a lot older than Merlin had thought by his strong grip. But, the years had clearly marked his face, and his hair had stains of gray. Merlin stopped up completely. Not even listening to what the man was saying. Is this my father?
"What are you waiting for?! Fetch him!" the man yelled, and Merlin was snapped out of his trance, and ran to get Arthur.
Balinor, if that was who he was, clearly knew what he was doing. He put some salve on Arthur's wound, and whispered some words. Merlin could only think they were a spell.
It was a bit hard to make conversation with him. They were sitting at the fireplace, eating.
"It's good." Merlin said, while eating the not-so-tasty food. Balinor didn't answer. "How long have you lived here?"
"A few winters..." "Must be hard-"
"Why are you here?" Balinor interrupted him.
"Just travelling... We're looking for someone. They said, or... I was told that he lived somewhere hereabouts... A man named, Balinor." Merlin could feel his heart start racing. Now, he was finally going to find out whether or not this man was his father. "Have you never heard of him? He was a dragonlord."
"He passed on."
"You knew-" he cut Merlin off again
"Who are you?!"
"I'm... Merlin." he answered, and looked into the mans face, trying to see if he knew his name. It didn't look like it.
"And him?" the man asked, and pointed over to where Arthur was laying.
"He is my master."
"His name!"
"His name is... Lancelot... He is a knight, you know, a good one." Merlin said, smiling. He didn't really know why he lied about Arthur. He just had a feeling it would be better not to tell who he was. He didn't know if he could trust this man.
"His name is Arthur Pendragon, he is Uther's son."
"Yes..."
"This is Cenrid's kingdom! He is asking for trouble! What do you want from me!?"
"Are you Balinor?" the man nodded slightly. So, this man is my father. Merlin didn't really know what to think... Should he be happy, or sad? He had at least helped Arthur, that showed he wasn't a bad man... Right? "The great dragon is attacking Camelot."
"His name is Kilgharrah."
"Well, we can't stop it! Only you, a dragonlord, can."
"He doesn't act blindly, he kills for a reason. Vengeance. This is of Uther's making."
"He's killing innocent people too! Women and children!"
"Uther pursued me! He hunted me like an animal!"
"I know..."
"What do you know about anybody's life, boy!? Uther asked me to use my powers to bring the last dragon to Camelot. He said he wanted to make peace with it. But he did not! He lied to me! He betrayed me! And you want me to protect this man?" Merlin was getting a bit angry now...
"I want you to protect Camelot!"
"He killed everyone of my kind! I alone escaped!" Better try to play his soft side... If he has one.
"Where did you go?"
"There is a place called Ealdor. I had a life there... A woman. Good woman. Ealdor is beyond Uther's realm, but still, he pursued me... Why would he not let me be? What was it that I had done? Why did he have to destroy the life I build... Make me abandon the woman I loved!? He sent knights to kill me! I was forced to come here... To this!" Merlin somehow knew, deep down that the battle was lost. "So, I understand how Kilgharrah feels. He has lost everyone of his kind... Everyone of his kin. You want to know how that feels? Look around boy... Let Uther die. And Camelot fall." Merlin felt so disappointed.
"You don't want everyone in Camelot to die..."
"Why should I care?"
"What if one of them was your son?" Merlin felt he was almost about to cry now.
"I don't have a son."
"But, if I told you..."
"Merlin.. Merlin..." Arthur sighted in his "sleep". Merlin didn't know if he was awake or not, so he stopped his sentence, and got up to sit next to his prince.
"I'm here, Arthur." Merlin could hear his voice was a bit shaky. He was hearing tears back.
Merlin was sitting on a rock outside the cave, looking over at his father, the greatest disappointment of his life. He was standing a few feets away.
"I feel great! What the hell did you give me?" Arthur said, while coming walking out of the cave. He really did look better. His skin-colour back to normal and everything. Merlin couldn't help but feel just a tiny bit better by seeing Arthur's recovery.
"It was all Balinor." Merlin said, and nodded toward his father.
"So we found him then! Thank heaven for that!" Arthur said, now looking even better.
"Doesn't mean he's willing to help..."
"What?"
"You won't persuade him."
"Does he know what's at stake?" Arthur asked, and Merlin could hear the hope in his voice crash-landing somewhere in his throat. Merlin just nodded.
"What kind of a man is he?" Arthur said, not believing Merlin's answer.
"I don't know... I thought he'd be something more." Merlin couldn't hide the disappointment in his voice.
So, Balinor's final decision was to stay, and not help. Merlin was not only disappointed. He was now angry. Why was his father so heartless!?
"Gaius spoke of the nobility of dragonlords! But he was wrong..." Merlin cried out, in anger. Balinor turned around.
"Gaius? ….. Good man." Merlin was on the edge of tears.
"Yeah... I was hoping you'd be like him. I wanted... But... There is no point." he said, turned around, and followed Arthur.
Merlin wasn't feeling too good. He was angry at his "father", who, for all he cared was a stranger to him. He had hoped that he would be like Gaius, or maybe like his mother. Hell, even like himself. But, his father was a bitter, stubborn, heartless man. It wasn't easy to have all these thoughts locked inside, when Arthur obviously tried to get things back to normal. He joked around, and Merlin tried to keep up, but he knew that Arthur knew that something was wrong. Merlin was sure that Arthur was about to ask him about it, when they heard a noice.
They both got up, with their swords drawn. Merlin didn't really know why he used a sword. It looked stupid, he knew that.
They advanced, carefully, trying to hear where the sounds came from. It was coming closer, and when Merlin turned around... Balinor was standing there.
"Careful, boy." he said, smiling, while looking at Merlin's sword. "I thought you might need some help. This is a dangerous country."
"And will you return to Camelot with us?" Arthur asked. Merlin could feel his heart pounding like mad. Maybe his father wasn't that bad after all...
"You were right, Merlin. There are some in Camelot who risked their lifes for me. I owe a debt that must be repayed." Merlin couldn't believe it, and he couldn't help smiling.
"If you succeed in killing the dragon, you will not go unrewarded." Arthur said, playing the prince that he was.
"I seek no reward." Balinor answered, and looked at Arthur with dark eyes. Arthur didn't understand the look, and just shrugged his shoulder.
"Great! Let's eat."
Merlin felt the weight of his shoulder being sweapt away, like he had been walking around with heavy rainclouds over his head, and now a warm wind had pushed them away. He was so happy, he couldn't stop smiling. And, he had decided to tell Balinor that he was his father.
He and Balinor were looking for wood for the fireplace, and Merlin started a conversation. Hopefully, it would lead to a point where he could tell his father the truth. "This wood is too wet."
"Don't worry, I'm sure we'll find a way to make it light." This made Merlin wonder. Maybe Balinor had magic? Like, Merlin himself had magic, maybe he got it from his father? This made Merlin exhited.
"When you healed Arthur, I heard you mumble some words..."
"An ancient prayer."
"I thought it might have been more than that...
" "The old religion can teach us many thing."
"The old religion? Was that something you were tout?"
"It's not something you can learn. Eather it's a part of you, or it isn't. My father knew that, and his fahter before him."
"Were they also dragonlords?" Merlin was starting to get really worked up! Did this mean that... Could he...? Also be a dragonlord? But, then he thought about when he had faced the dragon... He hadn't been able to control it.
"We'll need some kildly." was all Balinor said.
"You mentioned... You spoke of... Ealdor." Merlin said, hoping that Balinor was more kean to talk about that. "And the woman..."
"That was a long time ago."
"I grew up there." Balinor freezed, and almost lost the wood he was carrying.
"Ealdor?" he looked at Merlin with doubt in his eyes.
"Yes. I know the woman."
"Hunith? She's still alive?"
"Yes..." Merlin took a deep breath. "She is my mother."
"Then she married... That's good." Balinor said, and turned away. He clearly was not happy about it.
"She never married." Balinor turned back to face Merlin. "I'm your son." They stood there for a long time, not saying a word. But Merlin was happy. And he could see it in Balinor's eyes, that he too was happy. At least he believed him.
"I don't know what it is to have a son."
"Or I a father." A sound interrupted them. It was Arthur, walking past them, possibly clearing the area. "You must not tell Arthur." Merlin said. He didn't really know why. But... He wanted to spend some time with his father first. To get to know him, before he said anything to Arthur.
Arthur was sleeping, and Merlin was sitting at the fireplace, together with his father. They were talking, just talking, about everything that had happened, and what was to come. Merlin had finally built up the courage to ask that question that had been burning inside of him.
"How did you become a dragonlord?"
"It's not something you can learn. It's a sacred gift. For thousands of years it's been handed down, from father, to son. And that is what you must now become, Merlin." Merlin nodded.
"I would like that."
"And, like all dragonlords, you won't know for sure if you have that power, until you face your first dragon." Merlin nodded again, but now he was really unsure of himself. He had already faced his dragon. And... Nothing had happened. Now he just sat there, and watched as his father carved something out of a piece of wood. It was nice sitting in silence too. Merlin was just glad to have his father with him, but... He felt a bit ashamed, because he was the one to stop the ancient tradition of the dragonlords. He couldn't be one... And that made him sad. He hoped he never had to tell his father about it.
After sitting in silence for awhile, Balinor got up.
"Goodnight, son." Merlin smiled, before answering.
"Sleep well, father." it was a weird sentence, but it was nice. Merlin was happy to have his father with him. Hopefully, they would stay together for a long time now.
When Merlin woke up, the first thing that met his eyes, was a beautiful dragon, carved out of wood. Merlin knew that it was his father who had made it. He only got the chance to admire it for a second, because a hand suddenly pressed itself over his mouth. Merlin was startled, but relaxed when he saw that it was Arthur.
"Cenrid's men." Arthur said, and they both got up. Arthur had drawn his sword, and was now standing in front of Merlin, ready to protect him from everything. A man suddenly attacked, and Arthur pushed Merlin behind him, to keep him safe. The soldier was soon followed by three more. Merlin hurried to a sword he saw laying on the ground, and threw it to his father, before picking up one for himself.
Only seconds later, the soldier Merlin was batteling, knocked the sword out of Merlin's hand. He could see Arthur from the corner of his eye. "Merlin! Use your magic!" he shouted, but it was too late. Balinor threw himself in front of Merlin, in a try to protect him, but the enemy's sword pierced his body.
For seconds Merlin just stared at what had happened. Then he killed the man with a spell that he didn't even knew he possessed. He had to lay his father down. He knew deep down that he was dying... But, it was just too cruel.
"Merlin..."
"Please no. I can save you
" "Merlin, listen to me. When you face the dragon, remember, be strong. A dragon's heart is on his left side, not it's right."
"I can't..." Merlin almost couldn't speak because of all the tears welling up in his eyes, and something had been caught in his throat.
"Listen to me! You are my son. I've seen enough in you to know that you will make me proud." a few seconds later, his eyes closed. And Merlin's father was dead.
Why hadn't he just used his magic!? WHY!? He could have just killed them all with magic! Why had he let Arthur protect him?! What the hell was wrong with him!? Merlin couldn't stop his tears. When Arthur came running back, and saw that the dragonlord was dead, he threw his sword to the ground in anger, and shouted
"NO!" Merlin got up, still crying. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see the dead body of his father. "Merlin?" Arthur said, but Merlin kept his face hidden, and didn't say a word.
They rode back to Camelot in silence. Merlin was silent because he hated himself, and Arthur because he had failed his kingdom.
It all ended with a new plan. Arthur and all the knights were going to ride out and fight the dragon. Merlin couldn't believe that Uther had given this plan a go. But... It couldn't really be helped now, could it. Merlin felt like nothing mattered anymore. Like everyone could just die.
Arthur was desperately trying to get Merlin back to normal. "Look on the bright side, chances of you cleaning this again are small." he said, while Merlin was putting on his armour.
"You must be careful today. Do not force the battle..."
"Yes, sire!" Arthur said with irony in his voice.
"I'm serious."
"I can heard that."
"Let matters take their course..."
"Merlin, if I die... Please..."
"What?" Arthur turned around so that he was facing Merlin.
"The dragonlord today... I saw you..." Merlin just looked at him, not saying anything. Arthur put his hand on his shoulder. "One thing I tell all my young knights, no man is worth your tears." Merlin couldn't keep his poker face anymore, and started crying again. Arthur looked at him, confused.
"He... Was... My father..." Merlin managed to get out. Arthur didn't know what to do, or say. Merlin couldn't stop the tears. They just kept coming and coming. He had lost his father, and because he wasn't strong enough to be a dragonlord, he was going to lose Arthur as well! Merlin suddenly felt arms wrap around him.
"I'm so sorry, Merlin." Arthur said, softly.
"It's not your fault. It's mine..."
"No... I should have asked."
"I wouldn't have told you..."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because... Because then I would have to tell you everything..."
"What everything?" Merlin took a deep breath, and looked up at Arthur.
"I may be a dragonlord, because my father was one, but I don't think I am... I... Morgana was the sorce of the illness that happened, and I killed her, because that was the only way... And... I... I was the one to set the dragon free..." Merlin had said everything as fast as he could, so that he wouldn't regret saying it, and stop mid-way through. Arthur was quiet. "But... I'll... I'll come with you!" Merlin said, trying to make up for everything. Arthur remained silent. "I love-"
"Merlin..."
"Yes?" Arthur hugged him tightly.
"I don't care what you have done. I trust you, and the things you do, you do for a reason. I don't care if you sat the dragon free, or poisoned Morgana, you did it to prevent something even worse from happening... You did it because..."
"Because I love you." Merlin finished for him. Arthur kept hugging him.
"If you are a dragonlord, Merlin... Then I'm not afraid to go out there. And if you are not, I will protect you." Merlin shook his head.
"No. I don't want you to die for me!"
"But if I am to die, I would like to die for you." Arthur said, and kissed Merlin. He hadn't done that in a while. And if felt so good. As Merlin felt Arthur's warm lips against his own, he began to feel powerful again. Like maybe he was a dragonlord. At least Arthur believed it. Maybe he was...
They had waited for hours, on a little field. Darkness had come, and they were all nervous. Merlin, perhaps more than the others, because he knew that in the end, it was all up to him. Suddenly, the dragon appeared on the night sky. Arthur put on his helmet, so did the others. Merlin didn't have an amour.
The knights effort was useless. Merlin saw them being swept off their horses by the dragon's tail.
"STOP!" he shouted, but nothing happened. Soon, only Arthur remained. He picked up a spear, and stood in front of Merlin, determined to protect him, to the end. All of a sudden, Merlin knew what to do. And he pushed Arthur behind him.
"Merlin! What are you doing?! Get behind me!" But Merlin opened his mouth, and spoke to the dragon in a voice that lived deep inside his soul. He wanted to kill it, for all it had done. But... He couldn't. It was the last of it's kind, so he showed it mercy instead.
"Leave! If you ever attack Camelot again! I will kill you!" he said. The dragon bowed to him. "I have shown you mercy. Now you must do the same to others."
"What you have shown, young warlock, is what you will be. I'm sure our paths will cross again." it said, and took off back to wherever it came from. Merlin stood there, his legs were a bit shaky. He didn't realize what had just happened, before Arthur hugged him from behind.
"You did it, Merlin! You are the last dragonlord!"
I am so sorry about not posting earlier. But... I... I don't know. I just screwed this chapter up, but I didn't want to write a new one... So, yeah. I didn't really like how this turned out. I think it was a bit boring, sorry. Hopefully my next one will be better... And, yeah. I am kind of tired of this whole idea, so I want to write a brand new one, fml. I always screw things up! D: But yeah... Please review/fave/follow, and I will try to update more often. Thank you.
